Just found out my new nephew was circd

[cristeen]

I'm banging my head against the wall here. I sent the mom to be half a dozen books (none specifically on circ, but i know it was discussed in at least one of them), and from everything i can surmise she didn't read even one of them. I was the first in my family to have a child, so i shared my research w her. And i found out the other night that they circd him.

I know this is a matter of mom doing whatever dad wanted, since thats the type of relationship they have. But im so distraught for my poor nephew. I can sigh and shrug over the birth choices, but circ is not so easy for me to dismiss.

I'm so tempted to respond to his FB post where he brags about the fact they circd. I know i'm not the only one who's had to deal with these feelings... How'd you do it?

[lynsage]

BRAGGING?! I think that would put me over the edge and I would have to say something- and I NEVER say anything to my friends and family about those kinds of decisions.

[buckeyedoc]

He bragged on FB? That's just sick! I would comment, too, about how it is a serious surgery and not really funny.

FWIW, my nephews (7 of them) are ALL circumcised. Five were born before DH and I ever had children, so the topic never came up. After we had sons, DH tried to talk his brother out of having the last two boys circumcised, but his brother didn't want them to be "different" from the older ones. Once in a while, my sons will take a bath with some of my nephews, and it just makes me sad to see those little cut guys.

[mama24-7]

it's tough. i can't give any advice though...when i tried to get SIL to just read one thing about it, she quickly became defensive & has basically ignored me since. now, there's no love loss for me either, but still.

some people are going to do what they want, regardless of what is best for their children, unfortunately. it is tough to stand by & watch. i expect to be in your shoes for the next couple of months - there's 2 baby boys expected between now & early fall.

sus

[mamasgirls]

I'm sorry My newly married brother's wife just found out she is pregnant. She told my mom today that if it is a boy my brother wants him circ'd so "He looks just like him" My mom knows how much of an intactavist I have become and she is even at the point of wishing she wouldn't have had my brothers circ'd. She said she will talk to my brother, but who knows what will happen. I hate that it is even a choice allowed for people to make. It isn't even an informed decision- it is just because. They have no idea what they will be taking away from him or the risks that are associated. My mom and I can plant the seeds. I am really hoping the baby turns out to be a girl.

[elanorh]

I'm sorry. We just had the same realization.

My SIL has a weird relationship with me (hot and cold) - she sees me as a bit of an authority figure and sometimes will do the opposite of us, just to kind of rebel I guess? So I learned long ago to be very low-key about any advice, and not pushy. When she was pregnant with her first, I sent her a casual email with some links (to the AAP statement etc.) about circumcision and said to definitely research what she would do, it's a big decision. All the links were to "it's not medically necessary" sort of statements, nothing really strongly intactivist because I was afraid she'd decide to 'rebel' if I was pushy and was hoping she'd read it and decide not to circ.

So, they circ'd. When he was *2 weeks old.* Don't ask me why that was the appropriate time, I have no idea. So, so sad for him.

I cried in the car on the way home, and this is what I'm telling myself now:

1. I think I did my best to create a situation where she could inform herself without feeling compelled to rebel against me (soft-sell). I couldn't have not said anything because I know she would have circ'd for sure, but what I did was the approach I think most likely to have caused her to rethink circ. I did what I could.

2. They love him - and if this is the most abuse he suffers in his life, then he's luckier than many little boys out there unfortunately. They'll give him lots of opportunities and love ....

It still really, really sucks. Dh and I have been debating whether we can afford to have another child, and if we did, and it was a boy, he would be the only intact boy on both sides of our family.

ETA: It's probably because I'm upset about my nephew, but I really would like to have the "look like Daddy" conversation with someone right now. I would tell them that since very few people would see his privates, we'd decided to leave him intact and just give him a gnarly mountainbike scar on his calf and ankle - then everyone would know he "looked like Daddy" all summer while they're both in shorts. Grrrrrrr.