If you have an only child, or had a second child when the first was much older....

[StephandOwen]

how did you deal with their requests for siblings or their conversations around it?

DS is almost 7 and up until recently I don't think he's noticed or cared that he's an only child. Now I think he's starting to realize that other families have more than 1 child and has been talking about "mama having babies". Yes, that's right. During the conversation today he predicted two babies in mama's belly, a boy and a girl who, apparently, are holding hands because they're friends and don't want to be lonely. (Don't even get me started on how freaked out *that* makes me considering I've been having lots of dreams of twins lately...).

While it's cute to see him excited about it, there are no babies in the plans for at least 2-3 more years. I have enough baby fever right now I don't really want to deal with ds talking about babies for the next 3 years! LOL! I want to validate his feelings of wanting a baby, but I don't want him to think a baby is right around the corner either because he doesn't understand "maybe in 2 or 3 years" and that's not really fair to tell a kid either.

HELP!

[lyterae]

DD started asking for siblings when she was about 3.. We had people asking when we were due because she talked about being a big sister constantly. Our answer to her was that it wasn't time for a baby to grow yet, that we would all be excited when it was time and that one day she would get to be a big sister. She would go through spaces of weeks of talking about nothing else and praying at bedtime for a baby, and then we would have silence about it.. Again, we never told her "when" it would happen, except that right then wasn't the right time.

She also talks about twins frequently because she wants a little brother AND a little sister.

We are expecting now (she is 4.5) and she tells everyone that she is a big sister because there is a baby growing.

[KyleAnn]

We have been in the same situation with our DS (also 7), for the last several months...he asks at least once a week, if not more.
We had DS when we were younger, before all of our friends started their families, so he is the oldest by about 2 1/2 years. And each of our friends now have children-some have 2, some 3, one couple is working on 4. Always being around these siblings just makes him sad. He literally BEGS, to the point where he says things like, "All I want for Christmas/my birthday is a little brother/sister..."
...it just breaks my heart. We knew we were not going to ever have another child, but going through this with him makes me feel horrible.

There is no point to my rambling-I guess I just wanted you to know that we share your pain. I wish I knew what I could tell him to help him understand...I wish I had advice for you! I agree with you about validating their feelings, we do this and I think is is super important. I hope someone has some helpful suggestions for you.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by KyleAnn

We had DS when we were younger, before all of our friends started their families, so he is the oldest by about 2 1/2 years. And each of our friends now have children-some have 2, some 3, one couple is working on 4.

This was me too. I (dp is not the bio-dad) had ds when I was young, WAY before any of my friends started having kids. Now my friends are on their second or third and we are constantly being asked when we're going to have another. DP, especially, gets asked all the time. A lot of his co-workers have been having babies lately. His boss, whom he is good friends with, just had a baby a few weeks ago. DP and his boss went out for lunch today where the boss told dp he's afraid his wife is pregnant again (she's late) and then proceeded to ask dp when we're having another one. There is this huge push from everyone and, unfortunately, I think ds does hear some of it. Right now our standard response is that we want to get married first. I don't know what we're going to say after we do get married (January 1st!)! LOL!

[ellemenope]

DD(2) has been asking me to, in her own words, "put a baby in [my] tummy so then [I] can push it out and it will be [hers]."

We have no baby plans in the near future.

[rlandnl]

my DS started asking when he was maybe 3 or so. We were in a tough spot because we wanted more children but were told we couldn't have any. So we would agree that it would be fun to have a brother or a sister, but tell him all the special things that we can do because he didn't have to share resources - vacations etc- he still persisted, for years. We told him that yes it would be fun, and maybe someday we would be blessed with another baby but that if we never did we were so lucky that we had the most perfect little boy. I don't even remember all the things we came up with lol

But then SURPRISE there was a baby on the way lol he said "I TOLD you I was going to be a big brother, we were on the kid tree together"

**when he was little we had this running joke that we picked him off the kid tree in a kid tree orchard, and we had to go back many times because we couldn't find the perfect kid for us, till finally we found him at the tip top of the furthest tree*** so that's where he got the kid tree thing.

I think the only thing you can do is acknowledge how they feel, and tell them that hopefully someday you will be able to give them one

[ellemenope]

Originally Posted by rlandnl

**when he was little we had this running joke that we picked him off the kid tree in a kid tree orchard, and we had to go back many times because we couldn't find the perfect kid for us, till finally we found him at the tip top of the furthest tree*** so that's where he got the kid tree thing.

That could be a children's book. So cute. and congrats!!!!!!

[rlandnl]

Originally Posted by ellemenope

That could be a children's book. So cute. and congrats!!!!!!

hmmm maybe I need to write it up thank you we love to play little games like that, even at 7 years old he loves things like that

[NiteNicole]

My daughter has stopped asking me to have babies. She had a phase where she would get teary around our friend's babies because "Mama won't get me even one, not even ONE!" Now she just tells strangers that when she grows up, she's going to have MILLIONS of babies.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by rlandnl

**when he was little we had this running joke that we picked him off the kid tree in a kid tree orchard, and we had to go back many times because we couldn't find the perfect kid for us, till finally we found him at the tip top of the furthest tree*** so that's where he got the kid tree thing.

That is so stinking cute! I love it!

One more question for all- how do you deal with other people asking you in front of your child if/when you're going to have more? Personally, I don't think it's anybody's business but, for some reason, a lot of people think that's an appropriate question to ask. I was even asked last year by different teachers/aides of ds's... right in front of him! I think that's just adding fuel to his fire, as if he's sensing others think his family isn't complete because we don't have a baby. I've tried ignoring the question, I've tried answering with a simple "when the time is right" and other things but once ds hears someone else ask the question (anyone from a friend to the cashier at the grocery store) then it just ignites it in him again.

After I posted this dp shocked me by saying we might consider it long before I thought we would so..... yeah.... I'm a little in shock now. DP is just now realizing he's getting "old" and is going through a lot mentally with that (he just bought a "family friendly" car and is getting ready to sell his 2 door sports car, we're getting married in January, all his friends and co-workers are having babies, etc). He turns 30 in January and I think it's hitting him hard and he's decided he wants a baby sooner rather than later (goal was to wait until after May 2013 to deliver a baby- wouldn't mind being pregnant during school- because I would be done with my 4 year degree in May 2013. Now he's talking about just finishing my associates (will be done this May) and taking a year or so off from school (I want to be a SAHM for at least the first year of the baby's life). So.... ds might get his wish sooner than we planned! Of course, anything could happen and we might try for years before we get lucky (with ds I only had unprotected sex once ). The women in my family tend to be very fertile!

[New_Natural_Mom]

<Gag> to your DP about 30 being old! I can say this because I am 30. (Though I do feel old and it has hit me pretty hard...especially since my 30th b-day was sooooo disappointing and I realized that in 4 months I will be 31.)

Ok, time to cry.

I struggle with the thought of having another baby every day. I am scared that something will go wrong and I will die (had to have emergency c-sec with DS.) I am afraid this baby will be huge (DS was 10 lb 5 oz) b.c I heard babies get successively bigger. I don't really like babies and prefer the toddler stage. I don't want to take attention away from DS. I don't ever want to play or feel favorites like my MIL. I am getting tired of nursing...I didn't realize how long my nipples got until I pinched myself trying to roll over in bed...I'm a B cup...that shouldn't happen. I don't know if DS would like a sibling.

Ugh. Can you tell I agonize over this every day? I don't even want to try until next year when I hopefully finish my doctorate. I do feel like I am getting old and don't have much time left for a baby AND it took 2.5 years to conceive DS so there is that to factor in. DS has not yet asked for a sibling.

Did you follow that?

In any case, I would definitely put people on the defensive if they ask you about your plans...a confused, "Why do you ask?" can work wonders.

[Sharlla]

i can honestly say neither of my kids ever asked and they are 5.5 and 4.5 years apart. im not even sure what i would say, the thought never crossed my mind before. wow what a tough position to be in
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[Jacqui]

My son is only 10 months so obviously not asking for a sibling yet. But i can relate to being uncomfortable when other people ask. My husband and I have known for a long time we only want 1 child but when i tell this to other people they look at me like i have 3 heads?!

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom

<Gag> to your DP about 30 being old!

I have a feeling I'm partly to blame for dp feeling old... I'm younger than he is (I'm 26) so I tease him about being an old man

I am afraid this baby will be huge (DS was 10 lb 5 oz) b.c I heard babies get successively bigger.

I'm trying to think back to my mom.... she has 7 kids. I know I was her biggest (at almost 10 pounds). I was #3. I know #5 was just under 9 pounds. #6 was a peanut (6lb something ounces I think) and #7 was a little bigger than that. So if that's any comfort- they don't always get bigger! My mom went on to have 4 babies after me and all were smaller than I was!

My own ds was 8lb 14oz (at 39 weeks induced). I thought that was the perfect size. I worked in a daycare for years and these little 6 week old peanuts would come in that my ds could have eaten whole at that age and I always felt like I was going to break them I do much better with bigger babies (though I've learned not to buy a whole newborn sized wardrobe because I did last time (and took all tags off) and when he was born he didn't fit most anything. He didn't fit in newborn diapers either so all those went to waste). My dp was a peanut when he was born (5lb something ounces) so it'll be interesting to see what our genes (me at almost 10lb and dp at 5lb) mix to make a baby.... maybe even a normal sized 7lb baby

Ugh. Can you tell I agonize over this every day? I don't even want to try until next year when I hopefully finish my doctorate.

Your ds is still young too. I didn't even really entertain the thought of having another baby until the last year or so (so when ds was around 5-6). Coincidentally those thoughts started when ds started full day Kindergarten DS had/has special needs so all my energy was focused on him and I knew there was no way I could add another baby into the mix. Neither kid would have gotten the time/energy/focus they deserved. Now ds is doing remarkable AND he's in school full time (where he gets therapy too so his out of school therapy is minimal compared to where it was) and I'm just now getting to a point where I think we might be able to handle it. Then there are days where ds is having a rough time of it and I think "what?? I want to do this AGAIN?!?" LOL!

Oh, and the "why do you ask" question can backfire, as I learned. DS was going through a phase where he liked to hug by head-butting your stomach. He did it to me the most, but others got it sometimes. So I got to the school to pick him up one day and he head-butted me in the stomach. His para (aide) looked at me and said "you don't plan on having anymore kids, do you?". At first I didn't understand why he would ask so I responded with "maybe, why?". His response was a laugh and "that boy will kill anything growing in your stomach!". Not only a cruel thing to say, but a cruel thing for my ds to hear (thankfully I don't think he was paying attention). His para was a wonderful man, but lacked tact.

[rlandnl]

Steph,

I can relate to the special needs thing, my son is Asperger's, generalized anxiety and sensory processing disorder. I think that baby girl is not only a miracle since we weren't supposed to be able to conceive, but she came when she knew I could handle having two. We finally have DS diagnosed he's in a lot of therapy in and out of school, we have a great support system of clinicians behind us. If she had come 2 or 3 or 4 years ago who knows...

As for asking in front of DS MOST people at least in our families and close friends know we struggled with infertility and that DS was an IVF baby, so we didn't deal with it from them, but from strangers, it was answered one of two ways, depending on my mood that day, either we hope that someday we will have more, or we can't have any more. period. end of story. I found when you say that people stop asking lol

[Smokering]

One more question for all- how do you deal with other people asking you in front of your child if/when you're going to have more?

Sigh. We DO want to have more children, and are planning to TTC when DD turns three - which is hardly a huge age gap by MDC standards, but is apparently abnormal amongst our social circle. DD's currently just under 2.5, and she loves babies - points them out in the street, wants to look them up on the computer, carries her doll, etc. So of course, certain people we know find this hilarious proof that she wants another baby.

She has NEVER asked for another baby - I don't think she even grasps the concept. I've talked to her recently about babies growing in mummys' tummies, because her aunt and a few of my friends are pregnant; but she doesn't really get it (although she told me at one stage that she had a baby in her tummy!). She doesn't understand the concept of being a sister - I have five, but as far as she's concerned they're just aunts. She's TWO - she's smart and all, but really, it's beyond her.

Anyway, it annoys the heck out of me. I have very good reasons for waiting, and I don't particularly want to share them with random acquaintances. Nor do I want them putting ideas in her head - I'm not sure she even realises that I could have another baby. And no, the fact that she goes gaga over babies doesn't mean she has a fully-formed desire to share the milks (or give them up if I found the pain unbearable during pregnancy), give up the family bed, and otherwise accommodate her toddlery lifestyle for the sake of a tiny interloper. Heck, I go gaga over babies and I don't want another one right now!

So... aarrgh. I hate people implying I'm depriving her when she is absolutely content with her situation in life and unaware of any other options. Right now being around other people's babies and developing a positive attitude to them is the perfect situation for her - she's getting needs met that I may not be able to meet if I were pregnant or had another baby, and she's learning that babies are cute and fun and require gentle handling, which will hopefully stand her in good stead when I have another one.

I have to say, though, as someone with five siblings, I do feel very bad for onlies who beg for them. I know a child's preference shouldn't be the deciding factor in family size, it just seems kind of tragic.

[SweetPotato]

Our dd is 4.5 yo and often asks for a baby-- I figure it's kind of like if all her friends were getting puppies she'd probably ask for one of those, too! (actually, when my dh has asked her which she would choose, the puppy usually wins out!) We had been assuming that she would be an only, due in part to suffering through multiple miscarriages and prolonged bedrest- but also because we just felt FULL and content. It's only in the last couple of months that I suddenly feel a very strong desire to have another-- it's the topic of much discussion between dh and me. One thing that we've done with dd is to make a point of reading books and watching shows with one-child families--- it's AMAZING to me how pervasive the 2-3 child stereotype of a "family" is, and so I am very conscious of grabbing opportunities for her to see neat characters, famous people, and friends who don't have siblings. I'm also VERY determined that it not be presented as some sort of handicap, or something to be sad about-- there are many different kinds of families, and we're very happy and lucky to be the family we are I often tell her how lucky I am that I get to be HER mom-- and it's so sweet when she tells me now that she's the luckiest girl in the world because she has daddy and me

When dd has asked for a baby, I've occasionally done what a pp suggested and talked with her about all the fun things she would do with a baby. Then we also spend time with a much younger friend, and also with a friend's little baby-- I think the reality of a new baby not being an instant playmate is something that kids can easily forget. I also tell her that when she grows up she can choose to have as many babies as she wants, and that being HER mom is just perfect for me

[One_Girl]

When my dd went through this phase we talked about what having a sibling is like, both good and bad, and invited her friends over more often. What helped the most was babysitting a girl and boy who were siblings. The bickering and noise got on her nerves and she has decided she doesn't want a sibling. She likes the peace and quiet that we have and the one on one attention that she gets. She figured out very quickly that a sibling would make too much noise and take too much of my attention. She is also attended a story time where there were small siblings and she was very annoyed by the small kids and has said that she isn't having any kids of her own either.

When people ask if I am having more I tell them that I have a wonderful child and don't feel the need to have more. I am not planning on having more ever though because I don't feel like I need more so this may not be a good response if you know that you are going to have more soon. Maybe you could just say that you are enjoying this time with your son and will have more when you feel the time is right.

[Smithie]

To the OP: have a baby! have a baby!

(OK, hardly a mature response. But babies are something I find it very hard not to root for.)

My dc don't get the chance to ask for babies - we have just continued to produce them. We are done producing them biologically, but I have to tell you, it made a difference in our thinking when the older two asked for a big brother. It was part of our decision to adopt, and I think that it will be a factor in the success of the adoption that they requested the addition to the family and have persisted in wanting their brother for over a year now.

[RollerCoasterMama]

DS hasn't asked for me to have a baby. But he has a pretend baby sister. She gets up to all sorts of antics! It's not too weird because he also has two teenage half-brothers he's never met. If he's got invisible big brothers that are real...why not a pretend baby sister?

But, he's SUPER excited that we're going to help a friend have a baby. He knows her belly doesn't work to grow a baby so we're going to grow it in my belly for her. He can't wait! He wants to grow babies in his belly too and refuses to believe me that boys don't have the right equipment. :P I'm going to have to bring him along for an u/s appointment or something. He reeeeeeally wants to be there when the doctor puts the baby in my belly, but um, yeah, not so much.

BTW Steph...DS was a one-shot deal too! Dry spell of a YEAR! And my cycle was on vacation for 3 months. ONE TIME. And the next day I ovulated. Can you say fate???