Help friend pregnant after being raped

[farmkids42morrow]

I don't really know where to post this, so I'm starting here - if this isn't the place...sorry!

One of my friends is going through a terrible experience right now and I'm looking for some advice on how to help her. She was raped several weeks ago and recently found out that she became pregnant as a result. She is not going to abort the baby. I want SO much to help her but am desperately afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and making her anguish worse. Any help or words of advice would be very much appreciated.

[myk]

i went through this. i ended up m/cing but really, what i would have wanted is for everyone to forget the how's and why's and celebrate the fact that a new life was being created.

i'm sorry such a terrible thing happened to her.

[nova22]

You sound like a great friend...I have never been in your situation or her's, but I would imagine that you could simply help her through the pregnancy, offer to go to appointments with her if you have that kind of relationship, maybe throw her a shower.

[ecky]

what a difficult situation...i can't even imagine...

i used to work for a rape crisis center and i know that they ran special trainings for doulas and midwifes specifically to deal with victims of sexual assault because there are many issues that can come up during the birthing process.

you might want to try to call your local rape crisis center and see if they have any resources or places they can refer you for info or specialized help. they might know of doulas or midwives who have the training and background to assist your friend with the sensitivity she will need.

you are a fabulous friend!!!

[LROM]

I second the idea of calling your local rape crisis center and finding out what services/support groups they have, and then offer that info to your friend. Maybe even offer to attend with her if that would help her.

Also, has she had any other counseling for what happened? I understand the PP's point that she wished people would have forgotten the how's of how she got pg and focused on celebrating the new life, but having worked with other women who have become pregnant through rape/incest, I can tell you that a LOT of those women were so traumatized by how they got pregnant, they had really conflicting feelings during the pregnancy about the baby and it was really helpful for them to have a place/people to process that with.

Also, as another PP said, there are also issues that often come up during labor/birth for sexual assault survivors and your friend should have that info too.

You sound like a great friend - on top of all the other advice I'd also say just ask your friend "What do you need? What would be helpful for you?" and listen. That all by itself is often what a friend in need needs most.

Best of luck!

[FarrenSquare]

Wow, you truly are a fabulous friend. Definitely tell her that you are there to support her anyway she needs and ask her - "What do you need from me right now?" She might not have anything to say for a while, but keep being there and keep asking and she will appreciate it.

If she is venting to you and you want her to know that you are actively listening but afraid of saying the wrong thing, the best thing you can do is avoid prying questions and echo the things she says (ie: "I hear you saying that you are feeling so __ right now" or "You have every right to feel ___ about this").

[dakotablue]

My cousin had this happen. She has a beautiful little girl who is the absolute light of her life. She said she wanted something out of love after so much ugliness.

I think your friend is wonderful (I was in the position in HS, but had an early m/c I would have given the baby up for adoption)

Just offer to lend an ear and ask what she wants and treat her like she is making a great decision and the great person it sounds like she is. At some point the child becomes themselves not the incident. It took my cousin until she was around 7 months pregnant to feel connected. Also, she said it helped when people (after a while) stopped reminding her what happened and were just happy for her.

[Arduinna]

no experience but I just wanted to say you are a wonderful friend to support her in this.

[CherryBomb]

I'm so sorry your friend was raped. Just try to follow her cues and support her. It might take her awhile to feel connected to the baby, but don't be afraid to ask her how the pregnancy is going and things like that.

[dakotablue]

sorry double post

[BunnySlippers]

You could ask her what she is feeling and ask what she expects from you (like unconditional support, or advice, or whatever).

If she is planning to keep the baby then i would start with focusing on the gift of life.

[rootzdawta]

Moved from "I'm Pregnant" to "Personal Growth".

[Theia]

I actually dated a man who was a result of such a situation. I agree with what has already been said. Offer your friend support in any way she wishes. Let her know that her child does not have to be a reflection of it's conception. My DD was conceived through abuse. Different, but similar. She is beautiful and amazing. Children have so much potential, how we view and love them (IMO) makes a huge difference on the person they become.

You are a good friend and your friend is fortunate to have such an aware person available to support them. Let your friend know you are going to be there for her after the birth through those crazy rough first few months of transitioning to parenthood. It would have helped me to have support during that time.

[farmkids42morrow]

Thanks everyone. I guess the message I'm getting is that just being there is more important than what I might say or do. I hope I'm able to give her the support she needs. I have a large family, all of my children were conceived during a supportive marriage and still being pregnant was stressful. I cannot even imagine being single, being raped, and being pregnant and having to deal with it alone. That is just too much to ask someone to bear. That is why I want to reach out to her. Becoming a mother was a life changing and empowering event for me and each of my children are my life's most cherished blessings and I want to find a way to help her get through the trauma so that she can embrace her beautiful child with only love in her heart. She is getting counseling which I'm sure will help more than anything.

Thanks so much for all of the replies!

[meemee]

instead of thinking of her as a friend who was raped and is preg nant

think of her as a friend who is pregnant and about to have a baby.

go from there. give her a hug, and tell her how hurt you are that she wes raped and never bring it up again until she wants to.

one of your friends is having a baby. yippeee!!!! the first thing i do is buy a pair of bootees and first shoes to congratulate. it always melts their hearts.

[mum4vr]

been there

My beautiful beautiful son (now 17) was conceived this way, and I agree w the PPs.

Just a few additional notes-- do let the child be himself/ herself and not a reflection on how he/ she came to be.

If mom is keeping baby, gently celebrate with her. The first one to congratulate me literally took my breath away, and we cried tears of joy together (albeit this occured during a jewelry art class )

Remember that others who do not know what happened may judge her for having a child out of wedlock, and she may take flack for it from family/ community/ whomever, and it may cut her deeply, even years from now-- just be prepared to listen to her pain then as well as now.

You're the BEST BFF ever-- I had a few who are/ were a lot like you who loved me through it!

[midnightwriter]

Originally Posted by meemee

instead of thinking of her as a friend who was raped and is preg nant

think of her as a friend who is pregnant and about to have a baby.

go from there. give her a hug, and tell her how hurt you are that she wes raped and never bring it up again until she wants to.

one of your friends is having a baby. yippeee!!!! the first thing i do is buy a pair of bootees and first shoes to congratulate. it always melts their hearts.

I've never been raped, but I can imagine myself being traumatized by such a reaction. I can imagine myself accepting the baby and making peace with my life, making the best out of it, but it is not a yippeeeeeeee situation, kwim? I'd perceive what you are saying as quite insensitive. Sorry.

[HeliMom]

If she'd like to keep the baby maybe suggest to her the book "When survivors give birth" I found it helpful. I also did Hypnotherapy which I found extremely helpful during the pain of crowning. The actual birth was something that I was afraid would trigger my PTSD.



Make absolutely sure she has a doula that she has a good rapport with and heavily encourage her to go the midwife route. Nothing was so comforting to me as when I cried out "I'm scared" and there were loving words from someone I trusted.

Give her what ever support you think you can, for you all

ETA: I did not give birth to a child conceived during rape, but I'd rather not tell my story on here just yet. I hope my post was helpful

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

You need to forget about the rape. Don't bring it up unless she does. Let her win back some control over the situation. Your friend is having a baby. There are LOTS of single mothers, she can do this just fine. Just be there for her as a friend, like any other friend you might have who is pregnant.

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Originally Posted by farmkids42morrow

I cannot even imagine being single, being raped, and being pregnant and having to deal with it alone. That is just too much to ask someone to bear. That is why I want to reach out to her.

It is not too much to bear.