Follow her lead... she may need to talk about it with someone, she may not. Let her have control over that.
I've been there. It was a horrific experience. Honestly there were three reactions I got from people that made it worse. One was being told that I "had" to abort the baby or that they thought I "should" abort the baby. That is an incredibly personal decision and it did not help me at all to hear it from others that they thought I should. FWIW I am extremely pro choice, my decision to parent my child was just that, a thoughtful decision, a choice, my choice.
Next was being told that I had to or should place the baby for adoption or conversely that I had to or should parent the child. Again, my choice. Unless she asks for opinions (and fwiw she may change her mind back and forth or doubt her choice to parent if that is her choice, that is normal and OK and she needs support in whatever she chooses).
The third was being told by people that they couldn't have done what I did... It didn't make me feel strong it made me feel angry, because I didn't get a choice. Win, lose or draw there was no choice for me to have to go through it. Yes I did make choices about what to do after I was pregnant, but I didn't choose to get raped and I didn't choose to get pregnant, and when you are in that situation you do just have to do what you have to do.
All that being said I really strongly second the recommendation for "When Survivors Give Birth" by Simkin and Klaus I believe. I wish I had read it before I delivered my son... I was not at all prepared for how triggering his birth was going to be for me.
She may have fears that don't seem rational to you during her pregnancy or labour/delivery/postpartum that relate to the trauma she went through. Support her through those, don't minimize them. When I was pregnant I was absolutely terrified of having a boy. Not just I preferred a girl, I was actually terrified of having a boy. I was so scared that I would deliver a boy that looked just like *him* and that I would have a daily reminder forever. I had people tell me I was being ridiculous, I would see... a boy was just as good as a girl. That hurt. A lot. I ended up having a boy and the first words out of my mouth when he was born were "He looks just like Stuart!" (my brother, who also looks a lot like me). He did, and it was the hugest relief for me. Having a boy has been fine for me, he is a delight, and if I have a whole house full of boys I will be thrilled. But I did not appreciate at all having my fears trivialized or mocked.
Finally I would say to you remember that as difficult as going through a rape is, and how difficult the decisions she is facing now are... if she chooses to parent this child is going to be a normal every day mother for the rest of her child's life. It has been almost five years since I was raped. My beautiful son will be four at the end of this month and it is rare for me to even think about how he was conceived. I have done a lot of work in counselling and a lot of personal work to get here. But he is "what happened to me", he is my son. He is no different than my second son (or the third I am currently gestating) except when it comes to knowing medical history (which comes up for him because he has some chronic health issues). Some people in my world know how he was conceived, some don't... and it doesn't and shouldn't effect how anyone treats him. He is just a little boy who plays and loves and lives like any other little almost four year old boy.
Good luck to your friend
I've been there. It was a horrific experience. Honestly there were three reactions I got from people that made it worse. One was being told that I "had" to abort the baby or that they thought I "should" abort the baby. That is an incredibly personal decision and it did not help me at all to hear it from others that they thought I should. FWIW I am extremely pro choice, my decision to parent my child was just that, a thoughtful decision, a choice, my choice.
Next was being told that I had to or should place the baby for adoption or conversely that I had to or should parent the child. Again, my choice. Unless she asks for opinions (and fwiw she may change her mind back and forth or doubt her choice to parent if that is her choice, that is normal and OK and she needs support in whatever she chooses).
The third was being told by people that they couldn't have done what I did... It didn't make me feel strong it made me feel angry, because I didn't get a choice. Win, lose or draw there was no choice for me to have to go through it. Yes I did make choices about what to do after I was pregnant, but I didn't choose to get raped and I didn't choose to get pregnant, and when you are in that situation you do just have to do what you have to do.
All that being said I really strongly second the recommendation for "When Survivors Give Birth" by Simkin and Klaus I believe. I wish I had read it before I delivered my son... I was not at all prepared for how triggering his birth was going to be for me.
She may have fears that don't seem rational to you during her pregnancy or labour/delivery/postpartum that relate to the trauma she went through. Support her through those, don't minimize them. When I was pregnant I was absolutely terrified of having a boy. Not just I preferred a girl, I was actually terrified of having a boy. I was so scared that I would deliver a boy that looked just like *him* and that I would have a daily reminder forever. I had people tell me I was being ridiculous, I would see... a boy was just as good as a girl. That hurt. A lot. I ended up having a boy and the first words out of my mouth when he was born were "He looks just like Stuart!" (my brother, who also looks a lot like me). He did, and it was the hugest relief for me. Having a boy has been fine for me, he is a delight, and if I have a whole house full of boys I will be thrilled. But I did not appreciate at all having my fears trivialized or mocked.
Finally I would say to you remember that as difficult as going through a rape is, and how difficult the decisions she is facing now are... if she chooses to parent this child is going to be a normal every day mother for the rest of her child's life. It has been almost five years since I was raped. My beautiful son will be four at the end of this month and it is rare for me to even think about how he was conceived. I have done a lot of work in counselling and a lot of personal work to get here. But he is "what happened to me", he is my son. He is no different than my second son (or the third I am currently gestating) except when it comes to knowing medical history (which comes up for him because he has some chronic health issues). Some people in my world know how he was conceived, some don't... and it doesn't and shouldn't effect how anyone treats him. He is just a little boy who plays and loves and lives like any other little almost four year old boy.
Good luck to your friend
I'm so sorry that so many of you have been in this situation.
