how to tell my mother?! help!

[forumyonly1]

Ok a little history this is baby #4.. i am currently 35 weeks. 1st two babies were hospital birth and 3rd was a home birth.. we are currently planning another home birth for this baby.

My mom is a very sweet lady. Very sensitive and emotional. She is also very used to being in charge and getting things her way. She is a worry wort.. and stresses out VERY easily.. to the point that she will lose sleep over things that really aren't important or in her control.. she used to take anti anxiety medication for this but hasn't in several years.

My mom is a big believer in traditional medicine.... I was able to attend the birth of my brothers ds2 with my mom. It was at the hospital.. my sister in law had an epidural and everything was just about as traditional as it gets. We were up by the head of the bed while she was pushing and my mom kept making the bitter beer face and was completely freaked out that the doctor out his scrubs on in the room- she made some kind of "unsanitary" comment about that. I of course was more mortified that her doc gave her an episiotomy before she even started pushing and just told her after the fact... but annnny way....

My third son was a planned home birth.. but i did not share this information with her.. or any of our family because we lived in another state and i didn't want to deal with telling them... After my son arrived I did tell them that my son was born at home.. but none of them thought it was planned.. they all thought it was more of an emergency situation.. when i called my mom a few hours after DS was born she freaked out at first and made arrangements to fly up the next day. She met my midwife and loved her and kept saying things like "it's so nice that you would come to her house to do all of this!".

So this time when we moved back home I told my mom i was thinking i would just have another home birth since it went so well last time and she litterally yelled at me saying "you will not do that to me again!" and saying things like i need to have the baby the "right" way.. blah blah blah.. I know she loves me more than anything in the world and she is worried about my safety above all.. so i tried.. i went to a few OB's (where i was treated like crap for being obese even though i had hardly gained anything durring the pregnancy) and i also considered a nurse midwife that a friend of mine was seeing... until i read her birth story and it was full of the standard hospital interventions i would like to avoid... and then i decided that it was my baby and my birth and i needed to do what was/is right for me! So we started planning the home birth this time around as well.

We told DH's step mom and his dad and they were very supportive! Then we told DH's sister and his mother and while they made lots of "crazy" and "wierd comments they claim to support us in whatever we feel comfortable with.. now i'm in a position where i dont know what to do with my mom.. I have been lying to her.. whenever she brings up the hospital.. i never correct her.. i usually just try to change the subject.. but Dh's mom and sister have HUGE mouths.. and they strongly believe we need to tell my mom.. i have no doubt if i do not tell her.. they will.. which would obviously hurt her feelings.. so what do i do?!

i was thinking about telling her (and i know this is lying but it might be easier on her this way) that at the 36 week appointment we go over the birth plan with the midwife and that the midwife, my husband and i mutually agree to have the birth we want we should have a home birth.. she would come over early in labor and if things were not going well or i wanted to transfer we would head to the hospital at that time.

the only problem with this is i still think she would freak out and be ridiculously over stressed about the whole thing which would stress me out completely and i dont want to deal with that durring the last few weeks of my pregnancy or worry about it durring my labor..

ugh... what should i do?!

[Honey693]

I'm not telling my mom until after we have a healthy baby at home. If I have to transfer I don't want anyone saying "Thank goodness you went to the hospital, babies die at home, blah blah blah". And I don't want her to worry about me and the baby for the next 10 weeks or try and talk me out of it. DH really thinks I should tell her, but I refuse to deal with it.

[forumyonly1]

thanks Honey! It's nice to hear I'm not the only one who doesn't want to tell my mom ahead of time! Why does your DH want to tell her? My DH doesn't me to tell my mom ahead of time.. he thinks it will just stress us both out.. he's most likely completely right.. lol

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by forumyonly1

thanks Honey! It's nice to hear I'm not the only one who doesn't want to tell my mom ahead of time! Why does your DH want to tell her?

He thinks she'll be more supportive than I'm giving her credit for. This despite the fact that she was not happy I went with a family practitioner instead of an OB/GYN with my first daughter.

[forumyonly1]

lol if that's the case.. i think you are probably right

[jellybeanmumma]

It sounds like you don't want to tell her cause it will give you extra stress. You REALLY don't need extra stress. I reckon home births work for the exact reason that there is so much less stress than a hospital birth. I had to tell my mum about my home birth cause every one else on both sides knew but if I'd had a choice it would have been better not to. I educated myself about the facts and safety of it all. She relies on media and Dr say so and won't be told . You reach a point where you can no longer parent your parents. If she is off her anxiety meds it is her decision to get worked up over stuff and her choice to create situations where people will withhold the full truth. You've got to do what is best for you and your family. (Thankfully my mum was on her meds when I was going through this so she was slightly more mellow about it!!). You know deep down her worry is cause she loves you and wants what is best for you. You know what is best for you. And your baby. And your family. Have her round, create an open relaxed space, start talking about the birth and your hopes for natural with no intervention, then gauge how it is going as you are talking. If you feel its not going to work telling her at least you have tried and if she brings it up later you can point this out. Good luck and enjoy the birth. Home birth is AWESOME!

[laohaire]

You have every right not to tell non-supportive people.

[MittensKittens]

I agree that the OP, or anyone else, has every right not to tell non supportive people, or anyone for that matter. Birth is a private matter. But, if the OP's mother will get the info from elsewhere anyway, that might cause even more stress! Sorry to hear you are having these problems, that sucks!

[forumyonly1]

thanks ladies i feel a lot better about it today! i think i will try to ease her in to it the next time i talk to her and see how she responds.. and i'll decide from there how much i will tell her before hand. i will tell her the baby was born at home after she is born because i know she will see dh's family and i'm sure they will make some sort of "crazy" comments about our birth choice.... but until then i dont think they will be around each other so it should be fine! thanks guys!

[MegBoz]

It sounds to me like you have some very serious "boundary" issues with your mom. Issues that go way beyond birth.

I think you need to decide, are you a grown woman who makes her own choices, or are you still her baby in need of her 'approval' before moving forward with your plans?

Thankfully, my Mom & MIL are both good about boundaries. They're opinionated & voice their opinions, but they don't try to force their opinions onto me. They respect my autonomy. They respect me as an adult. They respect that I'm educated, intelligent, rational, and capable of living my own life. They respect the fact that DH & I are in charge of our family & our choices are what matter. If they disagree, they're going to have to just accept our choice, otherwise if they nag us, they won't be too welcome in our home anymore.

I think this is healthy & good. I think this is the way a relationship between an independent, adult child & their parents should be. (I say "independent" because if you are financially dependent on your parents, such as living with them, then it makes sense to have a different dynamic.)

Is that the type of relationship you want with your mom or not? I think that's a decision you have to make here. I think this is about so much more than birth.

[MegBoz]

Just realized, I should add something before I sound like a massive hypocrite!

I've said before on these boards that I don't want to tell my Mom & MIL because:
-I don't want the stress of their nagging/worrying
but mostly:
-If I do transfer, I don't want to hear the, "THANK GOD YOU TRANSFERRED! Oh what would have happened if you stayed home??! I can't believe you tried to stay home in the first place." Just don't want to deal with that.

But I'm only 9 weeks now & reconsidering telling them. I do know that if I DO tell them, I will basically:
1. Try hard to educate them on the fact that it really is not dangerous.
Which, of course, involves sharing movies, books, & maybe even inviting them to meet my midwife & quiz her personally if they like.

2. If they still can't get on board, tell them, "This is my decision and I don't need you putting your stress onto me. If you can't be supportive, then we just won't discuss it at all."

I'd put my foot down like that if they stayed stressed about it. But I don't think it would have to come to that (which is why I'm reconsidering telling them.)

[honeybee]

Since you've already told dh's family and they have big mouths, you don't really have a choice. You'll have to deal with your mom's reactions one way or another, so the question is do you want to deal with her hurt feelings as well as her freak-out, or just deal with the freak-out?

You can't control her reactions, you can just try to make a plan for how you're going to deal with them. After breaking the news, I would say something like "Mom, I hear that you're really worried and concerned. I'm sorry about that. But you know I would never do anything to endanger myself or my baby. I'm very confident our midwife can handle anything that comes up and we will transfer to the hospital if we need to. I've done the reesarch, and I know this is the safest option for us. You don't have to agree, but I am asking you to trust me."

And if she doesn't, then you just have to make the subject off limits. "I appreciate your concern, but we've made our decision and the subject is closed."

If she's willing to talk openly, you could choose to share some of your research and answer "what if" questions, but if she's not really listening and is just laying the guilt trips and making this about her hysteria, then you just need to keep your distance and make the subject off limits.

Hugs... dealing with parents can be hard.

ETA: I did choose not to tell my dad/stepmom and my ILs with our first homebirth, until about 38/9 weeks. My mom did know, but she knows how to keep her mouth shut if she's asked to. So, I totally support not telling people... it's just that if you believe there's a good chance the info will get out beforehand, you might want to consider that factor.

[peainthepod]

Would she be open to watching The Business of Being Born? That movie has helped more people I know warm up to the idea of homebirth than any other resource. Rikki Lake did a huge service to the homebirth and natural childbirth community with that documentary.

In the end, you're not responsible for your mother's insecurities and fears. You're a grown woman making her own birth choices and your mother needs to live with that if she wants to be involved in your life. I think your DH also needs to tell his family that the unwanted "crazy" commentary is not okay. No one has the right to ridicule your choices and expect you to tolerate it. They don't have to like them, they don't have to agree, but you don't have to listen to their complaints. Mature adults understand that other adults will sometimes do things they don't agree with. I'd have DH step up here and present a united front to his family. You do NOT need to be worrying about dealing with your in-laws AND your mother on top of everything else!

Whatever you do, try not to let others dump their own fears and problems on you, especially during what should be such a peaceful and joyful time for you. It's okay not to answer the phone if you know the person who's calling is only going to stress you out. It's okay not to answer the door! Protect your headspace, mama. You deserve to have a quiet, lovely birth without taking on the world's problems. And maybe after it's over and things have settled down, you can work on setting firmer boundaries with your mother and in-laws.

[elus0814]

I wasn't planning on telling anyone in my family until after then when my grandma and sister came to visit from out of state. They asked about the midwifery phone number on the caller id. I said, yes I have a midwife. Then my grandma asked if the baby would be born here or at a hospital and I said here. I was kind of caught off guard and in the moment decided not to try and fib about it. My grandma ended up being very cool with it, she simply said that she was born at home too back when everyone was starting to go to hospitals. My sister didn't say much but she's usually ok with things like that. I'm not sure if they'll tell either my mom or dad but we'll see. Sometimes people will surprise you.

In your situation it might be best for your mom to find out ahead of time because she will likely be told by someone but if you think it would cause stress for you then it might be best to avoid telling her until after.

[nadoja]

I am eating a vegan diet while pregnant... My Mother freaked.

I told my mother I am having a Water Birth... My Mother freaked.

I told my Mother the Baby will not be baptized... My Mother freaked.

I am not a rebel by any means. These are choices that my husband and I made together as parents for our child in that we feel are the best choices for our new family. My Mother, and yours need to learn to accept the different choices made in our lives. Listen to what you your Mother has to say, acknowledge it, thank her for her concern. She has more experience on this planet than you do, and has the wisdom to accept your differences .