Single mom..father absent over 2 years..now taking me to court for custody and lhave his child...

[joeyanne]

Father absent for 2 years..now taking me to court?? LONG!

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I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. Her father walked away 2 years ago july 4th. I have had no problem with him mother coming to see her and keep in contact with her although she has been supporting her son..who is 25..and he doesn't support his daughter at all. I've asked her many times why he doesn't come to see her or support her in any way. He is thousands of dollars behind in support. She always said he was severely depressed and has been in therapy..and they couldn't find a medication that would work for him. That all he did was lay in bed all day and wouldn't eat.

Yet many of my friends have seen him at bars, ballgames, hockey games, and he spends most of his time on the internet looking for a girlfriend. I've finished college in this time and am an RN and work fulltime. I support her on my own, and because I have a good job his mom doesn't think I need any support from him? I bought a home on my own a year ago and drive a nice vehicle. And because of this I shouldn't need his help? We have went thru child support court and he was ordered a set amount to pay, and also he was to carry health insurance. Which he does neither one because he won't work. He said he walked away because he was ashamed of losing his job so he just hid himself away but he's suddenly better. He never once contacted me to see her or ask about her, and I get served with papers out of no where.

He is asking for every other weekend..unsupervised..4 weeks during the summer..tax deduction on odd years..joint custody..I am to keep him up to date of my phone number and address..where I work..and my work number..yet if I asked his mother for his number..she said he didn't have a phone..and she wouldn't tell me where he lived..and it was none of my business where he worked? He recently got a job..he got fired from 2 very good jobs..one for sleeping when he was suppose to be working..another for no call/no shows. So after over 2 years just BEFORE he serves me he gets a job at a fast food place and is suddenly all better?

I live in Iowa..and this all comes after 2 suicide attempts also. He gets very manic..and since this has all started..he now has my number and he texts me like 50 times a day..calls when i don't answer..and this continues all day and thru the night..I don't know how he gets up for work! This is why he lost his last job, he wouldn't sleep at night and became obsessed with talking and texting all the time. When I found out he was lying to me, I broke off our relationship, but he always knew he was welcome to see her, but never tried.

This has been a long ordeal, because I have been dealing with his mother, who is not very nice, but I've kept it nice with her for my daughter. This all began because his mom wanted me to sign his visitation rights over to her, she said that maybe someday when he got his head on straight they could go back to him, but that could be a long time if ever. I told her I wanted to talk to him about it first to have him call me. He never did. So I know she is filing this on his behalf because being the father he would have the rights where she doesn't.

I guess what I'm wondering is .... can a father come in after over 2 years of being absent..with 2 stories..one him being mentally unstable (which I do believe to be true) ..or his story of being ashamed and just wanted to hide. He's been fired before and didn't hide away. He is so far behind in child support they were going to take his license, but they negociated with him to pay $50 a month of what he owes so he can keep it. Which his mother pays.

I'm so frustrated with all this going on..not to mention what its going to cost. Which I can't put a price on my daughter's safety. I wouldn't object to supervised visitation, which is what his mother wants control of she has always wanted control of her, which is why her son is the way he is, she controls him by taking care of him. She also has some issues, but this is long as it is. So this is why they are taking me to court. We were never married.

Anyone been through something like this? Or suggestions? Yes I do have an attorney, its scarey because no matter what happens in court, it still comes down to what a judge decides. I don't want to keep her from knowing her father, but I would be ok with a 3rd party (nuetral) to supervise his visits, and he is also asking to have his support lowered because of my income vs his..which before he got fired from his last 2 jobs, and has laid around for 2 yrs, his income is alot lower then mine, yet it was pretty close working his other jobs that he lost. This is just a job to use in court, and I know as soon as this is over he will quit and go back to not working.

[Theia]

Hi joeyanne. Welcome to MDC and Single Parenting. I am sorry you are being troubled by your DD's father.

Read this thread, there is lots of helpful suggestions in there.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=659455

I don't have personal experience to offer, but I'm sure others will come along with some of that for you as well. This is a really supportive place and I hope you find the support you are seeking.

[Halfasianmomma]

I would suggest not discussing the matter with your ex-MIL any more. If custody and visitation needs to be discussed, it can be done in writing, through email. Your ex's attorney can speak to your attorney for all legal matters. You shouldn't have to discuss things like that with her. It puts undue stress on you.

Document all correspondence. I would start documenting all past behaviour that may indicate that he is not competent to parent alone, by putting together a nice point form list of everything that's happened in the past three years, including any threats made. Bring this to your lawyer.

Inform your ex and his mommy that you will no longer tolerate harassing behaviour from either of them.

You're going to have to become the B with an itch here, and stand your ground because it seems that mommy dearest is holding the puppet strings.

[cycle]

I agree with no longer having contact with his mother and keeping all communication in writing. In regards to visitation, to hold him to visitation, be sure to specify in the visitation order that the visitation take place with him, have it be supervised by someone other than his mother. It looks like his mother just wants visitation, not him, and the way they are going about it is not right. Your child deserves to have a relationship with her father, grandmother is trying to make this about her it sounds like. I would just be sure that this is all in the agreement so that you are sure that the visitation is actually with her father only and not with the grandmother.

[lynsage]

Ok, 1) You'll be fine with your lawyer. They're not going to have a leg to stand on if this goes before a judge with two brain cells to rub together. Ask your lawyer if you can ask for your court costs in your counter motion.

2) Cut off all contact with the mother and communicate with your child's father via certified mail, of which you should retain a copy of everything you send him and keep everything you receive from him in a file.

3) Go back and look for any written communications, any kind of records, see if you can get phone records to prove he is calling/texting you. Also, take your phone to court and ask for it to be used as evidence just in case. The judge will find it compelling evidence if you can produce the phone with the actual text messages on it- this was a big factor in my fiance's recent court case against his ex for stalking him where she tried to claim she hadn't send certain text messages. We produced the phone in question with the texts still on it and that pretty much closed the case.

All of this crap about just wanting to hide in shame because he lost his job, etc? Judges have heard all that and worse from deadbeat dads. It's not going to hold any water. They tend to look at what people DO, not what they SAY, in cases like this. Judges have a lot of experience in seeing through people's sob stories and dramatic bullcrap in court.

[One_Girl]

I have heard of parents getting things in their favor even after being deadbeat, one of my friends in college had an ex who did this and got 3 days a week of visitation that he sometimes uses and sometimes doesn't despite her fighting it with a lawyer and having proof that he was abusive. I suggest trying to look reasonable so you can at least keep things in your child's best interests even though it is horrible that he is yanking your strings again. I got phased in visitation for my ex that gradually worked to the states minimum visitation requirment for her age based on his completion of each phase. If he misses a visit he goes back to the previous phase. He has never completed any phase because he isn't that serious about visitation and your ex may not be either. He did come back for a few months and visited each week for a couple hours, but he got flacky after the first few visits and tapered off quickly.

Phase 1: 4-hour visits supervised in child's home for 6 consecutive weeks on Saturdays between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m (I suggest putting in a specific time frame so your whole Saturday isn't blown and you don't have to rush home if suddenly your ex decides out of the blue to take his visitation time.)

Phase 2: 4 hour visits for six consecutive Saturdays from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Phase 3: 8 hour visits every other Saturday from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.

In the visitation decree it also states that he must provide me with a working number and his home address before he is allowed any unsupervised visits. This is a very reasonable visitation scale that will keep him from coming if he isn't committed and ensure that he and your dd get to know each other in a safe environment if he has changed his mind about the father he wants to be.

[Marsupialmom]

Defiantly get a lawyer.

If your ex has been struggling with mental illness and it is under control (and he can prove it). Then you will have to give some. I would make incremental changes.

As for the child support amount, this can be a sign of the time. I know more than one parent that has had it lowered because they simply aren't or cannot make the money at the same level.

I have one friend (actuality more ex friend- very strained relationship ) whose ex went from making 200000 to 30000 a year. Ex could not afford it.

I would stop talking to MIL. That doesn't mean stop her seeing her grand child but she is not your friend! She is your dd grandchild.

[joeyanne]

I am getting my affidavits lined up now. Its not that i want to keep him from seeing her, because i do want her to know her father. I just want to know she is safe. Thats why i am asking for supervised. Maybe sometime later he'll be well enough he could have her on his own at times. His mother has said he has been emotionally ill since he was around 4 years old, he says that its a lie. He just hid away because he was ashamed. Gone 2 years, didnt hear a word from him, he filed this motion asking for the moon out of nowhere, he has been texting me and calling at all hours of the night for the last couple weeks. I asked my attorney and he said i dont have to answer unless he's asking about our daughter. His main topic of conversation is about him being confused about his feelings toward me, his job, and this court stuff. rarely about our daughter except to ask how she's doing. Yesterday as i was leaving my attorneys office, i get a text from him asking me out? And the child support issue..his was based on a part time job..which he did get promoted to a fulltime job making about the same money i do. his isnt high to begin with, but i looked at it as any help is better then none and when he got a job that he earned more, i left child support alone that was based on his part time job. now he has taken a fast food job to show the court he's working, but not making much money, so that they will lower it. he wants the glory of saying he's a father, but no responsibility that goes with it. when his mother came and got her every other weekend, he was there, but his mother did all the care, he played with her, nothing more. its a hard battle because i'm fighting his mother through him, the courts will see him , but she is the one paying for it and making the calls on whats to be done. he wouldn't see her at all if he had his way. His mother is controlling and has her own problems. had i known that i didnt need to be so accomodating to her i wouldn't have. she has caused alot of stress, and my daughters dad tends to avoid her also. So i'm preparing for mediation now, its scarey to have to go through all this, all new to me, i have faith in my lawyer, but bottom line, it comes down to what a judge decides.