"Clocking Out" - Page 2

[Igraine]

I work full-time for a child mental health program and my job is very stressful and takes a lot of emotional energy. Sometimes I have to zone out a bit when I first get home because of a particularly bad day. My kids usually can sense that and we will have some quiet time together reading or cuddling on the couch.

My dh is a SAP, but we do more of a "dial down" instead of passing the duties onto me immediately when I walk in the door. We split the duties mostly. He initially will take a half hour or so to do something he has been trying to do all day for himself. I tend to do some "10 second tidy" work with the kids, get them to help me with a few things and then dh starts dinner. My expectations are higher than my dh's in terms of how picked up the house is. So we agree that we have different perspectives, I pick up because I feel the need to do so and sometimes it helps me transition out of work mode.

Like many of the other posters, I believe it takes good communication, balance and respect. And it takes time and energy to do those things especially when you have young children! We all have our own perspectives and some things are not worth fighting over. Not to say that if I walk in the house and step on a lego with bare feet and trip over someone's bike I don't lose it once in a while!

Best of luck to you!

[treeoflife3]

I have the opposite problem where my WOHP assumes that when he gets home, HE is off and doesn't have to do anything at home, thus leaving my job 24/7. He also gets annoyed/mad when he comes home to a less than perfect house as well as gets annoyed when I ask him to do things on the weekend because 'I had a hard week at work and I need a break!'

I think its important for ANY family, no matter the dynamics of in home and out of home working/parenting, to have a conversation on expectations. I expect, for instance, that when my WOHP gets home we go to 50/50 for in house work (as in, we work together to do chores that NEED to wait til night time to get done as well as work together to do child things.) I'll make dinner but I expect that he helps with some of the clean up, or if kiddo is fussy, helps entertain her so I can do it quickly without her underfoot. I expect him to be involved in some part of the bedtime routine (he does story time and I do pajamas/diapers/nursing to sleep) and I expect him to help clean up her toys a couple times a week.

We've talked about that and its gotten much better with him completely clocking out when he gets home leaving me to take care of what feels like TWO kids alone. I would never make him come home to do the home job completely alone but I expect the same respect.

I also think it is important to have an open mind about there being bad days or weeks where things just DON'T get done and the SAHP needs extra help or even some vacation time to decompress (DH takes our kiddo for an hour or two on the weekend usually so I can either get things done without her or nap or whatever I want. He also often comes home and gets about 30min to himself most days before starting his job as a partner and a parent.)

No partner should have to do more than their fair share (and every partnering has their own idea of what 'fair share' means. I know families who DON'T do 50/50 and it is perfect for them) but it is important to communicate expectations and feelings to make it work. It is important to understand what exactly your job entails or you'll fail and your coworkers won't be too pleased with you.

[Quinalla]

However you decide to work it, figure out what each of you needs and find a way to meet everyone's needs as best you can. I know when I was on maternity leave, some days when she was fussy and clingy most/all of the day, I really needed to hand her to DH immediately when he got home, just for 5 minutes of alone time for me, but otherwise I tried to give him at least 15 minutes of breathing room to come home and relax a bit first since his personality really needs some time to adjust to being at home. With us both working, we are both "on duty" or giving each other pretty even breaks until she is asleep and I think that it's best to divide up the childcare pretty evenly in that after work time whether there is a SAHP or not.

And yeah, anything that isn't critical housework wise doesn't happen in the evenings, it gets put off to after bed or the weekends.

[One_Girl]

I was really horrible about cleaning, cooking, and laundry when I was staying home and taking care of dd for the last six months and when I was a SAHM. I was so drained from kid stuff that I had no ambition for anything except mindless stuff by the end of the day. Now that I am working again I am actually more on top of things and spending more quality time with my dd without feeling drained. Maybe your dh is really drained and needs a long stretch of time or a change in the situation and expectations to feel valued and energized. He may be very overwhelmed and checking out because he needs to. I am lucky that as a single parent I can just check out from time to time and I don't have anyone complaining about my standards for the house and meals being different from theirs. It was very hard when I was married and staying at home to have to argue about the house, have the complete lack of care for my feelings and state of being, and to have to deal with just not being able to get anytime.

I have done both working and not working and I think the drain that comes from not working is worse than working any day. When I work I get breaks during the day, I don't have to always be on call, and I get adult interaction and stimulation. At home I get none of that and I am always on call for someone, there is always something to do.