H and I had a mediation session last week with a very experienced mediator who is a practicing divorce lawyer, 15 years mediation experience, knows the laws and judges in our jurisdiction, etc., claims over a 98% success rate.
H went in not wanting to pay CS at all because I make more $ than him. I plan on going back to work PT after maternity leave. The mediator really laid it out for him and explained he had no choice, the CS forumula is what it is, and that H is actually very lucky that I'm going back to work at all and that I make a good salary.
He said that no judge will fault me for not going back at all until the children are at least two. H went on to say that he should go to PT schedule and the mediator told him he could, but the CS would still be calculated at his full time rate because he was intentionally under-employing himself. It was like a breath of fresh air! I just kept my mouth shut and let the mediator tell H all the things I've been trying to get through to him.
Of course the mediator said things in a more compassionate and neutral way, sympathized with H, yea it sucks you have to pay CS but you do. I also asked the mediator isn't the CS law changing soon and mediator also threw in that yes, the law has been updated and goes into affect in October. I probed a bit more and said, won't the calcutlations be even higher and he said yes they would, so it's better to agree now, so that you can be grandfathered in under the old law (thought this might help H to not drag this out).
Overall I was pretty happy with the mediation session and the competence of the mediator and we planned on resolving a few things amongst ourselves and going back to mediator in two weeks. The mediator thought we would only need one more session before he could complete the agreement.
Well, H tells me at dropoff yesteday, out of the blue, while I'm holding son who is feverish and cranky, and after I just spent 45 minutes commuting, that he's going for shared physical custody so he doesn't have to pay child support, and that with his schedule (4 days off in a row), there's no reason any judge won't agree to it, and that if I don't agree then he'll get a lawyer and take me to court!!!!! Well I of course lost it and totally not in the frame of mind to discuss this. Over the last few weeks I made a point of scheduling time with H when DS is napping or elsewhere to try to work out these things, or do it via email, not drop this "compromise" as H says out of the blue.
Yes, he said this is his compromise and that if I don't start negotiating he has no recourse. What???? I went into total defensive mode, then he brings up how I've cut him out of the new baby's life (I'm still pregnant!) by not finding out the sex when he wanted to find out and blah blah...it's my body until the baby's born, right? No according to him, he has every right to my medical records and medical everything as long as we're married, he says. What????
I don't even know what to make of it all. I've been crying all night and on the drive to work and even at work. Damn pregnancy hormones don't help.
I went through the entire 'what you wish you would have put in your agreement" thread and made up an agreement that I want to take to the mediator. Basically, I think if I give H more for the house to "offset" the CS for the first few years, he might not push shared physical custody with 4 overnights a week (can't believe I'm even writing this).
My sister thinks I should just get a lawyer now, file for back CS and nail him for being a jerk, but I'm afraid of what a judge might do and also, trying to be as strategic about this as possible. Gah.
WWYD at this point? Is shared physical custody really as hard as I'm imagining in my fear-driven mind?? Not seeing your babies for possibly 4 nights at a time (no way am I volunaritly agreeing to this with a breastfed infant under 1 year!!!) DS (2 in September) has NEVER spent a night away from me and H did very VERY little nighttime parenting when he lived with us...
I'm going to post my parenting plan in another thread for feedback.
H went in not wanting to pay CS at all because I make more $ than him. I plan on going back to work PT after maternity leave. The mediator really laid it out for him and explained he had no choice, the CS forumula is what it is, and that H is actually very lucky that I'm going back to work at all and that I make a good salary.
He said that no judge will fault me for not going back at all until the children are at least two. H went on to say that he should go to PT schedule and the mediator told him he could, but the CS would still be calculated at his full time rate because he was intentionally under-employing himself. It was like a breath of fresh air! I just kept my mouth shut and let the mediator tell H all the things I've been trying to get through to him.
Of course the mediator said things in a more compassionate and neutral way, sympathized with H, yea it sucks you have to pay CS but you do. I also asked the mediator isn't the CS law changing soon and mediator also threw in that yes, the law has been updated and goes into affect in October. I probed a bit more and said, won't the calcutlations be even higher and he said yes they would, so it's better to agree now, so that you can be grandfathered in under the old law (thought this might help H to not drag this out).
Overall I was pretty happy with the mediation session and the competence of the mediator and we planned on resolving a few things amongst ourselves and going back to mediator in two weeks. The mediator thought we would only need one more session before he could complete the agreement.
Well, H tells me at dropoff yesteday, out of the blue, while I'm holding son who is feverish and cranky, and after I just spent 45 minutes commuting, that he's going for shared physical custody so he doesn't have to pay child support, and that with his schedule (4 days off in a row), there's no reason any judge won't agree to it, and that if I don't agree then he'll get a lawyer and take me to court!!!!! Well I of course lost it and totally not in the frame of mind to discuss this. Over the last few weeks I made a point of scheduling time with H when DS is napping or elsewhere to try to work out these things, or do it via email, not drop this "compromise" as H says out of the blue.
Yes, he said this is his compromise and that if I don't start negotiating he has no recourse. What???? I went into total defensive mode, then he brings up how I've cut him out of the new baby's life (I'm still pregnant!) by not finding out the sex when he wanted to find out and blah blah...it's my body until the baby's born, right? No according to him, he has every right to my medical records and medical everything as long as we're married, he says. What????
I don't even know what to make of it all. I've been crying all night and on the drive to work and even at work. Damn pregnancy hormones don't help.
I went through the entire 'what you wish you would have put in your agreement" thread and made up an agreement that I want to take to the mediator. Basically, I think if I give H more for the house to "offset" the CS for the first few years, he might not push shared physical custody with 4 overnights a week (can't believe I'm even writing this).
My sister thinks I should just get a lawyer now, file for back CS and nail him for being a jerk, but I'm afraid of what a judge might do and also, trying to be as strategic about this as possible. Gah.
WWYD at this point? Is shared physical custody really as hard as I'm imagining in my fear-driven mind?? Not seeing your babies for possibly 4 nights at a time (no way am I volunaritly agreeing to this with a breastfed infant under 1 year!!!) DS (2 in September) has NEVER spent a night away from me and H did very VERY little nighttime parenting when he lived with us...
I'm going to post my parenting plan in another thread for feedback.
:
that is so whacked! i wish i had some words of wisdom. he has no right to make medical decisions for you and no right to your medical records. that is the only thing i really know.
