thinking of becoming a foster parent

[sosurreal09]

hi i am thinking of becoming a foster parent but i have heard horror stories about kids being placed back with abusive parents and even false accusations of molestation by said parents of the foster parents. do these situations happen often? is there anyway to only foster kids who can not be placed with their birth parent?
i grew up in abuse and neglect and feel i could really help and understand these children. i have always wanted to be a foster parent and give back to the world the only way i know how, to nurture and love. this is something i have felt compelled to do for a long time but i know i can not love and nurture a child that will be placed back with the parents who abused or neglected them in the first place KWIM?
even if DCF is in their lives for 6 months who is to say 2 years down the road they dont start abusing again? DCF was involved with me as a kid and they left me in an abusive home...

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09

this is something i have felt compelled to do for a long time but i know i can not love and nurture a child that will be placed back with the parents who abused or neglected them in the first place KWIM?

If, truly, you cannot love and nuture child who may be removed from your home or where reunification is the objective (no one knows the future years from now, so your scenario where the parents get their act together and hold it together for a few years but then slip back into abuse could happen--and you will NEVER know if it might)...then no, you are not ready or appropriate to be a foster parent.

Just because you are not ready now doesn't mean you will never be. But being willing to straight up foster *requires* that you be willing to surrender control. Your experience of past abuse may get in the way of that. Or it may be an asset once you work through it.

[MissinNYC]

Hi! You have a lot of questions and I am glad you are thinking about all this stuff as you prepare to think about adopting or fostering.

Originally Posted by sosurreal09

hi i am thinking of becoming a foster parent but i have heard horror stories about kids being placed back with abusive parents and even false accusations of molestation by said parents of the foster parents. do these situations happen often? is there anyway to only foster kids who can not be placed with their birth parent?

Generally, kids don't go back until their parents have hit their goals. You may not agree with the social worker about how well Mom is doing on her goals, but IME they usually do a decent job of making sure kids don't go back to abusive situations. Yes, there can be accusations by angry parents towards foster parents, but I think it's rare for social workers to believe them without evidence. The best way to protect yourself is to have established rules for diaper changing and discipline, and communicate and document accusations or injuries. Like, if you notice that your foster child has marks on him after a visit, immediately notify the social worker. Or if LIttle Johnny is masturbating a lot and acting out sexually (which are not necessarily connected to abuse), maybe mention it in your monthly reporting or tell your SW of your concerns. If you are the one to notify, the ball is in your court.

i grew up in abuse and neglect and feel i could really help and understand these children. i have always wanted to be a foster parent and give back to the world the only way i know how, to nurture and love. this is something i have felt compelled to do for a long time but i know i can not love and nurture a child that will be placed back with the parents who abused or neglected them in the first place KWIM?

This may happen, and if you cannot deal with it, I would gently suggest waiting to foster. Especially since our ideas of what safe/good parenting is may differ from the parents'. I know I've seen many kids get RU'd (reunified) with their parents when I know those parents aren't what I'd want for the kid, but nothing actually abusive or neglectful is going on. You have to go into it knowing they are not your children, and even if they go back to an undesirable situation, they will have benefited from your love and warmth and guidance forever.

even if DCF is in their lives for 6 months who is to say 2 years down the road they dont start abusing again? DCF was involved with me as a kid and they left me in an abusive home...

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sadly, it does happen, and generally there are standards as to what the mom and dad need to do, and there is a period of checking up afterwards. There are no guarantees, though, and it may happen.
Hugs. I hope you are able to full process what happened to you, in addition to getting some more answers about foster care.

[marsupial-mom]

Yes it happens. I don't know how often.
But think of it this way: the good you do can never be taken away. No matter how much neglect or abuse these kids suffer before or after becoming your foster kids, they'll always have those good moments with you.

[sosurreal09]

TY for the replies. so there is no way to only recieve children that can not go back with their parents like no matter what?
also if the parents sexually abused them there is NO way they can get them back right?

i know i will be able to let go b/c they are not my children i just can not see helping a child to have them placed right back to the abuse. i guess it depends on the relationship they had with the parent(s). if they are utterly trerrified of them can they be placed with them? if a parent was say on drugs and did ome bad things but turned around and got better and the child still obviously loved their parent and things were going well and they recieved rehabilitation and counselingand all of that i would be ok with it. if the child was just beaten and neglected daily their whole live and were utterly terrified of the parent i don't see how that could ever work...but then again that parent probably would not do the things in order to get his/her children back.
so essentially only the parents who really do the work can get their kids back correct? so those parents seemingly love the child enough to try and fix the issues at hand and to grow as a person/parent to be able to properly care for their child, correct?
i could live with that...

[Smithie]

"so there is no way to only recieve children that can not go back with their parents like no matter what?"

Not if you want to straight-foster. If you want to foster-adopt, some state programs allow you to specify only post-TPR placements, or only placements where the case plan has been changed to permanency (and there's no visitation with birth family). But in my state, only people who are open to adoption are considered for those placements (provided there's a match between kid-who-needs-home and family-who-plans-to-adopt.

One thing you might consider is emergency short-term placements. If you could be there for a child right when they were removed, and help them out for a few days or weeks while the social workers got their act together and found an appropriate placement for the reunification phase of the case plan, then for better or worse you'd not be involved in the reunification attempt. One of my IRL friend's parents did this for years, keeping kids anywhere from a weekend to a month, with zero contact/involvement/obligation to the birth family. The did sometimes facilitate the transition to the long-term foster family through visitation. It's worth a chat with your social services folks to see if they have a need for that.

[Polliwog]

Honestly, I don't think you'd make it past the home study. Fostering is wonderful but you have no control over the outcome or the things that have happened to the children in your care. Most judges, social workers, lawyers, etc want to do what's best for children but sometimes mistakes happen. Or parents are able to fool them. Or relapse. The things that children tell you may be too much for you. Children may come to you with traumas that cause them to act out on your baby or other children around them. Or maybe not. There's no way of knowing.

There are many ways to help children without fostering them in your home.

[Tigerchild]

Pollliwog has a great point, I think a lot of people for whatever reason think that the best way to help kids is to be a foster parent--but really there are so many other ways!

Have you thought about becoming involved as a Big Sister in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization? You could also volunteer to help lead a girl scout/boy scout troop for kids whose parent(s) are incarcerated if you live near a facility. Or get involved with a crisis nursery (a place where overwhelmed parents can get free drop off child care for a specific amount of time, no questions asked). You could volunteer with homeless families, or contact your local school district and ask about their lunch buddy program.

You can ease into things--you don't need to go 0-100mph on the first go round.

Anyone who cannot tolerate uncertainty should not attempt to foster parent, no matter how good intentioned they are. IM(very strong)O. It's good that you know that about yourself--better to know that now than to be in denial and go ahead with it and traumatize yourself so that you can't ever do it, if that's what you want to do. Working with at-risk kids in a less intimiate 24/7 intense way can help warm you up, dip your toe in. You may find that the uncertainty matters less and less. But don't do all or nothing. The thing is, there are tons of kids out there that really do need adult support, attention, and mentoring and foster parenting is only ONE way that you can reach a very limited number of kids--why not start where your comfort level is, and then take on more and more as you are able and confident?

[marsupial-mom]

Another option is respite care, where you're a foster parent for foster parents. Respite foster parents care for kids for short periods while the regular foster parents take a break, move, have an operation, etc. It's like long term babysitting.

[MissinNYC]

TY for the replies. so there is no way to only recieve children that can not go back with their parents like no matter what?
also if the parents sexually abused them there is NO way they can get them back right?

Generally, you cannot get only kids who have been TPRed (termination of parental rights= never going back ) unless you are looking to adopt. Those kids are needing adoptive homes, and fostering is usually a temporary option. If you're looking to adopt you could get kids who are never going back. Bear in mind that kids with no legal risk are most often older kids, sibling groups etc.

[sosurreal09]

TY for you're honesty and replies! maybe the long term would not be for me then but the emergency one sounds more do-able.
they will lash out in my child? have you had this experience. i realise there is risk involved but i certainly don't want to endanger my baby...
i do want to adopt a few kids but not until i am done having my bio kids. my DP and i are in agreement of this- but then again you never know!