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DSS Mom wants my vet records - Page 3

post #41 of 60
I'd get your dp to tell that whole story to his ex. Then she can like it or lump it. It was your dss who brought MRSA into the household, since he had it before he ever laid eyes on you and your dogs.

Without fighting, your dp should just stick to those facts. I would not separate the dogs from dss unless you and dp, based on some info you have not shared here, think it's a good idea.
post #42 of 60
Biomom is probably being controlling and extreme. Then again when I'm worried about my childrens health and well being I tend to be a bit over the top controlling, extreme, demanding, obnoxious, overbearing and paranoid. Sometimes you act irrationally when you are concerned about your kids. Ok so I didn't have a dangerous staph infection running rampant but we did have the dreaded lice a few years ago and let me tell you it got more than ugly. Like dh's ex wanted to check our heads and our other children's heads before dropping off the kids and we sent the kids with their own pillows and sleeping bags to her house. Yet we kept passing it back and forth for almost a year. We fought like cats and dogs, pointed fingers, and many other family issues caused by it. In the end we discovered that one of the dsd#2's friends had been having the same issue with lice for a year. They would sleep at each others house and pass it back and forth to one another and of course back and forth throughout both our households. And of course neither of the girls families said anything to the other for fear of embarrassment.
post #43 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by htcamommy View Post
Biomom is probably being controlling and extreme. Then again when I'm worried about my childrens health and well being I tend to be a bit over the top controlling, extreme, demanding, obnoxious, overbearing and paranoid. Sometimes you act irrationally when you are concerned about your kids. Ok so I didn't have a dangerous staph infection running rampant but we did have the dreaded lice a few years ago and let me tell you it got more than ugly. Like dh's ex wanted to check our heads and our other children's heads before dropping off the kids and we sent the kids with their own pillows and sleeping bags to her house. Yet we kept passing it back and forth for almost a year. We fought like cats and dogs, pointed fingers, and many other family issues caused by it. In the end we discovered that one of the dsd#2's friends had been having the same issue with lice for a year. They would sleep at each others house and pass it back and forth to one another and of course back and forth throughout both our households. And of course neither of the girls families said anything to the other for fear of embarrassment.
I don't think MOM can be too controlling or extreme about something like MRSA...and really, asking to see vet records is extreme and controlling? She isn't asking for the step mom's medical records.
post #44 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
I don't think MOM can be too controlling or extreme about something like MRSA...and really, asking to see vet records is extreme and controlling?
I think that it is. She can't just take their word for it? They can't just have a conversation about it like adults? And this is aside from the fact that the records are not even going to tell her anything since the OP can't afford to have the dogs tested, making the records useless to solving the problem.

Another interesting thing about the records is that not everyone actually keeps records at their home. If I had to give someone my dog's records, I would have to physically go to the vet, and they would probably charge me to print out the whole file. If vets charge like doctor's offices do, that could run fifty bucks right there. For a bunch of paper that isn't going to tell anyone anything!
post #45 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I think that it is. She can't just take their word for it? They can't just have a conversation about it like adults? And this is aside from the fact that the records are not even going to tell her anything since the OP can't afford to have the dogs tested, making the records useless to solving the problem.

Another interesting thing about the records is that not everyone actually keeps records at their home. If I had to give someone my dog's records, I would have to physically go to the vet, and they would probably charge me to print out the whole file. If vets charge like doctor's offices do, that could run fifty bucks right there. For a bunch of paper that isn't going to tell anyone anything!
Instead of even having her dp talk to mom about it and get to the bottom of what she thought the records would tell her they just assumed she was being controlling and extreme. Mom is not an expert, she was probably told by a doc that dogs could carry MRSA and to check the dogs not knowing it wouldn't be on their records. There is absolutely nothing she could gain from the vet records, its the most ridiculous thing I think I have heard here in a while. Oh, and vets don't charge for records, they will happily give you a copy or fax them anywhere you ask them to.
post #46 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
There is absolutely nothing she could gain from the vet records, its the most ridiculous thing I think I have heard here in a while.
I agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
Oh, and vets don't charge for records, they will happily give you a copy or fax them anywhere you ask them to.
That completely depends upon the vet. Some do and some don't.
post #47 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I think that it is. She can't just take their word for it? They can't just have a conversation about it like adults? And this is aside from the fact that the records are not even going to tell her anything since the OP can't afford to have the dogs tested, making the records useless to solving the problem.

Another interesting thing about the records is that not everyone actually keeps records at their home. If I had to give someone my dog's records, I would have to physically go to the vet, and they would probably charge me to print out the whole file. If vets charge like doctor's offices do, that could run fifty bucks right there. For a bunch of paper that isn't going to tell anyone anything!
While I agree with the premise of the seriousness of the health issue (and am a custodial mother whose ex has visitation) I agree with pink that it's a bit over the top. Personally, as I previously stated, I would be insulted if someone didn't take my word for something. Why would I (or the op in this case) lie?

Also, my vet keeps all the records for my two pets, and it would cost me time and money to get records.

My ex takes my word for things, as I do for him. If one of us doubted the truthfulness of the other, we would pursue it further in conversation, explain why we felt the way we did.
post #48 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by leilamom View Post
Ok, I will try to make this brief. DP and I live together. We have 2 dogs and a cat (that are technically mine). DSS is here Thursday nights and every other weekend. DSS's Mom has demanded, several times, that DP give her copies of the vet records for my animals. DSS has previously had MRSA infections (I believe he picked them up from the children's hospital in our town, as he has had a few medical procedures there) and currently has a spot on his arm that has flared up. DSS's Mom has repeatedly told DP that dogs carry MRSA, hence the request for my vet records. DSS had his first MRSA infection before he ever started coming around my dogs. Oh, she also wants to know how I get the dogs groomed...I don't get them groomed, they are short hair dogs. So...to my point here, should I give her copies of the vet records?

I have 3 thoughts about this:

1. DSS's Mom and I don't speak and have never met. If she wants those records, she can contact me (she has my number and email address) and ask for them herself. After all, they aren't technically DP's pets, they are mine.

2. I'm not giving them to her, she can get a court order to get them from me. I think it's intrusive and overbearing. I think if we start appeasing these types of requests from her, they will just get worse.

3. I think it's ridiculous that she thinks my dogs gave DSS MRSA. Isn't it true that once you have it, you have it in your system forever and will experience flare-ups?

I would love your input about this, because I have a tendency to overreact to things...expecially where she is concerned. It is difficult to determine what is a reasonable request and what is completely over the top.
The OP never once says the her DP told mom that the dogs are fine, and he couldn't because the dogs haven't been screened. OP is immediately on the defensive about the request and doesn't even actually know that animals can actually carry MRSA. So instead of getting on the defense, thinking Mom is being intrusive and overbearing, which she is not, she could have just called the vet and talked to him/her about the MRSA concerns that mom had and relayed that info to mom.
post #49 of 60
I think it's inappropriate. Your medical records are yours and yours alone. Why hasn't she asked if YOU are a carrier?

I think a more appropriate route for her to have taken would have been to offer to pay for testing of your dogs and then you could give her THOSE results. She doesn't need to see your spay and shot record. It's none of her business and personally no vet has ever tested any of my pets for mrsa. though one did get tested for the swine flu! I didn't know until i got the results lol. (neg :P )

but if she is going to go that far (and if she's scared I understand) then I think she should also offer to pay for your screenings.. but if he is a carrier wouldn't you all have it? Wouldn't he himself given it to your dogs?
post #50 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by babygirlie View Post
I think it's inappropriate. Your medical records are yours and yours alone. Why hasn't she asked if YOU are a carrier?

I think a more appropriate route for her to have taken would have been to offer to pay for testing of your dogs and then you could give her THOSE results. She doesn't need to see your spay and shot record. It's none of her business and personally no vet has ever tested any of my pets for mrsa. though one did get tested for the swine flu! I didn't know until i got the results lol. (neg :P )

but if she is going to go that far (and if she's scared I understand) then I think she should also offer to pay for your screenings.. but if he is a carrier wouldn't you all have it? Wouldn't he himself given it to your dogs?
She isn't asking for the OP's medical records and nobody communicated anything to her except NO. Its ridiculous. The OP's attitude towards her dp's son's mom is why people have problems co-parenting.
post #51 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
She isn't asking for the OP's medical records and nobody communicated anything to her except NO. Its ridiculous. The OP's attitude towards her dp's son's mom is why people have problems co-parenting.
Demanding things instead of having a conversation about them also contributes to the breakdown of the co-parenting relationship.

DH and DSD's mom have a pretty darn good co-parenting relationship, and part of the reason is because it would not even cross their minds to demand records for something. They talk about things, and they take each others' word for it. Most likely because they are both equal parents to the same child and have the child's best interests at heart - DH has no more interest in putting his DD in danger than her mom does.

Granted, we haven't heard much about the dad's opinion in this case, but I hate how whatever the mom is feeling always seems to trump whatever the dad is feeling on MDC. IME, if the mom is worried about something, it is automatically legit, or if not, it is excused because she is the mom and worried about her kid. If the dad is worried, he is probably just poking around to find a way to get more parenting time so he can lower CS, and his concerns are silly. It is so one-sided - just give the mom what she wants so she can stop worrying (whether or not her actual motives include worry over her child). I can just about guarantee that if this thread was posted by the mom and the dad was demanding vet records (or worse yet, the girlfriend of the dad), most of the responses would have been that he has no right to ask for that sort of thing.

Bottom line, though - if your can't even trust the word of your co-parent, then your problems are much bigger than vet records.

And, yes, my vet charges for copies of records.
post #52 of 60
Well, I kindly disagree. Vet records ARE medical records and ARE hers. She paid for them, they are her babies. I would not feel comfortable at all if someone had all my pet records. My pets are my babies and I don't need anyone trying funny business with MY records. What if she were to manipulate them and make some weird claims and get the dogs put down or start harassing the vet. People do weird things.
post #53 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by babygirlie View Post
Well, I kindly disagree. Vet records ARE medical records and ARE hers. She paid for them, they are her babies. I would not feel comfortable at all if someone had all my pet records. My pets are my babies and I don't need anyone trying funny business with MY records. What if she were to manipulate them and make some weird claims and get the dogs put down or start harassing the vet. People do weird things.
You really can't put yourself in the other woman's position?

Imagine if your child had a serious, life-threatening medical issue that very well could be exacerbated by your ex's pets. You'd be okay not knowing if those pets were contributing to your son's issues?

I think some of you don't appreciate how serious and painful and awful MRSA is. It's a REALLY BIG DEAL and that the OP is going to "power-tripping" before "valid concern for her child" as the step-mom's motive (the step-mom she's never met, so has no objective way of knowing what this woman is like) isn't helping her step-son in any way.

The whole point of co-parenting is to put these petty adult issues away until the child has been cared for, and frankly, it doesn't look like that's what's happening.
post #54 of 60
I just thought of something...is it possible that your dp has been poor in his communication? My dh usually is. I could totally see a conversation with my Dh, "what about the dogs", Oh there fine, "have they been checked" I don't know i'm sure they are ok, "I'm worry about this please can you ask" sure...then continued conversations to finally demanding that she get something of assurance.

I guess I'm just wondering how much has been lost down the party line...
post #55 of 60
Quote:
2. I'm not giving them to her, she can get a court order to get them from me. I think it's intrusive and overbearing. I think if we start appeasing these types of requests from her, they will just get worse.
I think that if the animals are going to be around her children, she has every right to have access to the vet records.
post #56 of 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by dakotablue View Post
I just thought of something...is it possible that your dp has been poor in his communication? My dh usually is. I could totally see a conversation with my Dh, "what about the dogs", Oh there fine, "have they been checked" I don't know i'm sure they are ok, "I'm worry about this please can you ask" sure...then continued conversations to finally demanding that she get something of assurance.

I guess I'm just wondering how much has been lost down the party line...
Same here (with my ex though) - good intentions, honest - but but poor communication skills.

Quote:
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
I think that if the animals are going to be around her children, she has every right to have access to the vet records.
So do you ask to see the vet records of every animal the child is around? Or every other person for that matter. This is getting a bit crazy...
post #57 of 60
Thread Starter 
In response to a few comments on here...

I jumped to this being an overbearing request from DSS's Mother because every other piece of information she has gotten about me she has used against me. DP told her where I worked and what I did, and she sent letters to my boss's boss and HR of the larger organization I work for and tried to get me fired and sent items that DP bought for DSS to my boss's boss. She asked DP for our address and my phone number, and then tried to get him to sign some document (with our address and my phone number on it) about how he violated some agreement he didn't know they had. So yeah, this is one more thing that I am very apprehensive to give her more access to documentation. I wouldn't put it past her to call my vet's office or to make some report about the animals that isn't exactly true. There is a lot of negativity in this relationship that I didn't instigate and didn't put there. We have had very limited contact.

DP has told her that he would ask about the records. I have told him what I found out from our vet and I am letting him take care of it. Whether she believes what he says or not, I don't know. They have a very toxic relationship, so I don't know what will come out of it.

About DSS's health - I am concerned that he has MRSA, so is his father. I'm not sure what getting the dogs tested for something that they may or may not have (and as I previously posted is extremely expensive since they are asymptomatic) will benefit at this point. He doesn't have frequently reocurring infections at this point. His mother didn't even tell DP that he had an initial infection with MRSA, only casually mentioning it many months after he had it and now coming out with this most recent request of getting the vet records. Her actions about his health and related issues make me think she thinks that DP has to earn the right to information about his son. I'm not sure if she wants them tested for MRSA or if she just feels she needs to see the vet records. I get that she is being protective, but DSS's father is just as protective of him.

There's a much larger negative dynamic to this relationship than I originally stated. I just didn't want to do something to feed into her using information to hurt us. As I said before, with her past history dealing with DP, it's really hard for us to determine what is a valid request and what is over the top.
post #58 of 60
woah WOAH WOAH!!!!

so it is not a 'simple' request of the vet records. woah!!!! there's a LOT more involved.

that changes things quite a bit.

and now i can totally understand your hesitation.

i am sooo sorry things are sooo complicated.
post #59 of 60
1. DSS's Mom and I don't speak and have never met. If she wants those records, she can contact me (she has my number and email address) and ask for them herself. After all, they aren't technically DP's pets, they are mine. Actually the BD of the child should be the person handling all of this information. I would not get involved in communication with the ex-wife. That is just going to cause you issues in the long term.

2. I'm not giving them to her, she can get a court order to get them from me. I think it's intrusive and overbearing. I think if we start appeasing these types of requests from her, they will just get worse.You should take the steps necessary to verify that your dogs are not carriers. If they are and the child is getting it from them then it would be your responsibility to take care of that or Dad can have visit elsewhere. I wold fully expect my child to be safe in his dad's home and not be acquiring MRSA from your (general) pets. The test results should be given to the mom to show that you took the issues seriously. MRSA is deadly.

3. I think it's ridiculous that she thinks my dogs gave DSS MRSA. Isn't it true that once you have it, you have it in your system forever and will experience flare-ups? Yes, animals do carry MRSA. Please have your pets tested.
post #60 of 60
OP... I would have your DP ( if he hasnt but sounds like he has) tell her your dogs are up to date on their vaccines and healthy. With your second post from some of the stuff she has done I would be VERY guarded in any info I supplied. Im with you on the if she wants more info she can go to court and get the court order. I've also had an XP who soul purpose in life was to cause me issues. I know where your coming from.
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