Has attachment parenting made daycare harder?

[chipper26]

My dd just turned 2 and I'm trying to transition her into a daycare b/c I'm going back to work full-time in less than 3 weeks. She has been with a babysitter at our house for about 3 hours each week and has gone to a house nearby for a few hours at a time once or twice a week for babysitting. This is the extent of her away time from mommy other than one night a week with daddy while I went to class.

She is sooo attached to me. She is not doing well. This morning, not only did she cry when I left, she SCREAMED and was having a flailing, all out fit. Of course it doesn't help that there are different caregivers there the first hour in the a.m. so at first she may not be left with the person who will be caring for her most of the day.

She cries on and off all morning at daycare and I haven't even left her there for a nap yet. I'm so nervous about the sleeping thing. She has never been a good sleeper and has always required my help.

She has always been a mama's girl and I haven't forced her to stay with others much. She will often cry even if left with her dad, but that was getting better for awhile.

Anyway, she has been with me 24/7 for 2 years. We co-sleep for most of the night, we still nurse, I nurse her to sleep for naps and bedtime, and now I feel like I'm leaving her to fend for herself. In my mind I know this isn't true and daycare will become a surrogate family for her with brothers, sisters and caregivers she trusts. But in my heart - well it's breaking a little right now. It's just so stinkin' hard.

Has anyone else had experience putting their two year old in daycare for the first time? How did it go? I've always considered my dd to be a bit of a high needs kid b/c of her demand for attention and sleep issues. Maybe I've done her a disservice by being there at her beck and call for all of her struggles. I don't know... the other part of me says we've formed a strong attachment to fall back on during this difficult transition and that it's just gonna take some time.

Sorry so long!

[lolar2]

DS has been in daycare or preschool since he was 5 months and has only rarely had a problem at drop-off. However, when he started his 2's preschool program last year, I noticed that some of the children who were new to the whole preschool thing had a very rough time with drop-off for the first week or two. The teachers said that was common.

[~pi]

Yes. DS went to homecare when he was 12 months, and that was a tough transition. Then when he moved to a daycare center at age 2, that was another tough transition.

I really don't know if it was AP or just his personality. He was pretty intense and high needs as a baby. (Though, he has grown into the most patient, amazing little guy as a preschooler! There is hope! )

Whatever it was, it totally sucked for a month or two each time, but it got a LOT better. One thing I will say is that looking back, he dealt better with faster transitions (the tearing the bandaid off analogy) than with "gentle" transitions. I was trying to make it easier on him, and I think I just made it harder. Talking about it a lot to him seemed to help, too, e.g., "OK, we're going to school now, and Maman is going to say goodbye. You're going to play a lot, have a snack, lunch, a nap, another snack, and then after some more playing, I will be there to take you home."

Hang in there.

[chipper26]

Thanks. I'm starting to wonder if my gradual transition plan is doing more harm than good. Tomorrow she'll stay for a nap and then it will be full days 3 days a week until I go back full-time. I think these next 2 weeks are going to be tough.

I keep wondering if I should have worked harder to get her to nap in her own or "forced" her to be around other people more. Hopefully it will be a non issue soon enough.

[marinak1977]

DS went to daycare at 5 months so it was easier, but the first week he got very frustrated because he wanted to nurse. I was really stressed out and trying to leave him there for short periods of time, but I think leaving him for a longer day actually helped, as he took the bottle from the caregivers and it was all just easier from there. Now he loves going to daycare.
Hope your DD adjusts to the new routine soon. Hang in there

[One_Girl]

I put my dd in daycare when she was almost 2 and it went very well. I picked a good daycare with wonderful teachers who I felt I could trust and she adjusted very quickly. I think that she felt very secure knowing that I would be back. She did have the crying at drop off issue for about a year, but her teachers told me it lasted for less than a minute. I have seen many kids in the daycares I work at do a cry for about a quarter of a minute until their parents are out of sight so if the teachers are telling you it lasted less than a minute I think you should believe them. It took me a lot longer to adjust to her being in daycare than it took her, I wasn't okay with not being a SAHM still for about a year after she started. I was confident that she had good care but I felt guilty about her having any care.

[JoyFilled]

I think a lot has to just do with the personality of your child. I nurse my little girl to sleep, co-sleep, don't let her CIO, wear her and play with her a lot. At 12 months she started to go to a day home and she just turned and waved bye to me. I hadn't left her for more then 5 hours before I left her for the full day.

I think the main difference would be that from birth I passed her to other people to hold. We also fostered and had kids in and out of our home and I am sure that helped. And we were always out in the first year of her life in new places and meeting new people.

I really just wanted to say that I don't think you AP was wrong at all. I think it is great. I think how kids do at day care is more a reflection of their own personality then their up bringing.

I second (or third) trying to get out the door quickly to make it less painful and to not reinforce that if she cries mom will stay.

Good luck.

[Dingletwitz]

that super-close link you two have may be playing a part in the following way-
You are a bit hesitant and feeling a bit guilty about leaving her in daycare, yeah? She might be "smelling" it on you, for lack of a better word. While I am AP with my dd, she has been in daycare since she was 6 weeks. A couple of times there have been tears, but honestly, both times I was a bit of a wreck. Once when I unintentionally left her hair DIRTY. I mean dirty. And when I dropped her off I bent over to kiss her and mumbled in her head, "oh god I'm so sorrrrrry!" Didn't say why, nothing, but she bawled. The second one was when I dropped her at her new daycare, and was having some second thoughts as the environment I saw at the first visit was nothing like her first day. My guilt, as good as I am at cloaking, was totally apparent to her. She cried. I felt worse. Darn it.
So, my advice: quick drop off (really quick, pass her off to the teach and smile, "have a great day! I'm so excited for you! See you later!" and boom, gone); excited talk about how great the daycare is, and at pickup time, hang out a while and have her show off her new friends, the toys, the teachers. I've done this with every new daycare (we moved a few times), at least a half hour every day for the first week and it works wonders for being able to talk the place up and cue her for a great day at school (I wonder if the red truck will be there again today, and if your new friend Brad will play with it with you, etc.)

[LilMomma83]

It took my DS a little while when he started in 2yo daycare to get comfortable, arriving around the same time and picking up around the same time helped.

Now I work at his daycare and during the summer we have 2-5yos. We have been getting a lot of new 2yos with the start of the school year. I usually just hold them a lot and stroke their backs during naptime etc...I let them sit on my lap during circle time if they need the extra love that day. It seems to just take them time to see that they have loving teachers and to learn the new routine. I would say 2 weeks, and generally a week off means they have to learn it over again...though it takes lest time to re-learn.

JME!

[nina_yyc]

Nope. It was a bit of a challenge to transition my DD at 12mo because she didn't take a bottle at first, but after the first two weeks she loved her day home. My DCP was really understanding about AP and breastfeeding and slowly transitioned my DD into falling asleep without help, solids, and embracing the bottle. DD is a really social girl though so she is a good fit for group care.