they want whatever they don't have

[richella]

Anyone have any thoughts on how to raise children who enjoy making choices and feeling in control of their lives, but without feeling totally entitled to have everything exactly the way the want it every time?????? I'm really struggling with this, esp in regards to food. Dds are 3 and 5. It's been a busy summer and I don't have time to go to the store (next town over) very often, which means that there have been lots of times when there simply aren't that many choices in the house. I ask them what they want, I give them a couple choices, I give them what they choose, they poke it, complain, ask for whatever leftover I just warmed up for myself, which they wouldn't touch the first time, they want what each other has (yes, sometimes I do trade their plates), they want anything that isn't on their own plate. Throwing away whole plates of food is driving me crazy. I just yelled at them and told them to work it out themselves, which resulted in dd2 compromising and taking something else, just to avoid conflict with dd1, who wanted the same thing. That would be fine I guess if I thought it would go the other way next time, but I don't think it likely will. And of course yelling at them is never okay. I need some practical help, here, I guess. TIA

[NiteNicole]

We all eat the same things, at the same times (more or less). If someone has a request, like if my daughter asks for eggs before I start making oatmeal and I have eggs, that's fine. Otherwise what I make is what we have. I always make things I know everyone will eat, or at least everyone will eat in part. I don't see any reason to offer choices. If someone has a request and they get it in before I've already got something else, that's fine but otherwise...here it is. Enjoy or don't.

The upshot is my kid eats a huge variety of things and we don't have fights about food.

[richella]

Wow, thanks for the quick reply! I like your approach, but I'm not sure I can think of more than one lunch that they would both eat. And it changes so unpredictably. Will think about this more, though.

[AllisonR]

We all eat the same thing. It avoids conflicts.

However, I offer 3 choices. And I put a bit of all 3 choices on their plates. And I make sure there is at least 1 thing for everyone. Sounds complicated, but actually is not. It's really about 3 seconds of planning who likes what, then making the food.

For example, today we had beef, corn on the cob and salad (tomato, lettuce, mushrooms, peppers). Both ate the beef, both ate some corn, DD ate the tomatoes but wouldn't touch the mushrooms, DS at the lettuce but wouldn't touch the tomatoes.

Yesterday we had a vegetable dish with cheese, and DS hates cheese. But we also had steamed artichoke in garlic butter, and DD hates artichoke. So DS ate a ton of artichoke and DD ate a ton of cheese and everyone was happy.

I also found that if I put a tiny amount of everything on their plate, they may deny liking artichoke the first 10 times I put it on their plate, and never taste it. But the 11th time they try it, and then they might decide they like it after all.

[nextcommercial]

I make whatever I want to make. I get choices too.

I obviously don't make things that I know someone hates. But, if I am making a family friendly meal, they can "Eat it or dump it, like it or lump it".

I do make several things for each meal. Veggie, meat, grain and fruit. Plus millk. So, they should be able to appreciate at least one thing on the plate.

[elus0814]

My kids, who are 4 and 5, do the same thing. They aren't happy with any of the food choices we have in the house. My solution is that if they do not want to eat one of the two or three options I have come up with then they can be hungry. We used to offer other options, such as offering a bowl of cereal or crackers if they didn't like what was offered but after lots of bowls of cereal being thrown away we've stopped that. It does take some putting up with whining and crying over being hungry but after a few months they began to be more accepting of foods that were not their first choice. The kids are often told that if they are not hungry enough to eat a banana, roast beef, or whatever then they must not be that hungry.

It becomes a new struggle every time we visit my in-laws too, since grandma will make them anything they want at any time. She often makes them things like chicken nuggets that we don't buy at home. After each 1-2 week visit is a solid month of the kids refusing most all homemade food.

When I was younger I always thought that when I had kids I would make them whatever they wanted to eat and sometimes I do feel guilty about not making them something they really want to eat but I've realized that with three, and soon to be four, kids plus a house and homeschool work needing my attention that I simply cannot be a short order cook and everyone must learn to accept what food is available or deal with being hungry.

[simplemama32]

Maybe at least for snacks, you could pick 2 or 3 (healthy) things you know your kids like most of the time (or have them help you pick, if it won't turn into a huge battle), and put them all in a container somewhere at kid level. Make sure the container is stocked at all times...whatever is in there should be right up there on your grocery list with "basic supplies." Then...those are their choices. And that's it. You could also use it as a backup meal plan if they've refused to eat the last X meals you've put in front of them. ;-)

Sometimes, it's all in how you approach it...if you need to clean all the leftovers out of the fridge for example, call it "tapas night." ;-p Make it fun.

I know how it is to live a long way from the store. Even with lots of planning, I inevitably forget *something* or run out before I can make it back.

[Learning_Mum]

Sometimes kids can have too many choices. I think sometimes we get so caught up in making sure that we give our kids choices it just ends up making them feel a bit insecure.

I used to give my boys choices when it came to meals but found it much easier to just put down what they're eating and we actually don't have any arguements anymore. DS1 moaned and complained the first couple of times and I told him if he didn't like what I gave him he could choosed to leave it and was quite welcome to go get himself something to eat that I didn't have to prepare.

Honestly, I kind of feel like you're doing your kids a disservice to catering in this way. You *can't* always have what you want in life. I think it's better to empathise with them and let them you know that you understand that they're disappointed and that they wanted something different but that it's not going to happen this time.

ETA: Crap! Excuse the typos. I can't be bothered going back to fix them.