21mo... and NOTHING gets done

[heatherdeg]

I have a 21mo dd and a 6yo ds. I'm a SAHM and homeschool my 6yo.

Well... I DID.

Dd makes it seriously impossible to get anything done. Not just homeschooling, but we just moved and then 2 weeks later had a flood in the basement. So we've been here 2-1/2 weeks and it's STILL a tornado with no end in sight.

She doesn't nap and when she does, it's 30 minutes max. She doesn't sleep until 9:30pm and is up at 6am. Honestly, I try to do some work when she sleeps but I REALLY need sleep or I get supremely grumpy. I'm not sure what the issue is, but it's an issue. And I've been doing it anyway and just being "mean mommy"... and that can't really continue.

On top of her totally demanding every second of my time (like every good toddler).

She won't tolerate the Moby for more than 10 minutes and screams if you try to contain her in any way. Of course, I'm fine to let her scream at this point just to get food shopping done. She's not crying for mommy or in pain or fear--just "I want out".

NOTHING OCCUPIES HER!!!! Even her beloved "dwawing" (drawing) dies in 10 minutes. Of course, she's a toddler, so I'm not sure I expect her to have any sustained interest.

And although we're a almost-no-TV household, I've even tried that just to get some boxes unpacked. No dice. Not interested. I should be jumping for joy.

How the heck do I get ANYthing done...? My 6yo is starting to feel REALLY neglected because outside of doing outdoor stuff, there's not much for us to do all together. She won't sit for stories and we can't really paint. Dance party lasts for 15 minutes and requires mommy.

If NOTHING else, I HAVE to unpack. You can barely walk through some of the rooms.

[LadyCatherine185]

can you hire someone to come help you unpack? Or watch your DD for you for a couple afternoons so you can get some things done?

To me it sounds like she is seriously sleep deprived/overtired. My DS is a sleep fighter too, and would sleep less and less if I let him. He goes to bed between 9-9:30 and is up at 6 too, but he takes a nap usually from 12:30-2 or so. Still not getting much more sleep than your DD, but that nap is crucial. Can you put her to bed earlier at night?

Have you read SLeepless in America? I think that book would help you out a lot. It has a lot of great ideas for structuring your day to help maximize sleep, as well as keeping toddlers busy/happy.

[crunchy_mommy]

I can't believe I'm saying this (I usually balk at the idea) but it does sound like she's very sleep-deprived. She's only sleeping 8-9 hours? Even my DS who doesn't sleep well gets about 12 hours a day... I'd say either get her to bed earlier or help her sleep later (this might help her take a longer nap too)... I'm not the best for ideas on that, usually with DS I just nurse him for an hour or 2 until he goes back to sleep if he gets up too early. Hopefully someone else will have more ideas.

Other than that, I'd suggest inviting a friend/relative over to play with your DD or take her to the playground or something so you can unpack.

And at the grocery store, have you tried giving her a snack while she's in the cart/moby?

Also I think it's normal for toddlers to only do something for 5-10 minutes... I'd love if DS would stay on the same activity for even 2 minutes in fact. We spend lots of time out of the house and that's the only way I can maintain ANY sanity.

As to your 6yo, could you make the toddler's naptime DD1's special time with you? Maybe some days she can help you (i.e. help you unpack/do chores, but have you to herself) & other days she can choose something special to do (read, craft, cooking together, etc.) that you can't normally do with a toddler underfoot.

[heatherdeg]

Naptime, if it happens, IS definitely special time for ds. It's just rare, and then also rare that it happens where/when we can do something.

We've REALLY tried putting her to bed. As much as I'm not for CIO, I'm not against sleep training; but nothing works and it all winds up being some variant of screaming at bedtime--which I don't think is a great thing. If I can get her down to sleep at 7:30-8pm, then she's up at 4am. So it's not even about getting her down earlier because she will only sleep so much. And she still wakes at night... just once... to eat and then goes right back to sleep.

She is adopted and bottlefed, but we do lay down with her as if I were nursing her to sleep. During the day, we CAN "induce" napping if we wait till she's good and tired but she still only sleeps 30mins with RARE exception (usually when she's sick or teething). House is quiet--so that's not the issue. Tried white noise. The kid just doesn't sleep.

I've read Sleepless in America. It's what made me simply give in and talk to my husband about the fact that *I* personally just need more sleep than most people--period, end of story. I didn't connect dd's behavior with lack of sleep because when she's awake, she just strikes me as an average 21mo--into everything, learning boundaries and not loving them, pulling things out and exploring them, etc. I didn't connect her not wanting to be stuck in a stroller or backpack with lack of sleep... just an active toddler. And her reaction to it I really blew off to a year of not really getting the appropriate attention and direction as our lives have been absolute chaos preparing for relocation and dealing with 2 deaths, the loss of a pregnancy and a court case out of state. I really figured that it had more to do with those things.

*sigh*

I think it's time for fish oil. We got the go-ahead from her Dr. earlier this year and I just haven't gotten to it; but it was a miracle cure for my son's sleep issues (which were INFINITELY worse).

[crunchy_mommy]

it sounds like you guys have been dealing with a lot. I'm so sorry for all you are going through.

Have you tried putting her to bed REALLY early, say 6pm? My DS only sleeps well & long if I put him to bed around 11pm. Then he will wake up around 10am and all is good. If I try to put him to bed at 8, he's up all night long. If I try to get him down around midnight, he wakes too early. It took us quite a while to find *his* perfect time, and he's on the really late end -- maybe your DD is on the really early end, and even 7pm is too late for her?

I don't know anything about fish oil (vegan) but if it worked for your DS then sounds like it's worth a shot...

She does sound very much like a 'typical' toddler but IME those typical behaviors are just less extreme & easier to deal with when DS is well-rested.

Also can your DH take her out for a bit so you can get some stuff done?

The other thing that works for us along with nursing (or bottle-nursing, in your case) is music... and do you have a white noise machine, or an a/c unit in the bedroom, anything that could provide constant noise all night long?

[funnygrace]

That's my experience with a 23 month old and I don't have an older child. Hugs to you! I think you need help--child entertaining, unpacking, cleaning--some kind of regular help over a few weeks. My advice would be to let the sleep issues go for a bit and focus on getting the help you need to unpack and settle in.

[heatherdeg]

We did try white noise. Music was a DISASTER but in a good way: she just LOVES music.

I agree... I'm thinking that I really just need backup. I was so trying to avoid that and thought maybe there was something I wasn't doing. I'm overwhelmed and thought I just was missing something.

Thanks all. If nothing else, you've made me feel like I'm not missing anything; and reminded me to tend to her sleep when we settle in. I almost wonder if part of her lack of sleep is fed by the tension we've been under for so long now, too. Hopefully, that will be gone soon as well.

Thanks again.

[redvlagrl]

Wow. That sounds really, really tough.

I agree with the PPs - that your DD is probably sleep deprived. My DD (22 mths) sleeps around 14 hours a day. She goes to bed at 7pm. Any later is not fun for anyone. Of course different kids require different amounts of sleep, but 8-9 hours seems like very little to me.

I'm presuming you've tried all the usual stuff like routines etc. Could you explain to her that she needs to stay in her room until you come and get her? So even if she's not sleeping she is having quiet, alone time in her room? DD is in a Montessori style floor bed so she can get in and out. She's recently discovered how to open her bedroom door, so I do have to remind her to stay in her room during nap time.

Also, the moby seems like it might not be the best option for this age/weight. Perhaps she doesn't feel well supported? You might try a mei tai or SSC. Otherwise, could she help you unpack? I've noticed that from about 19 mths onwards DD and her friends have really enjoyed putting stuff in the 'right' place. Unpakcing the dishwasher is a big favorite.

Something that has kept my DD occupied for ages (well about an hour) was 2 large bowls, about 30 dried chick peas and a measuring cup. A PITA to clean up but worth it. Ditto water, though it's messier.

[heatherdeg]

Yeah... routines did nothing for us. Since I last posted, I've gone back to trying to put her down for a nap with limited success. If I wait until late enough, she WILL go down, but she still sleeps for a max of 45 mins. And she's actually sleeping from about 8:30pm to 7am--so that plus the nap is about 11 hours total. I'm not really seeing any change in her behavior despite napping every day without fail. And the screaming has kicked up about FOUR notches. Thankfully, telling her to "use her words" helps. She doesn't actually HAVE understandable words for everything, but SHE thinks she does! LOL! So she mutters what she wants to say in her "language" and the pointing or looking clues us in to what she MIGHT want... regardless, the screaming gets cut down.

As for her room--it's very tiny and we've made the mistake of having a dresser for her that we need to use for her clothes, so leaving her in her room means having her empty her clothes on the floor. Plus whatever's stored in the trundle of her bed. I don't really have anywhere to put this stuff... we've moved into a MUCH smaller house and got rid of a LOT. I guess I could see if we could install child-safety something on the drawers. The traditional drawer thingies result in pinched fingers because she puts her fingers in and shuts the drawer.

As for helping me... I actually, literally lol'd. I see what you're saying, but a lot of this stuff is stuff she just can't put away. And she's a fiesty thing, so it becomes a game to run with stuff.

The 11yo across the street is going to serve as a temporary mother's helper--which helps with the toddler AND the 6yo for unpacking if nothing else. We're also attempting the use of an Ergo for trips.

[redvlagrl]

Sounds like things *are* improving. 45 mins is better than none! Since last posting to you, my DD has not napped for the last 2 days, LOL. It is catching! But she does stay in her room and play/read. Just a note though, if your DD is going to be free in her room for a while, then you might want to reconsider the dresser. Attaching it to the wall would help because kids can climb the drawers like stairs and then it can fall on them. It's quite common injury apparently.

Also, there might be a delay in noticing a behavoir difference. From what I have read, sleep deficit cannot be fixed by just a few good sleeps. You're literally in sleep deficit - you have to make up those lost hours. So if she has not been sleeping well for a few months it may take the same amount of time to see a real improvement. Or that could be rubbish. Who knows.

Glad things are going better. I wish I had a mother's helper!

[Laur318]

i really hope things improve for you. my 16 mo old DS is tough like your babe. i still havent offically unpacked since end of february!