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Abusive Step-son - Page 2

post #21 of 52
For what it is worth, I have had CPS called on ME (by ex-husband as he was trying to find some way to force the kids out of my life)

They did not take my kids away, because I was not doing anything wrong.

What they DID do, was come and talk to me and to my children, see that all of the allegations were false (that I was not feeding them/abusing them/etc., but they were clearly well fed, not abused, etc.) and then drop the case altogether.

I have had CPS called on my nephews mom. (by a neighbor I think?)

They went to her house, found the children were not properly being cared for or supervised. Spoke with my mom, my siblings, myself about all sort of allegations against his mother/him/his sister.

In the end, the children are now living with my mother, seeing a counselor once a week and their mother is in drug rehab, AA and a few other counseling services to get custody back. She still gets to see them, with supervision, however due to several issues (a restraining order against her husband who she NOW refuses to leave even after he attempted to burn down her home while she and the children were IN it...) its not likely she will ever get them back.

But, what CPS is doing is trying to help those kids, who were in a HORRIBLE situation, to overcome it.

My nephew was acting out (pouring gas on a fire at age 6, unsupervised at that though he shouldnt have been doing it supervised either... getting in trouble at school for beating up other kids... etc.) and is doing a lot better now that he is in a stable home and is getting the help he needs after spending 6 years with a mother who basically let him do whatever he wanted.

That is NOT to say he will be taken out of a home/not allowed to go to yours... but that they will get him the help he needs and look into IF he has been sexually abused himself (likely) and by who and do the appropriate work there.

CPS gets a bad rap... but really they do a lot of good. If you dont want to call them, though, see if you have LSS (lutheran social services) in your state and call THEM. After CPS was done with most of their work with my neice/nephew, LSS has been the one handling the counseling.
post #22 of 52
Her stepson does not have access to the younger children and hasn't since the sexual abuse was discovered.

While it's possible that the stepson is being sexually abused that is not necessarily the case. Mental illness can present in this type of behavior. He needs help to discover whether he is being abused and what his mental health status is. The OP is doing everything she can to make this happen, protect her younger children and save the family relationships.

The father doesn't necessarily not care, he is probably is almost total denial which is not good but is different than he doesn't care. The perpetrator in this situation is his baby too.

OP- Your son is very young and you stopped the abuse and completely removed him from the situation. With therapy and support from his family (and if his brother achieves a stable mental state) there is a good chance that the relationship can be repaired. Play therapy is great for younger kids who have trouble communicating their feelings or understanding these complicated situations. As long as he feels totally supported and protected by his family he can hopefully heal and forgive. I'm sure that someone in the family will at some point say that you should not get him therapy and just to pretend it never happened since he will probably forget. That is a terrible idea and may lead your little one to have serious problems as he gets older.

I hope for healing for all of you.
post #23 of 52
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
Her stepson does not have access to the younger children and hasn't since the sexual abuse was discovered.
If the child is entering the home while the children are there, the child has access to the younger children. As OP herself stated, it's impossible to guard them 24/7 and her husband is an incompetent supervisor, either due to his denial or some other issues that haven't been clarified.

While it's possible that the stepson is being sexually abused that is not necessarily the case. Mental illness can present in this type of behavior. He needs help to discover whether he is being abused and what his mental health status is. The OP is doing everything she can to make this happen, protect her younger children and save the family relationships.
Yes, she's tried to get his bioparents to help him, to no avail. The only thing left to do is explain this situation to a mandated reporter or call CPS herself. And I'm sorry, but the most effective way to protect the other children is to keep her stepson out of the home. If her husband is uncooperative, this will unfortunately require her to call the authorities. Yes, that will make everyone mad at her but so what? Her children are in danger. That's the only thing--the only thing--that really matters.

The father doesn't necessarily not care, he is probably is almost total denial which is not good but is different than he doesn't care. The perpetrator in this situation is his baby too.
I'm sure he's in denial, but it's sort of irrelevant to the situation at hand. The OP has decisive action she could be taking, but isn't. I don't envy her position but from what she's posted, it's clear that her children are in mortal danger because of this other child, and he must be removed from the home permanently, and her victimized (molested) child given the proper therapy and attention needed to recover from this ghastly situation.
post #24 of 52
Unless I'm totally mistaken, the OP has stated that they do not have EOW visitation and she leaves with the younger children when her stepson comes for longer visits and has since the sexual abuse occurred. She may end up having to contact CPS but she is trying all other avenues first and that is her choice. She is protecting her child. She has stated that with school starting she has told the family that if they do not seek help for her ss she will report his abusive behavior to his school. I think she is right to not leave her husband as unreceptive as everyone, including doctors, has been to her situation. If her husband is in such deep denial it's very conceivable her son would be put in a position where he had no protection from this child and this child would have no protection from himself.
post #25 of 52
I work in child welfare, so here is my advice...

...I think a few of the posters here have been unreasonably harsh with you, and I think many of them are simply a result of having a visceral reaction to the information you have given. But here's a few things:

1. You will NOT have your children taken away if you contact CPS. Children are not immediately removed by CPS unless there is "imminent danger of serious harm" (that being death or serious bodily harm). Now, yes, it sounds like your step-son is possibly capable of doing those things, but you've also taken reasonable precautions to ensure your children's safety. And when doing subsequent removals, it's because parents are unwilling to do what is necessary to protect their children or put certain recommended precautions into place that have been made based on the CPS investigation.

2. Depending on what state you live in, CPS may not even take the call. Many people are under the impression that every call that CPS makes results in an investigation, and that's not true. The people who answer the phone on the other end are trained professionals who are trained to sort through the sometimes vague details of the calls they receive to determine whether it warrants an investigation. I say this because in my state, NY, instances of sexual abuse/child abuse that occur between two people who are under the age of 18 are NOT accepted (however, sometimes these kinds of calls result in what's called a law enforcement referral). The basic rule of thumb when it's kid on kid, is that the first time a particular incident occurs, the parents get a pass, but if it happens again and the parents made no effort to put precautions into place, then the call actually turns into a neglect call on the parents.

3. I'm guessing the reason that not one of the mandated reporters you spoke to made the call is because they could tell by talking to you that you were taking precautions and that you were willing to do what is necessary to protect your children and taking the events seriously.

4. Lastly, if you decide to make the call, you can do so anonymously, and even if you don't, it's ALWAYS confidential. For all anyone needs to know, the doctor called or the school called or a neighbor or extended family member, etc. I work in foster care and when calls are made on the foster parents and/or biological parents, even if we aren't involved in the particular situation or are the ones that made the call, we CAN NOT tell the parents who made the call.

5. None of what you are saying means that your step-son was abused himself. Yes, it makes it more likely that something happened to him at some point, but not everyone who is violent or sexually inappropriate, even at a young age, has been abused.

Hope some of this helps you, that it clears up the logistics of involving the government, but also that you find some peace and a solution that keeps everyone safe.
post #26 of 52
Forum crashing but just wanted to point out that it's great the OP is trying to protect HER kids. But what about the rest of the younger kids this child has access to? He needs help because if he is doing these things to the OP's kids, there may be a chance he is doing it to other younger kids as well. Someone needs to be the voice to say enough.
post #27 of 52
Originally Posted by Latte Mama View Post
Forum crashing but just wanted to point out that it's great the OP is trying to protect HER kids. But what about the rest of the younger kids this child has access to? He needs help because if he is doing these things to the OP's kids, there may be a chance he is doing it to other younger kids as well. Someone needs to be the voice to say enough.
That was exactly my point... I didn't mean to sound harsh but thinking about *if* it was me in the same situation, nothing would keep me from calling CPS... nothing. And I am probably the last one to call CPS for anything. Frankly, they scare me. We do a lot of things in my household that CPS would not agree with, not to mention dealing with them a TON when I was young and almost being taken out of my own home. I have not called sometimes when I probably should have (an abusive neighbor with a young child, lack of car seats with small children, etc) but in this situation, I do think they would help and by calling you would be protecting yourself and your child. If you call them, you can honestly say you have tried every route possible... and hopefully, they will respond and get this child the help he needs... not only for your children's sake but any children he comes across. I am NOT judging you at all Mama... like I said, I can not EVEN imagine being in this situation and I'm sure it breaks your heart in so many ways but you have to do everything you can possibly do to protect A, your own children, and any children A comes in contact with. I wish you the best of luck... please don't be defensive and think that I don't think you are doing the right thing. You obviously are doing SOOOO much right by keeping your kids away and informing all of the other authorities. This is just one more you need to contact to cover your own ass. Good Luck!
post #28 of 52

What I was hoping to find here was someone else who has lived something like this. For example, was that the end of the brotherhood? Just never see them again? I go somewhere else every-other holiday so he can be with his dad? Does someone want to sponsor my future frequent vacation schedule? Just kidding. Unless you have a kid-friendly place that needs summertime house-sitting, then I'm listening. That type of thing. NOT wow you are just standing by and allowing this to happen.[/QUOTE]

I haven't personally been through anything like this, but I once dated a man who had been in the same situation as your son. His older half brother abused him when they were children. As an adult, he is not friends with his brother. For a while, he seemed like he was on a crusade to educate everyone about who his brother really was and what he had done as a child. I think it made people feel uncomfortable and helpless (what's passed is past, kind of thing), and so it was brushed aside, much as it was when he was younger (that's how it felt to him, anyway). It's difficult to say how your son will grow up, and how his relationship with with step brother will develop though.

As far as the rest of it goes, I think you need to protect your son at all costs. If that, in your life, looks like going on vacation and leaving your home every summer, then that's what you do. I also think that your SS needs some serious help. Perhaps early intervention will help stop him from committing future violence against others. That's why the other PPs are recommending CPS. Because it's the first step in getting him help, especially since your DH is not on board. If he were, you could get him into therapy on your own, provided you could pay for it.

Good luck. Your situation sounds so difficult.
post #29 of 52
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
Honestly, in that situation, I'd be calling a lawyer. I'm usually not one to advocate divorce to a complete stranger over the internet, but I could not stay married to someone whose child was (whether intentionally or not) trying to kill one of mine.

Are the children joint children with your DH, or are they from a previous relationship?

I second the PP who said to tell the ped.

Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
I hesitate to say it, but I think it needs saying... If nothing is done in terms of reporting his behavior to the authorities and, got forbid, there IS another incident - you could find yourself on the receiving end of charges of neglect and endangering your own children.

I do think it's unreasonable for you to have to leave your home for extended periods of time, however. I would tell your husband that, when he wants to see the boy, he will have to do so away from your home - they can go stay in a hotel, he can go to the area where the boy lives, etc. When it's for extended summer visitation? He can rent a seasonal apartment for the duration. But he will NOT be staying in your home. Period. And stick to your guns.

Good luck - I think you're going to need it.

Originally Posted by dakotablue View Post
I want to say I understand your hesitance to stir up trouble, but I have to admit I don't. Your SS could kill your children.

Read that again. KILL your children. This is not a joke, give him some time or he will out grow it.

It doesn't matter that your Dh isn't on the same page. It doesn't matter that your Dh's ex doesn't want him to get therapy. When a child is this dangerous and acting out sexually it is no longer the parents choice. (argue with me if you like but that is the opinion of judges in the US)

call CPS, get your Dh mad, get everyone mad, get this child help if he can be and protect the actual lives of your children.
post #30 of 52
It sounds like you have worked very hard to try and help this little boy, and you know something more needs to happen. I do agree with PP that you need to keep zero contact between your children and your stepson, both for their current safety, and so that they can have time and space to work through what has happened. I know you are currently doing this, and I can see why is so unpleasant to think of doing it long term, as necessary as it is. I do hope your little one is in therapy, you did the right thing contacting that guidance center, and he needs in-person treatment. It sounds so heartbreaking to be in this situation, and you are not standing by while it happens - you are trying what you can.

If you call CPS, it isn't an easy fix, but they are able to mandate therapy for your stepson. You have reached the limit of what you, as a stepparent, can do, and it seems like your dh and his ex are not willing to take those next steps to start seeking help. You have a long paper trail of how you have tried to help your stepson, you can show that you did not fail to protect your son.

I would also suggest therapy with your husband, or having him speak to your son's therapist. He is probably in denial, but needs to see what a big deal this is. I would also make sure he realizes that you are serious that every time your stepson comes to the house, you will take your kids and leave. When you make a budget, include the cost of these trips in it, since you both know they are coming, and they will be costly. Don't plan anything near home for times when he is coming. I would rehearse what you want to say beforehand, and come up with a few sentences that are short, to the point, and neutral for when you have this conversation. (I can freeze up at times like this!)

I hope you do come back to this thread, and stay around MDC. There is a lot of support here, and a lot of truly caring people. This is such a sensitive issue, and what is happening to your sons is so terrifying for a parent to read about, that emotions and responses can be intense.
post #31 of 52
That sounds horrible, what you're going through. I don't think I would trust the older child in the house without us there. I'd worry that he'd poison my toothpaste

I think the brotherhood is over. Your son will be fine with that. What's important is that he's protected and knows why he's protected. You don't want him feeling too brotherly towards his older brother when older brother ends up in a mess as an adult anyway.

Are you in a financial position to get some kind of vacation place? My mother has a trailer near a lake that they go to for weeks at a time and it was not very expensive. Maybe your husband could get something like that and do visitations there?

I don't think it's fair to your children to have to leave when A comes to visit. I didn't notice how old A is, but maybe it's in the thread somewhere. How often does A visit? Why were the phone calls to his mother a secret? Were the police ever informed of the sexual abuse? Who's watching A while he visits (assuming your husband works outside the home)? How often does he visit? Do you have inlaws near? Maybe your husband can take A and go stay with his parents during visits?

Your stepson seems to try to find out how to hurt people to see what happens. There was an 8yo boy here a few years ago that was killed when another kid wanted to see what happened if he injected the 8yo with insulin. As big of a deal as you think it is, it's probably even bigger of a deal. Your stepson seems to be very interested in experimenting with his ideas on your son. Just thinking of anyone doing that to any of my kids sends chills down my spine.
post #32 of 52
""""""What I was hoping to find here was someone else who has lived something like this. For example, was that the end of the brotherhood? Just never see them again? I go somewhere else every-other holiday so he can be with his dad? Does someone want to sponsor my future frequent vacation schedule? Just kidding. Unless you have a kid-friendly place that needs summertime house-sitting, then I'm listening. That type of thing. NOT wow you are just standing by and allowing this to happen."""""""

I did happen to my DS (now 16) by his older - by ONE year - stepbrother. It took two years of fighting, reams of graphic photos and journals/logs, trips to the hospital with strange bites/burns and scratches after mandatory court ordered visits and then a wreched trip to emerg with my DS who's penis had been bitten so badly by the stepbrother during (again) a court ordered visit that it required stitches. Two years before my DS was safe again. Physically safe anyway, he was majorly messed up for the next few years.

Yes it was the end of the brotherhood.
No he hasn't seen him since - almost 10 years.
My DS's father and I were separated at the time but he had weekend visits with both boys, we were trying to reconcile but after this happened I knew it wasn't worth it.
My DS has seen his father 5 or 6 times in almost 10 years. He hasn't wanted to. In fact the whole bunch of them, the father, the mother and her boyfriend were investigated by CPS.

OP- I wouldn't feel the slightest shred of guilt cutting that child out of your lives. Your DH is probably torn though and perhaps 'can't ' make the calls/appts. that he KNOWS he should be making. I'd do it for him. Call CPS, take your kids to your family doc, then call CPS again and again. ANY incident, take your kids to the hospital, tell them how and who, and write everything down.

Good luck to you and your kids, this is such a horrible situation because nobody wants to believe a kid can be the abuser right?
post #33 of 52
Your children are 3 and 18 months? So I assume you have been A's stepmother since he was 5ish? How has custody evolved in the time you and your Dh have been married? I guess what I am trying to get to is how involved you have been in your stepson's life...how much you fill a parenting role in his life. I only ask because every stepchild situation is different-my sister and her spouse share absolute 50/50 custody with BIL's child, my sister's stepson and my sister is very involved in his life, going to all activities and meetings and such. Whereas, my DH IS my dd1's Dad, though technically he's a stepparent. And how involved you are does I think have an effect on the route that you take, as well as the ultimate relationship you could or should want or expect in regards to the two children as they get old. A half sibling relationship can sometimes be as close as a full sibling relationship, or it can be as distant as two cousins living across the country from each other. And, I think that if you discover that your stepson actually has some sort of mental illness, something that's treatable and recoverable, it's not unreasonable to want to try to mend some sort of sibling relationship if both the children are able to recover.

While I understand wanting to do everything you can to avoid CPS, I do agree with others that I think you need to call them. Your children need protection, and potentially more than you can provide (for example, you need government documentation in case there is a change to court ordered visitation for any reason.) You stepson needs protection and help, and obviously more than your DH and his ex have been willing or able to provide. Is your DH's ex dating or married? Given the stepson's behavior, I would want a legal authority to look into what his situation is at his mom's house. Especially if she has been notified of the behavior and is ignoring it. It makes me wonder what she is ignoring at home too. And your stepson needs someone to force his parents to recognize that this stuff is happening and that he needs help. I can't even imagine how difficult this is for your DH, find out that his child has these issues and has done these things. And to then realize that the child's own mother, who has him much more, doesn't seem to think he needs help or see a problem, I imagine it's easy to doubt, because you WANT to, that there's a real problem. I would suggest that you simply refuse to allow your stepson into your house, at all, whether you and the younger kids are there or not, until something is done to help him. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to not want an abusive person near your property, even if that abusive person is family.

As to the three year old and the abuse he has undergone....I don't know to be honest. It's hard, given that he's so young and has limited verbal abilities (I have a nearly two year old with close to no words, so I assume you just mean that he is simply not very expressive, not that he is actually developmentally delayed or has any other disabilities of his own) He probably doesn't understand much of any of it, what happened, or why, or why it was such a big deal. I think some sort of therapy is probably in order, regardless of what ultimately happens with the stepson, but I don't know how that would play out. With your child being only three...I just can't help but wonder if therapy might not make it worse rather than better. I would suggest being EXTREAMLY careful when choosing a therapist...and working with CPS might actually help in that regard. They may or may not be able to point you towards someone who is best for a child so young. Your ped might be another resource to check into.

The whole situation just sucks and I am sorry you are dealing with this.
post #34 of 52
Thread Starter 
OK, I'm back for the moment. Thank you to those of you who actually read my posts and didn't just jump to conclusions. I might as well try one more time:

He Doesn't Come Over Here Anymore When My Kids Are Home.

There's a lot of questions dangling, and I'm going to bed soon, but I'll try to fill some blanks (I honestly didn't think anyone would want all this info, but here goes).

A was 4 when my relationship with his dad became serious. He has a very charming outer personality that he puts on for most people and my biggest problem with him at the time was getting him to only eat white snow. If you were to meet him in public, he might be off the wall, but it's more likely that he would dazzle you. When we're in a store, he might say, "Look at that flower. Isn't it beautiful? But you know what, it's not as pretty as you." He is a sociopath (according to me, the daughter and granddaughter of three psychologists).

When I was pregnant with my 1st, I started to notice many things that made me believe that he had been sexually abused. I'm pretty certain of this. Was it one of his mother's boyfriends, some of whom were physically violent or in and out of jail? Was it his cousin who is in his mid 20s, lives with his mother, has never had a job, and taught A how to play Grand Theft Auto? My husband has a lot of older bachelor friends, and whenever we'd have any of them over, it was always less than 10 minutes before A would waltz by whichever guy it was with no pants on. Why did he take his pants off every time an older man was over? This was true at age 5, 6, 7, 8- It's not like he had a thing about taking his clothes off like some littler kids do, it was very specific. I mean, I could go on and on with examples. Some one messed with this kid, and no one cares. We actually got him set up to see a school counselor, and instead of allowing that to happen his mother removed him from school. In February. And when fall rolled around (after the school cut all counseling from the budget), she just thought he should repeat the grade.

In the beginning we had him every other weekend, which was hell. Then (was it 2 or 3 years ago?) his mother met a man over the internet who lives in Kansas, so off they went. We protested, but the judge said, "This will make the mother happy, and the child will benifit if she is happy." So off they went. That man had three young children of his own full time, and I just can't imagine why it didn't work out. But anyway, that's when we got on the every-other holiday and 8 weeks in the summer program. I liked that at first thought because I felt like we could make real progress with his behavior over eight weeks. I also thought we could have him see a therapist, but you can't do that without the mother's approval. (interesting side note- The reason that is is that parents were coaching children to claim abuse in order to gain full custody. I told everyone I spoke with "The last thing in the whole world that I want is custody." But they wouldn't budge. Even my own father, a practicing psychologist, said he wouldn't see someone in that situation.)

He was supposed to get therapy in KS, but his mom refused to bring him to his appointments (will this happen again?) saying that she didn't want him to think that there's something wrong with him. Ironic that last year she decided unilaterally to put him on ritalin. To which his dad said, "He's angry, he doesn't have attention deficit. He can sit and do one thing for a long time. Especially if that thing is a destructive thing."

She has pulled him from school to school- he's never completed a year at less than 3 schools- but I have to assume that records follow. He's been into all kinds of trouble (multiple suspensions and two expulsions) so I have to believe that lots of people know. I resonate with what Bella99 said as I keep getting the feeling that Arizona being broke and useless just got the calls and didn't react. I was told that it would be up to CPS to decide whether or not to report to law enforcement after an investigation was done. As far as I know, there was no investigation.

As for my son, I really am hesitating to discuss him at all here as I'm still reeling in defensiveness from some of the earlier posts. I really am liking the idea of cutting the ties forever between those two. I would have no problem with that whatsoever. I just think that they Would, and their dad would. I just don't know, but I don't suppose I have to make a statement about it now. My husband wanted us to all go down there this week and take A out for dinner; it was really important to him that we do that for A. I thought about it for a couple of days, then said no.

Sending out a thank you for the support in sending A off with his dad instead of having him here. He stole some money from me while I was gone, and took screws to my car and completely carved it up over the summer. Who knows what else. None of it surprised me because I'm so used to him by now. I was more surprised at the reactions of others when I told them; I too start to forget that this stuff is a big deal. The thing that did get to me tho was how hurt H was to find some of his toys destroyed. We went thru the house before we left and packed everything we could think of away in a travel trailer. There were several toys that he asked me to leave out for A to play with. I told him no, that A would just smash them. He said so sweetly with smile, "No, not these toys. A will be happy that I left them for him to play with. He won't destroy them." But of course he did. And of everything that A has done to him, that upset H the most. If you were to meet H at the park and talk to him for more than two sentences, he'd tell you, "A smashed my motorcycle. He broke my car into little pieces. He broke my helicopter, he broke my guys..." and he'll give you the whole list.

Time to go, but one bit of pseudo-humor. When H heard about the oil spill, he thought about it with deep concern for a few moments, then said, "I know! We'll tell A that some bad guys are hurting the animals. Let's call A, and then we'll go find the bad guys."

Actually one more thing. I have not personally talked to A about this at all. We call him on Wednesdays, and I've spoken to him about the usual stuff a few times. I really want to tell him how his actions have affected me and the family, but I hold back since he's only 10. If I were being truly authentic, I would tell him. He asked me, "Do I get to go to your mom's with you next year?" I just told him no.
post #35 of 52
I'm so glad you did decide to come back and update us. Good for you on standing your ground with no-contact! Even if H voices hurt at this point, as he gets older he will understand that every step you took was to protect him. I understand your reluctance to share about your son, and he does deserve his privacy, especially for something like this. I do wonder if some therapy for you may be in order, as well as for him. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because this is an impossibly difficult situation and having a neutral, outside person to help you process and keep perspective may be helpful. You are protecting your children, and it sounds like you are one of the only adults who has been trying to protect A. I do think a CPS call is in order - but I can understand being uncomfortable with that, and taking your own measures to preserve your children's safety.
post #36 of 52
I am really worried about your husband's reluctance to do something here. I mean, I am assuming he's upset about all this and feels protective of the younger children, not just his older son but it doesn't sound that way (I know you're not putting every little thing out there, so I'm not saying your husband just doesn't care, but it's odd to me that the kid abuses a sibling, carves up a car, smashes toys, and tries to get younger kids to do things that could kill them and DAD doesn't suggest, you know why don't I just go there to be with him and keep the kids apart). Do you feel your husband gets what a huge deal this is? I'm with you, a ten year old doing all this is not normal and not ok and it's a VERY BIG DEAL and needs to be treated as such. Other children don't need to be sacrificed so that he doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with him. Something is very much wrong with him and if this is what you're dealing with at ten, what is sixteen going to be like? I'm sure that's something you've thought about.

I am very very sorry for whatever happened to this little boy to make him so unhappy and destructive and it sounds like it may have robbed him of a normal life, but not so sorry that I would throw other children in with him. I know you're asking about the possibilities of a sibling relationship and I want to say - your instincts are right. There doesn't need to be one. It worries me that your husband doesn't see that for himself. If someday when your children are adults they decide to try to establish some kind of relationship with their brother, that's up to them. Until then, I would do everything possible to keep them apart.

"Call " is almost never my first response, but you and your husband CAN'T make decisions for this child and his mother apparently won't. I don't know that anything will come of it, but it starts a paper trail if nothing else. I understand - or at least I can imagine - how hard it would be to go against your husband in this, to have to have these conversations and hide them from your kids. It's a big deal. People are going to be angry. It's going to be uncomfortable and tense to say the least, but he needs help and the adult who can get it for him, his mother, seems to just be blocking the way.
post #37 of 52
Originally Posted by Veslemor View Post
As for my son, I really am hesitating to discuss him at all here as I'm still reeling in defensiveness from some of the earlier posts. I really am liking the idea of cutting the ties forever between those two. I would have no problem with that whatsoever. I just think that they Would, and their dad would. I just don't know, but I don't suppose I have to make a statement about it now.
I'm not sure how to handle the rest, but I wanted to speak to this issue. I think you have to make the best decision for your son right now and let him deal with the relationship when the 2 are older. Your ss may get treatment and live a productive life. He's only 10, so I think that's possible. I know plenty of people with severe mental illnesses who've been able to turn their lives around. Then, when your son is older, he can decide what, if any, type of contact he wants. You have so much going on that I'd suggest dropping this from your list of concerns.

I am from a family of well-protected child predators. I do not have contact with them and do not allow my children contact. Other cousins who were abused do have contact in various ways because that feels better to them than having no family. Your son's personality & your ss's progress will determine that later.
post #38 of 52
You asked a question - if anyone has been thru it and what was the outcome?

We have, but it was my ds doing the abuse against my s-children and younger (half) siblings.

It was a long road (still is) and the outcome has been him being removed from our home. It was our choice (well, not really when you have no other choice).
We fought thru the system - therapists (family and single), psychologists, psychiatrists, meds, no meds, diet change, support groups, etc. Cfs was the only ones who gave us access to *real* support. They suggested treatment centres that no one else did. Sadly, by the time we got to that point he was "too old" for it to do any good. Had we made the call years before........who knows? Maybe he'd still be home? Maybe I'd have all my kids under my roof? I try not to beat myself up over it. Whats done is done. He's currently in a group home/treatment centre. Its seems to be a good fit for now.

We continue to work on our relationships with him. He's still "getting into trouble" but I dont believe he's being violent to others anymore. I feel better about that. B/c as much as my kids were my first priority, I couldnt help but feel that it would be *my* fault had he killed someone. (and yes, he was heading in that direction)

Sorry, this is all choppy and all over the place, I'm dealing with a crappy headache at the moment. I just wanted to say that someone has been thru it, and it just sucks all the way around. But, so far, my kids and (society) seem to be safe.

I wish you luck, peach and healing on this journey.
post #39 of 52
I just wanted to say that it was very brave of you, Shenjall, to post that. May your familly have peace & love.
post #40 of 52
I didn't actually mean to imply that CPS just unilaterally gets calls and doesn't do anything them about them (although yes, sometimes that happens). In order for a CPS call to trigger an investigation, the information provided must meet the criteria. Sometimes that's just adding an additional piece of information. Sometimes the operators will ask questions to get the information, but they should always explain why a call wasn't taken (sometimes it just doesn't meet the threshold). In NY they HAVE to tell you if a call is being taken or not, and if not, they have to tell you why. They always offer for you to speak to a supervisor too.

Anyway, from your most recent post, I will say that due to the mother's reluctance to get him counseling, and her actions and unstable parenting, I would say that yes, it is likely that he was abused, and that she knows about it.

If you're husband is willing, I would talk to him about modifying their court order to mandate counseling for your step-son, which would require you to document for the court, the things his son has done and also the mother's refusal to provide him with counseling outside of a court order. Stress to your husband how serious this is, and that it may affect the stability of your marriage.
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