1st boy circ'd, 2nd not?

[Climbergirl]

DH was really adamant about having our son circ'd. I didn't want to, but since that was the ONLY thing he was really, really set on, we did it.

Just found out we are having another boy. I really do not want to and pretty much said that during the ultrasound to him. And I think he knows I am going to put up a bigger fight for this one.

People have been telling me that I "can't" (whatever that means) have 1 circ'd and the other not. Which is bull, but I know if could cause some issues and I want to know what those are. How do you explain to the older one that you did something to their penis that you did not do to the other? Especially when the one you did not circ is the only one in the house with an intact penis (DH is circ'd too). So basically, no one is going to know what to do with an intact penis (except I HOPE my FIL does since he is a pedi, but then that may not be a good assumption either).

I was hoping we would have a girl so we did not have to deal with this. Argh.

[buckeyedoc]

If it were me in that situation, I would tell the circumcised older boy that the circumcision surgery was what we thought was best when he was born, but we later found that it wasn't necessary or essential for health and decided not to have it done the second time around. You could even say you had a different doctor for the births and got different advice, or however you want to phrase it. I have noticed a lot of families like this in anti-circumcision forums and on Peaceful Parenting.

I would not worry for a minute about care of the intact penis. DH is circumcised, and my sons aren't. We both had zero experience with intact care before having our first son, and there is really nothing to do. Once boys are retractable, which can take many years, they rinse underneath the foreskin with water.

[dianakaye]

One of my husband's aunts has 5 boys. The first 2 or 3 were circ'ed but the last 2-3 weren't (I can't remember the middle boy's status). It was never an issue for the family. They just told the older boys that Mom had learned more about circumcision and realized it wasn't necessary. Talking with her 2 youngest was a huge factor in me realizing that my son would be totally happy with his intact penis. They are totally confident and happy and never got teased or had any problems. I asked them if they ever wished they'd been circ'ed and they looked at me like I had two heads "why? I love myself the way I am". Seeing how happy they were helped "deprogram" me from growing up in a circ-happy culture.

Oh, and my son is almost 21 months and caring for his penis is so easy. He doesn't retract at all yet (which is normal) so I don't do a thing. It's just as easy as a circ'ed penis at this point.

[glongley]

Here's a previous CAC post on families where the first boy(s) are circed and later ones are not:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1094686

Your'e lucky to get a chance with having another boy - a "do-over"! And you'll be able to use your experience and perspective to help other mothers in your situation, or those making the decision for the first time.

Congratulations!

Gillian

[maotmsmi]

*

Edited by maotmsmi - 5/21/11 at 12:31pm

[BunnyMcFluff]

I've a 10 year old who is and a 3 year old who isn't. The difference has never, ever come up.

[kittywitty]

I would not. If I have a boy, he will not be circ'd. Period. Stand up for your son, OP. My first was circ'd. I was Jewish and didn't know exactly what happened and didn't think about it. He has severe meatal stenosis and has already had one surgery. I can't begin to explain my sorrow over it. I would not do it again and having one circ'd and one not-I can't see how that would be weird. Why would you sacrifice part of your child's penis to keep a status quo?

[aihley]

It's not weird at all. My two little foster brothers were like this (other way around, oldest intact) and they NEVER asked why they were different. They seemed to pay about as much attention to it as they did to why one was taller or why they didn't have identical facial features. It's not difficult to explain if they do ask. As for worrying about the fight, honestly, even if DH wasn't amenable to not circing our 2nd, I would simply inform him that I would be informing all medical staff in writing that I will not consent to a circ. VERY few doctors will perform a circ if one parent disagrees b/c they fear a lawsuit.

If DH is still insistent, then get him to set the money aside for the procedure after your son turns 18. It's much less painful then b/c they actually use anesthetic, don't have to rip it off the glans, the guy gets pain pills, and an adult doesn't sit around with his open wound in a diaper. That's as close to a compromise that I'll get with our next.

[eepster]

DH is circ'd, but his younger brother isn't. I asked MIL about it. She didn't really speak very much english at the time she had DH. She didn't realize that it was surgery or what exactly would happen, so she went along with what the Dr told her to do. She was rather shocked at what they did to DH. Of course, when she had her second son, she knew what they were talking about, since she'd seen what happened to DH and she had lived in an english speaking country a few more years, so she refused to circ BIL.

DH is the only circ'd member of his family, and being different really never effected him in and of itself (he of course has physical effects from not having a foreskin though.) In all families, there will be various differences from one member to the next. The difference between DH and BIL that gets most thought about is that BIL is tallish, but DH is quite short.

[Greg B]

Originally Posted by Climbergirl

...Which is bull, but I know if could cause some issues and I want to know what those are. How do you explain to the older one that you did something to their penis that you did not do to the other? Especially when the one you did not circ is the only one in the house with an intact penis (DH is circ'd too)...

No issues. I was the older circ'd son. Mt two brothers the intact sons. No problem whatsoever. This is a red herring argument, fear mongering at its worst. No logic behind it. No support for it. Just fear and pressure.

Be strong. Two wrongs do not make a right. Never have.

Regards

[Quirky]

Good for you for making a better choice this time around! I think you will see that "differing statuses" and "hygiene" are total non-issues.

I just wanted to post to bring up one point that you may not have thought of, or to put things in a different light. I think a lot of parents circumcise second and higher-order boys because to do otherwise is to have to admit to the first one that you made a big mistake and you caused him bodily harm.

But even if you were to have 10 more boys and circumcise every one of them, you're not going to be able to avoid or escape the fact that you circumcised your first -- and you're not going to be able to escape the fact that eventually he will learn about circumcision. Maybe 40 years ago when everyone was circumcised and there was no Internet, and all of the doctors were on board with circumcision, a boy could grow up in blissful ignorance of what circumcision is and what it destroys. No longer. Nowadays no matter what part of the country you live in, there is a majority to a sizable minority of intact boys -- and of course life is long, people move, boys grow up and go away to college, live in different places, travel overseas, etc. Plus obviously -- the Internet.

So there's no way for a circumcised boy from a whole family of circumcised boys to avoid learning about circumcision at some point -- and maybe he'll learn the truth, maybe he won't, but the truth is out there and is very easy to find.

The best thing to do is to explain to your older son in an age-appropriate way that you did the best you knew how with him, and that you're very sorry you didn't know better with him, and now you're doing the best you know how with his baby brother.

And also keep this in mind -- with your older boy, you didn't know as much as you do know. With your younger boy, you have no excuse -- how would you explain it to him if you gave in and cut him, knowing what you know now? "Sorry, we knew it was the wrong thing to do, but we didn't want to hurt your brother's feelings?" That would be a much worse conversation than explaining to your older son that you have kept your younger boy(s) intact.

I hope the point I'm trying to make is clear: I know you love your older son more than anything, but you can't protect him from the truth about circumcision in the long run by cutting your younger boy. It will feel so much better to break the cycle of violence and denial now, and in the long run I think you will find it very healing and empowering.

FWIW, I know LOTS of families in real life with one or more older cut boys and one or more younger intact boys. It just hasn't been an issue, any more than it's been in my family with my intact son and my cut husband. And as the mom of two daughters, let me tell you that hygiene on an intact boys is LOTS easier than on an intact girl!

[mesa]

my 10 year old is, my 7 year old isn't, and neither will the new boy coming in September. It's not something that has come up for our family...my oldest has never asked any questions about it, but we have discussed it, on my own initiative. I just told him that we have always done what we thought was best for them, and always will. Just that sometimes "what we think is best" can change sometimes, and we change our decisions because of it. He doesn't have nearly the amount of emotion attached to it as I do, and frankly thought my sadness and nervousness when talking about it was kind of funny.

My husband is the same way, lol...he's anti circ just like me, but thinks my passion for the subject is slightly comical...although he would NEVER dream of making fun of me for it, lol. I'd kill him

[Nitenites]

My oldest is circ'd, my second and third boys are intact, as is my daughter. I'm pregnant again, and this child will not be circ'd. When you know better, you do better.

Just as I don't get all my kids contact lenses so they have the same color eyes, or dye their hair so they all have the same hair color, I don't believe the, "All children must look alike" argument to hold water. It's silly nonsense.

And it's never come up, either. My boys just never noticed.