I'm a Bad Mother - vent, really long

[vein]

Wasn't quite sure if I should put this here or in the toddler forum, so feel free to move it if needed.

Before I gave birth, I was determined that I would not care what kind of timeline Gavin did things on compared to other kids his age. I knew he'd do things when he did them, and wasn't going to push him when he didn't want to be pushed. This was really easy when he was a small baby - he was over 9lb when he was born, had tons of strength, was really alert, and really quite happy.

The past few weeks, however, everything I read just makes me feel like a miserable parent. It seems like he has spent more hours whining and crying than humanly possible (part due to getting in lots of molars and a smattering of other teeth, part due to me just never seeming to be able to make him happy) and then I read a thread for parents of other babies born when he was and children several weeks younger seem to be doing so much more.

Things were further not helped when my mom was trying to give me "helpful" walking tips the other day. Gavin crawls *very* well - very very fast, as he has since a bit before 6 months. He has many times taken several steps unassisted but as soon as he realized what he was doing, he'd prefer to get down and crawl because he could get places a lot faster. So while he takes quite a few unassisted steps a day (more each day), he just wants to crawl most of the time.

We were fine with this, until the other day when I'd been screamed at all day long no matter what I did to entertain him. My mom (don't get me wrong, I love her, but it was just baaad timing) said we should stand on either side of him to try to get him to walk to us instead of crawl. I told her that I'd read babies who crawl well often start walking later. According to her, I couldn't crawl well but started walking at 14 months and my brother who could walk well started walking at 9 months. : Way to make me feel good.

Despite being 15 months in a little over 2 weeks, he can't identify any letters or numbers, calls pretty much any picture of an animal a kitty, doesn't talk in two word (or more) sentences, and about the only solids I can get him to eat regularly are yogurt, cottage cheese, a black bean dip I make, and whole wheat rolls.

He CAN drink out of a straw, can identify beer by smell alone (don't even ask - if it makes my SO interact with him more, as long as he doesn't drink it, I'm trying not to have a heart attack), pretends different things (talking on the phone, drinking from big people cups complete with sound effects), and feed himself some things. He thankfully doesn't try to hit the rats anymore but instead tries to give them kisses when they are out, although he's got a large fresh scratch because he can't seem to understand you do NOT pull on the cats tail.

I feel like I have failed. We're both intelligent people and because of me, not only is our son miserable, but he'll be far behind anyone near his age. I don't know if it's me not having more friends with young children he can play with or me not playing the right games with him or me not providing him with enough intellectual stimulation or what, but I feel like I've absolutely failed him.

Sorry for the length. He's back to crying for the 12389572135th time today - my summons to try to entertain him.

[Hannah's Mom]

Despite being 15 months in a little over 2 weeks, he can't identify any letters or numbers, calls pretty much any picture of an animal a kitty, doesn't talk in two word (or more) sentences, and about the only solids I can get him to eat regularly are yogurt, cottage cheese, a black bean dip I make, and whole wheat rolls.

All of this sounds TOTALLY normal to me. I don't know very many almost-15-month-olds (or even much older) who can identify any numbers or letters and many kids his age call all animals dogs or cats. Two-word sentences aren't supposed to happen for a while, I think (my dd is 20 months and knows lots of words, but doesn't put them together consistently, except maybe "hold you" or "hug you" or "pour it", and that's only been in the past month or so). What crazy books/websites are you reading that have you thinking a 14 1/2-month-old baby should be doing these things? And Hannah didn't walk until pretty late, either. There was nothing I could do to encourage her - if I asked her to walk to me, she would find a way to hold onto furniture or the wall or just drop down and crawl until one day, she just walked across the room. If he's a bigger baby, I think it makes sense that it might take him a little longer to walk. Oh, and dd got scratched by our cat just a couple of weeks ago bc she also hasn't figured out that messing with him will get her scratched. That's normal (meanwhile, we've learned OUR lesson and now watch all interaction between the cat and dd until she's old enough to "get it").

I think your expectations of what's normal for a baby this age are a bit elevated. Stay away from what you're reading now and either find something more reasonable regarding children's development or quit reading anything about it for awhile. I've all but stopped reading anything like that bc it makes me crazy.

[ohiomama]

Re: I'm a Bad Mother - vent, really long

Originally posted by vein

Despite being 15 months in a little over 2 weeks, he can't identify any letters or numbers, calls pretty much any picture of an animal a kitty, doesn't talk in two word (or more) sentences, and about the only solids I can get him to eat regularly are yogurt, cottage cheese, a black bean dip I make, and whole wheat rolls.

[/B]

Vein,
All of this sounds completely normal to me. My goodness if he could identify letters and numbers at 15 mo. I would think you had a genius on your hands.

My ds didn't start putting words together and really talking until he was around 20 or 21 mo. and he is a really smart kid (of course I'm biased but other people tell me this too ) He also didn't crawl until he was over 10 mo.

Just relax, you're doing a great job, your ds is doing a great job just being the kid he is. You most certainly have not failed. Nothing you've said sounds like he is in any way behind where he should be.

You love your kid and continue to even with his crying 12389572135 times a day. That's what he needs and that is what you are so wonderfully giving him.

[ohiomama]

Hannah's Mom- you beat me to it.

Me and my darn slow typing. :

[Hannah's Mom]

Hehe ohiomama, I was just reading what you wrote and was glad I wasn't completely off-target.

Vein - I was just thinking about another thread where I read several mamas say their kids didn't really know how to identify letters and numbers until closer to kindergarten, so I think you've got a long while before you need to worry about Gavin!

[angela&avery]

im sorry you're so upset.... i can definately understand how you feel, but if you are exposing the child to learning oppurtunities, there is nothing else you can do. And IMO, he sounds perfectly perfect... early childhood can be a rat race of sorts, and most children even out to be quite similar by 1st grade..... I work in a toddler room and 15 mo olds are mostly like you described your son to be.

Oh sure, we get some that know lots of stuff and speak in sentences (two words or more), but they are far and few between.. I read somewhere that children that age tend to work on one thing at a time, and if he is crawling and very active.. thats what he's working on.... building gross (arms legs) and fine (finger lifting and manipulating) motor is just as much an accomplishment as learning to speak..... many children that are delayed are delayed in EVERY thing... and your son is not delayed...

it is absolutely true that if they crawl well they wont walk as quickly.... ive had many 18, 19 mo olds start that dont walk.. they learn quickly after they start to keep up with the kids, but had no interested until they came to daycare.

he pretends which is amazing for that age... he can feed himself and knows gentle... huge accomplishments for that age group..

also, calling all animals a kitty is called generalization, most kids do that .... its very normal .... like calling all men with white beards santa....all animals with four legs kitty (sometimes doggy)...

He really sounds great and a good thing to remember is that as long as he is making progress and taking the right steps, it doesnt matter how quickly he does it..

Oh and my son talked early, but he is definately evening out with other kids at 2 1/2 ... now ds is so obnoxious and gets into everything, and is so much worse than some of the other kids.. the other kids are so well behaved.. and even if they didnt talk when ds did, they are all talking now.....your son will have his turn to shine.....

also , dd is doing things much slower than ds did, and i am not doing anything different... it has a lot to do with temperament IMO..

HTH!!!!

[angela&avery]

you guys type faster than me too!!!!

[Dragonfly]

Re: I'm a Bad Mother - vent, really long

Originally posted by vein
Despite being 15 months in a little over 2 weeks, he can't identify any letters or numbers, calls pretty much any picture of an animal a kitty, doesn't talk in two word (or more) sentences, and about the only solids I can get him to eat regularly are yogurt, cottage cheese, a black bean dip I make, and whole wheat rolls.

He sounds absolutely normal to me. :

About the only constructive advice I can offer is this: Don't listen to people on message boards (particularly birth boards) bragging about what their kids can do. Seriously... I think these things often become a competition (silly as that is) and achievements have a tendency of getting blown WAY out of proportion.

What is most important is that you keep this in perspective. He's 15 months old. You obviously love him so much that you spend a lot of time fretting about this. That fact alone says that you've not failed him. Just keep in mind that all kids have their own timelines - they really do! Your child was crawling before 6 months. Mine wasn't even close to crawling at 6 months. A friend of mine had a beautiful baby girl who didn't even crawl until she was 15 months. She started walking a few months later and, at 5, is now quite athletic. Another example: My son could drop-kick a ball with astounding precision at a year old. Other kids around that age were hardly able to connect their foot with a ball but were close to reciting the alphabet. Only now at almost 3.5 is he starting to get the alphabet together. Like I said, they all have their own timeline. Some kids are better at certain things earlier. As they grow, they start to equalize.

Gavin is obviously working on other things that are more important to him than taking that "next step" to walking. Be confident in that, and positive about it. Don't let others bring you down. Your mom? Tell her that you have confidence that Gavin will do these things when he's ready. And trust in that... it's the way nature works.

As for his misery - have you explored any possible food allergies? Do you get outside often and do things (I find that always has helped us immensely - lots of stimulation there)? Do you carry him on your back while you do things around the house? I remember that being a difficult time - it sometimes seemed as though I had to put on an entire vaudeville act to keep him amused. Getting outside and carrying him on my back really helped him to feel as though he was doing something while taking the pressure off of me to be the "entertainment."

I know it's easier said than done, but really try not to doubt yourself. You are obviously a great mother. If you weren't, you wouldn't be here.

[Evergreen]

He sounds normal to me as well!

One thing to remember, YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT MOTHER Part of being a good mother is being in tune with him and not pushing him to do things he is not ready to do.

Identification of letters and numbers is not average for a 15 month old. I know it is difficult, but try to remember that someone who tells you their 15 month old can do that is not out to make you feel like a bad mother. SHe is saying it because it is a MAJOR accomplishment for a child of that age, something out of the ordinary and she, as any mother would, is extremely proud.

I always said I would never compare my daughter to others but I find myself doing it also. Sometimes it is good, for example, I would have never thought to introduce my child to letters at her age, but then I heard of someone who's child (her age) could identify six of them. At first I thought, ohhhh I am awful I havent exposed her to letters yet she is missing out. THen I showed her a few on our refrigerator (magnet letters) and she caught on. If she hadn't caught on I would have dropped it, but now she has another fun game to play with me!

[grisandole]

Echoing everyone else! My ds1 was slow to walk; he wasn't much of a crawler, either, he walked around 14mos; ds2 crawled okay, and walked around a year........each child is different. My ds2 is 22mos and is just now starting to identify letters, and barely at that.

There isn't anything wrong with your son, he's normal!

I do think that people, especially family, get caught up in the "Well, you crawled at so and so time......" like they think everyone in the family will do things on the same timeline.......not so!

Kristi

[mamallama]

When people talk about their 15 month olds knowing letters or colors or shapes or animals or whatnot, I think a lot of times they have trained the kid a specific response to a specific question. I'm sure there are a rare few kids who can always identify "A" in any context at 15 mos, but for the most part I think that kind of thing at that age is a conditioned response to the parents incessantly drilling the kid in hopes of making him "smarter."

For example, my two year old can recite numbers to 20 (her older sister plays a lot of hide-and-seek). She does this while pointing at things she's "counting." She may or may not stop saying numbers when she runs out of objects, or she may assign the same object more than one number. Can she count to 20? Nope. But she fools people who don't know any better. She can however, say with complete accuracy if there are one or two of something. She can count to two.

It sounds to me like your boy is right on track developmentally. You probably could teach him some neat pony tricks if you wanted to, but the way I see it, kids are much better off in the long run if we skip the tricks and follow their lead.

[vein]

You guys are all wonderful.

I really never used to care, and my logical brain still doesn't care, and yet there is that non logical portion that seems to be gaining control of the rest. I blame it on being told by another mother when Gavin was 12.5 months that, at about 22lb, he was tiny and she could tell that he didn't eat much solids! :

As for a possible food allergy causing this incessant crying, I've thought about it often. He is allergic to bananas (which after that, his gag reflex started up again and didn't go away until 12 months) and at 6.5 months was sensitive to carrots. He also was sensitive to me having dairy in larger amounts until 7 or 8 months. He has red cheeks a LOT lately, but he's also been teething constantly for the past month, so I have no clue. My SO says I'm being paranoid if I even bring up the word allergy and Gavin won't eat any veggies of any sort prepared any way and cries in hunger if I try to skip his daily yogurt. His weight gain is steady and he isn't more cranky after eating than before, so I'm hoping that it is just teething.

Again, the non logical side of my brain taking over (has anyone found the off switch to that portion yet?!) but I am just SO afraid of not doing the "right" things. At least he's finally showing an interest in books, even if sometimes that means trying to destroy mine. It helps me think I haven't yet pushed him into a total intellectual void.

[Leatherette]

I have a good friend whose son didn't walk until 17 months. He's fine.

My son is 3 and a half. He has friends who can write their names. He has little interest. Since he doesn't have to sign any checks yet, I guess it doesn't matter.

Kids and adults have all different kinds of smarts that develop in their own time.

Don't stress, talk to him a lot, and acknowledge his skills.

You're a good mom.

L.

[Quaniliaz]

You're doing a great job!!

I don't have time to post something from the book, "Becoming the Parent You Want To Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years" by Janis Keyser (Contributor), Laura Davis (Author) right now, but it has really helped me to keep things in perspective, and to follow my child's lead.

My daughter is the same age, and is pretty much doing the same things that your son is doing.

What amazes me is how she (and your son, and other babies this age) can think abstractly - (i.e. call all animals kitty's - that's great that he is comparing animals and knows that they are similar, if not exactly the same).

Does he have a doll he could play with - I bet he would really like one since he seems to enjoy pretending. My dd loves her "babies" - they are so relevent to her life!

Marisa

[HomeschoolLady03]

Your child sounds completely normal! No worries!

I have a two year old and I am just now beginning to teach her colors.

You're doing great! Hang in there!

[mamawanabe]

Remember, doing things really early does not make a child a genius, it makes him/her precocious.

[Lisa Lubner]

salaam

my son started crawling when he was 7 months and started taking his first steps when he was ten... he was an accident waiting to happen... he would stand up and run as many steps as he could and CRASH. he just kept this up until he got it right by 12 months. he didn't say much until he was about 18 months old. (no babbling either, he would just "huh" and point lol)

my daughter DIDN'T MOVE until she was almost a year. she learned to crawl at like 1 year, and then two weeks later she *very carefully* stood up, took a few cautious steps, and sat down. she has been practicing ever since... she's 22 months now and she is THE most accident prone kid i have ever seen. she is just now starting to understand that things have names, and her vocab is building... but she has been babbling her own language for the past year. (and she called everything on four legs "cat" for the LONGEST TIME haha... she would say "cat!", and i would say "no zahra, that's a DOG"... and she would look at me, and back at the dog and say "CAT!" hehe)

my son learns everything hands- on and on the run, and my daughter studies things very closely at great detail. my point is, every kid is different. the best thing you can do is embrace your beautiful child for who he is and encourage whatever kind of learning is the most beneficial to him.

i think you sound like you are doing just fine.

khalilah

[Foobar]

Honey- You are doing fine!

Although Goo walked around 13 months(i considered that early), she was calling EVERYTHING a "doggie" at 15 months and every "doggie" said "meow".:

Now at almost 20 months, she is putting words together. I don't think she can identify letters and we are just starting to teach her colors.

Every child develops differently. Don't try to compare yourself to others.

And remember that sometimes, just before and after a milestone achievement, your child may cry out of frustration or from runaway brain.... Goo does that sometimes and MAN is it frustrating.....

[Benjismom]

I'm so glad you've gotten such sage advice. I had to laugh out loud when you worried that your son wasn't identifying letters and numbers. I agree with mamallama that only kids who are getting these responses drilled into their heads are doing that. There is absolutely no evidence that such activities help children become better learners in the long run and he'll learn those things in good time.

My daughter is almost 14 mos old, is not walking and is fussy and upset almost all the time. I think it's a combination of low frustration and boredom thresholds and teething. My son had a similar phase. It is really crazymaking but this too shall pass. It has no bearing on your abilities or efforts as a mother, that's for sure.

Good luck--

Beth, Mom to Benji and Maggie

[TigerTail]

my max is (uh, let me think) 21 months (? can't count now, exhaustion), & i was thrilled out of my gourd when i asked him yesterday where he hid the remote & he shrugged, 'i dunno'. words are few & hard to come by for him, & i worry too, but i keep telling myself dd didn't want to walk till 1 1/2, sam was running at 10 m, and max didn't get on it till well after a year, & now THEY ALL WALK FINE. i was freaked sam wasn't using the proper number of two word sentences at 18 m, and one day he just exploded and now speaks better than any 3 yr old i've heard. so even your worrying is normal.

try not to sweat it, vein.

suse