If it's not dementia, what is it?

[SuburbanHippie]

My grandmother is 89. She's been getting progressively worse in her mental condition for the past 15 years or so. Her neurologist said she doesn't have any signs of dementia; however, he only sees the brain scans and not how she actually acts.

For the past 15 years she claims someone is breaking into her house and doing stuff. It used to be blamed on my uncle, but then he moved far away. Now she has created an alternate, fictional persona that does these things to her. It can be anything from someone bringing in an old container of crackers (she is a hoarder as well) to someone coming in and switching out her laundry machine's hose from a rubber one to a plastic one. I'm not kidding. It's bizarre.

We've tried being supportive. My mom has tried telling her that it's not really happening and she's just misplacing things. She gets argumentative and says she'll take her out of her will. I've tried just listening to her and nodding my head. Well, that has back fired. She's been calling the police and reporting these things happening now. It's getting out of control.

She won't go into a nursing home or an assisted living facility. She doesn't want to leave her house. She goes crazy, screaming etc, when someone brings it up. My aunt lives with her, but isn't home that much because she just can't take it. I visit once a week, but that's as much as I can mentally take. Last Sunday, she told me The Beatles were going to have a concert in my town. I tried telling her that some of them were dead and she got irritated with me.

Her doctor is of no assistance. He says she's perfectly fine because she acts normal in front of him. It's like it's a manipulative game or something. She may not even know she's doing it. I don't know what to think. He says that unless she decides to go into a nursing home or whatever, he can't do anything. He won't even suggest it to her.

I'm at a loss on what to do. My hands are tied. Do I just continue smiling and nodding when she says someone broke in and wore down the kitchen linoleum that she's had since 1950? Do I just let her continue calling the police for no reason? We never thought it would get this bad. Honestly, we didn't think she would make it this long. I just don't know how much more we can take.

[Arduinna]

Is she seeing a Dr that specializes in geriatrics? Has she had a professional mental health evaluation?

[SuburbanHippie]

No, she's seeing the same doctor she's been seeing for the past few decades. He's a family practitioner. He did give her a mental health eval. He told my aunt that she does seem to have a little bit of dementia, but it wasn't a "big deal." I'll look into a geriatric doctor. Thanks.

[Zevy]

dementia can't be diagnosed via brain scans. What she needs is to see a neuropsychologist or a geriatric doctor. What you are describing IS early signs of dementia.

Good luck.

[SuburbanHippie]

I visited her yesterday and she went on the same tirade of people breaking into her house and she has made up an elaborate story on why he selected her. Completely irrational, but if you're senile then I suppose it makes perfect sense.

I gently suggested to her that we try out a new doctor. I told her that I found a couple that were really close and they specialize in elderly patients. Well lets just say that didn't go over well. She started ranting that her doctor was the best doctor in the world and she doesn't need to see any new doctor. They won't know her history like he does etc. She thinks we're going to try to take her to a nursing home (uh, yes that is exactly it!). She doesn't want to leave her house etc. She got really mad at me.

I guess I'll just keep suggesting it and risk her wrath.

[GinnyMama]

I know very little about dementia, but I do have a question. You know your grandmother... what are the odds that she is doing this to get attention? That years ago, she began feeling left out, and realized somehow or another that if she acted this way then she would get attention for it?

And then, years progress... perhaps she DOES get the early signs of dementia, maybe not, but either way, she is so used to lying and acting that way that she begins to think it is normal and real?

Just spouting a theory here. I just know that if we were talking about someone middle-aged or young that was doing these things, yet acting completely rational and normal in front of her doctor, then I would think it was an act.

But like I said, I know little about dementia. I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through, and I sincerely hope that you can get *something* sorted out soon.

[SuburbanHippie]

Oh I definitely have thought on several occasions that she is doing this all for attention. My mom and aunt have also thought this. It's hard interacting with her for more than an hour though. We've tried to get her to go somewhere with us, telling her we can push her in a wheel chair. She won't. We've tried to have her get involved in the senior center and she wants nothing to do with it.

I don't think I will be talking to her anymore though. She called my mom this morning accusing me of stealing money from her. Back in June during one of our lawn mowing days, my sister was chatting with her about school while I was outside mowing and mentioned that both her and I were taking out loans to cover the remaining tuition balance for next year. We both attend college (I go online). She insisted that she just give us money and gave us each the same amount of money. She wrote it in one check made out to me. I should have known better. She got her statement this morning and claims that I took twice the amount I was supposed to have taken. She also claims that I'm not in college despite the fact I just told her recently I had a 3.668 GPA. Of course, having her issues she doesn't remember.

My sister and I rushed down to see her (probably to her delight) and I blew up right off the bat. Blame it on PMS or the fact that I've never stolen anything in my life, let alone from my freaking grandmother. My sister talked to her calmly while my grandma screamed at her for a half hour. I sat outside in the car. My sister showed her that she herself wrote out the amount on the check before that, but she voided it because she thought it was sloppy. On the actual date she wrote the check, she threw out the carbon copy of the actual check (she made my sister write it and grandma signed it) so "nobody would know she was giving out money." Instead of saying she was wrong, she told my sister she would let us off this time.

So I'm basically done with her. She threatened to call the police on the only two grandchildren that actually talk to her. I refuse to deal with anymore mental abuse. I know I'm probably being immature, but I just can't have this toxic relationship in my life.

[Zevy]

That kind of paranoia is hallmark Alzheimers. I used to work with people with Alzheimers disease, and that is one of the very early signs. Its due to memory and attentional problems...people misplacing something, thinking they hear something, etc.

I understand wanting to give up, but this is actually quite dangerous. She could burn down her house or injure someone if she is out and about (I really REALLY hope she isn't driving). If she kills someone (or herself) you really don't want to live with the guilt.

She needs medical help as soon as possible. If you have to drag her to a doctor, please do so. You can't rationalize with someone with a brain disorder. And abuse is part of the brain disorder...just keep telling yourself that. Its a symptom of the problem.

[_ktg_]

My grandmother had Alzhiemer's with a very mild case of dementia, so I can and can't relate to everything you are going through. BUT - to assist with the dr., since he is not seeing what you are seeing during the visits, have her start journaling the events of her day. Also - you & your family need to journal/document all these events.

The journals gave my family a huge insight to my gram's condition when at first we just thought "oh she's getting forgetful" and etc. It also gave her a place to go back and "remember" safely some of the events, and since it was in her handwriting it took out the you're lying to me aspects and defensiveness.

The journal can be something simple - a notebook by the phone or on a counter. Just somewhere she can use it often, with an instructional page about what it is. Just in case.

[SuburbanHippie]

She's not driving, thank goodness. She hasn't driven in a few years.

Through the grapevine (from aunt to my mother to me lol) I heard that all is back to normal, which is just puzzling to me. She asked my aunt to find out if we were coming down to mow her lawn next week.

My aunt has documented these events in the past and talked to her doctor. He says, "She has to want to go on her own." My mom talked to him again last week and he said the same thing.

I'll let my mom and aunt know they need to keep documenting. Maybe they can trick her into seeing a geriatric doctor.

I'm still so hurt. It's not just this instance. It's a lifelong distance she's put between us. She's never been a real grandmother to me. She's been the constant negative person who is obsessed with money and hoarding. She's never said "I love you" or wished me "Happy Birthday" even. She's never said either to my mother either. For now, this is it for me. Maybe in a while I can muster up the courage to face her again.