Still waiting, and hoping...

[Carita]

I haven't had much chance to type with two hands, so I am letting it out now.

I am feeling not so bonded to my baby. I have a feeling that this dissertation work and stress is to blame. I can't stop and enjoy her and when I do, I feel guilty about my work, and I think about it all the time.

I keep waiting for it to click. I think she is beautiful and adorable, but she doesn't seem as attached to me as DS did. I have been having people like my DH help with her while I try to work, but I can't imagine that it is worse than daycare, which I did with my son, yet we still managed a secure attachment, htough I do remember it taking some time.

I BW, I BFed, I bedshare, I had a natural birth. The only thing I cannot do is take time off from work.

With my son I had some anxiety - I didn't even realize how much until later. Now with this one I have no anxiety at all, except over my dissertation, and not about her as well, so I almost feel like my mothering instincts are compromised/missing.

WWYD? The worst is that these problems feed itself. I can focus well on my diss because I worry about it, then I get more distracted from her as I get more stressed about the dissertation...

[finn'smama]

Aw, mama. I don't really have any advice. I'm not sure what's in the realm of normal in terms of bonding, so I'm not sure what I would do. If it's stressing you out or you're feeling anxious about it, then I would make an appointment to talk with someone, and rule out PPA/PPD. It sounds to me like you spend lots of time with her and she has lots of love, so maybe it's just taking some time for that bond to form. More

[jenfl]

It's still early. Give it time.

Your dissertation has you totally stressed out and preoccupied; it's understandable! As that calms down, as your LO gets more interactive, I'm sure your bond will grow.

As long as your feelings aren't impacting how you parent -- which it doesn't sound like it is, at all!, what with the baby wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping -- then I don't think your LO is any the worse off.

I didn't bond with my first for quite a while. It was harder to have a baby than I thought for those first few months, then I went back to work for a few months.... It took until she was 6-9 months old for our bond to really start up, and when she hit a year was when it hit full-force. I'm just not a baby person! But I was still the best parent I could be, even if I didn't feel the overwhelming love and joy I thought I was going to -- and she's a great little person who had a great babyhood anyway.

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by jenfl

I'm just not a baby person! But I was still the best parent I could be, even if I didn't feel the overwhelming love and joy I thought I was going to -- and she's a great little person who had a great babyhood anyway.

I think this is a really valid point, and I don't know if it's for sure where you fit, Carita, but it might have something to do with it. Not everyone is gaga over tiny babies. I personally am but I know that I am more often the exception in my group of friends rather than the rule! Nearly everyone else around me prefers over a year for the interactive quality.

[MamaLea]

Hey not from this ddc but saw your post and wanted to pipe in.

It took me several weeks to bond wih my second fully. I had this instantaneous fierce attachment to my first immediately. I didn't even want anyone else holding him! With my second i would hand him over to anyone. I kind of felt guilty but just didn't have that feeling.

I'm really not sure when I got it but i did. It may have been longer than weeks but I knew it when I got it.

And honestly now looking back I feel bad. I wish I had held him more when he was tiny. He's almost 2 now and I just can't imagine our world without him!

Of course you have a whole work thing going on taking up your brain but it also may be part of just that late to connect to e second child thing. I just wanted to reassure you that it is coming, just keep doing what you're doing, bfing, bed sharing, etc and youlll connect.

Ok, sorry to barge in on your board!

[crazyeight]

i don't have any advice but hugs. i understand how it feels. i still feel like i haven't bonded correctly with ds1. he feels very foreign to me. not that i want him out of my life or would be ok with it but it just doesn't feel the same especially with ds2 around now. dd and my's bond isn't even as strong as ds2. but i just have to know that i am his mother and every person is different and our relationships are different. maybe my other 2 don't need the bond like ds2 and i do. i really do think and hope that things work out for you. i HAVE to hope that it will be alright b/c i'm standing there with you with many more years of doubt and not feeling bonded. (ds1 is almost 6!)

[Carita]

thanks mamalea that someone else has experienced the same.

i know most of it is because of this dissertation and unfortunately I thought I'd be done by now, yet it'll take a few more months, and dear god help me if it takes longer, because i feel like I am putting our bonding on hold until its done and i am so sad about this.

jenfl - i AM a baby person. that is the crazy part. i'm not good with the toddler years. am good at cuddling and shopping! LOL. i want to soak up every minute, no nearly 4 months have passed and i'm feeling disconnected from it all.

[Peace+Hope]

maybe this sounds dumb, but some cognitive self-therapy could possibly help. challenge your negative thoughts by writing out some positive ones to counteract them, and repeat them to yourself when you are feeling negative/fractious. maybe post them at your desk...

you SHOULD feel good about focusing on finishing your work. and the sooner you can do that, the sooner you will have more time for your LO. and you should DEFINITELY feel great about all the things you are doing with and for your LO!

it sucks to be divided in your mind all the time