refusing internals while pregnant. dr is really mad

[vulnerable]

I really could use some advice. I am 17 weeks pregnant and everytime I have gone to the Dr I was able to push the internal till next visit. Well today is my appt and I know I will have to deal with an angry Dr. Number one I have suffered thru years of sexual abuse and it really takes a lot for me to be comfortable. Even when I was in a relationship for 11 years I still had issues with my boyfriend. Number two I really do not see the need to "check if everything looks ok". If it wasnt ok I think I would know (spotting or whatever else could be an issue). He takes it really personal when I refuse, saying HE is the Dr and HE should be allowed to do what he wants.

Is there anything I can say to him so he will back off?? Should I find a new Dr or just do the stupid internal? I really sends me into panic attacks just going thru with it and thinking about it..yes I know I am a baby. A midwife is out of the question, I am a type 1 diabetic and have to have a c-section for medical reasons.

Any advice please? I know a lot of women refuse internals during pregnancy but don't know what they say to avoid them

[Arduinna]

Do you feel comfortable being honest with him regarding your past abuse? If not, find a new Dr. You need someone you trust.

[cristeen]

His attitude is unacceptable. He may be the doctor, but it's your body. Find a new doc ASAP.

[vulnerable]

Yes I feel comfortable with him and he is aware of my past. He is just very adamant about doing internals. I think he is a very good Dr (he saved my life after I had an infection from my previous c-section). I just wish I could find the words to make him understand that no means no and it is a personal choice on my part not because of him.

[rightkindofme]

My response would be "Yeah well, it's MY vagina and I should be allowed to do whatever I want with it." It's not acceptable for anyone--especially a man--to bully you into access for your vagina under any circumstances. He is working *for you*. I suggest you remind him of that. You will make use of the services he offers as you see fit.

[LadyCatherine185]

I would honestly find a new doctor. "I'm a doctor and should be able to do whatever I want" is the exact attitude that I DON'T want coming from someone who I am entrusting my pregnancy and birth.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by vulnerable

Yes I feel comfortable with him and he is aware of my past. He is just very adamant about doing internals. I think he is a very good Dr (he saved my life after I had an infection from my previous c-section). I just wish I could find the words to make him understand that no means no and it is a personal choice on my part not because of him.

If he knows and is behaving this way with you I'd get a new Dr. It's completely unacceptable.

[jenifera2]

I'm not generally a fan of doctors, which is why I chose a midwife, but if I had to have a doctor, I would absolutely do anything in my power to find one who respected me as an intelligent adult with the final say over anything that might happen to me medically. I agree that I couldn't stand to work with a doctor with the attitude that he should be able to do whatever he wants because he has a medical degree. There are lots of really good doctors out there who do have respect for their patients.

That said, whether you choose to stick with this doctor or find a new one, on any topic where the doctor is pushing for a procedure that you're not comfortable with, ask for an explanation of why it's important to have the information it will provide, and what the risks are if you decline.

He might have such a good explanation (unlikely in this case) that you'll decide it's worth allowing him to do the exams. Or he might not have any good reason at all and you can attempt to explain to him that you understand the risks of declining and are willing to accept them.

[AllyRae]

Do you have a history of preterm birth? If not, then there is *no* reason to even have an internal halfway through your pregnancy. I would tell him straight up that you don't consent to it because there is no medical reason for it. And if he gets "mad", fire him. Any doctor who gets mad that they can't do an internal 4 months into the pregnancy in a woman with no history of preterm birth (and before the age of viability, at that), really needs to be fired anyhow.

ETA: I've had 4 pregnancies, and none of them even had 1 internal until late in the 3rd trimester. My 4th pregnancy didn't even have one at all because she was born at 36 weeks via c-section. My 2 full term pregnancies didn't have a single internal until after I hit full term. I had 4 different obs and none of them did internals before full term unless there is a history of preterm birth.

[Plaid Leopard]

I agree. If you plan to stay with this doctor then he needs to understand that no means no. Have you asked exactly what information he is hoping to find and what he will do with that information?
If he cannot offer a compelling reason for doing an internal then he shouldn't be sticking his hands up there. Checking to see if things are ok without any reason to think that they are not is not a compelling reason.
What really worries me is his atitude that as the doctor he should be able to do anything that he wants to your body. How will that play out in labor when he wants to do EFM or an episiotomy or make you lie flat on your back or give you an epidural or or..? Any doctor that gets angry with a patient for refusing unnecessary, invasive treatment is not a doctor that I would want to have. He may be a good doctor in other respects but it seems his ego is getting in the way.

[FillingMyQuiver]

If he is someone you'd like to keep as your dr, then I say be honest with him. "I know you feel internal exams are important, but due to my past, I have panic attacks at the thought of them. I like having you as my doctor and think you're great at your job and I don't want there to be any reason for me to lose my trust in you, which is exactly what's going to happen if you keep insisting on internal exams. I've done some research and I know they're not needed throughout pregnancy. Please know I'm going to continue refusing them, so you should stop asking."

Personally, I agree w/ PPs that if his attitude is "I'm the dr and should be able to do what I want", I would NOT be comfortable and would find a new one.

[FillingMyQuiver]

Originally Posted by Plaid Leopard

I agree. If you plan to stay with this doctor then he needs to understand that no means no. Have you asked exactly what information he is hoping to find and what he will do with that information?
If he cannot offer a compelling reason for doing an internal then he shouldn't be sticking his hands up there. Checking to see if things are ok without any reason to think that they are not is not a compelling reason.
What really worries me is his atitude that as the doctor he should be able to do anything that he wants to your body. How will that play out in labor when he wants to do EFM or an episiotomy or make you lie flat on your back or give you an epidural or or..? Any doctor that gets angry with a patient for refusing unnecessary, invasive treatment is not a doctor that I would want to have. He may be a good doctor in other respects but it seems his ego is getting in the way.

The OP already stated she will be having a repeat c-section.

[Ola_]

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185

I would honestly find a new doctor. "I'm a doctor and should be able to do whatever I want" is the exact attitude that I DON'T want coming from someone who I am entrusting my pregnancy and birth.

Exactly! What a terrible approach, especially if he knows about the issues that make you uncomfortable with it! I definitely don't think you're being a baby, and you shouldn't just do it to placate him.

I'm glad that he's a competent doctor, but I think you can find someone who can do their job AND be a little sensitive to your needs and your right to say "no". His behaviour is unacceptable IMO.

[DivineMrsM]

find a new doctor. the fact that you are only 17 weeks and not even delivering vaginally, i just don't understand WHY he would even think of doing an internal anyway!! if you have a history of preterm labour, maybe. but wow. no, find a new doc.

[vulnerable]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

Do you have a history of preterm birth?

Well I went in labor at 36 weeks with my daughter. Water broke while I was in the process of moving apartments so I think that was the reason.

I am just so paranoid about drs. I cant find a midwife who will take me because of my c-section less than a year ago and because of my diabetes. With my last labor I fired my Dr 40 hours into my labor because he refused to let me walk around, leave the hosp (even called security), he had me sedated because i was refusing internal checks every hour and even use some kind of instrument to turn the baby (i cant recall exactly). Said I was a hazard to my babies health (which resulted in a cps/dyfs call who are still in my life) and all I wanted to do was walk because I was not progressing. After 40 hours of that, my new Dr (who I am using now) came in and did an emergency c-section because I developed a bad fever and babies heart rate was dropping.

12 days later (after 3 trips to ER all saying I had a kidney infection) my new Dr admitted me to ICU because the infection I had spread to internal organs. This is why I stay with him, I have no trust in Drs and I am really starting to not be able to trust him either, I feel every visit with be a fight.

His only reason is he wants to see whats going on. I understand that to a point, but with my history and fear of infection I really cant justify it.

[FarrenSquare]

I agree that he should know his attitude is only going to send you further into anxiety. You have every right to decide what happens with your vagina, and he has to respect that.

Originally Posted by FillingMyQuiver

"I know you feel internal exams are important, but due to my past, I have panic attacks at the thought of them. I like having you as my doctor and think you're great at your job and I don't want there to be any reason for me to lose my trust in you, which is exactly what's going to happen if you keep insisting on internal exams. I've done some research and I know they're not needed throughout pregnancy. Please know I'm going to continue refusing them, so you should stop asking."

This is perfect. Are you sure that when the time comes he will respect the rest of your birth plan?

[vulnerable]

Wow thank you guys so much for all the positive replies! It makes me feel so much better and I will take what you said and use it at my appointment. Wish I could bring you with me lol!!

I really appreciate it, I was about to cancel yet another appointment but instead I will go and say what I have to say. Thanks so much again!

Honestly what really is the purpose of internals anyway? I had a pap less than a year ago as is. Oh well thanks again!

[AllyRae]

I really question his judgement is he wants to "see what's going on" in a person that is 17 weeks. What's goign on is that you're gestating a baby. If you're having no current signs of any issues, he needs to let your vagina/cervix be. You've pushed it off this long...all he needs to know is that whatever he thought was going on when he first asked must not have been a problem because the pregnancy is still going well. If he has a big concern, can you suggest that he do an ultrasound? You can check cervix lenth somewhat with an ultrasound.

[Plaid Leopard]

Originally Posted by FillingMyQuiver

The OP already stated she will be having a repeat c-section.

oops, sorry. I guess I should not post when I have two kids playing frog on me!

In any case, the principle is the same. SHe should be able to make an informed choice and refuse unnecessary procedure and treatments without her dr pressuring her and getting angry.

[AnnieA]

Originally Posted by vulnerable

Wow thank you guys so much for all the positive replies! It makes me feel so much better and I will take what you said and use it at my appointment. Wish I could bring you with me lol!!

I really appreciate it, I was about to cancel yet another appointment but instead I will go and say what I have to say. Thanks so much again!

Honestly what really is the purpose of internals anyway? I had a pap less than a year ago as is. Oh well thanks again!

I was against all internals as well but so far, I've had two. Here's why...

1st exam: I came in because I was spotting. Dr. wanted to check and make sure my cervix was closed. While he was examining me, he noticed some discharge and did a quick test. Turns out I had a yeast infection and that's what was causing the spotting.

2nd exam: Dr. wanted to do a pap but I just had one in March so I said so. He still needed to do an internal because he needed to get cultures for different bacterial infections to make sure they were not there. I agreed to the cultures. I did explain to him that there will be no more VE until he needs to do the GBS test around 36 weeks. We are in disagreement about weekly checks after that for baby placement, etc. but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.