Help, what do I tell my doula!?!

[Blue_Spiral]

I feel like a whiny baby, since usually I am very straight forward - but I am having a bit of a dilemma here. I don't know if this is the right board to post this on, so I'm sorry if it's not.

Initially I was planning on having my baby at a birth center, but now I am doing a UC.

Even when planning for the birth center I was questioning even having a doula.

I guess I don't need to explain myself - The only thing that matters is I don't really want a doula anymore. Almost as soon as I contacted her I wasn't sure of it. I like her as a person. That's not the problem.

But, this is the issue. If I was paying her I would just tell her I don't need her for the birth anymore. I still want her there for me post-partum.
But, this is for her certification. She is still a "student" doula.
I feel bad about taking this away from her.
I want to just do what I'm doing with my midwife and tell her it was an accident at home, but I wanted my relationship with her to be more open than that!

I guess to be honest, another part of me also feels self-conscious because I am a first time mom and she has two kids and I worry that she will think she knows better than I do, what I need for the birth. I am not aware of her stance on unassisted birth...

She has been to the birth center before for births and knows a couple of the midwives there and I worry that she might not trust my decision and tell them and then that will be a big load of stress on me.

I'm overthinking this, but... any words of wisdom???

Thanks for listening...

[AGF]

I would just say something along the lines of that you really appreciate her offering of her expertise, but that you have changed your birth plan and no longer need doula services. I would then thank her very much and wish her the best as she starts her career.

She will get lots of chances at her student certification, you only get one at the birth of your first born.

Best to you!

[urbanpixie]

As a Doula in Training that is working for free this would be my advice.
Be honest with her, tell her you have decided to go unassisted at the birth but you would like her care postpartum.
She probably has other clients she could take on instead and the sooner she knows, the better so she can schedule them.
Also, if she supports you in pregnancy, and postpartum there is a chance that could still work for her certification depending on the program she is.
Most women I know who are doulas have a belief that birth should be exactly what the mother wants as it's a transformation time and very sacred. If she feels like most of us then she will want your birth to be just the way you want it and not feel at all upset at your change of heart.
Birth will go most smoothly if you are following your heart.
Good luck!

[AtYourCervices]

I've had two UCs. One, I actually did have a doula attend. The other, I did completely solo. Even my husband didn't make the solo birth, as he was out of town.

The UC with the doula was the most beautiful birth I've had! I occasionally left the room, to meditate, listen to my body, etc. The wonderful thing was my doula didn't try to follow me. She wasn't invasive. She could read my body language, and she understood my needs. And, that was the first birth that doula attended, other than her own! I gave birth on my knees, hugging my doula, while the babe slipped out into her daddy's hands. We had a lotus birth. My doula changed the sheets, fluffed my pillows, and started the wash without having to be asked. It was wonderful to not have to worry about it. No stress at all.

The second UC was a completely solo birth. My husband was out of town. Our son was born into my hands. Then, I had to clean up everything on my own. It just felt like a normal day, doing chores, cleaning up, with a little break to welcome a baby into the world.

I'd take a doula attended UC over a solo birth any day (for me, personally).

I think the biggest benefit of having a doula attend the UC, in my opinion, was that her presence seemed to allow me to give myself permission to bask in my womanly power.

Don't worry about the definition of a UC. Make up your own rules. If you feel you would benefit from the presence of another female at your birth, go ahead and keep her on. Don't feel any less "crunchy", just because your birth wasn't solo. Forget about the crunchy label. I've known way too many UC'ers who had a solo birth simply because they felt guilted into it because solo birth = complete trust/faith in God or solo birth = crunchiest crunching hippie around.

Before coming to any absolute conclusion on this, I'd suggest you fish for the doula's opinion of UC. If you feel you have to be sneaky about it, go ahead. Maybe write her an e-mail from a fake account, telling her you heard about her through such and such means and you're considering hiring a doula for your UC, then sign it under a different name. That way, she'll give you a more honest opinion since she'll believe she hasn't met you yet, plus you won't have to worry about her outing you to the midwives if she's not supportive of UC.

Good luck!

[Blue_Spiral]

Thanks so much for your answers.

My intention with wanting to be just me and my husband isn't really about trying to be as alone and crunchy as possible - at least it's not in my conscious mind lol.

I attended a birth at the same birth center a few years ago and I loved the way the staff never interfered except to check the heartbeat, and I felt that I would love to have just me and my husband anyway - even if we were at the birth center.

So, the desire for it to just be us, comes more from an emotional place.

I was thinking of inviting the doula to come after the birth... I think that's a good compromise and I wouldn't feel at all invaded. I don't have a problem with anyone being there a couple hours afterwards, I think...

I mean, I'll not know specifics like that until I get there but... I do agree that it would be nice to have someone around to help afterwards.

While I'm on the topic....

The birth center says that they send a midwife to your house two days post-partum. My mom said she didn't think they would come unless I had been checked out by a doctor first...

Do you think that's true??

I tend to think it might be, since it seems to be the common practice with accidental unassisted births to go to the hospital right away.

If I don't, it will be a pretty big clue that I did it on purpose - but I don't really care if they think that once it's done.

Anyway... I'll leave it at that for now...

[MsBlack]

Why not just say, "I've decided not to have a doula after all" (true and simple). You might want to add that you've been reading about/seen births where mom and dad get lots of alone time, and that upon reflection you felt very drawn to that. And thank her for her time and help so far.

And yes, do it soon--but keep it simple. Personally, I wouldn't tell her I was UCing (I'm a UC mom).

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by Blue_Spiral

I feel like a whiny baby, since usually I am very straight forward - but I am having a bit of a dilemma here. I don't know if this is the right board to post this on, so I'm sorry if it's not.

Initially I was planning on having my baby at a birth center, but now I am doing a UC.

Even when planning for the birth center I was questioning even having a doula.

I guess I don't need to explain myself - The only thing that matters is I don't really want a doula anymore. Almost as soon as I contacted her I wasn't sure of it. I like her as a person. That's not the problem.

But, this is the issue. If I was paying her I would just tell her I don't need her for the birth anymore. I still want her there for me post-partum.
But, this is for her certification. She is still a "student" doula.
I feel bad about taking this away from her.
I want to just do what I'm doing with my midwife and tell her it was an accident at home, but I wanted my relationship with her to be more open than that!

I guess to be honest, another part of me also feels self-conscious because I am a first time mom and she has two kids and I worry that she will think she knows better than I do, what I need for the birth. I am not aware of her stance on unassisted birth...

She has been to the birth center before for births and knows a couple of the midwives there and I worry that she might not trust my decision and tell them and then that will be a big load of stress on me.

I'm overthinking this, but... any words of wisdom???

Thanks for listening...

Just be honest. She can't use your birth for certification anyway if there is no midwife or OB there to do the evaluation form for her in most cases. Just tell her your plans have changed and you are sorry that you won't need her services.

[Mamabeakley]

Whether she can use your birth for certification if she's only there postpartum really depends on what organization she's certifying with. DONA, no. BFW, yes. I don't know about others.

I don't know her, so I don't really know what I'd suggest doing. But I do know that I'd be more disappointed by not being called to a birth than by being let go before a birth for reasons unrelated to me. I'd emphasize that it's not because you don't like her and that you're not seeking another doula if you do decide to talk to her about it.

[Blue_Spiral]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

Just be honest. She can't use your birth for certification anyway if there is no midwife or OB there to do the evaluation form for her in most cases. Just tell her your plans have changed and you are sorry that you won't need her services.

Ah yeah. I didn't even think about that!

[courtenay_e]

She could use the birth for ALACE, and if you don't tell her, and she turns other certifiable births DOWN cause she is on call for you and then you don't call her, that would really stink. Really stink.

That said, as a doula, it's in my contract that I don't attend UC's. Not because I don't believe in your right to have them, or that I don't philosophically support them...but I would be the "birth professional" in the room...and if something went wrong, that would mean that I was potentially the one with the "responsibility" legally. And if I'm the one with the legal responsibility I'm gonna get paid a HECK of a lot more than I do as a doula.

I would contact her as soon as possible, and tell her the truth. You have decided that you won't need her. You're really sorry, you like her, it has nothing to do with her, you have just discovered that your needs are different than you thought they were when you agreed to have her at your birth. She will probably be really bummed...that said, frankly, it would be very difficult for me to attend a birth and be comfortable with a woman who said they didn't want a doula there afterall, and it's much better to only attend births where you are comfortable with the vibe.

[phathui5]

Please be honest with her. As a doula, my life is on hold when I have a mom who is due to give birth soon. I can't travel. I don't make plans with the kids that are over a half hour away. I don't feel like I can have more than one beer.

If you know you're not going to call her, let her know.

[JessicaE]

I agree with what the others have said... Please tell her as soon as possible!

For yourself, it does not feel good to have anything other than truth and beauty surrounding your birth. It would be better, I'd think, to have a clear and honest space around you when you greet this tiny person, without having to feel guilty about not calling her, and then having to break the news during your sweet baby moon.

And please tell her now for her sake... She is going ON CALL for you, and that is a lot to ask of someone whom you are no longer planning to invite to your birth. That means she will not go on vacation, she will not stay up late, she might have no wine at that dinner with friends or only one glass instead of two, she will be using up mental and emotional energy thinking about your and your baby and her place in this birth... It is only fair to her to let her know.

Hard discussion, but you are definitely doing the right thing for telling her!

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by Blue_Spiral

While I'm on the topic....

The birth center says that they send a midwife to your house two days post-partum. My mom said she didn't think they would come unless I had been checked out by a doctor first...

Do you think that's true??

I tend to think it might be, since it seems to be the common practice with accidental unassisted births to go to the hospital right away.
...

I'm not sure if it be different if you didn't birth with them...but my midwife came out at 2 days and then a couple of more times since my son had a tongue tie and lost weight. They did all of the later follow ups too. I haven't seen a doctor since and my son didn't see one until he was about 6 months old. He's never been to a hospital.

[sweet.p]

Originally Posted by Blue_Spiral

She has been to the birth center before for births and knows a couple of the midwives there and I worry that she might not trust my decision and tell them and then that will be a big load of stress on me.

I'm overthinking this, but... any words of wisdom???

Thanks for listening...

You want to lie to your midwife and you are worried about the doula telling your midwife you will be lying to her.

Lying is alot of work.
Just tell the truth and be responsible for yourself.

[sweet.p]

Originally Posted by Blue_Spiral

While I'm on the topic....

The birth center says that they send a midwife to your house two days post-partum. My mom said she didn't think they would come unless I had been checked out by a doctor first...

Do you think that's true??

I tend to think it might be, since it seems to be the common practice with accidental unassisted births to go to the hospital right away.

If I don't, it will be a pretty big clue that I did it on purpose - but I don't really care if they think that once it's done.

Anyway... I'll leave it at that for now...

Seems as if having a uc is making you create layers of lies to the midwifes and to doulas. Stop all of that, it will never serve you well giving birth.

Too many lies for you to keep in order with the midwifes, stop lying and let go of your midwife if you don't want to birth with a midwife.

At least respect her enough to give her a choice if she wants to care for you postpartum, you might be surprised, she could say yes.