My mom filed for divorce from her husband almost three years ago. It's still dragging on, with no end in sight, and I don't know how much more I can take.
I know this sounds so selfish, but I'm really at the end of my rope.
Here's a quick and dirty backstory: My mom had a pretty horrific childhood and has a history of bad decision-making. She never married my dad (a good guy, though not her "type") after getting pg with me at 18. She stayed with my brother's dad (an abusive alcoholic) for 15 years. Ten years ago she married stbx. My brother and I didn't like him, didn't think he was a good guy, and didn't go to their wedding. Fast forward a few years and turns out we are right - he's a controlling UAV who hates us. Mom filed for divorce after years of emotional abuse and unhappiness with stbx (who also hit my brother) asking to split assets 50/50. Stbx contested the terms, saying she should get nothing. In the last three years he developed a very nasty crack addiction (he was an addict before marrying my mom, though she didn't know that).
They just had another hearing in which he lied about a bunch of things. He's taken equity out of the house (which they owned outright) without my mother's knowledge or consent and sold off assets he was not supposed to. He threatens her every day. He intimidates her - some examples include moving his convicted rapist brother into the house, waking her in the middle of the night by putting a tooth he pried out of his mouth into her hand, and most recently, waking her at night to tell her that his mother was taking her bed back right then (his mom gave them a spare bed 10 years ago, which my mom has been sleeping on in my brother's old room since stbx broke into her room in the middle of the night a few months ago and said he was sleeping there whether she liked it or not).
At the hearing, stbx asked that my mother be removed from the home, since she was the one who filed for divorce. In an effort to appear reasonable, my mom's lawyer asked that they both stay, split the bills and that no drugs or alcohol be allowed on the premises until the house is sold. Stbx is unemployed and his unemployment is about to run out. Even with UI, he has not always paid his HELOC and my mother has covered the bills. She is petrified that if she leaves the house he will stop paying the HELOC and taxes and she won't be able to afford to, and they will lose the house. (The house is currently on the market, but very difficult to show as stbx is smoking crack all the time. He has never cleaned it, ever.)
On the other hand, I'm having panic attacks that if she stays he will hurt or kill her. He is very angry that she is trying to take his house away (as he sees it). In addition, he already owes about 50% of the house's value in the HELOC (which he used for drugs) and his lawyer's fees. On the one hand, fighting for what she believes is hers is a big step for her - she agreed to give her last husband everything in exchange for custody of my brother, though she was entitled to much more - but at what cost?? She thinks I'm overreacting, that he wouldn't do anything like that, but she did admit that he has way more than half the traits shared by men who hurt/kill their partners listed in The Gift of Fear. I don't think he is willing to walk away with nothing when all is said and done.
After the hearing on Monday (at which she hoped everything would finally be settled) I felt like I could barely breathe. My heart raced all day and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I was up all night with nightmares. I talk to her every day and I'm starting to feel like I just can't take any more. Every day he's done something new and I am panicked about that day she doesn't pick up her phone. I'm almost 37 weeks pregnant, and I'm worried that I'm giving over too much mental and emotional space to her problems, which I can't fix. I've offered to let her move in with us (we live 500 miles away) but I can't really do anything. On the other hand, she doesn't have anyone else and I can't just abandon her. How do I find the space to give her the ear she needs but not let it affect me so much? Is it possible?
I know this sounds so selfish, but I'm really at the end of my rope.
Here's a quick and dirty backstory: My mom had a pretty horrific childhood and has a history of bad decision-making. She never married my dad (a good guy, though not her "type") after getting pg with me at 18. She stayed with my brother's dad (an abusive alcoholic) for 15 years. Ten years ago she married stbx. My brother and I didn't like him, didn't think he was a good guy, and didn't go to their wedding. Fast forward a few years and turns out we are right - he's a controlling UAV who hates us. Mom filed for divorce after years of emotional abuse and unhappiness with stbx (who also hit my brother) asking to split assets 50/50. Stbx contested the terms, saying she should get nothing. In the last three years he developed a very nasty crack addiction (he was an addict before marrying my mom, though she didn't know that).
They just had another hearing in which he lied about a bunch of things. He's taken equity out of the house (which they owned outright) without my mother's knowledge or consent and sold off assets he was not supposed to. He threatens her every day. He intimidates her - some examples include moving his convicted rapist brother into the house, waking her in the middle of the night by putting a tooth he pried out of his mouth into her hand, and most recently, waking her at night to tell her that his mother was taking her bed back right then (his mom gave them a spare bed 10 years ago, which my mom has been sleeping on in my brother's old room since stbx broke into her room in the middle of the night a few months ago and said he was sleeping there whether she liked it or not).
At the hearing, stbx asked that my mother be removed from the home, since she was the one who filed for divorce. In an effort to appear reasonable, my mom's lawyer asked that they both stay, split the bills and that no drugs or alcohol be allowed on the premises until the house is sold. Stbx is unemployed and his unemployment is about to run out. Even with UI, he has not always paid his HELOC and my mother has covered the bills. She is petrified that if she leaves the house he will stop paying the HELOC and taxes and she won't be able to afford to, and they will lose the house. (The house is currently on the market, but very difficult to show as stbx is smoking crack all the time. He has never cleaned it, ever.)
On the other hand, I'm having panic attacks that if she stays he will hurt or kill her. He is very angry that she is trying to take his house away (as he sees it). In addition, he already owes about 50% of the house's value in the HELOC (which he used for drugs) and his lawyer's fees. On the one hand, fighting for what she believes is hers is a big step for her - she agreed to give her last husband everything in exchange for custody of my brother, though she was entitled to much more - but at what cost?? She thinks I'm overreacting, that he wouldn't do anything like that, but she did admit that he has way more than half the traits shared by men who hurt/kill their partners listed in The Gift of Fear. I don't think he is willing to walk away with nothing when all is said and done.
After the hearing on Monday (at which she hoped everything would finally be settled) I felt like I could barely breathe. My heart raced all day and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I was up all night with nightmares. I talk to her every day and I'm starting to feel like I just can't take any more. Every day he's done something new and I am panicked about that day she doesn't pick up her phone. I'm almost 37 weeks pregnant, and I'm worried that I'm giving over too much mental and emotional space to her problems, which I can't fix. I've offered to let her move in with us (we live 500 miles away) but I can't really do anything. On the other hand, she doesn't have anyone else and I can't just abandon her. How do I find the space to give her the ear she needs but not let it affect me so much? Is it possible?
That's unfortunate, because this sounds like one of those instances where walking away would be the very best thing to do. She'd be free and safe and done with him. 
