August Dating Thread! A Gust of Passion in the air...?!

[Butterflymom]

Let's cross our fingers for an Indian summer because I'm not at all ready to cease my search for my one summer love!

What about you?

[Hollycrand]

Butterflymom,

What happened to the potential guys you mentioned in July??

[LoveOhm]

Sorry I have been mostly MIA this summer. Honestly I was in a kinda blagh mood with dating so I did not want to bring bad mojo to the group. I do have a somewhat positive outlook.

A slight update:

THE ARTIST:
The Artist and I are now just friends ~ I was the one who defined it as such since after several months of dating he had yet to ask me to be "in a relationship". Honestly I am not sure as to the "why" with the exception of 1) the fact that he is really stressed with trying to refinance his house and is working like mad so he does not lose it which ties up his time 2) that I require ALOT of time and attention from my significant other and 3) perhaps holding out too long.... initially because I wanted to really know him and move slow and then just logistics on both our parts pushed us into the friend zone....... I think the 3rd is the most significant but anywhoo I can't imagine finding a man better for me in the long run than him for so many practical as well as passionate reasons so I need some advice on getting out of the friend zone. Any thoughts? I know he still likes me because he is really putting a ton of effort into still being friends and we know it's not for the physical since that was not even really happening when we were "dating" ---- he still sends text messages often that are really sweet and he calls me when he needs a shoulder or clarity in family/work stuff.... etc. so please tell me what to do?

THE AGENT:
The Agent and I have been full on dating spending lots of time together but I am really because he knows I need a new car and while the Artist has offered twice to help me the Agent is kinda avoiding the subject and won't address it head on...... and I am SUPPOSEDLY HIS GIRLFRIEND BY HIS DEFINITION (you all remember that right ). He is in a better financial position than the Artist by far so it hurts that he has not already stepped up to help. This fact alone has changed any future with him even as the "back up plan" for a husband, LOL! At this point IF I allow him to stay in my life it will be for his connects to help me career wise...... romance gone!

THE CHEF:
And I met a new cutie pie (I will post a pic in private) I will call him The Chef. He is a sweetie but lost his job and then his apartment within a month of meeting...... I think he could be fun to hang out with but I am concerned with dating someone who is not somewhat established. He is now "thinking" about a career change, SMH.

GENERAL MUSINGS:
If I were in a better financial position maybe my outlook would be different but is it really too much to EXPECT potential suitors to have a CAREER????? LOL! I keep meeting men without a solid career, is this a reflection of our economic times? I am not at a point where I want simply to date...... I AM LOOKING FOR A BEST FRIEND AND A POTENTIAL LIFE PARTNER so sadly fun is not enough.

[incorrigible]

I'm no help w The Artist. I always assume "he's just not that into me" and fall into a comfortable friendship with those kind of guys...only to find out years later they were really into me but thought "I" wasn't interested. =/ Best of luck figuring out what's going on in his brain. Maybe a blunt and to the point conversation? Tell him what you're feeling point blank and ask for a clear response?

I'm not generally all that concerned with "careers". Actually, I don't tend to fit well with guys with established careers in general. A steady job, though, is a different story. Work, support himself, etc. Being able to pull his own weight is one of my (admittedly few) basic requirements. Career men call me too wild, though. lol Not at all in the way most people mean wild. I'm as clean cut as they get, but I've gotta lot of California hippy and kind of nomadic urges. As I've gotten older, the nomadic nature has toned down, but the crunchy hippy in me has gotten stronger. lol

I think I maybe finally found "the one" though. We've only been dating for a few months now, but we've been close friends for over 15 years. There's never been so much as a flirtation between us because we both thought the other didn't see us that way, but he's one of the most kind, supportive, wonderful people I know. I don't think I've ever known anyone to have anything negative to say about him in all this time, except that he is such a nurturer that he seems to attract needy unsupportive women. That's not me. If anything, our issue is the opposite. I have to learn to let him do more for me so he doesn't feel useless. lol He has been a good friend to me since before I even met XH, and was there all through the divorce and the kidnapping and murders and ALL of it. He's been just biding his time since the kids and I moved back home, waiting for my life and emotions to stabilize enough that I am ready to get into a serious relationship. When he saw that had happened, he told me how he felt about me and we started going out. I'm totally all mushy in love. We've had a deep love between us for so long as friends, that everything just transitioned smoothly right over to a romantic love. He definitely would like to see this be long term and forever, but wants to "do things right" as do I. We are trying not to let ourselves jump into anything too serious too fast. Normally the kids don't meet anyone I date, but being such a close friend he's around us all the time already. The kids adore him and also hope things will last, too, though we're being delicate about their exposure to us saying anything like that yet. Honestly, I think I'm the only one of the four of us that isn't comfortable just going ahead at light speed, but there it is. I ended up w XH because I was too trusting and didn't take the time to get to really know him. I'm strongly of the opinion that you can't have any idea how a relationship will work until you've had a couple good fights, for one thing. How people deal with those big issues gives you a LOT of info about how they deal with all the little stuff that comes up daily. We had our first really good fight the other day, though, so we're on our way. lol (he and Crash were SWORD FIGHTING in the livingroom! I yelled at them and told them they'd both be grounded if they did it again...Crash to the house, and bf FROM the house. lol He went outside and pouted and said he didn't like being treated like a kid. I told him he shouldn't act like one...It went over as well as one would expect. lol We ended up hashing things out here and there all day. It was exhausting!)

[JunipersMom]

I've had two dates now with the same man. There is NO spark of a future at all there - but we did have fun, ate good food and its a start. Now I just have to figure out how to fairly and nicely appropriate not go out with him again..

[Devaya]

incorrigible, it's interesting to hear what you say about a friendship smoothly transitioning into romantic love. For the first time in my life that seems to be happening with me...well, not as close a friend as you describe at all, just a friend of a friend who I've had a few conversations with, and never really thought of romantically at all - suddenly things are happening with us and it's freaking me out a bit...I've always approached relat's from the other end - that is, sexual/romantic stuff happening first, then friendship developing. This is very different. We are talking about our values, what we want, he is hanging out with me and my son together (he's brilliant with him), and nothing sexual has happened between us yet - just the acknowledgment that we are both attracted to each other and that we think we may well be what each other is looking for...a commitment to going down that path together. It feels realy 'unknown' but really right as well. One part that freaks me out a bit is he says he wants 3 kids and a partner who is mostly at home with the kids, and I have just started clawing back my career and my 'me time' now that my son is nearly 3 - although I want more children I just don't know how that's going to pan out.

[momanderson]

deleting for privacy

[Hollycrand]

momanderson,

Sorry to hear about ending things badly with paramedic, but great that you feel okay with it.
It was a good learning experience.
Can I ask what are the things you learned from your just-ended relationship, if it's not too personal??

[sugarmoon]

I'm here, but I've got nothin' doin'.......went on a really horrid date on Saturday night with a guy from match.com and have had lots of other icky men contact me there, but no one I'd like to meet up with. But, I have profiles up there, and on the local dating site. Why, I'm not totally sure, but who knows, maybe something will come of it.

In the meantime, I'm keeping busy busy busy with kids, work, school, and making new friends and connections in my community, which feels really good. I am really torn between feeling like my life is pretty great and doesn't really have time/space for a regular boyfriend in it, and really wishing I had a "someone" in my life to be enjoying things with....

And if anyone remembers the two guys I'd mentioned in the past, ATG, who I was smitten with and dating this winter, is still around as a friend. He is seeing someone, and told me recently that he thinks she is jealous of me, which made me laugh, and then cry, because really? I *hate* insecure catty women, and I'm terrified of them. But ATG assured me that he wasn't going to give up our friendship b/c of it, but we'll see. I got burned so hard, in this exact type of situation, with Complications and his new GF, that I've got a real chip on my shoulder about it.

Photoguy and I had a semi-regular political relationship, but he is now seeing someone regularly, so that's done. He also "wants to be friends" but we had less of a friendship to in the first place, so I'm not sure how much I want to invest. Then again, he just moved to the town I live in, and is now a neighbor, and he is *truly* a good person, and I need all the friends and helpful neighbors I can get, so we'll see.

Hmm.. who else? Oh, blast from the past, if anyone remembers Jester, my neighbor from last spring? He got married this weekend, to a woman he met just before he and I hooked up, and who he decided to start seeing regularly right after the second time we hooked up....

I'm not at all emotional about that, and am truly happy for them, but am also just....eh! Everyone who breaks up with me seems to go on, immediately, to a long term, serious relationship. I'm not so thrilled about that, can't figure it out. I'm tired of men telling me "I just don't want a relationship right now" and then promptly getting into one. I mean I *KNOW* it's just a line, but still. I'm sick of hearing it.

/rant off/

Sorry. Didn't realize I had that much rant in me!

Good to hear updates from y'all. I'll try to be more present in this thread, I miss you guys!

[muse]

hey all, i'm back. looks like an active month for some.

here, well, life is full of surprises. was due to sign divorce papers a couple of weeks ago and couldn't do it. had a lot going on at the time and it was one grief too many. ex was totally great about it, and paid for me to go on a meditation retreat for my bday. wow.

so i went away last week and pondered my marriage and divorce and concluded i really need to stay single and take care of myself and get clear right now. took myself off match.com, decided to stick with meetup for fun activites.
went out fri night to hear music with a meetup group, next thing you know i meet a man who is so totally *not* my type but the chemistry was intense, sparks flying, and long story short we spent most of the weekend together. I'll call him The Scientist.

I feel so strange about it all. I *never* usually behave like this, going home with a guy on the first meeting (ok not since my 20's), and this was (almost, Chicago Guy was the first) the first physical connection since my husband, so all very intense. But he is the calmest man i've ever met, very gentle and sensitive and respectful. He said he felt i needed to be "held" by someone, without chaos or drama. He was so spot on! I don't think there's really any relationship potential here, but a very strong sweet connection..I was upfront about my wanting to be single right now.

Question for you mamas..anyone else feel twinges of guilt being physical with someone again? part of me feels so irresponsible, and part of me knows it was so good for me. I think too theres a big element of not wanting to hurt anyone, especially after hurting my husband, another sensitive respectful man. Meanwhile Chicago Guy is back again, wanting to reconnect. He's so much more complicated and yet he's the one i keep getting drawn back to. Is this kind of a typical post-divorce dating pattern, maybe?? I feel like I'm spinning a bit. Got to take good care of my heart.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by incorrigible

I'm no help w The Artist. I always assume "he's just not that into me" and fall into a comfortable friendship with those kind of guys...only to find out years later they were really into me but thought "I" wasn't interested. =/ Best of luck figuring out what's going on in his brain.

This is what I am scarred of. Overall I think it's mostly timing but your new love interest gives me hope!

Originally Posted by incorrigible

I'm not generally all that concerned with "careers". Actually, I don't tend to fit well with guys with established careers in general. A steady job, though, is a different story. Work, support himself, etc. Being able to pull his own weight is one of my (admittedly few) basic requirements. Career men call me too wild, though. lol Not at all in the way most people mean wild. I'm as clean cut as they get, but I've gotta lot of California hippy and kind of nomadic urges. As I've gotten older, the nomadic nature has toned down, but the crunchy hippy in me has gotten stronger. lol

Well a steady job would be a good thing too! Most of the new the prospects unworthy of mention here all seem underemployed. I did not even know men like this would approach women.

Originally Posted by incorrigible

I think I maybe finally found "the one" though. We've only been dating for a few months now, but we've been close friends for over 15 years. There's never been so much as a flirtation between us because we both thought the other didn't see us that way, but he's one of the most kind, supportive, wonderful people I know. I don't think I've ever known anyone to have anything negative to say about him in all this time, except that he is such a nurturer that he seems to attract needy unsupportive women. That's not me. If anything, our issue is the opposite. I have to learn to let him do more for me so he doesn't feel useless. lol He has been a good friend to me since before I even met XH, and was there all through the divorce and the kidnapping and murders and ALL of it. He's been just biding his time since the kids and I moved back home, waiting for my life and emotions to stabilize enough that I am ready to get into a serious relationship. When he saw that had happened, he told me how he felt about me and we started going out. I'm totally all mushy in love. We've had a deep love between us for so long as friends, that everything just transitioned smoothly right over to a romantic love. He definitely would like to see this be long term and forever, but wants to "do things right" as do I. We are trying not to let ourselves jump into anything too serious too fast. Normally the kids don't meet anyone I date, but being such a close friend he's around us all the time already. The kids adore him and also hope things will last, too, though we're being delicate about their exposure to us saying anything like that yet. Honestly, I think I'm the only one of the four of us that isn't comfortable just going ahead at light speed, but there it is. I ended up w XH because I was too trusting and didn't take the time to get to really know him. I'm strongly of the opinion that you can't have any idea how a relationship will work until you've had a couple good fights, for one thing. How people deal with those big issues gives you a LOT of info about how they deal with all the little stuff that comes up daily. We had our first really good fight the other day, though, so we're on our way. lol (he and Crash were SWORD FIGHTING in the livingroom! I yelled at them and told them they'd both be grounded if they did it again...Crash to the house, and bf FROM the house. lol He went outside and pouted and said he didn't like being treated like a kid. I told him he shouldn't act like one...It went over as well as one would expect. lol We ended up hashing things out here and there all day. It was exhausting!)

This gives me hope!!!! I would be careful to not make your man feel like a child ~ it hurts their ego. You gotta deal with correcting him behind closed doors for his ego as well as the fact that you don't want to undermine him in front of the kiddo so one day when has has to discipline your kiddo that the child views him as an adult. That said, I love that you got past the first fight. I have never thought about a fight as a turning point but indeed you are right. I am cheering you on.

Originally Posted by JunipersMom

I've had two dates now with the same man. There is NO spark of a future at all there - but we did have fun, ate good food and its a start. Now I just have to figure out how to fairly and nicely appropriate not go out with him again..

I would simply tell him you are really busy right now and don't feel you can date ongoing.

Originally Posted by Devaya

incorrigible, it's interesting to hear what you say about a friendship smoothly transitioning into romantic love. For the first time in my life that seems to be happening with me...well, not as close a friend as you describe at all, just a friend of a friend who I've had a few conversations with, and never really thought of romantically at all - suddenly things are happening with us and it's freaking me out a bit...I've always approached relat's from the other end - that is, sexual/romantic stuff happening first, then friendship developing. This is very different. We are talking about our values, what we want, he is hanging out with me and my son together (he's brilliant with him), and nothing sexual has happened between us yet - just the acknowledgment that we are both attracted to each other and that we think we may well be what each other is looking for...a commitment to going down that path together. It feels realy 'unknown' but really right as well. One part that freaks me out a bit is he says he wants 3 kids and a partner who is mostly at home with the kids, and I have just started clawing back my career and my 'me time' now that my son is nearly 3 - although I want more children I just don't know how that's going to pan out.

This this this is the situation in the beginning with the Artist and I. I think the "unknown" got to me and the timing was not ideal for him to go to the next step. I hope it turns around though. It is amazing to find a man that makes you feel that way without the physical clouding your mind. I feel it makes the physical better!

Originally Posted by momanderson

Well ladies I am back! Single again and strangely ok with it. Paramedic and I ended things not very well today. I just looked for fun and he's already back on POF after telling me he just wanted to spend the summer alone with his boys. oh and he used a picture I took of him from my face book in his profile!!! tacky or what?

A friend is coming over later to help me set up my new profile on pof! I guess whats god for the goose is good for the gander right?!

I'm also going to court with ex at the end f the month for custody and support to be formalized and am trying to get him to let me buy him out of the house, but he's nt really willing for some dumb reason. Looking at school in January too.

Thats where I'm at in a nut shell!

I'm feeling much more open to meeting guys this time around and hopefully learned a lot from my last relationship.

Sorry things ended badly I was hoping the best for you two. That is tacky to use your pic but also flattering I guess.....

Good luck on your court items!

[Butterflymom]

I'm seeing the perfect guy. We've hung out 9 times in two weeks. He makes time for me like nobody's business. Only when he's working does he not suggest we meet up (and even then he's sending lots of long text messages). He's responsible, mature, established, successful, tall, handsome, kind, educated, talented, intelligent and we can talk for 18 hours about our common interests.

However, he won't make a move. (and no flirting either, really) Not even when I try to get the ball rolling by, say, sitting in his lap and leaning in close. Is he just not that into me???

[Hollycrand]

Butterflymom,

Maybe he really respects you, and would like to get to know you better before making any physical moves?? Two weeks is a short time to know someone...

Enjoy your time with him, take it for what it is (obviously he likes spending time with you), and when things do happen, they'll be magical.

Patience!!

[Devaya]

LoveOhm, yes,I guess the connection BEFORE getting physical can make the physical better...but it's been two weeks and all we've done is kiss a couple of times. I must admit sex is a big part of relationships for me and I'm starting to think ,what's the point of proceeding only to find out maybe we're not sexually compatible? Actually, I wonder if anyone has any advice or insight into this: I've been feeling really suddenly completely turned off this guy, since things got very emotionally close, and feeling a physical revulsion, wanting to push him away. When we kissed and touched before, it felt good and the chemistry was good, and every time we hugged, I could feel that energy between us - as well as a 'loving' energy.

But now... I just feel so overwhelmed and invaded by his complete emotional honesty and openness and it feels too much, I think it has made me go into 'retreat and protect' mode. I don't know how to change this pattern. I think there's a lot of potential with this guy - he certainly breaks the mould of past relationships - and part of the problem is, I've always had relationships where there was a lot of distance between us, where essentially we had our own separate lives (even when living together) and just joined together in a cyclical fashion. These past men were always 'push-pull' with me, distant and unavailable in some ways (like my father)... and this guy is not like that at all. He's like a rock - just staying there, in the face of my withdrawal, and not withdrawing. It freaks the **** out of me.I really don't want to just run away and give up, but these feelings are so strong.

[Roxanne600]

I'm so glad this thread is here. Next weekend I'm going on my first gate in 10 years!

[vannienicole]

No dates for me. I am talking to a guy who lives 15 minutes from me. A cute graphics designer who works two jobs and has his 7 old DD every weekend. Maybe a date sometime in the future? Otherwise I just have no time for such things lol.

[Butterflymom]

Devaya, your guy sounds awesome!

so as for me, Sweetie Sweeterson & I are together constantly. 3 weeks of dating so far (more than a dozen get togethers,--- lately all the time).

SS is too perfect....the guy with the ice scraper all the way. Everything is ao perfect . Details in private.

[Seie]

Hi girls.
Loveohm, is it really so complicated. Can't you just talk to him (The Artist) I mean. Tell him how you feel and ask what he feels? It sounds like your relationship is close enough that you can talk about such things?

Momanderson: So sorry about the whole paramedic story

Butterflymom: Cheering for you :cheer:

I haven't been around here for months. Nothing new here. Still dating Manager. Went on a vacation together with all our kids this summer. Part of me is thinking this is very convenient. He is definately a guy with an icescraper. He will do anything for me it seems, is always acting mature and with emotional insight, compassion, empathy and knowledge. He is very smart, has a good job and is crazy about me and I do care for him. So in short I havent been able to let go of him. But still there is only one guy in my heart and he broke me 9 months ago. So no news. Stuck in the same old mess.

[artgirl]

new here. need to talk about hot man

Hi. I've now been on my first, second and third date!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been single for over a year now and it just started to get to me last month.
So this new man....three dates and I feel like I want 10,000. But I'm scared sh*tless! Because I care. I wasn't really expecting to have the nerves again at such a lame old age. "Does he like me? Should I call? Will my saggy post-birth belly bother him?"
It's insane and uncomfortable and wonderful and annoying at the same time. I am so much just trying to enjoy the moment but I feel myself hoping. And it's way too soon to hope. And I can feel already that if he just disappeared... there would be a hole.
And I've been cruising along so happily for so many months now. Why did I allow someone to have the power to sock a hole in my chest??
SCARY.
And I believe with all my heart that a man would be lucky to have me. so why do I lose all memory of that knowledge when I need it?

I'm crazy.

BTW, we emailed for quite awhile so it's been more than three dates worth of getting to know him.

[Devaya]

artgirl, I know so much that feeling of getting sucked into the 'hope' thing....even when you know you deserve a good man, etc etc.

I love this term 'guy with the ice scraper' but not sure exactly what it means - anyone clarify please? Butterflymom, great to hear you're getting to spend so much time with your man and that it's all going so great!

Roxanne, good luck with your first date in 10 years - that's really big!

As for me, I had a great evening last night with my new man, who I'll call 'The Musician'. (he's lots of other things too, but that's least likely to identify him to anyone else). And...wow...it's all amazing. But still, something doesn't feel quite right, and i'm not sure if it's just my fear and resistance to finally being with a 'good guy' rather than an asshole, or if there's really something not right. It could just be that he's not my preferred physical 'type' - I mean that stuff is just so deeply set I find. But here's the big thing...he confessed that he has a certain STD which has really freaked me out, to be honest. What would you guys do? I mean, it's not a fatal one, but I don't fancy catching anything, esp something that could affect my ability to give birth naturally. (We've not slept together yet - but things are progressing nicely in that direction now). I said I needed time to digest the information, and I think he was hurt...but it's quite a big deal for me. I now realise though that that could be partly why he's been taking it so slowly in the physical department... putting off having to have 'that conversation'. I respect his honesty and courage massively though...