Toys and Privilege - Page 2

[K1329]

Baskets are your friend.


I agree - baskets, organizers, shelves, etc. Make sure each toy has a "home"!

Like journeymom, my dd is resistant to getting rid of ANYTHING. It's really frustrating. I've talked to her about letting the item be available to the less fortunate, we've gone together to donate items, talked to her about space constraints, etc. Dd, to me, seems way too attached to her belongings. Including her in the process has been crucial, here. The first time, she could only part with a few items. The next time, a few more, and so on. I think, at 7, she is also understanding that her room has only so much space to store things. We're getting there.

For cleaning, we do it at least once a day and it involves me and the two kids working together. If someone doesn't want to help, we don't move on to the next activity until they help out. Usually, "dangling the carrot" works with my kids. We can't go to your friend's house/have a snack, whatever, until we clean the living room.

[Owen'nZoe]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

Do you only feel this way about toys? Or do you keep all the clothing, ect. that your children have outgrown, because it would be insensitive? Do you keep every single one of your kids' school papers/drawings no matter what, even if they they are ripped or otherwise not taken care of?

Culling when you have an overabundance of things, and allowing those things to be used and enjoyed by others, doesn't just make MY life "easier"--it gives my children breathing room and allow them to care for their things and then pass them on responsibly, so they don't just hoard stuff for the sake of having it.

This makes sense, but I think it probably also depends on how much space one has. My boys share a small room with one closet that must fit all of their clothes and toys. It is not a lot of space at all. Rotating toys works well for us. When things are truly outgrown, they get passed on to younger cousins. In the past, I culled the toys on my own, but now they help, which is great!

Clothes get stored as well - clothes that are off season, as well as clothes that have been outgrown and are waiting to go to a younger cousin (who lives in a small apartment with no storage, so we store the clothes for him until his mom needs them). After he is done with them, they are gone.

I get what you are saying, but sometimes it does make sense to store and rotate!

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Tjej

Visionary Mom - I store toys instead of getting rid of them because they are for different ages/stages and because I want to honor the giver by using their lovingly chosen appropriate gift, BUT we don't have enough space to handle all those lovingly chosen gifts at once. I understand that culling brutally would make my life easier in some ways, but I also think it would be insensitive to my children (whose toys they ARE) and to the givers.

Tjej

If you're planning to have more children, I can understand storing toys to pull out for use later. It just seems, though, that if you're constantly storing and rotating, you should get rid of things. We stick to toys that work really well with great imaginations and for long periods of time - Legos, other types of blocks, dress up clothes. My kids have played with those toys for *years* and still love them. Other things, ime, just don't get played with as often, so while my mom really may have thought my daughter would enjoy the Dora doll she got her, she simply doesn't. (Actually I haven't donated Dora yet, but she's on my list.)

We have plenty of space. The issue for me is about clutter and ease. Rotating toys just seems like more than I want to do. I want to find spots for toys and keep them there, not end up in an endless cycle of rotation.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by journeymom

My daughter was traumatized the time she realized I had been 'ruthlessly' culling her stuff (like I figured was normal), including clothes, drawings, even wads of tissues on her bedroom floor.

Hoarding can be a sign of emotional problems. Being upset about throwing away tissues is a red flag that something is off.

One of my kids is on the autism spectrum and hoarding is a subset of her issues. I cull her things. She handles it best when she isn't involved in the process and when I rearrange things so that it is less obvious what is gone. She thinks more clearly and does better over all when her space isn't a cluttered mess, but she is incapable of doing this for herself and finds the process unsettling.

Even she is gradually catching on. Even a kid with special needs can learn to do this.

[QUOTE=Tjej;15706923]

because I want to honor the giver by using their lovingly chosen appropriate gift,

Are all these things truly "lovingly chosen appropriate gifts"?

It was my experience that when we had a lot of toy clutter, that wasn't the case. A lot of it was just crap. My mom always bought way to much stuff, and she often bought really cheap things.

If something doesn't bless my family, it doesn't belong in my home, even if it was a gift.

I understand that culling brutally would make my life easier in some ways, but I also think it would be insensitive to my children (whose toys they ARE) and to the givers.

If what you are doing is working for you, great, but when a mom reaches this point:

Originally Posted by pampered_mom

I've postponed my desires for years now so that the babies and children come first. I've been happy to do so, but I'm finding it more difficult as time goes on. I need for my voice to count too..

It's time to get rid of stuff. Putting our children first doesn't mean that we need to hold on to everything they've ever owned. Raising our children to believe that their toys are more important than we are is teaching them a VERY harmful lesson.

At some point, you are going to have to get rid of stuff, or keep buying a bigger house every couple of years. The question really isn't whether or not you will get rid of stuff, it's how much and when, and how to talk to your kids about it.

You really aren't going to be able to store everything forever.

[Tjej]

Tigerchild and VisionaryMom - You're preaching to the choir. I'm an avid minimalizer for kids toys.

I personally HAVE donated a lot of toys, BUT I don't think I've "brutally" culled, and I DO keep the things that were important to the giver/my child. That is why we have a rotation and not just what fits in the play area.

We don't really have a problem. Well, I do have a problem of the Little People toys. I was going to donate them all to the church nursery (because my kids didn't want to get RID of them, but they could use them there and they'd be happy with that), but the person re-doing the nursery didn't get back to me on it and now I have to figure out if I can do that. Other than the Little people, I do feel I've done a good job of culling and rotating, especially since we aren't sure if we are done.

We have mostly imaginative toys and for the rotating it is duplos for a few weeks then regular wooden blocks for a few weeks. Stuff like that.

For it being insensitive, mostly I meant to my kids. A little to my mom. She loves to give stuff and I have to balance that with my desire for a more minimal lifestyle. For the clothes, I have kept a thing or two that my kids really care about. For the most part they don't care.

Tjej

[Tigerchild]

No one in the thread has advocated dumping a bunch of stuff that your kids like on the sly.

I do not think it hurts kids, though, to learn how to let some of the "maybe" stuff go. If someone literally cannot get rid of *anything*, then I think that is a more serious issue (that goes way beyond clutter/cleaning issues). Perhaps I am just overly sensitive to that, having lived with someone who is in just that situation (and who I fear could easily go into clutter squalor of epic proportions if they ever end up being on their own) though.

[HappyMommy2]

I keep all of the "toys with a million pieces" on top of a large armour. If they want to play with one, they have to pick up the rest of the toys first. They don't have free access to the messy toys like legos, kitchen, pop beads, potato head, etc. Only one of these toys is allowed at a time. Pick up one, and immediately get another one.

That leave just the bigger things and books out for free access, which is easier to clean.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by journeymom

I'm not the OP, but I'll share that it wasn't me that felt this way, it was my child. My daughter was traumatized the time she realized I had been 'ruthlessly' culling her stuff (like I figured was normal), including clothes, drawings, even wads of tissues on her bedroom floor. I was baffled but I felt horrible for her because she was seriously upset. It damaged her trust for me.

I'm a bit like your dd, and it's very difficult. My dd1 is the same way, and getting rid of a single anything is intensely difficult for both of us. I hav eno answers, but we really need to cull. I think decluttering is both a big one-time thing (for people like me) and an ongoing process (for everybody). I'm doing a lot better on keeping on top of the new stuff coming in, and keeping things balanced...but I still have a lot of old stuff to get rid of...a whole lot...

Dd is 15 y.o. now and her room is beyond a mess. I just don't argue.

DS1 is 17, and similar. I'm trying to help him get a handle on it, but it's very difficult, because I have very little ability to let go, myself.

[mrspineau]

having a designated playroom definetely helps too. for us we have a room off of the livingroom that we call the playroom (although the livingroom is definetely part of the playroom as well) and all of the toys stay in there and have homes in there. But, my son is only two, and as he gets older, then there is lots of space in his bedroom where new toys will go. also the same with my daughter (whos not here yet, but still). It certainly helps to keep the toys in one spot, not all over the house, and also helps to keep the worry away of "what will we do with more toys?"

[IntuitiveJamie]

I actually had a flip out moment over what you are talking about earlier this week. And like you I get that developmentally a 4 and 2 year old don't totally understand the deal with cleaning up. However, I just had a really bad moment that I'm not proud of. So for now all the toys are put up and they have to ask for one at a time and they don't get another one until that one is put up. I just have to have a few moments where there is not crap all over the floor. I am doing my best to maintain my house at this point. We are so busy with other stuff I just can't handle the toy thing. I have decluttered. I have bins and baskets. They are all organized etc etc. But when all the bins and baskets are out, every toy ends up on the floor no matter what. The only way to control this is not to keep them in reach for the time being. It's the only thing I can deal with right this moment. I would rather have the situation controlled a little bit, then to rage on my kids. And honestly, it works just fine b/c when they are all dumped out on the floor they don't play with them. They just dump them out. THAT is the game. Fun for them, not so much for Mommy. When they only have one at a time, they absorb in it and play with it.

[pianojazzgirl]

Great thread. I'm feeling inspired to do a major cull.

I have had a lot of convos with dd to try to encourage letting go of toys that are never played with. It is difficult for her, to say the least. I'm trying to figure out what I feel comfortable with, in terms of getting rid of things without her input. I'm sure that I could put some unused toys in a box in the closet for 3-4 months and she would completely forget about all of them and then I could donate them... but I feel kind of sneaky and bad about it. Not to mention it teaches her nothing about how to declutter/let go. But is that a lesson that an almost-6 yr old is ready to learn? Maybe in baby steps. I'm just not sure. Some friends have had success with having their son donate some toys to our local used toy store and then he is allowed to choose a fancy "new" toy from the same store.

Ok, here's a question: what's a concrete way that your kid can see that it's time to let a toy go? If I just dump out a toy bin to sort out then suddenly all the old, never-played-with stuff seems all-desirable. I'd love for her to choose some toys that she *may* donate, put them away for a few months, and agree that if she hasn't asked for any of them back then off to Goodwill they go. The problem is that in the initial sorting process it is so hard for her to put any toys in that box. So how to help her let go? How to help her recognize that toy x really never does get played with and might be able to be donated?

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

Great thread. I'm feeling inspired to do a major cull.

I have had a lot of convos with dd to try to encourage letting go of toys that are never played with. It is difficult for her, to say the least. I'm trying to figure out what I feel comfortable with, in terms of getting rid of things without her input. I'm sure that I could put some unused toys in a box in the closet for 3-4 months and she would completely forget about all of them and then I could donate them... but I feel kind of sneaky and bad about it. Not to mention it teaches her nothing about how to declutter/let go. But is that a lesson that an almost-6 yr old is ready to learn? Maybe in baby steps. I'm just not sure. Some friends have had success with having their son donate some toys to our local used toy store and then he is allowed to choose a fancy "new" toy from the same store.

Ok, here's a question: what's a concrete way that your kid can see that it's time to let a toy go? If I just dump out a toy bin to sort out then suddenly all the old, never-played-with stuff seems all-desirable. I'd love for her to choose some toys that she *may* donate, put them away for a few months, and agree that if she hasn't asked for any of them back then off to Goodwill they go. The problem is that in the initial sorting process it is so hard for her to put any toys in that box. So how to help her let go? How to help her recognize that toy x really never does get played with and might be able to be donated?

This age is when my dd started to get into donating things willingly. I talked to her about having too much stuff to fit, read the Bernstain Bear book about Too Much Stuff, and encouraged her to look at the things she didn't use anymore and hadn't used for a long time. She was very willing to go through her things with me after this. Her initial donation wasn't a bag full of toys she had ever liked though, it had lame toys she had never had any interest in and the bag wasn't that packed but it was progress. Each year she gets better and better. Just the other day she packed two big bags full of toys that she sometimes plays with and insisted that she wanted to give them away because someone else would like a turn with them. I was very proud of her. Start with baby steps and be happy with them as you move towards bigger steps. I like the idea of talking to your child about what is in the garage, my dd has always seen the stuff in the garage and knows she can ask for some stuff back if she wants to. She also comes to the donation place with me and so the giving away part isn't a mystery, I just bag the stuff when she isn't there so I don't have to argue with her about bagging the toy she never liked that came from McDonalds three years ago (though I will give it back if she sees it in the garage and says she wants it back.

[BarnMomma]

Originally Posted by mrspineau

My son is 2, and I have another one coming soon, and we have TONS of toys. I do manage very well to keep them organized and tidy all the time though, and I think these are the reasons why:

1. my son does help clean up, and I do expect him to. I dont expect him to necessarily do it on his own or not to get distracted, but I just keep trying to reinforce "everyone cleans up together" type of thing. and he has gotten it very well, and now will do it on his own without being prompted.

2. EVERY toy has its own place. I have a basket for the instruments, I have a basket for the balls, a toy net for the stuffed animals, a cubicle shelf with a bin for cars, a bin for transformer robots, a bin for random toys that really have no category (I really try and keep those toys to a minimum though) and I try to keep things in obvious places that he can reach easily and remember where he got it from. I believe that having a great big toy box to put all of his toys in doesn't promote organization in children the way having separate bins for things does, plus I also think that it sends the message that its okay to just sort of throw everything together which isn't really taking care of the toys as well as possible. I don't know if you have a big toy box or not but, just a thought.

3. The toys that we choose are useful toys, educational toys, or toys that are greatly loved. We really try to keep the randoms to a minimum. and if we get a set of toys, the set stays together, with all the pieces.

4. After we are finished playing with one set of toys, then we tidy up before taking out the next. If my son is playing with his cars, and then he jumps up to go get his instruments then I say "let's pick up the balls first" and he'll say "okay" and then he'll do it or we will do it together.

5. if he doesn't take care of his toys, he loses them. period. if he throws it, breaks it, rips it, whatever, its gone. unless it's an accident of course, but it has definetely taught him to take care of his things.

6. he "helps" me clean up around the house. helps with laundry, helps with vacuuming, with everything. And also cleaning the rabbits cage, the fish bowls, etc. so I think he really sees that cleaning up is important and not a chore as much.

Hope that helps a bit!

This is us too. DS is 3 and the "rule" is we clean up one project/toy set/activity before moving onto the next...unless he's building something using his train tracks and blocks and leggos..something like that, it's one thing at a time. If he refuses to clean up, said toy/set goes away in the closet for the day.

I cannot function in clutter. DS has lots of toys- they're mostly creative toys- but whatever they are they take up space and must remain organized or it would be chaos. Everthing has its own bin.

[jkpmomtoboys]

My kids are a little older (7 & 10), but what has worked for us is having two big time overhauls of their toys a year: before their birthdays (both in July) and before the holidays.

For the past few years, I have sat them down in June and November and said, look, gift giving holidays are coming up but we have no more room for any more new things (even if we do, they hear the spirit of what I'm saying). If you would like to receive new things, we have to get rid of some of the things you no longer want or play with.

Then what I do is show them a big pile of things I have made in the playroom. I say, "I have gone through your toys and this is what it seems to me you no longer play with. If there are any items in this pile you disagree with, or any items you would like to contribute to the pile, let me know. I don't want to get rid of anything you are still interested in."

This has worked since they are 2 and 5. It's too overwhelming for them to go through all their toys one by one but I don't want to get rid of things that are, truly, theirs. So the "pile" works. They have control but can also just walk away from it and say it's fine.

I only do it twice a year so they don't think that I'm constantly trying to get rid of their stuff.

As for cleaning up, my kids are very into forts, big Lego projects, creative play, etc... I let things stay as they are unless (a) it is totally and completely in my way at the end of the day (sofa I need to sit on) or (b) it is clear they are done with the project (and I confirm this with them). Then they clean it up with me.

Frequently they have done the projects/forts/etc... with friends and of course their friends aren't helping clean up but I let them know that getting their friends to help them clean up at the end of the playdate is truly their job, not mine. If they want their friends to help cleanup, they have to let them know that.

Anyway, lot of random thoughts from me at the end of the day but I hope it's helpful...

[Learning_Mum]

I tell my 4yo (almost 5yo) DS that he obviously doesn't appreciate how lucky he is to have so many toys, if he's not willing to look after them and then I take away about 99% of them for a week. Actually, he doesn't even usually ask for them back (he'll happily play with anything) so I have a car boot full of toys that I need to go through and sort out.