I am a type-A person who is very concrete, very organized, very much "in my head." I have depression and anxiety as well. I have a very hard time "letting go"... when I get stressed or feel out of my element, my brain actually ramps up. When Ina May writes things like "have your monkey do it," I literally have NO IDEA what that means. I mean, I intellectually understand, but have no concept of how to shut off my brain and actually get to that place.
Is it possible for someone like me to have a drug free birth?
With DS, my water broke and nothing happened for 24 hours. At that point, I was started on pitocin (although I don't think it was the merciless, huge doses some mamas here have had). I lasted 11 hours but was starting to really struggle, got checked for the first time and was only at 4 cm.
I flashed back to something I read that said that up to 4 cm was "early labor," and I figured that if I wasn't even in active labor yet then I was doomed. SO I got an epidural and delivered DS about 5 hours later.
I didn't attend any CBE- I did a ton of reading on my own, plus I had a very complicated pregnancy and was too sick to attend classes. I did do the Hypnobabies home study, but looking back I think it was the WRONG choice for me.
The only part of Hypnobabies I was actually able to do was one of the first lessons about finding a "secret, safe place" and visualizing it in your mind in detail. I could do that. And that part was actually helpful during labor (and even now if I can't sleep, etc) But the finger drop technique? And moving anesthesia throughout my body? NO WAY. It was very weird- as I would listen to the tapes, I would be doing the exercises at the same time that I was arguing with myself about their ineffectiveness, then I would yell at myself internally for not attending to the tapes. It was just a massive head game to me, which was not good for someone who is so much "in her head."
I never finished the entire Hypnobabies course because DS came so early (35.5 weeks), and during labor I didn't even try the HB stuff nor did I listen to any of the tapes.
We did have a doula during labor, but even then.... she pushed my hair back a certain way during contractions, and even though it felt good and even though I was in pain, I was also worried about how it made my hair look ugly. She had me hang on her, and I was thinking about how weird it was for our boobs to be touching in that way. She and DH really wanted me to try getting in the shower, but I was too self-conscious about being so naked, wet, and vulnerable and how I would look and what people would think of me.
I know many of you mamas are probably thinking to yourself, "Well, she must not have been too far in labor or she must not have been in too much pain if she could be thinking thoughts like that." BUT I WAS. That's just it. That's how my brain works. When I'm stressed or there's a lot going on, my brain attends even MORE to little details like that, and those thoughts get louder and louder like static the more uncomfortable I am.
I actually liked pushing. I think it's because it was something concrete for me to do and concentrate on. It was a skill for me to learn, so I focused my energy on doing it right and well, and making progress. I had no feelings of self-consciousness then (worrying about being exposed or how I looked) and my brain was calm. It took less than an hour, and it only took that long because DS had a nuchal hand.
I FIRMLY BELIEVE that I was getting in my own way during labor, and that's why I didn't progress more or faster. Even though DH, the nurse, and the doula all reported that I APPEARED very calm and centered during contractions and was breathing through them well, in my head I was basically yelling at myself the whole time.
Once I got the epidural, my body could get my brain out if its way and get on with the contractions, which it did relatively quickly.
Is it possible for someone like me to do it without drugs? Or will my hyper-braininess always get in my way? How do I overcome that?
Thanks for reading- I know this is long.
Is it possible for someone like me to have a drug free birth?
With DS, my water broke and nothing happened for 24 hours. At that point, I was started on pitocin (although I don't think it was the merciless, huge doses some mamas here have had). I lasted 11 hours but was starting to really struggle, got checked for the first time and was only at 4 cm.
I flashed back to something I read that said that up to 4 cm was "early labor," and I figured that if I wasn't even in active labor yet then I was doomed. SO I got an epidural and delivered DS about 5 hours later.
I didn't attend any CBE- I did a ton of reading on my own, plus I had a very complicated pregnancy and was too sick to attend classes. I did do the Hypnobabies home study, but looking back I think it was the WRONG choice for me.
The only part of Hypnobabies I was actually able to do was one of the first lessons about finding a "secret, safe place" and visualizing it in your mind in detail. I could do that. And that part was actually helpful during labor (and even now if I can't sleep, etc) But the finger drop technique? And moving anesthesia throughout my body? NO WAY. It was very weird- as I would listen to the tapes, I would be doing the exercises at the same time that I was arguing with myself about their ineffectiveness, then I would yell at myself internally for not attending to the tapes. It was just a massive head game to me, which was not good for someone who is so much "in her head."
I never finished the entire Hypnobabies course because DS came so early (35.5 weeks), and during labor I didn't even try the HB stuff nor did I listen to any of the tapes.
We did have a doula during labor, but even then.... she pushed my hair back a certain way during contractions, and even though it felt good and even though I was in pain, I was also worried about how it made my hair look ugly. She had me hang on her, and I was thinking about how weird it was for our boobs to be touching in that way. She and DH really wanted me to try getting in the shower, but I was too self-conscious about being so naked, wet, and vulnerable and how I would look and what people would think of me.
I know many of you mamas are probably thinking to yourself, "Well, she must not have been too far in labor or she must not have been in too much pain if she could be thinking thoughts like that." BUT I WAS. That's just it. That's how my brain works. When I'm stressed or there's a lot going on, my brain attends even MORE to little details like that, and those thoughts get louder and louder like static the more uncomfortable I am.
I actually liked pushing. I think it's because it was something concrete for me to do and concentrate on. It was a skill for me to learn, so I focused my energy on doing it right and well, and making progress. I had no feelings of self-consciousness then (worrying about being exposed or how I looked) and my brain was calm. It took less than an hour, and it only took that long because DS had a nuchal hand.
I FIRMLY BELIEVE that I was getting in my own way during labor, and that's why I didn't progress more or faster. Even though DH, the nurse, and the doula all reported that I APPEARED very calm and centered during contractions and was breathing through them well, in my head I was basically yelling at myself the whole time.
Once I got the epidural, my body could get my brain out if its way and get on with the contractions, which it did relatively quickly.
Is it possible for someone like me to do it without drugs? Or will my hyper-braininess always get in my way? How do I overcome that?
Thanks for reading- I know this is long.
) maybe it will resonate.
Funny. It reminded me of how so many people, when I said I was planning an NCB said, "Oh, you'll be begging for that epidural."
Labor 
I'm a control freak, so Hypnobabies was the only thing that even remotely appealed to me. Being able to control my sensations and emotions helped me feel calm throughout my four births using hypnosis (even the painful, complicated one). For me, hypnosis was the only way I would plan on having a natural birth because it gives me confidence that I can handle whatever happens and still maintain a sense of control over the experience. I never lose my sense of awareness over what's going on the way some mamas seem to (I wear at least a sports bra throughout 
I still can't wrap my brain around pain not being suffering, but it seems to make sense to the moms who don't want a hypnosis approach. 
Your head can definitely do you in, and I learned that I needed to listen to my body more, too.
I was so in-my-own-head that I was, again, not listening to my body's very obvious cues as to where we were and what was happening. However, I *did* have amazing support and achieved a natural, drug-free, home VBAC. 
You have no idea what your thoughts and words mean to me.
