fear of baby annoying others

[P.J.]

Please help me got over caring what other people think. Our DS is only 10 weeks, but I can already tell I need to get over this crippling fear that wherever we go he may cry or scream and other people will inevitably be annoyed and send me awful looks and *yipes* maybe approach us and say something. He was rather colicky and is just getting out of that now, so we've only in the last couple weeks started going out more with him. I am eager to take him into the city though, just because I miss it and there are sometimes errands I need to run there and I'm sick of having to arrange with DH every time I need to get something from the city. I want to visit friends and go for coffee, and I think for the most part he's ready for short jaunts. But I'm terrified of taking the train and going into shops with him. What if he starts screaming? He still does sometimes, out of the blue, for no known reason. I reckon he may always for some years....and obviously once he becomes a toddler I will have to face tantrums in public. It happens to everyone, right?
We are planning a holiday in a couple months and I asked DH if we could stay in a family-friendly hotel (we usually prefer getting a self-catering apartment hotel) b/c I'm so scared of the baby crying, esp. at night (he usually doesn't but who knows once we change his routine on a holiday) and upsetting our neighbors. DH said no way, why should we sacrifice our usual preferences (admittedly the family oriented hotels are usually lower quality and we like to have our own kitchen and living room, etc). He's right. But I cannot even face thinking about an angry neighbor banging down our door at 1am yelling at us to shut our baby up. Sometimes he just cries and there is no shutting him up.
And we're flying to the US for Christmas....several very long flights....he'll be 7 months then but I am already so scared for the flights and annoying other people.

Please help me, tell me how you deal with other people getting annoyed when your baby cries in public, on a plane, etc. or if you have older kids, toddlers and tantrums. How do you get to a place where you can say "You know what, I'm doing my best and if they are annoyed it really isn't my problem."???? How do you stay calm in those moments? I know the baby totally picks up on my moods and energy, and when I get all upset he gets even worse. I wish I could just stay calm if he's fussing and crying, I can't soothe/stop him, and other people don't like it. I'm gonna have to get over this sooner or later, or it's really going to be a lot less fun doing things with baby/kiddos.

[SilverFish]

i think you have to realize that this is mostly a fear of people judging you. right? that is what it was for me, anyway. if my baby is unhappy in public, it means that everyone will *know* that this is all a big mistake and i really have no idea what i'm doing! once you realize that this isn't really about the kid, it's about you, then it's easier to deal with.

secondly, in my dealings with the general public, i tend to use myself as the standard. obviously, it's impossible to know how other people think and feel at all times. you can imagine what they're thinking, but it's really impossible to know for sure. so i try to act in a way that *i* would not find annoying or disruptive if i were a stranger, and leave it at that. would you find your baby's crying annoying if you were a stranger witnessing it? think about how you feel when you see another baby crying, do you automatically assume that the parents are crap who don't care about how they might be disturbing others? are you able to look past the noise and feel sympathy for parents who look like they're trying their best? if you are able to do that, then other people are too.

when i don't have my baby with me, i'm invisible... just another person in the crowd. when i have my baby, suddenly everyone sees me. it's a bit unnerving, but i have to tell you, no one has EVER said a negative word to me about her crying or fussing. i get sympathetic looks from older ladies, and that is it. i get plenty of comments about how cute, how small, how sweet she is, i get told she's too warm, too cold, too young to be outside. but never does anyone suggest i'm a bad person for her fussing in public.

it's also easy to jump ahead when you have a baby and automatically start thinking about one year, two years, 5 years from now. my advice is NOT to do that. you'll only drive yourself crazy (in this instance and in others). you have a newborn right now, so focus on that, and don't start "borrowing trouble" as they say. we went out to dinner and movies a lot with a newborn, actually, because she would sleep through the whole thing, and nursing solved every complaint. we've had to cut back on those excursions, because now we have a baby who doesn't sleep through anything, wants to talk and interact etc. each stage has its own challenges and easy bits, and you won't know what they are until you get there. it sounds like the newborn weeks were quite challenging for you... you may very well find that he becomes much easier as he grows out of his colicky phase.

finally, the people who are very outspoken about their dislike of having to see or hear other people's children make any noise are (in my experience) close-minded and unsympathetic people in general. bashing parents whose kids ever make any kind of disturbance is very popular... i've found that these people are often bothered by other kinds of noise and activity which it isn't PC to complain about. so it seems like children are on the top of their list of things they find annoying, but really, they just know that it is socially acceptable to complain about kids, and not socially acceptable to complain about the other kinds of noises and disturbances that other groups of people make in public all the time. don't take these things to heart. having kids is a personal choice, obviously, but it's a biological imperative too.

i hope you do manage to alleviate some of your fears and get out there. as exhausting as it sometimes is to get out with a baby, i have to say, being out and about with my daughter is incredibly fulfilling... even at such a young age, it's so exciting to see her taking everything in and learning how to interact with the world.

[aikigypsy]

We travelled a lot with DD in her first year -- many trans-Atlantic flights (US to and from Ireland), several nights in youth hostels (with a family room), and some nights in hotels. I don't recall a single comment about her fussing or being too loud, but then, she is a very social person and always seemed to enjoy the changes of scenery, and generally slept as well as she did at home (or better, because she was so tired from all the excitement).

Try not to worry about what other people are thinking. Focus on the baby and relaxing yourself as you travel.

You will be fine.

[tzs]

i was also terrified of my babe screaming on the plane. when we finally went there was another screaming baby on the plane and ya know what....you can't even really hear them past one row back, the white noise of the plane just drowns it out. i think the reputation of the screaming baby on the plane thing is just a cliche because once you really notice these things it's not a big deal at all.

[Norasmomma]

Well my take is it's none of their business. I had to take that attitude after my DD because she is a "spirited" kid and was as a baby. I have had comments. I live in a small town, I know almost everyone, but we also are in a very touristy area, so all summer there are tourists.

I did get accosted by an evil elderly couple when DD was 19 months, she was/is a LOUD kid. Screeching in the store was her thing, but we needed food and so of course trips to the grocery store were a necessity. On this particular day she was tired, it was naptime. The screeching was loud but not deafening, my DD was also a large toddler, she was the size of many 3 year olds, but at 19 months very much a baby. Anyway she's screeching and melting-down at the checkout, I knew the checker we chuckled about it. As I left the store a couple slowly approached me in their car, I thought they were tourists going to ask for directions. Instead, the woman rolls down the window and asks, "Is she mentally ill?!" and points to DD. To say the least I was shocked, flabbergasted at the comment and her blatant rudeness. In my state of confusion I just said "are you serious or joking?" She said "yes" I said, "uh yes what?" Her " I AM serious." I then didn't really know what to say and told her I found her completely rude and offensive. Then her hubby jumped my case and told me what a terrible mother I was and what the hell was I doing with a kid? By this time I was shaking mad, the woman started hitting his leg like we are upsetting her, let's get out of here. I then told them to go screw themselves. In my non-parent days I probably would have said a lot worse, but didn't want to cuss out some strangers in front of my baby. Yeah I'm a terrible mom.

Moral of the story-it may happen, and it may not be your fault, your baby's fault or anything. Some people feel it is their business to tell you how to parent, that incident made me a better mom, my mama bear instinct now would cuss the people out for the sake of protecting my kids. Don't mess with mama bear

[TnMsMama]

Some folks say my DD is spoiled, I say she's well taken care of (LOL) but when she wants to nurse, SHE WANTS TO NURSE. So I can either deal with her screaming, or I plonk down where I can find a spot and nurse her. I've found that if I do it in the diaper aisle at the grocery store, most people find it amusing... I've nursed on a bench at Old Navy, in the cafe at Whole Foods - whereever I happen to be. Most people would rather chance a glimpse at my boob than listen ot my daughter's wails.

I'm lucky in that really the only time she loses it is when she wants to nurse and can't. Most of the time she's readily amused with a toy or a silly face or song.

Frankly, if people want to give me a hard time about my kiddo, they can kiss my.. ankle.

[Gimme Pineapple]

I had a really huge problem with this when DS was a newborn. He is now almost 8 months. If we went somewhere and he started crying, I would break into a sweat. Then I would get anxious, try to shush him, he could sense how tense I was, and then he would meltdown. I absolutely HATE for attention to be drawn to me. However, I knew that if I didn't get over it, we would have many miserable years ahead. I also suffered with extreme social anxiety when I was a teenager, but I didn't want my son to ever experience panic attacks and all that comes with that.

One thing I had to set firm in my mind: My baby is a person, he has a right to be in a restaurant, in a hotel, in a museum. When people go in public, there is a certain amount of interruption they have to deal with. Of course, if DS is having a meltdown, I pick him up and leave until he is calm. There just needs to be balance.

Once my mom and I were at Carrabba's on a Sunday afternoon. Prime family time right? It is a nicer restaurant, but I didn't really think anything of it. We went after church for lunch and Ethan starts having fussing. Fussing turns into crying. The man at the next table is giving us horrible looks. I pick Baby E up and take him into the lobby. He gets calm, he's sweet and smiling. I go back in. He starts SCREAMING as soon as I put him back in the high chair. More dirty looks. I tell my mom "Just get it to go." At this point, I am nervous and sweating and our appetizer has just come. As I pick Ethan up and start leaving the man says "Thank you!" as I leave. It was horrible and embarrassing and I really wanted to put my baby down and punch him, but in the end- I'll never see that man again. And we went back to Carrabba's a couple of days ago and it was DELISH and Ethan was an angel.

Some people are rude and hate children. They aren't the norm though. Most have been in your shoes and had babies at one point. And if you get anxious when people look at your crying baby, always have an escape plan before you go somewhere. And carry cash. It comes in handy if you have to leave in a hurry.

[Tway]

I don't think you're being overly cautious at all--I think it really depends on the situation. I used to fret about DD crying and would rush home when she did, but I realized 2 things:

1) Most people are pretty OK with a baby fussing and crying in public
2) That said, sometimes it's not fair on others to stick around with a crying baby

The first time DH and I went for supper alone without DD, we chose a fancy place not far from home. And who should come in but a couple with a baby about as young as our DD was (just under 2 months, I believe). That poor baby cried and fussed at having to sit at the cramped table in her sling, and the parents took turns walking her up and down the very small restaurant. It was not the place for a baby, and I found the couple a little inconsiderate to be keeping the poor thing up, and to be interrupting others' night out. I'm not saying a baby shouldn't be in a restaurant, but coming at lunchtime or for an early dinner when less people were around would have been more considerate.

Being parent is a lifestyle change and choice, and I just try to gauge when perhaps it's not appropriate to bring DD along. That said, I've also noticed people really love babies, so we go most places all together!

[Peony]

Originally Posted by Tway

I don't think you're being overly cautious at all--I think it really depends on the situation. I used to fret about DD crying and would rush home when she did, but I realized 2 things:

1) Most people are pretty OK with a baby fussing and crying in public
2) That said, sometimes it's not fair on others to stick around with a crying baby

The first time DH and I went for supper alone without DD, we chose a fancy place not far from home. And who should come in but a couple with a baby about as young as our DD was (just under 2 months, I believe). That poor baby cried and fussed at having to sit at the cramped table in her sling, and the parents took turns walking her up and down the very small restaurant. It was not the place for a baby, and I found the couple a little inconsiderate to be keeping the poor thing up, and to be interrupting others' night out. I'm not saying a baby shouldn't be in a restaurant, but coming at lunchtime or for an early dinner when less people were around would have been more considerate.

Being parent is a lifestyle change and choice, and I just try to gauge when perhaps it's not appropriate to bring DD along. That said, I've also noticed people really love babies, so we go most places all together!

I agree. we stick to family style restaurants and hotels now. I just went on a business trip with DH and we stayed at a different hotel then he always stays at because we did have children along that are noisy. I might bring one of my children to a nicer restaurant but they have to be old enough not to disrupt others. While I am ok with children being children I also don't want to listen to another child screaming nonstop either. My ears hear enough of it from my own kids! I would remove myself and my child from the store, restaurant, etc... But it happens. The last flight we took, the baby did cry, and cry. There was nothing I could do about it but hold him and attempt to comfort him.

[angelachristin]

I guess I am the opposite of this, I have never worried about my baby or toddler upsetting or disturbing anyone. I think I am one of those annoying mothers who thinks everyone else is as enchanted with her children as she is. Haha. But seriously, people have to realize that they share the world with others and babies are people and if they don't like it, too bad!

[intrepidmother]

I don't take my LO to nice restaurants because when I go, I don't want to spend a lot of money listening to a baby cry. AND if my LO is crying, then I don't enjoy it either.

However, it sounds like the OP is worried about most/all scenarios and the truth is... babies cry. And it's OK. I was worried a lot about that, but then I tried it. I went to the store for the first time, on an airplane, on the bus... etc. And, for the most part, it was fantastic. My LO rarely cried. Sometimes she screamed (I got a screamer as well) and I got a lot of looks. When that happens, I force myself not to look at other people. I don't want to see the looks and so I don't look around. It helps.

P.J. - you still have to live your life and if you are going to be always worried about the baby, you will never do anything. You gotta do what you want to do and just TRY it. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Good luck!

[P.J.]

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories, viewpoints and advice, and I'd be happy to hear even more if anyone else has any.

It's given me a good reminder that I just need to get out there with baby Max and enjoy life with him! It'll help me to remember that indeed most people do have their own kids and will be able to feel compassion for us if the baby's screaming, and as for the others, it's a great idea just not to look at them and don't bother with them at all. And BTW I definitely wouldn't bring him to a fancy restaurant or anyplace like that where babies are just out of place entirely. And of course wherever we are, if there's a way to take him somewhere else to quiet him I would. But yeah, sometimes you just have to deal, like on a train, plane, etc.
I also agree that most likely I'll be pleasantly surprised. So far that's been the case in the last couple weeks every time we've brought him out.

Here's to living life to the fullest...with our babies!!!

[lookatreestar]

aw that reminds me, we had a lay over once when my dd was just barely 4 months old. we sat on the strip for almost 40 minutes. and she was screaming the whole time. i got the meanest looks from this jerk who was in this early 30s who was obviously never a baby. he just kept looking back at me all pissed off like "ugh can't you shut that thing up :". i think i started crying too. it was just awful because i was trapped. most situations, stores, restaurants, events you can just excuse yourself and be done with it. since then my dd has been on many flights and it was just a fluke. there will always be people who don't remember what it was like having kids, have never had kids, don't like kids etc. that is okay, just be in the moment with your own baby and you will be fine!

[slimkins]

Assuming you are doing everything to console your LO, then there is nothing else you can worry about.

and just remind the people that might be bothered by your LO, that whether or not they have kids... they were once one and annoyed somebody.

I do fear that happening in some situations, but I refuse to let it keep me from doing things. I have enough to worry about, that I try to do everything possible to keep any "hypothetical worries" from making me more stressed.

[MeredithK]

I can totally relate to your worries. DS is 10 months now and I still worry about it. But, I can say from experience, that if I had to do it all over again, I would just try to get over my fear. It took me until he was about 5 months to start getting out more. I wish I had done it sooner. Since we spent so much time at home, he only got used to nursing at home. So, now, he won't nurse any where else. So, that is definitely one thing I regret.

We're flying for the first time next week and I'm terrified of it. DS hates the car, hates being in one spot for more than a few minutes. But, I'm doing it anyway. It will be an adventure. I'm trying to be open to surprises and to remember that even if it is the worst day ever, it will be over soon. It's hard to not worry about what other people think, but it's even worse to avoid life because of it.

It does get easier as they get older though and you get more comfortable parenting. Even my DH isn't scared of the crying/fussing in public anymore and that's huge!

Good luck!