Is this abuse?

[bcblondie]

Deleting this because aparently if you ask if something is abuse you're being holier than thou.
Clearly it was OBVIOUSLY not abuse. Why in the heck did I even ask?

[new2this]

I wouldn't do anything. To me many people use words (doesn't make it right) like beat when they actually would never beat their kids.

[annettemarie]

It sounds like super crappy parenting, but I don't know that any of it would qualify as abuse. And to be honest, if some stranger's kid was spitting cake at me, I would be super ticked off. I imagine she felt embarassed and wanted to seem as if she was doing something without actually having to get up and leave the meal. In a similar situation, I imagine empathizing and offering to help distract the kid would be more helpful than calling CPS.

[bcblondie]

That is true. I still don't think she should threaten them though.

[bcblondie]

Lol. Yes I definately would have tried to help distract the kid but I had my hands full trying to get my own kid to sit nice and eat, without dh there. (Serious props to single parents.)
And this lady did have her dh there. Dunno where he was.

[zebra15]

swatting a napking because her kid is spitting cake during a wedding? just plain old bad parenting. High stress, empty threats, who knows... but there is nothing to call on, The kid probably didnt want to be at the wedding, maybe it was nap time, maybe mom didnt want to be there. Lots of dynamics at play. Id write it off as a horrible day for everyone.

[meemee]

through AP eyes v. painful to watch.

thru regular mainstream eyes - not that bad.

i know how much social pressure REALLY stresses out parents. I am sure she didnt want to look like she had the worst behaved child and felt compelled to do something about it.

[GoBecGo]

I frequently tell my DD there "will be a big beating" - it means i will chase her down and tickle her, and the more threateningly i say it the more funny she finds it. Words have the power the speaker has given them in that sort of situation. Obviously you were there and i was not, but maybe her kid knew fine she wouldn't beat him or let anyone else beat him? Our family frequently uses dramatic language, it's our "thing" - DH will say "that's it, it's over, i'm moving out" if i say "sorry dinner's gonna be five more minutes".

And the other day i screamed "well i DON'T" to something my DD1 said and dragged her screaming and crying in protest up the hill to our house. We all have terrible parenting moments, i know i have, despite my best efforts, i'm not perfect. I'm sure she was having a miserable time, and wanted her kid to give her a break for a bit. I would be pretty enraged if a kid spit cake at me and its parent did nothing, and equally i would be pretty ticked off if my DD spit cake at someone. When i read your post i thought of myself trying to catch/stop spitting with a napkin, kind of a roughish scoop-and-wipe motion. Maybe that was her aim?

You could try talking to her about it in a calmer moment, but unless you know her quite well (and even if you do) she may not take very kindly to being offered unwanted parenting advice. There is nothing to report to anyone as regards her actions.

[babygirlie]

I would not call anyone. I don't feel there is any proof nor warrant. Is she a FB friend? Perhaps gentle parenting to parent needs to be used. How about an article not directed at her but on your account that gives alternative solutions to dealing with kid's out in public when they don't desire to be dealt with. She might get the hint and be angry but maybe she will read it. It sounds like it was high stressed and just plain old didn't know what to do.

What would you have done? I'm genuinely interested. I haven't hit that circumstance yet.

BTW I smack my kid with the napkin all the time. It helps her not to cry and she thinks it's funny (she doesn't like her face washed after eating). Smack isn't the right word. Just enough so she can hear her voice make funny sounds like that indian woowoowooo thing. *sigh youknowwhatimeanihope* And then she has no problem with me washing. She loves the feeling of a wet paper towel on her tongue. In a panic I might have tried the same thing but would have been jerky and unhelpful since I was anxious and nervous and discombobulated etc. :/

I like these threads because I can learn what not to do

Oh my bff ALWAYS threatens her kids with a beating. It's really hard to talk to her on the phone as she is always screaming at her kids telling them to shut up and that if they didn't do something they would be beaten within an inch of their lives. But then I also here her tell them she loves them and how even though they are dirt broke she is saving for her eldest to go to France and only the best schools for them. I've warned her about the telling her kids to shut up thing and she always apologizes now if she slips up and then of course when I had a kid I found myself saying it. Ugh. Not cool of me at all. I do need to learn to word things properly. Btw, her kids are always hanging on her and hugging her and loving on her (so much so I can see her struggling to walk over to me) so I'm sure they are not beaten to death. She just has a big mouth.

[PGTlatte]

If my kid starting spewing cake at the person next to him at a wedding, my reaction probably wouldn't be my best parenting moment. I might make a jerky movement toward his mouth in order to stop the flow of cake. I would not be happy with him at all...I would be likely to say something stronger than what I would feel great about later. I personally would not be talking about the child being beaten, and ITA that's very sad. But since she didn't actually beat him or take obvious steps toward doing so, IMO there is nothing to report.

[heartmama]

The rate of physical and sexual abuse in foster care is multiple times greater than that in the general population. Thus, I never ever consider calling CPS unless the child is experiencing certain physical/sexual abuse. Bad parenting, physical punishment without leaving marks, and benign neglect are not reasons I would consider calling, ever.

[VisionaryMom]

Yes, it was uncomfortable to watch, but that's it. FTR, though, I don't think spitting cake at someone is "to be expected" behavior. I can't recall any child I've known ever spitting food at people.

[blessedmama59]

It is painful to watch/witness parents who choose threats/hitting to discipline a child, but unless it's extreme, I would say just stay out of it. She may use those methods to parent, but then again, she may have just been frustrated and embarassed by her son's behavior in public and caved to what much of society thinks of as "discipline". Like a pp mentioned, they were probably both stressed and tired (a wedding is not ideal for any toddler to deal) so the behavior, while not acceptable by any means, would be expected. If you're around her again in the future and see her use these techniques, maybe you could take the opportunity to bring up how gentle techniques would yield more effective results.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by laundrycrisis

If my kid starting spewing cake at the person next to him at a wedding, my reaction probably wouldn't be my best parenting moment. I might make a jerky movement toward his mouth in order to stop the flow of cake. I would not be happy with him at all.

Agree completely. Kids do not have the right to spew cake on others... regardless of how the cake tasted.

[earthmama369]

If my child spit food at a guest at a wedding dinner, I can just about guarantee that wouldn't be my finest parenting moment. She didn't beat him, she didn't spank him, it sounds like she was reacting in the moment. I don't agree with how she reacted, but she didn't actually do anything injurious to him. There's no cause to call CPS.

[choli]

The next time we have one of those threads where some posters express amazement that some awful people prefer not to take their kids to weddings, I will remember this thread.

[bcblondie]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

I frequently tell my DD there "will be a big beating" - it means i will chase her down and tickle her, and the more threateningly i say it the more funny she finds it. Words have the power the speaker has given them in that sort of situation. Obviously you were there and i was not, but maybe her kid knew fine she wouldn't beat him or let anyone else beat him? Our family frequently uses dramatic language, it's our "thing" - DH will say "that's it, it's over, i'm moving out" if i say "sorry dinner's gonna be five more minutes".

And the other day i screamed "well i DON'T" to something my DD1 said and dragged her screaming and crying in protest up the hill to our house. We all have terrible parenting moments, i know i have, despite my best efforts, i'm not perfect. I'm sure she was having a miserable time, and wanted her kid to give her a break for a bit. I would be pretty enraged if a kid spit cake at me and its parent did nothing, and equally i would be pretty ticked off if my DD spit cake at someone. When i read your post i thought of myself trying to catch/stop spitting with a napkin, kind of a roughish scoop-and-wipe motion. Maybe that was her aim?

You could try talking to her about it in a calmer moment, but unless you know her quite well (and even if you do) she may not take very kindly to being offered unwanted parenting advice. There is nothing to report to anyone as regards her actions.

When you say there will be a big beating, though, you probably have a different tone of voice than this lady.
She was defiantely not trying to stop the cake from flying everywhere, as he was already done spitting. She looked like she wanted to hit him in the mouth but stopped half way through. I dunno. It was super weird.

Originally Posted by babygirlie

I would not call anyone. I don't feel there is any proof nor warrant. Is she a FB friend? Perhaps gentle parenting to parent needs to be used. How about an article not directed at her but on your account that gives alternative solutions to dealing with kid's out in public when they don't desire to be dealt with. She might get the hint and be angry but maybe she will read it. It sounds like it was high stressed and just plain old didn't know what to do.

What would you have done? I'm genuinely interested. I haven't hit that circumstance yet.

BTW I smack my kid with the napkin all the time. It helps her not to cry and she thinks it's funny (she doesn't like her face washed after eating). Smack isn't the right word. Just enough so she can hear her voice make funny sounds like that indian woowoowooo thing. *sigh youknowwhatimeanihope* And then she has no problem with me washing. She loves the feeling of a wet paper towel on her tongue. In a panic I might have tried the same thing but would have been jerky and unhelpful since I was anxious and nervous and discombobulated etc. :/

I like these threads because I can learn what not to do

Oh my bff ALWAYS threatens her kids with a beating. It's really hard to talk to her on the phone as she is always screaming at her kids telling them to shut up and that if they didn't do something they would be beaten within an inch of their lives. But then I also here her tell them she loves them and how even though they are dirt broke she is saving for her eldest to go to France and only the best schools for them. I've warned her about the telling her kids to shut up thing and she always apologizes now if she slips up and then of course when I had a kid I found myself saying it. Ugh. Not cool of me at all. I do need to learn to word things properly. Btw, her kids are always hanging on her and hugging her and loving on her (so much so I can see her struggling to walk over to me) so I'm sure they are not beaten to death. She just has a big mouth.

Yes she's mostly a facebook friend as she used to live out of town. She's my friend's sister so when I went to my friend's events she was often there. But she has now moved into town and I think I'll probably be seeing more of her. We've chatted on the phone before, about DS's milk allergy. But we're not super close by any means.

But yea I don't think I'll say anything. I might casually post an article on facebook in a couple days. lol. Or recommend a book I read called "without spanking or spoiling" (very good book btw)
Or if I'm around her more now since she's in town, Maybe she'll see my methods.

[mamazee]

I don't know what there is to call anyone about. She made empty threats and hit him with a napkin? Not GD, but not abuse either. And it was a stressful situation so it might not be a good example of how she usual parents either.

[bcblondie]

I guess it's just a shock to me, from what I'm used to seeing.

And I take it back, spitting is not "to be expected," but at least not too suprising when it happens.

[mamadelbosque]

I'd be uber pissed at my kid if he spit food at *anyone* under *any* circumstances. Thats gross, and wrong, and kids *know* that, including your average 2 yr old. I hardly think its "not too surprising" let alone "to be expected"... I mean really? You wouldn't be super shocked, pissed off and upset if your kid spit food at someone for no good reason?? REALLY!?!?

And... yeah, her response, is hardly surprsing, let alone reportable. Seems pretty mild, in the overall, tbh. I mean, she didn't even spank him (which I've seen plenty of in public places around here), which is what I would expect most of my friends to do to their kids if they spit food at someone. Let alone at a wedding!!