I don't belong.....anywhere.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

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[newbiemama09]

many, many people are just born introverts. they get all of their energy, happiness, fullfillment from being alone. that's just the way it is. as dorky as this sounds, it might help you to take some personality tests (Meyers-Briggs especially) so you can discover your "personality type" and understand how that fits in your lifestyle.

for you, it might be just waiting until you DO that that "thing" that makes you feel whole. in the meantime, what do you like to do? focus on those tasks. if it helps, write down thoughts, reminders, reason why you love your life (or can at least admit you appreciate it) and your child. then if you're feeling disconnected or down, you can pick it up and read it.

[sapientia]

Originally Posted by newbiemama09

many, many people are just born introverts. they get all of their energy, happiness, fullfillment from being alone. that's just the way it is. as dorky as this sounds, it might help you to take some personality tests (Meyers-Briggs especially) so you can discover your "personality type" and understand how that fits in your lifestyle.

for you, it might be just waiting until you DO that that "thing" that makes you feel whole. in the meantime, what do you like to do? focus on those tasks. if it helps, write down thoughts, reminders, reason why you love your life (or can at least admit you appreciate it) and your child. then if you're feeling disconnected or down, you can pick it up and read it.

good ideas, I second this. I have always felt really out of place-never fitting in-like I am reallllly from some other time or place, and taking the personality tests, doing some looking within without judgment helped me.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

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[pupsnelda]

[/QUOTE]I mean, there is nothing I do that brings me the type of "light up your face" joy that I see other people having.
I see people get giddy over things, over relatives, over hobbies, over events, over gifts, over significant others, over vacations, over...whatever.
I want to feel that. I try to feel it. I just don't get it.[/QUOTE]

That's me! I always thought I am the only one feeling like this. And I always think something must be wrong with me. My counselor asked me many times "What brings you deep joy, what are you passionate about?" and I cannot really answer. There are things which make me happyish, content but they do not touch my inner core. So you are not alone. No answers...

[savannah smiles]

Google "schizoid personality disorder" and see if the description fits at all. I was dx'd with it last year because of feelings similar to what you've described. I was actually wondering if I had Asperger's but I don't. Turns out, the two disorders are very similar with the key difference being schizoids can read social cues (although they don't always resond appropriately) and they don't have obsessions like Aspies.
I know the word schizoid is pretty unpleasant and I believe they're looking into changing it at some poing. Basically, those that have this disorder are extreme introverts which means they rarely make, or want to make, the types of connections that other people do.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

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[savannah smiles]

In fairness to your counselor, it's the most rare type of personality disorder. I think it accounts for only 10% of dx'd disorders. I would have thought I'd have stumbled across it in all of my research as to what made me different, but I never did.

Like you, I was amazed to see myself laid out in black and white print when I read about the disorder. All this time I had felt out of step with the world and I now knew it's because I WAS out of step with the world. Growing up I learned how I was supposed to behave from watching movies or reading books because so little of the "correct" reactions/responses came naturally to me.

Now that I know I'm different, I go a lot easier on myself. Before I felt like if I just tried hard enough, I would enjoy small talk/parties/having a lot of friends. I still have to work harder than most to have some success socially but at least now I know why.

I wish there was more information out there on this disorder but there isn't. I guess it's not one of the more "exciting" ones, lol!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

[SugarGlider]

This fits me too. I connect more with my son who is like me and do not connect well with my daughter who is very socially driven.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

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[savannah smiles]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

I am just "holy sh$%ing" myself the more I read.

The bold: Yeah, I find myself "people watching" to see how they react to events and comparing it against what I do to see what needs to be modified.
It was surreal the first time I realized that I was doing it for mimicking not because I was truly interested in other people specifically. KWIM??

This is more profound than when I found the introvert tribe months ago.
There is seems to be an explination for/of me, not just a part of me.

It's nice to be not so alone in your aloneness, isn't it?

I very well may shoot you some PMs after I read some more!

I guess one of my biggest concerns is how does my being this way affect my child? Will it? Can I prevent him "catching it" (lol) by forcing myself to "be there" for him?

As for raising kids, I have many of the same concerns. My 8 yr old dd shows many of the same qualities I have but I'm really hoping she doesn't have this disorder. I've had her thoroughly checked for autism/Aspberger's but she's only been dx w/ ADHD/ODD. She has a very hard time in social situations. She just doesn't seem to get things that comes naturally to her little sister, esp. in regards to reading and responding to social cues. She seems confused and frustrated in most social situations even when I'm there beside her walking her through it step by step. I told my dh that it's like the blind leading the blind because even though I can understand her responses (or lack thereof) it doesn't mean I can really help her work her way through things.

I feel horrible guilt because I had very bad PPD after having her and, to top it off, she was/is a very high needs baby/child so I do withdraw emotionally from her at times simply to save my sanity. I'm sure I'm not "there" for her as much as I should be, but I really try my best and that's all I can do. Had I known what I was back before I had kids, I probably wouldn't have had them even though I'm glad I have them now, if that makes sense, lol! They enrich my life but I really have to struggly against my natural inclinations to parent them well.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

I mean, there is nothing I do that brings me the type of "light up your face" joy that I see other people having.
I see people get giddy over things, over relatives, over hobbies, over events, over gifts, over significant others, over vacations, over...whatever.
I want to feel that. I try to feel it. I just don't get it.

I feel the same way. I've told DH that many times - that other people seem to have some "thing" that's theirs, and I don't. I don't even know what it would be for me - where to start looking.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

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[HappilyEvrAfter]

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[brokenheart]

I have to read about that disorder. I am with you....most things bore me to tears and I am very confused/bewildered as to how anyone could get so excited over golf/soccer/painting/ballroom dancing/gardening/sewing...whatever. I just don't get it. And I hate it. I would just love to get enjoyment out of something.

It reminds me of that Nirvana song:

I wish I was like you....easily amused.

[journeymom]

Sometimes I feel like I don't care and could be quite content to not care...would be more content to not care all the time.

Example? What is it you don't care about that you think you should care about?

I think I can identify with this but I want to know what you're thinking.

I mean, there is nothing I do that brings me the type of "light up your face" joy that I see other people having.
I see people get giddy over things, over relatives, over hobbies, over events, over gifts, over significant others, over vacations, over...whatever.
I want to feel that. I try to feel it. I just don't get it.

That's me! I always thought I am the only one feeling like this. And I always think something must be wrong with me. My counselor asked me many times "What brings you deep joy, what are you passionate about?" and I cannot really answer. There are things which make me happyish, content but they do not touch my inner core. So you are not alone. No answers...

I identify with this a lot, too.

I've been starting to think it's because I've been focused for so long on what I 'should' be interested in, that whatever I might have ever been honestly interested in is stuffed down. Lost.

See my signature.

I feel horrible guilt because I had very bad PPD after having her and, to top it off, she was/is a very high needs baby/child so I do withdraw emotionally from her at times simply to save my sanity. I'm sure I'm not "there" for her as much as I should be, but I really try my best and that's all I can do. Had I known what I was back before I had kids, I probably wouldn't have had them even though I'm glad I have them now, if that makes sense, lol! They enrich my life but I really have to struggly against my natural inclinations to parent them well.

. More recognition and agreement to every sentence.

I'll have to look into this schizoid personality thing.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

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[savannah smiles]

Thanks for letting me know about psychforums.com! I'll have to check it out.

On the plus side of this disorder, I've always had a strong sense of self which has been great. As a teenager, I rarely cared about or caved into peer pressure. I've never done drugs because it seemed stupid and pointless and was never into the casual sex thing.

I have often found myself annoyed at people who try so hard to be different. As if getting a tattoo or coloring your hair blue really makes one different. Puh-leez! I think that people who are/or feel truly different work at appearing normal while it's the normal people who work so hard at looking/acting different.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

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[savannah smiles]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

Lol. I found this to be so true!! I never felt peer pressure. Couldn't understand why people felt the need to be the same in order to be part of the group.
Even today, when they good naturedly taunt me at work to join all the office events I say, "Ha, yeah, that peer pressure thing has no effect on me."

Here's a question: who should you rely on to get an accurate picture of whether this personality disorder applies or might even be a match option?

I understand that a long term therapist would be the absolute best, but I was talking to my dad (who has extensive counseling experience) and he swore up and down that this in no way fit me! But, me, I SEE myself about 97% in every description of this disorder realm. Maybe more so in the avoidance category, but definetly on the inner fringes of SPD.
Would a therapist have to delve really, really far into someone to find this and my dad just isn't see it because, even as close as we are, he doesn't see how much of a facade I put up??

I was a little hurt by his reaction, but now I'm second guessing having seen myself in all the descriptions because of his adamancy.

Even if I hadn't been officially dx'd w/ this disorder, I would have seen myself in the description of it and believed it. It's nice to have an official dx to do away with any doubts but in the end, you know you better than anyone else. I think most people w/ this disorder spend much of their lives "acting" to some degree and if all that anyone has seen is the actor, that's what they're going to go by such as in the case of your dad. Even the therapist I was required to see prior to getting lap band surgery seemed to roll his eyes at the dx as if it were something I was making up. I had to keep reminding him of why things that work great on other people who had weight loss surgery (such as group support meetings, exercising with a friend) wouldn't really work with me.

The actual process to being diagnosed was relatively simple. I went one day and talked to a therapist about what was going on and gave a life history. I came back another day for 2 hours of testing (and now I know my IQ!) and then came back a couple of weeks later for the results.

I think this disorder can be hard to see because it's not really overt. Many therapists might see a depressed introvert as opposed to something deeper. Perhaps your counselor can suggest someone who can give you a thorough mental workup?