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Does anyone feel jealous around "happy couples"

post #1 of 42
8/3/10 at 2:20am
Thread Starter 
Being a single mom has been a difficult journey. In a lot of aspects, I am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life. I have 2 wonderful kids, and a great b/f.

But when I am around, or talk to, or hear about couples who have the "ideal" life- marriage, house, kids, it upsets me because I didn't do things the "right" way. I hate to stereotype, but is there really a right or wrong way? I used to think that there wasn't, but I realized that I started a family and was not ready and it was unstable due to the issues surrounding me and their father's unhealthy relationship.

So, when I hear about couples who are getting married, buying a house, and having a baby, etc....I can't help but feel twinges of jealousy, and almost ashamed of myself that I was irresponsible in having kids without having the stability that my friends and coworkers have provided their children with.

Does anyone feel the same way I do?
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post #2 of 42
8/3/10 at 2:39am
Sometimes, but then I remember how miserable a bad relationship can feel. And I remind myself that just because they are happy NOW does not mean that they are happy most of the time. Not that I wish unhappiness on anyone or anything, but just a way of reminding myself not to romanticize or glorify relationships and just look at them for what they really are.
post #3 of 42
8/3/10 at 3:16am
initially. not jealousy but a great sadness. a self pity. why cant i have it too.

but that was in the beginning.

and then as i started enjoying life and not noticing them, i really became aware of situations around me.

as time passed all the ideal couples also had issues and werent as ideal as i thought they were. the poster child couple divorced. huge shock for me. since then i learnt. forget it.

it made me wonder because i was looking at them longingly was i 'blind' to little things that show the cracks.

today usually i am pretty good predicting trouble much earlier than others. which is sad. in a way.
post #4 of 42
8/3/10 at 8:23am
Me! I definitely get a lot of emotional twinges. Especially when I see a husband really pampering his pregnant wife. It's really hard for me.
post #5 of 42
8/3/10 at 9:00am
It was worse before I finally decided to get divorced. Hearing friends talk about being married to their best friend -- and really meaning it, seeing true partnerships! That was liable to knock me into a major funk. Now, I'm a year out and I'm so busy I hardly have time to breath, but once in a while, I wish there was someone here just for me. At the same time I do NOT want to date. I'm not in the right place for that yet. It could be another couple of years.

So I keep busy. And the lonely spells only creep up every so often. I give into them an grieve for a bit, then dust myself off and get back to working towards my long-term goals.
post #6 of 42
8/3/10 at 9:13am
Surprisingly (to me), the answer is no. I don't feel jealous of or around "happy couples"... At most, I sometimes feel a rapid twinge of sadness, close to nostalgia for what (never really) was.

I guess it's because my cynical side is strong enough for me to really believe that most "happy couples" look much better from the outside than they feel from the inside. Life is tough. Married (coupled) life is tougher. And no matter how good it may seem, there are rough patches and hidden minefields.

That said, I do feel jealous of divorced couples who have managed to find their way to a healthy, open, friendly "co-parent relationship" that really puts the kids first.
post #7 of 42
8/3/10 at 10:33am
For me, my hospital birth class was the worst.

Seeing all of the pregnant women with loving, caring, husbands and boyfriends while I was there with my stepmother was unbearable. I barely made it through one class and never went back, with full permission from my OB. She saw how much it affected me and told me that it wasn't really a birthing class, but a "this is how you have your baby in this hospital" class anyway.
post #8 of 42
8/3/10 at 11:06am
I'm just starting this process, but I've kind of felt like this for the last few years (while I was still "happily" married). What kind of makes me smile, though, is that ALL my friends are SHOCKED that "D"H and I are separating... they all say, "Oh my God, but you guys seemed so HAPPY!!!". Yeah.

Truth be told, you NEVER know what someone is REALLY going through at home and in their private lives. I'll give you that there are obivously truly happy couples who "did it right", but there are lots more who "did it wrong" or "failed".

The way I'm starting to see it, I made a bad choice. When my husband proposed, turns out I gave him the wrong finger.



Next time, though...
post #9 of 42
8/3/10 at 11:22am
You have to remember that you are only seeing PART of those "happy couples" lives. You have no idea what's happening behind closed doors. One could be a secret alcoholic, one could be abusive, they could be in huge debt, etc etc. With my ex things looked good from the outside. All our friends were convinced we were the "perfect couple". We were engaged and having a baby. But boy were all those people wrong. Behind closed doors there was addiction (on his part), abuse (again, on his part), no communication between us, etc. We certainly were not a "happy couple"!
post #10 of 42
8/3/10 at 11:41am
Quote:
Originally Posted by single_cj View Post
The way I'm starting to see it, I made a bad choice. When my husband proposed, turns out I gave him the wrong finger.



Next time, though...

LOL!!! This seriously just made me laugh out loud!! Thank you!
post #11 of 42
8/3/10 at 1:18pm
All the time. It's one of the things driving me out of my current relationship. I realize that it's not all roses and gold on the inside of those relationships, and that all couples have issues. However, hearing someone say they married their best friend breaks my heart because I didn't.
post #12 of 42
8/3/10 at 1:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by single_cj View Post
When my husband proposed, turns out I gave him the wrong finger.

That's awesome.
post #13 of 42
8/3/10 at 2:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
You have to remember that you are only seeing PART of those "happy couples" lives. You have no idea what's happening behind closed doors. One could be a secret alcoholic, one could be abusive, they could be in huge debt, etc etc. With my ex things looked good from the outside. All our friends were convinced we were the "perfect couple". We were engaged and having a baby. But boy were all those people wrong. Behind closed doors there was addiction (on his part), abuse (again, on his part), no communication between us, etc. We certainly were not a "happy couple"!

Exactly.

i keep being drawn to this thread, because I feel violently jealous of 'happy couples'-- especially if they are south asian. I cannot even look at my cousins wedding pictures! I'd refrained from posting because I'm partnered. I've had people tell me time and again how lucky I am. If only they knew.
post #14 of 42
8/3/10 at 2:08pm
does it help to know that even people in happy relationships sometimes daydream about being single? i have days where in my head i'm figuring out how to split our property and how much money i'd have to give him to make him go away.
post #15 of 42
8/3/10 at 2:49pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by single_cj View Post
When my husband proposed, turns out I gave him the wrong finger



Quote:
Originally Posted by mexicali mami View Post
All the time. It's one of the things driving me out of my current relationship. I realize that it's not all roses and gold on the inside of those relationships, and that all couples have issues. However, hearing someone say they married their best friend breaks my heart because I didn't.
I'm the same way.

I've been surrounded by examples of couples with good (as far as you can tell, anyway) relationships lately. And while it's nice to know they do exist, and I'm happy for them, it's bad because I feel like life is just rubbing the fact that I don't have one in my face.
post #16 of 42
8/3/10 at 3:05pm
I married my best friend and had a totally happy relationship, until all of a sudden he decided to have an affair and leave me. It is the most confusing thing in the world not understanding what happened. And instead of jealous of happy couples I find myself more cynical (which is so wrong, I know).
post #17 of 42
8/3/10 at 9:58pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks guys, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way...I do try to look to the other side, that not everyone's relationships are as good as they look on the outside, and trying not to regret those mistakes, but am learning from them and learning not to repeat them!
post #18 of 42
8/4/10 at 10:07am
s to you Gillian28
post #19 of 42
8/4/10 at 10:58am
I do.

Even watching my parents. They've been together for close to 35 years, my mom is a SAH parent to five kids, my parents are madly in love, and totally idolize/ would do ANYthing for each other.

I always wanted to be a SAH parent to a big brood of kids, have a loving supportive spouse, live the dream.

Instead, I'm a 'work way too much' mom to two kids, spaced much farther apart than I wanted, who both spend (IMO) a little too much time in daycare, with no end in sight.

I become very envious, almost unstable emotionally if I think about it too much.
post #20 of 42
8/4/10 at 1:05pm
I have often felt this way. I felt that way even when I WAS in my relationship with my ex, because he was so not there for me the way I saw other people's partners being, SO not hands on with our child, etc etc. Recently, a year after our separation, I was finding it hard not to burst into tears when observing antenatal education classes as a requirement for my current course of study...all the partners were rubbing the mothers' bellies, being all concerned, just BEING there (my ex refused to come to birth workshops with me, and I was the 'demonstration' girl). So MariesMama - I can really relate, although I was not pregnant in this course, it brought it all flooding back.

But - I remember a friend of my ex's (a single mother from the start) saying to me, You're so lucky, he cooks and does all this stuff in the house, etc etc, and I just smiled and nodded, t hinking, 'You have no idea.' So I would echo what others have said about how things can look good from the outside - on the inside, he was an alcoholic and totally not present in our relationship. Weird thing is, it looks like I"m getting into a relationship right now, and although I'm excited I'm also really scared!! It's hard letting go of one's independence, even though it's lonely sometimes.
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