Spinoff thread: Being a better person and supporting *all* mothers

[eilonwy]

What can we do, ladies? I know that there are lots of great ideas floating around out there. I'll start:

The last time I was at the grocery store, the woman in front of me had a cart full of crying toddler. Rather than come here and vent about how miserable a mother she was, I decided to talk to the baby. He calmed down right away; just having someone else to look at and think about helped. Eli waved at him and he waved back. He still wasn't thrilled with the world, but he was calm for a few more minutes while his mom got checked out.

[oceanbaby]

I have never given a dirty look or made a nasty comment to a mom with out of control kids. I absolutely try to offer support if it seems like a good idea - getting something off the shelf for her, moving a cart out of the way, or whatever. I might have a personal judgement on how she is handling the situation or her mothering skills, and I'm not doing to deny that, but I certainly don't think that I know enough about her to let my snap judgement affect my actions. So a baby is crying and I'm trying to eat when I have a night out with my husband. Big frickin' deal. Is my life better if I make her feel bad by telling her to go outside and I get a meal in quiet, or is my life better if I display compassion? I always look over and smile, and if it seems appropriate, try to help in any way I can.

This is how I see supporting other mothers. Quit being so selfish about how she or her kids are affecting ME at the moment, and maybe think about how I can affect her kids or her. (Or is it effect?)

As far as specifics go, I think a supportive smile is a good start. Then, like you said, see if you can help out - can you make a silly face at the baby? Can you offer her some words of empathy - "It can be so hard to shop with two kids sometimes huh?" Can you let her go in front of you in line so she can get out of their faster? Can you offer to load her groceries on the belt so she can pick up the baby? Can you play peekaboo with the bored toddler at the next table?

[Leatherette]

Invite a friend's high need child over to play and praise his/her good qualities.

Tell any friend what you like about their parenting.

Bring extra healthy snacks and share.

If a mom looks stressed out in public, smile at her and look empathetic if there's no other way you can help.

Don't avoid moms that you suspect have PPD.

Ask another parent to do you a favor so you can return it.

Enjoy the good parenting you witness in people who do things differently than you.

L.

[anothermama]

If I ever see a mama who's going through the line with WIC, I always try to be the one behind her so no one gives her hard looks and often times I'll make a comment like "Those things are sure a pain, aren't they!"....I remember how hard it was to just USE them because they take so much time and you feel like youre on display and people will give you the most HORRID looks. I've had so many moms seem to relived that the person in line wasnt upset they took so long and seem happy to have someone to chat to who didn't care if they used WIC or not.

[jeca]

Sometimes if my own are behaving at the moment, I ask if I can hold the baby or toddler while the mom finishes what they are doing. Ilet my kids talk to them and they usually quiet right away. I must admit that peoplehave done the same for me and I really apreciate it if it's being one of those days.(long errand running day where nothing is going right, kwim?)

[sarahbay]

It's so hard to be nice and accepting unless you know exaclty what that mama is going thru in her life at that time.

You'd be surprised at the aweful treatment mama's and babies, old folks, and mentally handicapped people have to go thru in this country.

This country that has soooo much, it's crazy to think about how many people are depressed, and why.

So give a hand to all the mama's and papa's out there. Be supportive when you can and respectful at all times.
You never know, you might be on the other end of that helping hand some day.

Ask if you can help, or don't ask, just help. Lots of people will decline help even when offered!!! It's hard to admit you need it.

Offer a snack to the crying toddler.

Don't be shy, everyone needs help sometimes.

[moss]

Make eye contact and smile.

Hold the door open.

DS really likes to say hi to other kids, especially kids who are visibly upset. Sometimes they cheer up a bit, other times they dont. If they're still sad, then sometimes ds gets sad too and we usually end up talking about feelings, and how sometimes pple are sad and that it's okay to be sad sometimes. I've noticed other moms kind of relax a bit when they hear me saying things like that.

I try to hold love and compassion in my heart so that i can try to live in that 'place' and i try to come from a place of love. Some days it's easier to do that than on other days though.

[Benjismom]

We are working on starting a neighborhood parenting center that will eventually offer workshops, a play space, a lending library and similar resources. Right now, most of the venues for these activities are profit-making and not welcoming or affordable for everyone. We have also established a working group on political advocacy to work on issues related to parenthood and caregiving.

I cashier at my food coop and mamas are often very self-conscious by the time they get to the cashier station about kids who are crying, yelling or otherwise making their presence known. I try to smile, stay calm and make a reassuring comment or joke so she doesn't feel so stressed. I also make it clear that she should take her time in finding her receipt (checkout and payment are separate), counting her money or collecting her bags to leave. Actually, I work on keeping things friendly and low key for everyone but mamas are more often the frazzled ones.

I have offered healthy snacks (OK, semi-healthy too) to parents on the subway whose kids are crying and seem hungry. I saw a lovely young woman on the subway work at entertaining a very active young toddler (15 mos. or so) who was plucking on his mama's last nerve. It's hokey but it really touched me because she was a religious Jew (I could tell from her dress, demeanor and books) and the family was African-American. Here in Brooklyn there can be some tensions between those two groups.

I love this thread--

Beth, Mom to Benji and Maggie

[Mindful Mom]

Thanks Rynna!!!

Acknowledge when you see a fellow mom doing a great job -- it means a lot! Sometimes a simple acknowledgement is all it takes to boost someone's spirits enough to keep them going!

Hold doors open -- I'm always stunned when someone sees me struggling to get a stroller through a door and walks right by!

Try to be tolerant of screaming toddlers and crying babies -- I get the most stressed out when I feel like I have to worry that our noise is upsetting others.

Help entertain an angry toddler

Be compassionate, loving, fun, and kind!

[Evergreen]

Here's a link to mine (I posted the story a while back in TAO)
http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...d+my+judgments

I second everything Rynna just said in the above post

BTW- You sound like an excellent mother!