Father absent for 2 years..now taking me to court?? LONG!

[joeyanne]

I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. Her father walked away 2 years ago july 4th. I have had no problem with him mother coming to see her and keep in contact with her although she has been supporting her son..who is 25..and he doesn't support his daughter at all. I've asked her many times why he doesn't come to see her or support her in any way. He is thousands of dollars behind in support. She always said he was severely depressed and has been in therapy..and they couldn't find a medication that would work for him. That all he did was lay in bed all day and wouldn't eat.

Yet many of my friends have seen him at bars, ballgames, hockey games, and he spends most of his time on the internet looking for a girlfriend. I've finished college in this time and am an RN and work fulltime. I support her on my own, and because I have a good job his mom doesn't think I need any support from him? I bought a home on my own a year ago and drive a nice vehicle. And because of this I shouldn't need his help? We have went thru child support court and he was ordered a set amount to pay, and also he was to carry health insurance. Which he does neither one because he won't work. He said he walked away because he was ashamed of losing his job so he just hid himself away but he's suddenly better. He never once contacted me to see her or ask about her, and I get served with papers out of no where.

He is asking for every other weekend..unsupervised..4 weeks during the summer..tax deduction on odd years..joint custody..I am to keep him up to date of my phone number and address..where I work..and my work number..yet if I asked his mother for his number..she said he didn't have a phone..and she wouldn't tell me where he lived..and it was none of my business where he worked? He recently got a job..he got fired from 2 very good jobs..one for sleeping when he was suppose to be working..another for no call/no shows. So after over 2 years just BEFORE he serves me he gets a job at a fast food place and is suddenly all better?

I live in Iowa..and this all comes after 2 suicide attempts also. He gets very manic..and since this has all started..he now has my number and he texts me like 50 times a day..calls when i don't answer..and this continues all day and thru the night..I don't know how he gets up for work! This is why he lost his last job, he wouldn't sleep at night and became obsessed with talking and texting all the time. When I found out he was lying to me, I broke off our relationship, but he always knew he was welcome to see her, but never tried.

This has been a long ordeal, because I have been dealing with his mother, who is not very nice, but I've kept it nice with her for my daughter. This all began because his mom wanted me to sign his visitation rights over to her, she said that maybe someday when he got his head on straight they could go back to him, but that could be a long time if ever. I told her I wanted to talk to him about it first to have him call me. He never did. So I know she is filing this on his behalf because being the father he would have the rights where she doesn't.

I guess what I'm wondering is .... can a father come in after over 2 years of being absent..with 2 stories..one him being mentally unstable (which I do believe to be true) ..or his story of being ashamed and just wanted to hide. He's been fired before and didn't hide away. He is so far behind in child support they were going to take his license, but they negociated with him to pay $50 a month of what he owes so he can keep it. Which his mother pays.

I'm so frustrated with all this going on..not to mention what its going to cost. Which I can't put a price on my daughter's safety. I wouldn't object to supervised visitation, which is what his mother wants control of she has always wanted control of her, which is why her son is the way he is, she controls him by taking care of him. She also has some issues, but this is long as it is. So this is why they are taking me to court. We were never married.

Anyone been through something like this? Or suggestions? Yes I do have an attorney, its scarey because no matter what happens in court, it still comes down to what a judge decides. I don't want to keep her from knowing her father, but I would be ok with a 3rd party (nuetral) to supervise his visits, and he is also asking to have his support lowered because of my income vs his..which before he got fired from his last 2 jobs, and has laid around for 2 yrs, his income is alot lower then mine, yet it was pretty close working his other jobs that he lost. This is just a job to use in court, and I know as soon as this is over he will quit and go back to not working.

[wytchywoman]

You might want to cross post this in single parenting, or at least go browse through some threads there as there are a few mamas who have been through similar situations as you and can give you some advice. It's definitely good that you got a lawyer, now you need to work on documentation. Do you have any proof of suicide attempts or manic or unstable behavior? Drug or alcohol abuse? This will be needed if you want supervised visits.

[pamela3340]

Request a mental health assessment..the local juvenile court or domestic relations court should have a clinic or subcontract...also ask for a Guardian Ad Litem (attorney appointed for the child) to intervene, they will give a recommendation upon meeting with both you and him. Good luck. Having an attorney is key, and glad to hear you have secured one.

[joeyanne]

Thank you, I posted it on the single board to. My attorney is going to ask for his medical records since his mother has claimed for 2 years that he has been severely depressed and bi polar, that he's been in therapy, and on several meds and found nothing that works. If he refuses to turn over his records he will have to explain why, and also my attorney is going to have a 3rd party to a mental evaluation.

I have proof of his 2nd suicide attempt through text which I can use in court, the first attempt was just after he got fired, his roommate found him laying outside passed out, he'd taken pills and whiskey. They both told me personally about it, but I don't know if I can use it in court since I didn't witness it personally, and I didn't think to get it in text at that time. He does drink alot which he posts on the internet about it, which is also legal to use in court. I have documented what I could, just kind of hard when they are just gone for 2 years. His mother would come see our daughter, but if anything was brought up about him she'd get very upset and tell me she came to see our daughter, not to discuss him. The only time she was really forthcoming on anything was when she wanted to take his vistations over, then it was all about how really bad he is, and when I didn't agree to it, he's suddenly well and taking me to court.

[victoriasmommy86]

I know this is supposed to be a postive place, and that the courts all want both parents to have relationships with their kids, but from a practical standpoint, you he can not just expect to walk back into her life.

It will take a lot of work for him to become a "father" to her. and if he's willing to do that then maybe itsa a good thing and he can be positive part of her life.

However, if this is just some whim of his that won't last..... your DD willl be put through alot of stress. if this is the case you have to hope that when he realizes that it will be a lot of hard work to form a relationship with her, that he will either step up to the plate and do it or leave you both alone.

In my case ex'es attorney told him he should be getting her for xmas and summer and I had to explain to ex that while that might be the way it is for divorced fathers who have had a continual relationship with their kids, but the idea that my 3 year old who has never spent a night away from me would in any way be ok with being away from me for 4 weeks with someone she doesn't remember is just not going to happen no matter how bad he wants it.

[singin'intherain]

The more you are able to document, the more you can prove the way things are. That's really the issue- though at this point, if he/his mother through him want visitation, they will probably get supervised. Do you have any record of his mom asking you to give her the father's visitation time, or of her paying his child support? To me that's a key part of this situation that the judge needs to understand if possible. She's overstepping her bounds by asking to have parental rights- and it sounds like you aren't comfortable with it. I hope you have a good lawyer- my fingers are crossed for you guys! This woman doesn't sound like a wonderful influence for your daughter.

[HappyTomato]

This sounds like his mom's doing. Most likely he doesn't want anything to do with your daughter. Stay strong and make sure you've hired a good attorney. This guy is flaky at best so most likely he will not be able to maintain his job, etc. This could be a good thing in the end for you. I would pursue full custody and put this loser and his mom in their place. GL!