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August Dating Thread! A Gust of Passion in the air...?! - Page 2

post #21 of 47
Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post
In the meantime, I'm keeping busy busy busy with kids, work, school, and making new friends and connections in my community, which feels really good. I am really torn between feeling like my life is pretty great and doesn't really have time/space for a regular boyfriend in it, and really wishing I had a "someone" in my life to be enjoying things with....
I really understand this feeling. My life is so full and productive in a healthy way. Still quite often I feel a desire to share my days and certain activities with "someone"..... I have found a balance in casually dating as a solo mama but a serious relationship that requires significant amounts of time and emotional investment seem harder to wrap my mind around unless we can bypass all the initial "dating" to the "in a relationship" place.

Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post
And if anyone remembers the two guys I'd mentioned in the past, ATG, who I was smitten with and dating this winter, is still around as a friend. He is seeing someone, and told me recently that he thinks she is jealous of me, which made me laugh, and then cry, because really? I *hate* insecure catty women, and I'm terrified of them. But ATG assured me that he wasn't going to give up our friendship b/c of it, but we'll see. I got burned so hard, in this exact type of situation, with Complications and his new GF, that I've got a real chip on my shoulder about it.

Photoguy and I had a semi-regular political relationship, but he is now seeing someone regularly, so that's done. He also "wants to be friends" but we had less of a friendship to in the first place, so I'm not sure how much I want to invest. Then again, he just moved to the town I live in, and is now a neighbor, and he is *truly* a good person, and I need all the friends and helpful neighbors I can get, so we'll see.

Hmm.. who else? Oh, blast from the past, if anyone remembers Jester, my neighbor from last spring? He got married this weekend, to a woman he met just before he and I hooked up, and who he decided to start seeing regularly right after the second time we hooked up....

I'm not at all emotional about that, and am truly happy for them, but am also just....eh! Everyone who breaks up with me seems to go on, immediately, to a long term, serious relationship. I'm not so thrilled about that, can't figure it out. I'm tired of men telling me "I just don't want a relationship right now" and then promptly getting into one. I mean I *KNOW* it's just a line, but still. I'm sick of hearing it.
I do hope that you and ATG can stay friends but I completely understand you being on edge after the past friendships that have been strained because of insecure women. But then again it also means these men speak with a warmth or fondness that means you left an deep impression on them which is a compliment.

Photoguy seems like better left in the past but maybe you can be friends but really do you have time for friendships that can only go so far.....?? I find my time is so limited I would hate wasting it with a ton of male friends that there is no potential with. I am truly not judging but wondering. How do you balance that?

Congrats for Jester and how well you are doing with it. Maybe you should charge his new wife with a matchmaker fee since you mold them in the men they are supposed to me. Maybe you could be my matchmakers (JUST KIDDING) It's a tough position but it's amazing how you are in a healthy places and can ponder the reasons behind the past relationships. And truly it is a compliment in one way that men can have healthy relationships after you IF you were crazy or something your ex's would just play the field or be scarred of women..... so while I know it's not your happily ever after and not the end goal I do think it would be crazy to not see that you are and have been of value to them.
post #22 of 47
Well...I haven't written on here in quite a while. I was dating on Match.com for a while. Went on 7 dates with a guy that works for Keiser with nothing more than so so conversation and a few pecks on the lips. He is a nice person, makes good money, but I was so turned off by his lack of risk taking. He's 'been hurt in the past...' I am so over that. I want to love and not worry about heartbreak because that is always a possibility..... He wants to see eachother again, but I have someone else in mind.....

We can call him MO. I met him though a friend and from the first time we met I feel at home with him. He is super wonderfull with ds. He is someone I could actually consider as a male role model for ds. He is masculine, but gentle and liberal at the same time. The catch is...he left town to go do some wonderful work in africa and will be back in a month or so. As of now we are just friends. After he left we text a little, talked on the phone once and then yesterday I recieved a package in the mail full of hand-me-down toys/books for ds and a SWEET letter for me, saying that I am an incredible person, that he is thinking of me and is looking forward to coming home. Basically my heart is melting. He is 8 years younger than me, so at first I dismissed the idea but now I think I am over that.

Whew, thats all for now. A part of me wonders if I need to be dating in the meantime but then I wonder if there is any point to that. Do I go out with Keiser guy again just to kill some time or see if maybe there is more of a connection than I think?
post #23 of 47

Hole in chest

ACK! I have the hole now. My 3-dater dumped me. Oh so graciously. Really, he couldn't have been kinder. He's on a mission to find someone and if it's not there instantly, he's out. No taking time to get to know someone. And I respect that. He's going to make someone a very happy woman. I am sorry it won't be me. And OUCH. Ouch that hurts. I was really liking him. And we made out on the couch and I REALLY liked that. It's so hard not to berate yourself for what you may have done "wrong". There's nothing wrong when two people just don't match.

Sucks not to have something to look forward to now though. Sucks to have the hope taken away for the time being.

Devaya... about the musician and the STD. Oh that's a tough one!! But I notice in your writing that you are already saying that he's not quite right for you even before you get to the news of the STD. Physically he's not your usual type, there seems to be something just a little off. I wouldn't take the risk of the STD lightly...and only consider it if the guy is absolutely earth shattering. It's not a deal breaker...but it certainly ups the ante. Once upon a time when I was younger (a lot) and stupider (a lot) I slept with a man who had an STD. He was also very honest and I admired that. Almost felt obligated to go through with it because he HAD been so honest. I did NOT get it. But I was a wreck afterward. Wondering how I could've been so stupid. He was not worth it. And I was incredibly worried, waiting to see if I'd have a breakout. It was horrible.
post #24 of 47
muse - Congrats on signing your divorce papers and I am really happy your ex was so understanding to the time you needed and what a surprise to have an ex give such a meaningful gift for your birthday as you part ways. I truly believe when you stop looking and leave yourself open to the universe amazing things happen. How are things with The Scientist now? You said you don't feel there is relationship potential has that changed? If not do you think you could be in each others' lives in someway because you do seem like you want to be "held".

To answer your question being physical for the first time with someone new was bitter-sweet for me. It was amazingly liberating for me but my bliss and peacefulness the next morning also woke me up to just how over my ex I was. All my feelings for my ex were completely gone. No anger, no hurt, no compassion just indifference. This feeling of indifference for my ex of course was not doing to my physical act..... but I think that final step helped me see how far I had come. That said, I was not the one doing the hurting.

Roxanne600 - Welcome and make sure to give us an update on your date!

Vannienicole - I really struggled to find time to date in the beginning and I have found that is does take work and understanding on his part but it can be done. Lunch dates are favorites for me in the beginning because I can arrange a playdate or my daughter is in school so no extra childcare hassle. I also really like the concept of living room dates that take place in your home after your child is asleep but that would be when I knew someone well and were pretty committed or on that path. Sadly I don't have my own place to do that with yet. The other thing that has worked with me is to swap childcare with another single mom with a daughter around my daughter's age. Good luck finding the balance. I would not sweat it, you will find the time when your ready.

Butterflymom - I am really excited for you and SS!!!! U deserve happiness.

I will try to respond to those I missed tomorrow. I am heading to bed now.
post #25 of 47

Thanks for the kind advice. I just figure that once things settle more, i'll find the time somewhere.
post #26 of 47
mamas I am SOOOOO glad for this thread. I have never been through such a rollercoaster as trying to date as a single mom. It is so totally different than before marriage/kids and it's hard to explain to anyone unless they're in it. I'm reading all your stories and taking them in just not getting time to respond to them all.

Originally Posted by LoveOhm View Post
muse - How are things with The Scientist now? You said you don't feel there is relationship potential has that changed? If not do you think you could be in each others' lives in someway because you do seem like you want to be "held".
great question. I thought maybe so after some really sweet phone conversations that made me feel mroe connected. but this week we got together and I had been very clear I wanted us to connect without sex being involved, to take a walk & have dinner. But it was so clear from the minute he arrived (red wine in hand, very flirtatious) that he was wanting more. It was kind of overwhelming him telling me how much he'd missed me, how he thinks of me all the time yada yada...we *just met* for chrissakes! I ended up not keeping my own boundary and then totally regretted that and had to ask him to leave my home (politely, after we talked it all through). It was clear to me at that point that we can't stay in touch, and i haven't heard form him since wed. However sweet he seems he is also not respecting me telling him that I'm in a vulnerable place right now or respecting the limits I set. And if I can't keep to my own limits then I shouldn't be in this situation...URGH. I feel icky that I let him into my bed; the first man since my husband. DAMN.

I put myself back on match though I'm not sure if I can be dating right now, but I have been alone for so damn long now I'm sick of it . Where oh where is a grown up man that can connect maturely, can wait for sex, and can respect where I'm at....??

And I have to look at myself: how can i go about this in a healthier way than staying in an emotionally abusive situation with someone 2,000 miles away and then jumping into bed with a stranger...NONE of this is *anything* like me at any point in my life, but I guess divorce can do some crazy stuff to you...and also maybe I need to get something out my system that I never did when i was younger. i dunno. thank goodness for therapy is all i can say right now.
post #27 of 47
Originally Posted by artgirl View Post
I wouldn't take the risk of the STD lightly...and only consider it if the guy is absolutely earth shattering. It's not a deal breaker...but it certainly ups the ante. Once upon a time when I was younger (a lot) and stupider (a lot) I slept with a man who had an STD. He was also very honest and I admired that. Almost felt obligated to go through with it because he HAD been so honest. I did NOT get it. But I was a wreck afterward. Wondering how I could've been so stupid. He was not worth it. And I was incredibly worried, waiting to see if I'd have a breakout. It was horrible.
Devaya, I can't speak to your situation, but i can relate to what artgirl wrote. Won't go into details but I put myself in a somewhat similar situation with Chicago Guy. Bad bad bad bad bad.....I think sometimes when a man is so upfront and open about something it makes us feel closer to & more trusting of them than maybe we should, and we miss some major red flags.
post #28 of 47
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post
As for me, I had a great evening last night with my new man, who I'll call 'The Musician'. (he's lots of other things too, but that's least likely to identify him to anyone else). And...wow...it's all amazing. But still, something doesn't feel quite right, and i'm not sure if it's just my fear and resistance to finally being with a 'good guy' rather than an asshole, or if there's really something not right. It could just be that he's not my preferred physical 'type' - I mean that stuff is just so deeply set I find. But here's the big thing...he confessed that he has a certain STD which has really freaked me out, to be honest. What would you guys do? I mean, it's not a fatal one, but I don't fancy catching anything, esp something that could affect my ability to give birth naturally. (We've not slept together yet - but things are progressing nicely in that direction now). I said I needed time to digest the information, and I think he was hurt...but it's quite a big deal for me. I now realise though that that could be partly why he's been taking it so slowly in the physical department... putting off having to have 'that conversation'. I respect his honesty and courage massively though...
My response is that you should take some deep thought before sleeping with anyone.

I would look at some stats on that STD but if it's what I assume it is please know that it is suspected that half the US Population is speculated to carry at least one form of that STD and that 20 - 25% of prego mother's have it and most can birth naturally. My mother actually has that STD and married my step dad: it's been 20+ years and he has never contracted it and they have two sons both born vaginally and don't use condoms just like most married couples. Also there are options to help reduce your chances of contracting it..... but those are options because he knows he has this. What scares me more is that "Studies have shown that the vast majority (80-90%) of people who have said STD have not been diagnosed." and "Approximately 20% of the people with said STD never have symptoms." So basically anyone you are physical with has a large risk of having this STD even if they have never had a sign or have been diagnosed. That unknown is scary, Oh and you can be tested and it not show up......

So overall I think I would say that there is always a risk when you are being intimate with someone. I don't feel that the STD itself is a big deal but I do feel any time I elect to be physical with someone that it should be a conscious decision that I don't make lightly. I would follow your intuition and heart. Since you really like him, I would take it slow and see where things go.
post #29 of 47
Thread Starter 
I think LoveOhm is dead on about the HSVI&HSVII (that's what we're discussing, right?). The stats get even way higher & more 'hopeless' (if we're discussing trying to avoid exposure) if we discuss the dozens of strains of HPV out there in the vast majority of the adult population. Americans make a MUCH bigger deal about this than in Europe, and what LoveOhm said about most not being diagnosed and many never having showed a single sign, etc, is spot-on and is kind of an eye-opener when it comes to sleeping with anyone.
My mom homebirthed me with it and I didn't catch it and I have homebirthed with the virus deeply dormant in my system as well without a single issue. (Caught it from my ex the second we TTC'd, but immune response was so swift and total --i.e. I was crazy sick-- and antibody level was so off the charts that since then, 8 years ago, it's stayed entirely dormant and never resurfaces, which means, in practice, that it's living in the base of my spine the same way chicken pox is stored deeply away and out of my life, and causes me no issues and I'm not contagious. But that's just me and my immune response was quite a bit higher and more of a 'perfect natural vaccine' type reaction than most get). For many of us, it's a non-issue, just to provide a different perspective. But of course it's not desirable to catch it. If you're not sure about this guy, why go all the way? Take it slow for now, especially given the situation.

SS is a peach. Pics in private.
post #30 of 47
Butterflymom, that's wonderful to hear that your man has turned out to be a winner. Muse, I think a rollercoaster is a very accurate way to describe this dating as a single mom thing. It certainly is completely different to dating before motherhood, and I feel some grief about that... but trying to roll with the punches. In a way things in my experience have been becoming much more 'real' (ie the relat gets tested earlier) very quickly - in the two short relationships I had before this one, and the current one.

Thanks everyone for the advice and info re the STD issue (yes, ButterflyMom, its HSV - not sure which one tho - and apparently they don't necessarily know which one it is anymore). I am going to take it slow and not jump into anything, certainly not until I feel really 100 % positive about The Musician, and until I find enough information to my satisfaction about the health side. He said it's not been an issue for any previous partners, which surprised me.

As for the 'feeling something's not quite right' thing, that is rapidly disappearing as I get to know him and am setting my own boundaries better,talking about it as soon as something comes up instead of letting it build up. This is a massive lesson for me in relationships. I am getting used to the way he's not my physical type and finding him more and more genuinely attractive (just for the record, he's not NOT good looking, he's just not my usual type ) and part of that is due to us being more physically involved now, after all the chemistry is brilliant. Still, I have to reign myself in a bit bc I know how I can get carried away, esp when someone is romantic and enthusiastic about me...and him being so good with my son and so up for spending time all 3 of us (as well as the 2 of us).
post #31 of 47
Thread Starter 
I've never transmitted it either, and I have had several boyfriends since I divorced with whom I did not use condoms with (I choose wisely and get tested between partners). It's only contagious before/during/after an outbreak; ergo if you have no outbreaks you aren't ever contagious, except for the infintesimally small chance that at any given moment you could be about to break out, which I guess is always possible in theory, but anyways.... I repeat, being exposed to & then developing resistence to this virus affects me about as much as chicken pox interferes with my life these last 23 years since I had it the one time.

But anyway glad to hear that the musician is awesome!!!
Ferra good luck with MO!
So sorry for your heartbreak, artgirl!

As for me and SS, I have a question for y'all:

Do you think that if SS will ever be enough for me if he can't express himself emotionally without great difficulty & in the end in very few words (frustrating!), or say romantic things to me, or be romantic, *verbally?* assuming that everything else is present/aligned/ideal in his actual emotions & intentions. But if he just can't tell me that I'm beautiful or say that he's been thinking about me all day or tell me he misses me or that he's never felt this way about any other woman (or some naughtier/exciting stuff as well) or the hundred other things that women love to hear...will I explode sooner or later that I can express my feelings to him, and he can hardly reciprocate? Will it make me question the strength of his feelings, if he can't *describe them or make them known to me verbally somehow? Will I feel his heart is vaulted up & kept private from me & will that kill me?

Not sure I can live with that. My inclination is to be intimate in every way, even verbally. Especially verbally!! I'm a verbal person.
But he gazes at my face with unmistakable emotion in his eyes when we are affectionate and he feathers tiny kisses all over my face and caresses me lovingly constantly when I'm within arm's reach, and reads my mood every minute and if he suspects I've taken any step away from normal Butterfly bubbliness towards any degree of subduedness or even melancholy, he is immediately & genuinely concerned, and probes for me to tell him my thoughts and seems so willing to do anything in his power to restore my mood back to chipperness, or just listen and let me be melancholic if that's what I seem to want. He seems to enjoy very much my strong personality and tendancy to be in control & seems so happy to sit in the passenger seat next to me, so to speak, on this journey we are on.... He apparently loves going along with any suggestion I come up with (about *anything*), & rather relieved that I have so many, at all times. Passive, almost. But supportive, giving, and solid as a rock in terms of emotional balance.

He's not a wimp, he keeps me on my toes with challenging my assertations in conversation with his sharp intellect (& is sometimes even gently teasing me) and has the calmess & proud posture of a man who is secure in himself & has nothing to prove to anyone. He's not needy or a cuckold. He doesn't need a woman, can be quite content celibate/single, and that is 1000% clear in his every molecule. But our last date lasted 48 hours. We just fit together in easy, relaxed harmony. I know it's an exclusive, rather serious relationship without needing to ask.

But will his reserved, passive, MUM nature start to eat at me? I'm the exact opposite!!!*

Wondering your guys' thoughts.
post #32 of 47
Butterfly, if he's holding and using an ice scraper, you can learn to understand and HEAR his "ice scraper language"... because it is another language... a language of actions, not words. And if you can't learn to hear that language, then you don't really want a man with an ice scraper... because, in my experience, I would say that 99.9999% of ice-scraper-men are not gushy, verbal types. If they were, they wouldn't bother with the ice scraper.
post #33 of 47
Thread Starter 
Ione I love that. Very wise.

Someone asked about our terminology with the ice scraper and it's a euphamism for the kind of man who would secretly set his alarm in winter to sneak to your car and scrape the ice from the windsheild and slip back into bed before she notices anything because he knows if he offered she'd refuse, but she has arthritis and it's hard for her & she has morning errands to run.
i.e. My stepdad, as he lives each day to serve my mom, & vice versa.
post #34 of 47
Love the ice scraper terminology.
post #35 of 47
Butterflymom, yes, I hear you - it does sound like you were a rare case tho! I'm not into using condoms in long term relationships...don't like them and only put up with them while safety is still an issue (ie before both partners tested), but it is interesting what you said about so much of the population being undiagnosed, asymptomatic etc...so I guess I've always been exposing myself unwittingly.

As for the ice scraper thing and your question, Butterflymom...well, I personally as a verbally and physically demonstrative person would find that difficult, what you describe...but it does sound like he's into you... and that's the main thing. Some guys definitely do express their love through actions...and actually my ex was a very 'wordy' guy, very 'romantic', but when it came down to it he treated me with such lack of respect. So that taught me! I do think someone can be an 'ice scraper' AND verbally demonstrative though. I know it's only been 3 weeks and a bit, but so far Musician Guy fulfils both criteria. He's gone out of his way to be helpful with my son and is very aware and perceptive of what I need, AND he's saying some stunning things to me, writing me poetry etc...it's all making me melt really! I feel like I want him around a lot more, (and he seems to feel the same), but I kind of want to eke out this early stage a bit...and not lose my independence. In the past I would have been practically moving in with someone by now though if we clicked
post #36 of 47
Thread Starter 
Eke away, Devaya, eke things out as long as possible. No one ever looks back and says, things are great nowadays but gosh darn it if we would have gotten serious right away things now would be more solid. there's nothing to lose & everything to gain.

Trying to slow down my mental planning as well, with Sweetie Sweeterson.

But goodness beyond gracious..... I haven't seen him in just 48 hours and I'm gagging for it. Just dying of missing him. Part of me wonders if he feels the same way or if he did, I'd never find out I guess.

Poll: how many of y'all agree that there are men out there with both the silver tongue in their mouth *and* the ice scraper in their hand?
How many guys like that could there be out there, if they are??

Devaya apparently found herself a diamond!
post #37 of 47
Wow. This thread has picked up

Ferra, I say hold out for the one you have a heart for to come back from Africa. I am *very* interested to see how this will play out

Butterfly, HOOORAY, for you finding your SS. I think Ione has it right. And I'm not sure how often the silver tongue and the ice scraper go together -- to many men with the silver tongue have developed the sweet words as a way to avoid going the extra step with the ice scraper.

Muse, thank you for your sweet words about why the new gf's feel threatened by me. I feel good about ATG -- he's make a point of emailing me and texting me more often since that converstation (when I told him flat out that I was afraid that his new gf would make him choose between us).

Last weekend I had 2 dates, neither of which sucked, which is amazing to me. The first was with a guy I'll call the Shy Commuter. I was expecting that to be a pretty boring date, actually. Our email exchanges had been pleasant but not terribly thrilling the pic he had sent me was truly bad picture, but didnt' leave me too optimistic about his looks. In reality, he is a bit on the dorky side, but Tall, which is always a plus for me, and our dinner conversation was pleasant, and flowed easily. And he bought us a really nice bottle of wine, paid for dinner...we walked around town and then back to my car -- when he kissed me good night..holy sparks! More details on that will come later, in private, but wow!

I then had a breakfast date on Sunday morning with a guy I'll call the Young Orphan. I had been much more interested in him, before meeting either of them -- he is my age, definitely attractive, etc. I dont' know if it was because I was just reeling from the night before still, but I wasn't nearly as interested in him as I expected to be. But still, we spent all day together -- had breakfast, he offered to help me stack my firewood, so we did that, then went back to town for a late lunch/early dinner at a fun little bar that I like.

So that was last weekend. I was away all week on vacation with my kids, and YO wasn't really on my mind, but SC was. SC and I exchanged some texts and emails during the week, and I saw him again last night. We had a good time, again, and I spent the night at his place this time, but I'm not as thrilled as I'd hoped to be. I think there are maybe just too many huge lifestyle differences.

But, it's fun to feel like I'm back in the game. I'm going to give YO another chance, and I'm not ruling SC out completely, but I don't see any long term potential, unless I see a very different side of him, soon. I've had a few other interesting bites to my online profile over the last few weeks, so I guess I'll respond to those, and see what happens.

Love to you all. I'm sorry I'm not doing a good job responding individually, I'll try to keep up better going forward!
post #38 of 47
Artgirl-Wow, its kinda cool that guy was totally honest with you. Its a big time saver in the end....no worrying about if he is into you or not. Any other prospects?

sugarmoon, YES. I like that your dating life has picked up. You so deserve some tenderness and action.

butterflymom: sounds like things are going well.

I think I need to be updated with icescraper info....

As for me....I have been crazy busy starting a midwifery apprenticship which is helpful in passing time til MO comes home and just reinforces that the future is oh so bright things seem to be falling into place.
post #39 of 47
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by ferra View Post
butterflymom: sounds like things are going well.

I think I need to be updated with icescraper info....

Thanks. They are. SS is a dream come true, i'm pinching myself each day.

as for the icescraper info........ it's a euphamism for the kind of man who would secretly set his alarm in winter to sneak to your car and scrape the ice from the windsheild and slip back into bed before she notices anything because he knows if he offered she'd refuse, but she has arthritis and it's hard for her & she has morning errands to run.
i.e. My stepdad, as he lives each day to serve my mom, & vice versa.

Your new guy is SO HOT!!!!!
post #40 of 47
Well I know I've been hiding for awhile but I'm gonna try to keep up here more. I'm in a dilemma here now but I'll post more in private land. I'll be back when ive got time to read all the thread. Miss u girls!
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