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I stood up to a pack rat and lived to tell the tale!

post #1 of 17
8/3/10 at 4:27pm
Thread Starter 
My MIL has a major shopping addiction. She can not pass up anything she thinks she is getting a deal on. It is her most favorite hobby ever... to me that's fine. She can shop all she wants but I've told her so many times that clutter isn't my thing. In fact, I told her that I like to declutter and create clean spaces just as much as she likes to shop. She knows that christmas and other present giving holidays make me nervous.... I thought we had an understanding... she could by DD one thing each time we came to visit and I wouldn't through it away.

Well, guess what happened this past weekend. I arrive and go to the spare room to nurse DD after our car trip. The closet is packed sooo tight with stuff the door won't close and I'm already stressed out just being in there. Then I look up and see about 15 sleepers for DD brand new with tags on them. Mind you she knows that I recently gave away a ton of unused clothes because I keep one bin of clothes per size for DD and that is all. Also, it's the middle of summer and we cosleep... DD wears her nappy to bed. She knows this too.

Then she came out as we were leaving with 4 pairs of winter boots. DD is still crawling. I immediately felt flush and anxious.(rant) Why is it that she can't respect my 'issues' with stuff. She knows that it's a huge deal for me to have too much in my house. She knows how I feel yet she refuses to listen... I couldn't handel it anymore. I've been more than respectful to her need to buy, buy, buy... when is she going to start respecting me! I thought we had a very fair deal!!! (rant)

I finally put my foot down and told her no. She insisted I take them because she only got them for $1.25 a pair and she couldn't return them. She told me to give them to friends and family if I didn't want them. I just said no, that I couldn't use them and that she could give them away to whoever she wanted. I simply couldn't enable her any longer. I knew right than I had to make a stand or else she was going to continue this buying in bulk and it would distroy our relationship... I mean even more than it already is. I know she was angry with me and embarassed because it happened in front of the whole family. Of course everyone chimmed in a bit after they realized I wasn't going to back down like they all do.

I feel so empowered right now. I appologized to DH in the care if I was out of line and he told me he supported me 100% and that he thought I handled it perfectly and that she needed to learn to stop and respect our wishes... so I'm glad he is on my team too.

but I just had to share with all of my like minded sisters here that I stood up to a pack rat and lived to tell the tale!
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post #2 of 17
8/3/10 at 5:18pm
Good for you! It is especially important not to let hoarders/pack rats/compulsive shoppers push their crap off on you and make it your problem to get rid of if you don't want it.

You can't change what they do, but you can keep it from becoming an issue in YOUR life.

I'm sorry she got mad at you. The person in my life who does this to me argues with me when I won't take things, but they do eventually take no for an answer and they don't get angry...your experience sounds pretty unpleasant.
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post #3 of 17
8/3/10 at 5:48pm

Why Not

Why not try to spin things in a more positive direction? Focus on the fact that while you don't need these things other people do. Try to help her channel her hobby in a positive direction.

Point out that it's better for children with no boots to have something warm on their feet than for her granddaughter to have many pairs of boots that won't get worn. Those 15 pairs of sleepers would make lovely Christmas presents for families who can't afford to buy for their kids. Unemployment in the US is currently at 10% isn't it?

I think it's possible to be both firm and kind. I would have told her that you simply can't accept things you don't need when others clearly do need them.

I have often bought practical children's clothing on $1 or $2 clearance specifically to pass it along to somebody who needs it.
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post #4 of 17
8/3/10 at 8:56pm
Thread Starter 
Oh yeah, that is her big thing... she loads me up with piles and piles of crap and says if you don't want it pass it on. But my problem is, I don't want to enable her buying and hoarding any longer. If she wants to buy and give to others she is more than welcome to do so but I'm done being the middle guy. Having bags of stuff around my house to take to St. Vinny's. I hate clutter and excess just as much as she loves it, how come I have to accept her issues and she doesn't have to accept mine, ya know?

That is why I told her if she wanted to pass the boots out to people she knew she should do so. I simply couldn't take them with me anymore.
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post #5 of 17
8/3/10 at 9:47pm
I can understand your frustration if this has been a longterm problem, taking bags of stuff from her that you have to deal with.

Specifically in regards to her shopping for your DD, I think that for many grandparents, they feel included by being able to shop for their grandchildren, and pick out cute clothing etc....perhaps that is what she sees as an expression of love, (and also a way to spend time shopping)....is there a way she can perhaps be made to feel more included in other ways, which may help her a) feel involved with her grandchildren more and b) take her mind off shopping.
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post #6 of 17
8/4/10 at 12:31am
Thread Starter 
I would honestly love it if she would be more present in DD life rather than buying her gifts but she has choosen to take a second job at the mall (for the discounts) and works weekends. We try to plan events with her and time to come and visit and she is always working... She even missed DD's birthday party.

I realize as well that gift giving is her way of showing love. That is why I tried to strike an agreement with her only buying one thing per visit. That is one thing per month about... I feel like that is reasonable because that doesn't include the gifts she buys for Christmas, Birthdays... and every holiday they market for in the mall.

It's frusterating on so many levels. And I'm hoping this little stand will help her realize that I'm serious.
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post #7 of 17
8/4/10 at 3:13am
Aah I see, that makes it really hard. Well hang in there!
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post #8 of 17
8/4/10 at 8:19am

Similar Struggles

Quote:
Originally Posted by Olives View Post
Oh yeah, that is her big thing... she loads me up with piles and piles of crap and says if you don't want it pass it on. But my problem is, I don't want to enable her buying and hoarding any longer. If she wants to buy and give to others she is more than welcome to do so but I'm done being the middle guy. Having bags of stuff around my house to take to St. Vinny's. I hate clutter and excess just as much as she loves it, how come I have to accept her issues and she doesn't have to accept mine, ya know?

That is why I told her if she wanted to pass the boots out to people she knew she should do so. I simply couldn't take them with me anymore.
We have very similar, though not identical, issues with some of our family too. I understand that it's extremely frustrating. It makes me angry as well. I've been told to "just throw it in the garbage" which seriously rubs me the wrong way.

What I've recognized however, is that this sort of behaviour comes from something deeper. True hoarders, pack rats and shop-a-lics don't just stop because somebody finally got angry at them. The excessive givers that we're dealing with don't have a diagnosable psychology problem, but they are emotionally motivated. I try very hard to remember that, and regret some of the times when I was not as sensitive as I could have been (mostly before I figured this out).

I'm not suggesting that you let your MIL fill your house with things you don't need or want. I'm only suggesting that you frame your responses in the most positive way possible. It struck a chord with me when you commented that your MIL was embarrassed by what happened. It doesn't sound like she's actively trying to disrespect you, or that she has any malicious intent. Since the 15 pairs of sleepers were still in the closet it would seem that she is trying to honour your wishes, but is struggling with her own issues at the same time.

If your MIL has a diagnosable problem, or if she is entirely emotionally motivated, being critical of her or angry with her is likely to damage your relationship with her but not put a stop the shopping. You might want to consider the "it's not you it's me" approach. Stand your ground, the stuff outside of your agreement stays in her house, but because you can't take things others need, you don't have space, you don't have time, etc.

Honestly, it sounds like your MIL has a talent for finding deals. She could do a lot of good working filling backpacks to donate for back to school, boxes at Christmas, etc. Telling her you noticed the sleeper in the closet, and mentioning that a particular women's shelter is in desperate need of baby clothes, might keep them out of your house and give her a chance to save face a little.
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post #9 of 17
8/4/10 at 10:21am
Good for you! I'm so proud of you!

It's hard to set boundaries. Rather, it's hard to enforce boundaries. But you did it and now you get to see how good it feels!

Stay strong, Mama! No child needs four pairs of boots. Or twelve sleepers. And you don't need the stress of dealing with the extra stuff.

You have inspired me!
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post #10 of 17
8/4/10 at 11:11am
Quote:
Originally Posted by clutterwarrior View Post
I can understand your frustration if this has been a longterm problem, taking bags of stuff from her that you have to deal with.

Specifically in regards to her shopping for your DD, I think that for many grandparents, they feel included by being able to shop for their grandchildren, and pick out cute clothing etc....perhaps that is what she sees as an expression of love, (and also a way to spend time shopping)....is there a way she can perhaps be made to feel more included in other ways, which may help her a) feel involved with her grandchildren more and b) take her mind off shopping.
Peter Walsh addresses this issue in "It's All Too Much." He talks about encouraging grandparents to share experiences with their grandkids rather than just buying them stuff. Your dd is little but if Grandma starts now, she can have many things ready for when dd can appreciate them...like saving up for a trip or crafts to make and things to cook....maybe she could start an idea book of things she wants to do when dd gets older.
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post #11 of 17
8/4/10 at 11:17am
Just wanted to add...Oprah this Thursday and Friday is going to rerun a show about a hoarder that was on a few years ago. One of the problems with the woman in the show was that she also collected many many gifts for her grown children and grandchildren and others that she never gave them because they were buried in her house. Peter Walsh was on and was trying to help the woman see that her grandchildren could never come to see her because her house was so full of stuff. If there is any way you can try to get your mil to watch the show Thursday and Friday it might really help her see how bad it can get! Just be careful how you say it, you dont want to offend her. Maybe just say something like how inspiring the shows look to YOU. Maybe you can watch together.....
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post #12 of 17
8/4/10 at 11:27am
Thread Starter 
After a few days of contemplation I have started to re-evaluate our relationship and am trying to be more gentle with my feelings for her. I agree that it is very emotional with my MIL and she isn't trying to get under my skin. I spoke with my husband last evening and told him I was feeling guilt about making her feel judged in front of everyone... he told me that he still thought I did the right thing. We had a bag full of sleepers, she had bought me 7 dresses to wear to the wedding we were attending the night before... I never mentioned needing a dress to her and had one of my own and the boots were the icing on the cake.

Admittedly we have a rocky relationship on top of the buying/hoarding behavior and my nerves were worn when the boots came into play. I guess if I felt more supported in our parenting choices I'd be more accepting of her need to buy. Like how she constantly asks about nursing, complains about our bed sharing, and gets upset about us not using a play pen and jumper thing.... oh and shoving food in my DD's mouth the evening before when my head was turned because she doesn't believe me about DD not liking the mashed potato's... heck she doesn't believe me about much... so it's hard for me to completely deal with her in a rational way all the time.

I guess after thinking about it more, it's about respect. Gosh this was supposed to be a fun and empowering thread, sorry for getting all deep and weapy!
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post #13 of 17
8/4/10 at 11:31am
I still think you rock.
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post #14 of 17
8/4/10 at 11:33am
Thread Starter 
Thanks VillageMom6!
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post #15 of 17
8/4/10 at 1:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Olives View Post
Admittedly we have a rocky relationship on top of the buying/hoarding behavior and my nerves were worn when the boots came into play. I guess if I felt more supported in our parenting choices I'd be more accepting of her need to buy. Like how she constantly asks about nursing, complains about our bed sharing, and gets upset about us not using a play pen and jumper thing.... oh and shoving food in my DD's mouth the evening before when my head was turned because she doesn't believe me about DD not liking the mashed potato's... heck she doesn't believe me about much... so it's hard for me to completely deal with her in a rational way all the time.

I guess after thinking about it more, it's about respect. Gosh this was supposed to be a fun and empowering thread, sorry for getting all deep and weapy!
I agree that things like this are often more about boundaries and respect than the clutter. Which sort of makes sense because the hoarder's issues are not really about the clutter, either- they're about anxiety and insecurity, which often contribute to not being able to respect boundaries with others.

Bottom line, it's up to her to deal with her issues AND her clutter, and you have to protect yourself in whatever way is best for you and not focus on the objects in question, but the emotional impact of the transaction.
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post #16 of 17
8/4/10 at 2:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChetMC View Post
I'm not suggesting that you let your MIL fill your house with things you don't need or want. I'm only suggesting that you frame your responses in the most positive way possible.
I have to disagree with you a bit here. If I had a friend who was an alcoholic, and he kept offering me drinks that I didn't want so that he had someone to drink with, I wouldn't refuse in the most positive way possible. I wouldn't scream, but I'd refuse with a cool, "No, thank you" with no effort to be extra nice. And if he kept pushing, it could get to the point of, "Jim, you can't seem to respect my refusal today, so I'm going to need to leave."

I know that I can't fix someone's addiction, and I wouldn't go out of my way to lecture him, but I would be unwilling to help him use me to make his drinking feel more "normal". That would feel like enabling.

And that's what this feels like. This woman is addicted to shopping and/or hoarding, and a positive response is likely to help her feel that her behavior is normal and that her purchases are useful and necessary. A cool response won't fix her, but a warm, grateful, helpful one, or even one that helped her solve the problem of what to do with her stuff (charities, etc.), would feel like enabling, and I wouldn't be willing to do that. I would coolly refuse, and if she couldn't accept that, I would eventually leave the situation.

Crayfish
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post #17 of 17
8/4/10 at 7:59pm
In our family, when an issue comes to a head, we have a 'round table' conference, to let everyone talk about it openly.

I am wondering if this may be helpful in your case, as your DH is supportive of you this would make it less scary? It would give you a chance to sit down with MIL and raise the issues, and discuss them one by one. Instead of letting bad feelings fester, it would be a chance to work through things and make progress.
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