5yr old socialization

[bbrandonsmom]

I'm so frustrated. What is everyone's take on "socialization" for a 5yr old? Dh is agreeing to h/s for a few years, though he believes eventually ds will fall behind public/private school students, especially in socialization. We will be joining a co op for class once a week this fall. We were having play dates 1-2x a week, but we fell apart from the one family, and with school being out, the other child goes to her aunts w/ her siblings, so the play has been a little light this summer. But, dh thinks ds is already behind in socialization. I don't get that. The only kids I know who are around other kids daily, are in camp or daycare at his age, or entering kindy. So how is he behind? Because we don't have play dates every other day?
I really believe kids should get their main socialization from family and close friend structure, not having a play date all the time with many different kids. He's far too young to go run off around the neighborhood with other kids-and there aren't any his age anyhow around our house. We're always going to have to go to another child's home or have them over, or meet some place for play.
I went to daycare as a child, and made no friends until late elem school. None of us lived near each other, and then at school it was the same thing. It wasn't until my dad had to switch daycares, that I met some girls w/ common interest and who lived a few streets away. By that time though, we were old enough to walk to each others homes. I'm just not getting the whole "school socialization" deal. My dh was lucky enough to grow up with boys his age living right near him he could play with. That's just not our reality right now.
Sorry for the "vent". I'm just frustrated with the "behind socialization" thing. Grrrr.

[RiverSky]

Well, by five years of age, both of my children had a wide range of friends. We had been very active in MOMS Club for years (2 park days or field trips a week, plus we'd invite 3 or 4 moms over for a playdate on Fridays), had neighbors and cousins to play with, went to story time every week at the library, etc.

Once DS was 6 and DD was 3 1/2, we joined a homeschool group (DS went to PS kindergarten) and started going to the weekly park days and monthly field trips, as well as having private playgroups (hosting and go to others' houses) on occasion, and took the children to a weekly Kindermusik class and library events/storytimes/crafts.

Both of them had best friends by the ages of 3 or 4, perhaps because they had had so many friends, that they had the time and experience to pick and choose and really find that special friend that really clicked with them.

I don't think that this much socializing is necessary for a toddler or 5 year old, but I think it's very nice for both the children and surprisingly, the mom, too! Since we also went to family potluck events with our MOMS Club and homeschool group, DH actually made a few friends, too. DH really got to know our children's friends and see how many children they got to interact with and certainly, it never occurred to him, ever, to think that our children were lacking in social skills.

Are you members of a homeschool group? Do you go to most of their events, field trips, park days?

[elus0814]

I agree with you that socializing for a five year old means close relationships with family members or very nearby friends. It does not mean the parent must act as the cruise director and planning playdates and outing every day or two.

My five year old has one set social activity per week, girl scouts, but will have one more starting in the fall. My four year old has none since there are no structured opportunities for him. They usually have a playdate once every 2-3 weeks but they do play with neighbors who live across the street and next door a couple times per week.

We just don't have many activities with kids outside the family (and no family within driving distance). Part of this may be that I have two who are close enough in age to be each other's best friend. Another part could be that we have several children immediately around our house for them to play with. A third part could be that I am just not all that social and I find it difficult to set up get togethers. Yet another factor could be that we move with the military frequently and I don't want to encourage my kids to form super close friendships that will inevitably have to stop (I wouldn't stop them from forming these relationships but I choose not to encourage it).

I think you would be doing just fine to plan one social activity per week and go from there. If your child keeps asking for more chances to socalize then you can add them in but if they seem content with it then keep it at that.

[pigpokey]

I can think of some schooled kids I'd like to spend some time socializing.

[Smithie]

"I agree with you that socializing for a five year old means close relationships with family members or very nearby friends. It does not mean the parent must act as the cruise director and planning playdates and outing every day or two."



You can tell you DH that some lady on the internet with a 6 y.o., a 4 y.o. and a 1 y.o. seriously regrets the time and effort (and in many cases, money) that she put into deliberate attempts at socialization with the oldest one. Her kids have friends and activities, but they don't NEED them at this stage. What they need is each other and their parents and grandparents and to be allowed to pursue interests that will naturally lead to them form friendships with their peers.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by pigpokey

I can think of some schooled kids I'd like to spend some time socializing.

And I can tell you I've met lots of homeschooled kids who needed more.

[laohaire]

It's strange to think of someone as being "behind" on socialization. It makes me wonder if someone who says that knows what socialization means.

Is your son unsocialized? Is he unable to communicate with and get along with others?

Or is your husband thinking there's some sort of baseline, maybe a "test"? Like, by age 5 a kid should be able to resolve 50% of toy squabbles on his own? And maybe your son is "behind" because he can only resolve 40% of squabbles on his own? Of course that's even silly to think about because the other child in the equation is a major factor.

Anyway, I just don't really understand the concept. My DD is homeschooled, and she's excellently socialized. She is friendly, kind, able to converse and willing to cooperate with others. That's just how she is "out of the box" so to say. Will homeschooling make her get "behind" on that? Will she, by virtue of being homeschooled, eventually fall "behind" and become unfriendly, unkind, nonverbal and unwilling to cooperate? Frankly it boggles my mind.

I would also be curious to know what it is about public school that makes it the best place for "socialization." Is there a class on it? Are children encouraged to interact with each other during class hours? (I thought they were supposed to "pay attention" to the teacher and lesson, but maybe things have changed and there is a new curriculum on socialization). Are the presence of bullies shown to make children friendlier, more open, more helpful, and have higher self-esteem? Are children better socialized when they segregated strictly by age, and never needing contact with those older or younger than themselves?

Ah, I'll stop, I'll stop...

[LuxPerpetua]

I'm another hs-ing mama who is SO sick of hearing gripes about socialization. I just got told today that I'm making my 4 yo child a dependent, anti-social wimp because I refuse to force her to take a once a week gymnastics class. The person who told me this was a friend and was trying to help in her own way, and I appreciate that, but still it is so frustrating. So, I feel your pain.

Have you read Hold On To Your Kids? If you haven't it really is a MUST read in regard to AP and hs-ing. It addresses these kinds of "socialization" issues, and is written by a child psychologist so perhaps that would have enough "authority" behind it to sway your dh.

[laohaire]

Interestingly, Hold On To Your Kids isn't even pro-homeschooling. Not rabidly anti-, but just not a cheerleader for it. However, his comments about homeschooling and socialization make the typical comments you hear seem absurd. Well, they seem absurd because they are.

[caefi]

my 5yo doesn't like people. Really. He punches them.
My other 5yos just made friends in the places we went and we went to the same places all the time. They have all had their different ways and ideas about what a friend is, though.