Crazy ex-advice needed!

[knitterma]

Hi all,
I could use some advice. I'm not sure what to do. I've been divorced almost 3 years. My ex is pretty crazy. He's threatened me in the past and tries to control me through the kids. I try to avoid him as much as possible and not engage too much with him because he becomes paranoid and irrational easily. Of course I worry about my kids when they are with him. But he has never threatened to hurt them and they love him very much and tell me they want to spend time with him. He has periods where he seems somewhat normal and calm, and then something triggers him to become paranoid and irrational. Today I am picking up the kids from his house after work. My dad is also flying in from out of state today to visit with the kids. My ex called and said "your dad better not be with you in the car when you pick the kids up". When I said that he is visiting and will probably be with me in car, he became unhinged. I realized he was becoming irrational so I told him I was done having the conversation with him and would be hanging up the phone. He called me back 10x. I didn't answer the phone because I didn't feel like we would have a productive conversation, which I had already told him.
After the 10th call I decided to answer it. He said he was punishing one of our children(made him go to his room and stay there) because I wouldn't talk to him. What can I do about this? I don't even know where to go. I'm not sure he should be around the kids at all anymore but don't I have to have proof that they aren't safe around him? My friend told me I should call the police, but that seems like overkill. I realize this is extremely rambling, but any advice would be appreciated.

[Halfasianmomma]

This is abuse and IMO you should be calling around to find some support and resources for yourself. Have you tried calling the National Domestic Abuse hotline? I know you are already divorced, but they still may be able to provide you with some counselling....Also, a call to the NON-emergency number of the police can be very enlightening. Getting information is never overkill. It's "just enough kill".

I'd start documenting all this and I'd be speaking to a lawyer if I were you. Perhaps it's time to modify your existing visitation agreement...

FTR, I had/have a crazy ex, and usually when you involve the authorities, they back WAY down. It's hard to be a bully when you're being watched.

[knitterma]

thank you for your advice. I started documenting what he says today. I can't really afford to see a lawyer though.

[PoppyMama]

Would he ever say that stuff via text and not in person? You might want to check if it's legal to tape conversations when only one party knows they're being taped. It's fine in some states and not in others. A statement like that should sink him if you could get an actual record.

[pamela3340]

Knitterma,

I dont' know what your current marital status is with him (divorced, never married), but does he have any court ordered visitation?? Sounds like he needs a psych eval if you have any court involvement. I bet he presents really well too, and probably would be able to fool his way out of an eval anyways.

He sounds just like my ex/kids' dad. He is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I always thought he was bi-polar because he was rageful and paranoid (that I was cheating, that I was treating people off the street better than him)...we went to couples counseling..he did individual..they were never able to pinpoint it...until he started threatening suicide..and each time he did that, i called the cops and they sent him to the psych ward for a 72 hour hiatus..and finally he came out with the diagnosis....i even "advocated" for him by handling his FMLA paperwork so I could get the diagnosis stuff, which I will be using in court.

He def. sounds like a mental health case...and something I found helpful was a book called "Walking on Eggshells", its about Borderline Personality Disorder ...even if he doesn't have it, he presents alot of BPD symptoms, which it tells you how to deal with those behaviors...he is attention seeking. Alot of therapists and pychs don't like to diagnose BPD, so he probably won't get that diagnosis..but at least the book can help you dealing with his attention seeking behaviors.

I also got proof of the phone calls (I would get calls 50 times a day from him) and managed to tape record threatining voice mails...and then I went to my local Domestic Relation court and got a temproary restraining order...and now he agreed on a Civil Protection Order for one year, no contact (he did have a prior DV charge from a past incident, so that only helped my case). I HATED having to do it, but I had to, I could not deal with my life being controlled by him, and living in constant chaos...even though he was out of the picture.

I dont' know where you live, but call your local bar association, they may be able to refer you to low cost/sliding fee/ pro bono (Free) services. ALso, google "Children's Rights Council" and they have local chapters to help you find an attorney for you..and alot of them are pro-bono/affordable..good luck, PM me if you have any questions!

[knitterma]

thank you for your advice everyone. i really appreciate the support. i often feel very alone in dealing with my ex. when i went to pick up the kids from his house on tuesday, he was extremely agitated that i had my dad in the car so he opened the passenger side door, ranted at my dad for a few minutes, threw all my cds that i had in my car all over the car, then wouldn't close the door and let us go. he said he would break the car door before he would let me go. i felt like i was forced to call 911 in that situation, although i felt like the 911 operator thought i was being frivolous. he eventually decided to go back in his house and because i had the kids with me and they were somewhat upset, i decided to leave before the police came(we waited 10 minutes). maybe that was a mistake, i don't know. anyway, the police came and talked with my ex. they told him i can bring anyone i want in my car with me when i pick up the kids. apparently this was news to my ex. he said he now wants to meet me someplace like starbucks to do the pickup, which is fine with me.
Pamela, I was married to him for 10 years, but we've been divorced for 3. He used to threaten suicide when i was married to him 1-2 times a year. i wish now i had called the police about it. maybe he would have gotten help then.

[hillymum]

Sounds like you need to find out where you stand on recording your interactions with xh and you need a restraining order (I record all interactions with sbx using a $35 dictaphone recorder) and we have a mutual restraining order saying we have to remain 500 feet away from each other, no phone contact (all contact restricted to be about the children and to be done via email/text) and the children are to walk from the house to car /car to house with no parental interaction at collection and drop off. Are your child(ren) old enough to do that?

[Halfasianmomma]

wow mama, how scary for you and your DC (not to mention your poor dad).

Regarding getting a lawyer, can you see what sort of legal aid you could get in your area? If you're receiving social aid, you may be eligible for legal aid as well. Also, if you keep documenting your crazy ex's behaviour, you may be able to file for a temporary restraining order and get the ball rolling that way.

Way to go on having him agree to a public place for an exchange. Have you considered proposing that the children be exchanged in front of a police station? That way, the cops are close by if ever he gets out of hand again...it may also simply deter him from acting out.

[mum2be]

wow. this sounds so familiar. i also believe my ex has BPD, and it's difficult to diagnose. I feel so alone in dealing with him and his craziness....
glad to find others one here. i wonder if there are more?

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by mum2be

wow. this sounds so familiar. i also believe my ex has BPD, and it's difficult to diagnose. I feel so alone in dealing with him and his craziness....
glad to find others one here. i wonder if there are more?

Yeah, I was going to say, it sounds very possible that the your ex has borderline personality disorder. Are you already familiar with that? My ex, not DS's dad but another ex, had BPD. For me, understanding his disorder made it easier for me to understand why my ex acted the way he did, and ultimately easier for me to leave him.
You've gotten some good advice about logistics. I think the key to surviving a break-up with a borderline is to cultivate rock solid boundaries and don't emotionally engage at all. It's really hard when there's shared custody of the kids involved. How old are they? I would definitely start documenting, and if his behavior becomes erratic enough, you might consider trying to get only supervised visitation.

[Jyotsna]

I meet the kids dad at the local police precinct, and it does NOT deter his behaviour. Even INSIDE! But exchanging them inside, I have the police there should he do anything at all.