Will my child ever just go to sleep without a huge struggle?

[flatstanley72]

My 4 yo DD has never gone to sleep easily or slept well, but now we are having huge struggles at bedtime. I try to do a consistent routine, but it gets dragged out for up to 2 hours and usually involves at least one meltdown, which wakes DS (15 mos). And it doesn't end with her going to sleep, it ends with DH taking her for a drive to get her to sleep.

It starts with pajamas. She usually has a fit because there are no pajamas that are to her liking. Then she has a bedtime snack, which we have in her room while we read stories in order to minimize the number of transitions and shorten the routine. Then we read books in her bed. After 3 books, we brush her teeth right there in her bed. When I used to rock her to sleep, we would read 1 more book in the rocking chair, then lights out and rock to sleep. She won't fall asleep that way anymore, but throws a fit if I suggest reading the last book in bed instead of the rocking chair. But, getting up to go to the rocking chair wakes her up. Then, we turn the lights out and lie in her bed and she is supposed to go to sleep. As soon as the lights are out, she's wiggling around all over the bed and won't stop talking. If I leave the room, then she either keeps coming out and if I keep putting her back in, then she's in her bed screaming "MOMMY" at the top of her lungs, which wakes DS up. So, eventually, DH takes her for a drive in the car, which puts her to sleep.

I'm so frustrated with this and I just don't know what to do to make it better. I can see things going in the same direction with DS. He used to just nurse right to sleep, now I nurse him, he won't settle down, and he has to be walked in the stroller most nights to get to sleep. Sorry for the long rant. Any ideas would be much appreciated!

[Nazsmum]

What is the day like? I find that if my 4 and 19 month old don't jump, run, play, and whatever you can think of they don't sleep as well.

One more thing to think about is brushing the teeth in bed. Maybe brush teeth, PJ's, read ONE book in rocking chair, BED two more books. Then you trun out the light and sit with her. If she makes noise or wiggles that is OK. I would just let do it just tell her to be quiet. (let play sleeping lions clubs they are very quiet and the mommy loin is going to watch the den) Something like that.

I would not put her in the car.

Sorry to be so strong. That would be me. Hope that helps.

[LynnS6]

It sounds to me like you're starting the bedtime routine a bit late. If she's so sleepy after books that she wakes up moving to the rocking chair, she's overtired. Overtired kids are harder to get to sleep.

I too, would recommend starting with the rocking chair. She won't like the change in routine. You can explain (during the day) that what you're doing right now isn't working and so you're going to change things just a bit. She'll still get the time in the rocking chair, but the last book will be in bed, so that she will be able to fall asleep easily.

I'd also suggest not lying on the bed with her. We lay on the floor while our kids were in bed. I brought a book along and read. This did several things: We were there, so they felt comforted, but didn't get out of bed. I wasn't right next to them in bed so they weren't engaging me. I was otherwise engaged and really boring.

So, I would try:
-Starting the bedtime routine 30 minutes earlier
-Switching the reading around as the pp suggested to start in the rocking chair and move to the bed
-Staying in the room, but not in bed with her

When you're ready for her to try to go to bed without your being in the room (my kids were about 5 when we tried this), I suggest using the kitchen timer. Tell your child that you'll come check on them when the timer beeps (if they're quiet and in bed). We would set it for a very short time (2-3 minutes) and then gradually lengthen the time. So, the timer would go off in 3 minutes. Then 5, then 10, then 15, then 20, etc. Usually by 15 minutes, they'd be asleep.

We did this with both our kids and our bedtime routine is now:
Pjs
Snack
Brush teeth
Reading (first they do their 'required' reading for the school reading logs, then we read each of them a chapter from their current book)
Prayers
Bed

They'll each read in bed for anywhere from 10 minutes (dd) to an hour (ds, unless he's really tired). Then they fall asleep. On their own, 90% of the time. The other 10% we have to go up to solve some little problem (can't find a book, they're too hot/too cold, need a kleenex).

Your dd will get there. She'll probably cry and not be happy with the change in routine. But I'd muddle through.

[MissNo]

Lynn, I might try the lying down next to the child suggestion, we are in a similar spot with our DD.

My only suggestion is to shorten the routine. Our oldest is 4.5 now, and she has never slept well or without assistance. My initial routine was close to an hour, and it could not be sustained. I shortened the routing to bath, brush teeth, then pajamas, one story and one song. Then lights out and (right now) snuggles until she falls asleep.

Good luck, sending sleep vibes your way!

[JamieCatheryn]

DS1 used to struggle hard against bedtime after I stopped nursing and cuddling him til after he was good and asleep about age 2. I think he just gradually grew out of it, first he would tantrum and got up all the time, later he'd only yell about it a little, later just complain a lot, now he's 4.5 and just goes to bed. He goes to bed at 8:30 ish and gets up at 7:30 or so in the morning. My clue he's getting tired if I'm not watching the time is that he'll "pretend" to be tired and build a blanket pallet of some sort to pretend to sleep, or he'll ask to read "but not go to sleep". Our routine is brush teeth and wash hands and face at the sink, change clothes, read books, talk a little, bring him water and his stuffed bunnies, pray, and say goodnight.

[MayasMama88]

I cannot honestly say I know exactly what to tell you, as my DD is only 10 mos old (almost), however I can say that we were having a helluva time getting a good nap/bedtime routine down, and then a good friend of mine recommended that I read "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. It worked!! And she has a book geared specifically for toddlers and pre-school-aged children. It's "TNCSS for Toddlers and Pre-Schoolers" lol. It couldn't hurt to try, and her books have such wonderful insight into how children's sleep cycles are! We've had great success with it. Hugs, mama, you'll find something that works sooner than later!