"Clocking Out"

[2lilsweetfoxes]

For those of you with SAHPs, do you find that as soon as you get home, your partner/husband/wife/SO/whatever feels that they are now "off" and it is your turn to take over with the kids? Or when you have a day off or need to go into work late, then they can just sit back, watch TV, play on the computer, whatever while you handle the children, get yourself ready, and everything. And then you come home to a house that needs cleaning, a kitchen that needs cleaning before dinner can be prepared, and laundry overflowing? And I want a chance to play Warcraft, also...

I know, he's had to deal with the kids all day. And he declared the first floor his territory for cleaning, but I swear I may just take it back if he does not actually start cleaning. He will let the kitchen sit for days, then when I clean it, he's all "oh, I was just getting to that".

[sanguine_speed]

That sounds kinda like me as the SAHP .
Don't care what he does all day, it's NOT harder than looking after our children, and when he walks in the door, I'm handing the kids over. I probably also wasn't able to clean to any kind of standard. And if he has a day off, hell yes I get part of that day off too.
I frequent the WSP forum because I'm normally a combination of stay at home and work out of home. Right now we have a baby so I'm mostly stay at home at the moment.
However, when I do hand the kids over, it's to pick up the slack on the other things: cooking, cleaning. It's not that I outright abandon everyone .

[Carita]

maybe you can negotiate 1 hr, right after you get home or after dinner as off time, then after that you work together? when i come home, I just want to spend time with the kids, and its only after they are in bed or the weekend that i think about chores.

i am a sympathetic parent since i've had a turn at most roles, and i could never keep the house clean and chores done while a SAHM, unless I left the house all day, it was usually dirtier than when i left!

[provocativa]

Yeah, there are many different systems to make this work. You can do a 'parent on duty' designation, and alternate that. Make it fun and have a baton to hand off. Whomever has the least stressful job gets the first break. It doesn't have to mean that one of the parents is sequestered away, just that one is the designated snack getter, fight arbiter, and bathroom helper.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Maybe it is WOHM-guilt (kids are off for summer and we had to cancel vacation due to finances), and grass is greener syndrome, but it seems that when I took leave and DH went to his brother's wedding a couple years back, so I got to play SAHM for a week, I got so much accomplished. But, yeah, 2 of my kids were at school all day and one was in utero. But, having last night's dishes and the breakfast dishes still in the sink?

[sanguine_speed]

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed

That sounds kinda like me as the SAHP .
Don't care what he does all day, it's NOT harder than looking after our children, and when he walks in the door, I'm handing the kids over. I probably also wasn't able to clean to any kind of standard. And if he has a day off, hell yes I get part of that day off too.
I frequent the WSP forum because I'm normally a combination of stay at home and work out of home. Right now we have a baby so I'm mostly stay at home at the moment.

NOT to start a debate, but I've done SAH and WOH - and what I do at work is much, much, much more difficult, tiring and demanding than staying home with the kids. Staying home = vacation time for me.

(I'm a trauma/emerg nurse)

Having said that, there's no way I'd walk in from work to a disaster, only to be handed the kids and told 'I'm off duty now' - nooooo way. Not how it works around here - for either of us.

Coming home means we tag team until the kids are down for the night, or spelling each other off in equal increments. I don't think it's fair at all for a the SAH parent to claim 'I've been with the kids all day - now it's your turn'

If you need a breather as as soon as I come in - I don't mind giving five or ten minutes to yourself - but I just spent twelve (or however many) hours on my feet, running, etc. I'm just as tired.

I really think it has to be balanced. If one person had a particularly stressful/hard/long day, it would be nice for their partner to be there. If you BOTH had that kind of day - time to pull together.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

NOT to start a debate, but I've done SAH and WOH - and what I do at work is much, much, much more difficult, tiring and demanding than staying home with the kids. Staying home = vacation time for me.

(I'm a trauma/emerg nurse)

Having said that, there's no way I'd walk in from work to a disaster, only to be handed the kids and told 'I'm off duty now' - nooooo way. Not how it works around here - for either of us.

Coming home means we tag team until the kids are down for the night, or spelling each other off in equal increments. I don't think it's fair at all for a the SAH parent to claim 'I've been with the kids all day - now it's your turn'

If you need a breather as as soon as I come in - I don't mind giving five or ten minutes to yourself - but I just spent twelve (or however many) hours on my feet, running, etc. I'm just as tired.

I really think it has to be balanced. If one person had a particularly stressful/hard/long day, it would be nice for their partner to be there. If you BOTH had that kind of day - time to pull together.

That. My dh doesn't sah, but he works much less than I do. It's very frustrating to walk in after a long day at work to a big mess and whiny kids.

[_ktg_]

Yes DH gets to clock out, but we've neogiated that I at least get to change out of my work clothes first and then into home/play clothes before taking on the kiddos. So that's my breather and adjustment period from home to work.

If I need something and DH is "clocked out" per se, I just have to holler and he'll do it. We also try to have set days for certain chores - laundry (monday)

We tag team and trade off for a lot, for instance I'll cook dinner, we'll eat and then he does bath while I pick up plates, rinse, stack and try to put away the leftovers. Once bath is done - I'll take the boys for bedtime and DH should finish the kitchen otherwise it has to be dealt with in the morning. We're finding it works better at night with trade offs and then after bedtime we can both relax.

[Fujiko]

I sound like your dp, OP, with the exception that I try not to "hand off" the kids when he comes home, I try to give him some time to himself.

Except right now, I'm going thru some...mental health problems? (I don't know how else to describe it...) and the dishes are not done, the house is a mess, laundry is half done. DP is going through some difficult times at work (he is working a bit of overtime lately, and if it matters, he has a desk job, not physically demanding) and I'm trying not to bother him with the children or my needs. But I just don't have the personal resources to be the wife/mother I wish I was.

I feel sad because my husband probably could have written your post, and I wonder if that's what he feels...

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Fujiko

I sound like your dp, OP, with the exception that I try not to "hand off" the kids when he comes home, I try to give him some time to himself.

Except right now, I'm going thru some...mental health problems? (I don't know how else to describe it...) and the dishes are not done, the house is a mess, laundry is half done. DP is going through some difficult times at work (he is working a bit of overtime lately, and if it matters, he has a desk job, not physically demanding) and I'm trying not to bother him with the children or my needs. But I just don't have the personal resources to be the wife/mother I wish I was.

I feel sad because my husband probably could have written your post, and I wonder if that's what he feels...

I think that's a different situation mama, if you're not well.

And ftr, mess does not bother me. I know how the house falls apart when you're home with little ones - it's the idea that you're (the woh parent) suddenly on full duty the moment you walk through the door - while the other parent departs and is off duty. I have zero problem with working together to manage the chaos...

[_ktg_]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

... with working together to manage the chaos...

Ceinwen - I love this quote because really that's what it is everyday - just managing chaos together

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I think it depends on what the WOH parent does. If the WOH parent has the kind of job where they get to take a coffee break or a lunch break and maybe answer personal emails during the day then yeah I can see the SAH parent wanting to be off duty right away/soon and completely off duty. Because when I am home with ds all day, i don't get to pee alone, I don't get to talk to a friend/coworker while eating lunch or take 10 mins to drink a cup of coffee without someone touching me.

I know a lot of folks who WOH and work hard and are deligent to their carreers, but also get to go on Facebook once in a while during the day (or even to benefit their work for real) and can take 10 mins to do some personal emailing or buy a present online.

DP WOH full time, I go to school full time during the school year (but not everyday so I am usually home with ds a couple days a week) and DP is a general contractor, but he gets to eat lunch, he often has to drive to get materials (so he is having some time to think in the car while I often can't even get 2 mins to rub together because ds talks all the time!), and if he wants to sit and rest with no one bugging him for a few minutes he can. So yeah I am pretty much like, "take a shower and now its your turn!" (Hell I get pissy that he gets to come home and take a shower, because I don't get to do that during the day!)

[confustication]

I know that I hate walking in the door to a disaster area. My partner is getting a little better about some things, but he really isn't good at multitasking so the lion's share of the deep cleaning etc fall to me (I'm usually the wohp, though on a medical leave right now.)

In all honesty however, if I am the one home with the kids

dishes are done as they are used
tidying is done several times throughout the day
laundry is washed as needed- though I occasionally fall behind with folding
the kids are engaged a little more (he's gotten MUCH better at this though!)
floors are clear at all times
meals are prepped and ready at predictable times

and if he's been out, I think about what time he will be home, and try to adjust things so that he walks in the door to a sense of calm. I feel like that is what a SAHP 'should' do- barring extenuating circumstances.

It makes me crazy to walk in and have to play catch up on things that weren't done throughout the day, because, imo, there really isn't a good reason not to do them. I don't mind walking in and stepping straight into Mom role, but I do resent walking in to expectations of Supermom and having to pick up the SAHP's slack.

FWIW- I am the 'better' SAHP in our family- it's just a more natural and comfortable role for me, but where we are now, my income is necessary and exceeds his. We are relocating so that he will be the WOHP as he is better at that role. I think you really have to decide what works best in your family and make that happen.

[SilverFish]

Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber

I think it depends on what the WOH parent does. If the WOH parent has the kind of job where they get to take a coffee break or a lunch break and maybe answer personal emails during the day then yeah I can see the SAH parent wanting to be off duty right away/soon and completely off duty. Because when I am home with ds all day, i don't get to pee alone, I don't get to talk to a friend/coworker while eating lunch or take 10 mins to drink a cup of coffee without someone touching me.

I totally agree with this. maybe it really does depend on what kind of job the WOH parent has, but my DH has a cushy desk job... he can take a long enough lunch break to get a 10-15 km run in, for goodness sake... he has time to play around on facebook, and can walk (by himself! or with a buddy!) to get a cup of coffee. there are some days that are harder than others, obviously... he has crazy crunch time, but i have days that are harder than others too... some days i get time to sit at my computer for a while and make lunch and eat it while it's still hot, other days it's a terrible blur of sleep deprivation and constant crying.

that said, neither of us "clocks out" until the immediate work of the day is done. but he certainly does not get to criticize what i didn't manage to get done on any given day. we do tend to switch tasks though... he gets the baby, and i do things like make dinner or run errands.

it sounds like you need to renegotiate the break-down of tasks. i do feel that the person who was out of the home and dealing with adults and more or less in control of their own personal space all day does need to take the kids in the evening. but the person who was home needs to take advantage of child-free time to get some cleaning, cooking, tidying and errands done. once the basics have been taken care of, the remaining time needs to be split pretty evenly. i think it's also important to take each partner's account of their day seriously. if my husband comes home and i give him a look of desperation and hand him the baby and run away, he needs to take it seriously and not give me grief about the laundry not getting done. if he's had a long or frustrating day at work, i do my best to have something ready for him to eat and don't get annoyed when he wants to play a video game for a while in the evening, even though there are other things to be done.

[sanguine_speed]

[sanguine_speed]

[confustication]

My youngest is high needs, his older brother is a piece of cake (but in speech, OT and PT as he is special needs) and my oldest has Aspergers- and is very intense.

I totally understand, but for me, having the house disorganized and things not 'done' is a huge trigger for me (PTSD as a result of a terrible/abusive past relationship.) So, it's non-negotiable- in order for me to be sane and healthy enough to be a good parent, things have to be done even when the baby is fussy. Usually that means he gets worn (for me). My DH hasn't mastered the ability to accomplish things while babywearing, which is why they often fall to me when I get home. It's a point of contention, and I work on leting go of those expectations, but since he can't meet them, he needs to become the 'breadwinner' because I can do them, and I enjoy them in a way that he does not.

(We both prefer that I be home and he work, but his earning potential where we live isn't enough to facilitate that.)

[akind1]

I WOH 2 days, WAH 3 days a week. the 2 days I am in the office, DH has the baby, and *might* get some tidying or dishes done. Mostly he and the baby interact and nap. When I get home, I take the baby; 1) I miss him! and 2) he probably wants to nurse and 3) I gave DH the choice of cooking or baby duty. Usually he chooses cooking, although DS can now play with tupperware while I am in the kitchen, so sometimes I do both.

The days I WAH, I don't get to interact with DS much, he plays on the floor near my desk. (unless he is nursing or napping) DH only takes over if I need his help with getting DS to nap, or DS is particularly clingy. Mostly the days I WAH are DH's to sleep in and focus on housework that didn't get done the days he had the baby full time.

You find what works for you, though. Unless I am at work (as in, OH) I am the primary baby care-giver. but that is mostly because I am the food. and I enjoy being the primary baby care-giver anyway. I figure, it might happen one day that DS prefers DH over me, and I will enjoy these days while they last!

[sanguine_speed]