AP Foster Parenting

[nicolelynn]

I'm sure there was a thread once upon a time on this subject.

Any experiences, advice, books, articles, etc on AP foster parenting? Adoption not so concerned about because it seems you have more freedom to raise your child how you see fit once the adoption goes through. But what about the foster phase? I may have a few babies in and out of my home before one is placed permanently.

I am not 100% crunchy/AP (and feel myself letting go of my perfect ideas for that since deciding to foster-adopt) but what about baby-wearing and bonding to a baby that won't stay with me, (I feel I should not hold back..children deserve all the love they can get)? How mainstream will the social workers expect us to be? What about the classes through the county (we start the end of September, once per week for 11 weeks)? Cloth diapering? Making home-made formula (not leaning towards that, but what if)? I already know co-sleeping is iffy but having an infant in a crib in our room is fine so we are going to do that. What about when they are older, it seems routines/schedules will help children who have dealt with uncertainty, while that is not an AP idea.

Etc.

[Polliwog]

Most of the things you posted are just fine and often encouraged. Baby wearing and bonding- yes. Cloth diapering shouldn't be an issue and likely wouldn't even come up unless the baby wears them to visits (many people use disposables for visits for various reasons.) Crib in your room fine if it's allowed (Polliwog's was right next to my bed.)

Homemade formula- probably isn't a regulation about it but I wouldn't do it. Formula isn't the enemy and unless you get a baby right from the hospital, it's what the baby has been using since birth. You'll get formula through WIC so you won't have the expense. While using formula isn't idea, it's not horrible and I wouldn't mess around with something homemade. THAT could have the child taken of your home even if there isn't a rule about it.

Where in the AP "rule book" does it say that routines/schedules aren't an AP idea? Most families have routines of some sort. Not necessarily rigid schedules but for some kids (bio or foster) mostly unchanging schedules may be necessary.

[mariaz]

I agree with everything the previous poster said.

I just wanted to second using disposables for visits. Our visits are at DSS and I still don't trust anyone to remember to get my diaper back to me.

Once I was running late and forgot to change the baby out of his cloth diaper and his Father freaked out about the cloth diaper. He didn't understand why I would use them, didn't know how to change it (even though I use bum genius, which are designed exactly like disposables) and I think was put off by the whole situation.

I certainly don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so I just have a stash of disposables ready for visits.

[veganjoy]

(I just got foster-approved, so this is with a grain of salt.) A lot of our training was surprisingly AP, especially when it came to discipline. Since spanking is totally forbidden, and even "punishment" can be problematic, they emphasized using creative solutions and connecting with the child, rather than simply addressing behaviors. Ours used a curriculum based on Beyond Consequences by Heather Forbes (she has 2 adopted kids with attachment challenges, and is very AP).

Our homestudy worker either didn't notice our alternative choices, or didn't make a big deal of them. They never asked about vaxes, didn't bat an eye at my mention of babywearing, and didn't care that our daughter slept with us until age 2. She even suggested having the foster child stay in our room if s/he were under 18 months, which is the county regulation. Our playroom was full of cloth dipes, and it went unmentioned (but I'll probably take the advice from pp's about using disposables during visits).

Of course, rigidity isn't great, but I think of rhythm and structure as very AP--it helps kids feel safe and meets a need for stability. We're AP in pretty much every way possible, and I have a super flexible kiddo, but I can't imagine not providing her with a sense of rhythm in our home.

[marsupial-mom]

Attachment is the whole point of foster parenting.

My foster parent training emphasized attachment over everything else. Orphanages can meet childrens physical and educational needs. But only real, safe, loving families can meet childrens emotional needs.

Baby-wearing in my county is 100% a-ok. The caseworkers love it.
Cloth diapering is also 100% a-ok and my case worker said she prefers it.
Co-sleeping for babies is frowned upon but not disallowed. The law says you must have a crib but I don't think they can force you to use it. They just say "use safe sleep practices". For my foster baby, we don't co-sleep.But the crib is is our bedroom, not a separate room, and that's allowed, even encouraged. Keep in mind that many infants in fostercare have a higher than average risk of SIDS.
Home-made formula would not be allowed as far as I know. But home-made baby food (when baby is ready) is accepted.

[Sierra]

So much of this might depend on the area you are from and the social workers with whom you end up working, but our experiences as AP foster parents were overwhelmingly positive.

Originally Posted by nicolelynn

Any...articles....on AP foster parenting?

I think there has been an article or two in past issues of Mothering.

what about baby-wearing

As folks have said, I think in a lot of places this will be seen in a very positive light. It was in our location.

How mainstream will the social workers expect us to be?

I've found it depends so much on the worker. I've had a rare few who just didn't get it, but the vast majority have been understanding and some extremely supportive. AND, we weren't the only AP family/natural living family in our county. In fact, I remember one of the best conversations I've ever been in on about cloth diaper service was at a foster parent luncheon.

What about the classes through the county (we start the end of September, once per week for 11 weeks)?

Our classes were great. One of our instructors was herself a foster and adoptive parent who talked openly about her commitment to homeschool (couldn't do with her foster kids, but has done with the children she adopted). She spent a lot of time speaking frankly and compassionately to a mom who wanted to be able to breastfeed her foster babes (very close to not legal in that state...technically you can, but you have to get permission from the parent which is next to impossible and creates huge risks to the relationship in most cases, etc.). While she wasn't able to say "sure...you can breastfeed," she was very understanding about the desire.

The other instructor was a very sweet social worker who was very non-judgemental. He also did a great, great activity that underscored the reasons that spanking foster kids is not legal.

They didn't go into specifics, etc. though about discipline. I think they leave a lot of that for the ongoing trainings required for renewal of licenses. Those aren't exactly AP (things like "Love and Logic") but certainly can be adapted by an AP parent and were worth-it trainings for the chance to explore various discipline issues.

Cloth diapering?

We did it. Never really came up at the foster care office. We used disposables for visits, partly to make sure no one ever made an issue of it.

Making home-made formula (not leaning towards that, but what if)?

Regulations would probably vary by region, but I wouldn't do it. I can see the temptation (I remember reading the formula can and just going nuts about things like corn syrup that was in there), but trying to create a proper substitute for breastmilk (of course we all know breast is best) is incredibly difficult and a risky venture. I wouldn't risk nutritional issues like that with a young baby, and certainly not a baby who had been entrusted to me by the state (who will be looking over your shoulder a bit). Besides, the babies that come to you will already be on a formula that their tummy is at least somewhat used to.

I already know co-sleeping is iffy but having an infant in a crib in our room is fine so we are going to do that.

That's what we did.

Also, if a baby gets fussy in the night, you bring him or her with you to bed for a bottlefeeding or whatever, and you fall back asleep, don't panic. No one is going to be knocking on your door at 3am to check .

What about when they are older, it seems routines/schedules will help children who have dealt with uncertainty, while that is not an AP idea.

Routines are not AP? I was raised by AP parents myself, but I have never heard that. A lot of kids, not just foster kids, like routines and schedules they can count on. I don't see an AP reason not to provide that.

Sure, there are times when as foster parents, we have had a child whose needs didn't lend themselves to AP parenting. I remember the disappointment I had in myself when I finally had to make a sticker chart for a kid. But AP is about having a connection with our kids such that we can meet their true needs and not some pre-fabricated idea of what they need. So if my kids need something that isn't seen as AP, the most AP thing to do is to follow what my child needs.

[mamalemon]

You have lots of great advice already, but I want to add a bit that I learned recently.
Our foster baby came to us without knowing how to fall asleep while being held and he was a pro at holding his own bottle. At first, I was shocked by this and intent to break him in to being more dependent on us. My DH pointed out though that these are great coping skills for him to have since he wont always be with us and we can't guarantee what kind of home he will go to after ours. In the grand scheme of things, self soothing to sleep and holding your own bottle aren't so bad. So we focused on wearing him a lot and and responding immediately to his needs. In just a few short days, the effects were amazing! He was crying less and just vocalizing to get attention, smiling more, and was able to relax enough that he COULD fall asleep on us (although we still often laid him down awake in his bassinet).

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by mamalemon

You have lots of great advice already, but I want to add a bit that I learned recently.
Our foster baby came to us without knowing how to fall asleep while being held and he was a pro at holding his own bottle. At first, I was shocked by this and intent to break him in to being more dependent on us. My DH pointed out though that these are great coping skills for him to have since he wont always be with us and we can't guarantee what kind of home he will go to after ours. In the grand scheme of things, self soothing to sleep and holding your own bottle aren't so bad. So we focused on wearing him a lot and and responding immediately to his needs. In just a few short days, the effects were amazing! He was crying less and just vocalizing to get attention, smiling more, and was able to relax enough that he COULD fall asleep on us (although we still often laid him down awake in his bassinet).

That's a really good point.

After I posted, I almost came back to say something about falling alseep in the crib, for example, being a good skill for a kid to have when they return home to parents that use that method.

I like the way you demonstrated with this post the other ways to get that attachment going, without the popular AP "checklist."

[mumm]

Originally Posted by nicolelynn

, (I feel I should not hold back..children deserve all the love they can get)

For me this was the hardest part of fostering. Giving the child everything I had while still protecting myself and my kids. It is HARD to love a child fully when you know they are leaving you in a week, a month, a year. The constant fear that maybe I am holding back to protect myself. I know that it sounds terribly selfish, but that was my hardest struggle.

As for formula, it is provided free of charge via WIC and I've found it helpful to keep them on the same product they are used to, whether coming from home, another foster family or the hospital.

As for co-sleeping, I tried not to but sometimes would bring an infant to bed with me when exhausted. Once, while half asleep I even lifted my shirt during the night for dfd! Old habit die hard while asleep!

Fostering is difficult and wonderful.

[phathui5]

I think baby-wearing is important for any baby, even if they may not end up staying with you permanantly. I did it with my cousin when he lived with us for a while.

[nicolelynn]

Thanks for all the advice, everyone! I was already thinking that way on almost everything that was pointed out. For some reason I thought schedules weren't so AP as I had seen some discussions on here lauding giving freedom to children to do pretty much as they wish and make their own schedule. Even if that meant one day they went to bed at 7, the next at 10 the next at 1am. Oh well, I agree, routines provide a sense of security.

It seems it would not be so difficult if I take a foster baby and KNOW they will only be with me for several weeks, and I just basically am caring for and loving on them and then will be sending them on. What I think will be hardest for me is the open ended placements, one that may last several months with a near promise of adoption...then that falls through.

[heatherdeg]

I agree with what all the pp's said. Including the formula thing. I mean, they're not likely to go back to home-made formula and the transition could be rough. And they can go at any time... with very little advance warning.

Originally Posted by nicolelynn

It seems it would not be so difficult if I take a foster baby and KNOW they will only be with me for several weeks, and I just basically am caring for and loving on them and then will be sending them on. What I think will be hardest for me is the open ended placements, one that may last several months with a near promise of adoption...then that falls through.

So here's the best advice I can give because I've been in this situation: Until the child's case plan goal changes to TPR/adoption and you are identified as the adoptive match, there IS NO near-promise of adoption. Until then, the most unlikely parent on earth can (and has--I've watched it, first-hand) get it together and get their child back. If they don't and it goes to TPR, relatives that truly thought TPR would never happen will suddenly step up in the hopes of keeping the child in the family--even after years. And often, they get priority. Some of them may not even have KNOWN--honest-to-God--but the birthparents immediate family will tell in desperation near the end.

SO MANY THINGS can happen. Until you sign an adoptive agreement with the state, please assume that they will leave. Love them, by all means--but know they won't stay.

And don't be afraid of it. We had one child from 5 days to 10mo and she was in every way, shape and form every bit as much our own child as our bio. I truly thought that I would be bedridden for 3 weeks when she left. And I wasn't. Nobody was more stunned than I was. Not to say I wasn't SAD! I was. But it wasn't the devastation I anticipated. Because when you love them that much, you want them to be with their family as long as their family can keep them safe. I adopted my daughter from the state (she was placed as a newborn adoptive placement--she was a SafeHaven baby) and I often wonder if she'll be one of the children that struggles to understand where her family is. So for my foster children that went to relatives, I feel some level of consolation that they won't ache for that sense of who they "are".

[IncompetentHousewife]

I had many of the same concerns as you did before we began our foster licensing process. In fact, I was freaked out about it all. What I've come to learn is that there are a LOT of kids out there who desperately need foster homes. As a whole, the system isn't looking for parents who parent only in the mainstream; they're looking for warm bodies who can provide a safe place for kids. Some workers may have certain preferences over others, but overall they NEED you to take some of their caseload.

I don't say that to discount all the good qualities that foster families bring, but I have to admit that we had some people in our classes that we didn't think would get licensed and did. One couple seemed just a little thin in the brains department (I'm sorry, I can't think of another way to say it) and another saw nothing wrong with punitive discipline such as spanking, but promised not to spank foster children per the rules. While I wouldn't *choose* to put my children in either home, they are safe and caring and much, much better than where foster children come from.

As far as specific AP practices, there were a few things our workers assumed as soon as they learned we homeschool (like making our own baby food and cloth diapering). Other things they just assumed we do the mainstream way (using a crib and bottlefeeding).

I'm open with all but two things. We don't actually use the crib and we co-sleep instead. They seem to realize a baby will occasionally fall asleep in your bed so that's no big deal. I think our workers wouldn't like to hear we intentionally co-sleep though. When they come to our home, I show them the whole house and they see a crib. They have never thought to ask if we actually use it. Also, I bring baby to the breast (parents' issues are quite severe and we're almost certain termination will happen) and am working on relactation.

I send baby to visits with a cloth diaper on. I make sure it's one without stains and of a style that goes on similar to a disposable. I send disposables for them to send baby home in, because cloth might be harder for them to put on. I get free disposables from a baby pantry and have promised myself I won't spend any money on disposables just for visits. Once I was out and sent cloth. Nobody seemed to care.

[nicolelynn]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

And don't be afraid of it. We had one child from 5 days to 10mo and she was in every way, shape and form every bit as much our own child as our bio. I truly thought that I would be bedridden for 3 weeks when she left. And I wasn't. Nobody was more stunned than I was. Not to say I wasn't SAD! I was. But it wasn't the devastation I anticipated. Because when you love them that much, you want them to be with their family as long as their family can keep them safe. I adopted my daughter from the state (she was placed as a newborn adoptive placement--she was a SafeHaven baby) and I often wonder if she'll be one of the children that struggles to understand where her family is. So for my foster children that went to relatives, I feel some level of consolation that they won't ache for that sense of who they "are".

Thank you for that. See, mine and DH's hearts have really opened up to fostering and I feel the same way. I truly want what is best for a child, not just for me to be able to adopt them. I thought maybe I was crazy and clueless because I haven't experienced the loss.

So I agree, I am preparing myself to just love as many babies come through our home and rejoice if their families get it together. Then I will be just pleasantly surprised when one becomes part of our family permanently =)

[MissinNYC]

The thing is, the workers only know what you tell them. Mine truly never asked about what the FKs ate, where they slept, babywearing, etc. I put them in sposies for visitation, mostly for their Moms' comfort. I showed the workers the crib/bed, which you must have, but no one asked if the kids slept in them. Everything is on a "need to know" basis.