How do I stop the hitting?? I cannot find a solution!

[kdescalzi]

I mamas,

My 3.5yr old ds is a hitter. He was not always like this but started once his sister was born. I understand that some children hit for attention or out of jealousy and we are trying to find a way to prevent him from acting out this way. I do not know what kind of disciplinary measures to take. He hits is best buddy who is also 3.5yrs old. This friend of his is super sensitive and really cries and is very upset after my son hits him...which I understand. How can I stop the hitting?? I have gotten to the point where I do not know if we can hang out anymore.....which is very hard because me and his mom and very close. It is not that he hits constantly, but will hit him a couple times in an afternoon together. Please, please help me with some tips to stop this behaviour!

[kdescalzi]

Please help!!

Maybe a good book rec. regarding hitting etc would be greatly appreciated!

[Callimom]

Can you see a pattern as to when it is happening? Is there a certain circumstance or situation that sparks it?

I think I would try to prevent rather than discipline these situations.
So for our family that would be
~ lots of talk beforehand about what is appropriate,
~ putting a plan in place (if friend does this you could do this this and this)
~ giving them words to use in the moment, ie I am frustrated!
~ during play watching for clues that the situation or the emotion is coming on so you can intervene before the hitting,
~ doing some under the radar "time ins" or check ins while playing with the friend where you call him over for a snack and a cuddle, or sit down beside him and ask how the play is going and then use that opportunity to connect and center him and give him some recognition and reminders.
~ Keep visits short with lots of outside space if you can while you navigate this phase.

After a hitting episode I would
1) apologize to the child on behalf of your son as the first course of action
2) reinforce family rules with your child (ie use our words not our hands)
3) discuss how he feels, how his friend feels and brainstorm other ways he could have handled the situation
4) help him talk to his friend and apologize and reengage (or if its all fallen apart head home and try again another time)

As a general parenting note, it is hard hard hard when there is a new sibling in the mix. I think the usualy strategies of regular one on one time with a parent, lots of talking about empathy, a regular routine, relying on family rules as a guide - all those things can help you navigate it but sometimes it is just time that makes the difference.

good luck
Karen

[BellaClaudia]

tickle.
when he wants to hit you go after him and tickle him.

He needs some attantion. They love tickles.

[JamieCatheryn]

What we did with DS1 was to catch his hand before he could hit if possible. He's strong but under 4 years old they're easy enough to stop if you are quick enough. Then we'd tell him no, that hitting hurts and is not acceptable, then make his take some time to cool down where we can watch him, ask him to apologize and forgive him, then we meet his needs he was acting out on or divert him to something else. Repeat over and over and over until it mostly stops. Now if he tantrums at all it's throwing stuff away from people or throwing pillows at people, not so bad (still make him quit and chill out though).