Trouble getting closure

[anon_abroad]

I recently - 2 months ago - (not legally) separated from my stbx by moving into a nearby rental apartment. Making this move took me 3 years of summoning up the courage, and over these 3 years I repeatedly told him this was my intention. My stbx made an initial attempt (3 years ago) to work things out, but that lasted about 2 weeks. He has always refused therapy of any form. There is no communication from his part, and therefore all communication from my part is very angry and frustrated, so every sentence exchanged between us is awful, I am usually full of anger and hurt, and I'm lucky to get a response out of him it's never more than a monosyllable!
When I moved out two months ago he was IRATE, he was beside himself with anger towards me, and apparently totally taken by surprise - even though I have talked about little else for the past 3 years. In these 2 months we see eachother everyday, even twice a day, to deal with the kids. I often try to squeeze in a discussion about 'where it went wrong, bla bla...', but he refuses to discuss it. BUT in a couple of e-mail exchanges he has said that getting back together with me 11 years ago (after a break up of a couple of years before having kids or anything like that) was his big mistake, and basically it was downhill from there for him - i.e. from day 1
But his lack of discussing with me WHY he never said this ONCE during our marriage, why he NEVER initiated a separation even though he was sooo not into it, and all the while I felt like total crap because I was always trying to resolve the situation.
It was all really one-sided, it was just me in there on my own. So I don't get A) why didn't he break-up with me, and B) why is he so upset now that we've split?
He won't discuss ANYTHING with me, but I really need closure. I feel like I need an explanation from him to get closure, and I'm not going to get one. Friends of mine say I need to just 'give it closure' by myself, without begging him for an explanation. But how can I give it closure by myself, like what thought process do I have to go through to just GET OVER IT! I am constantly trying to just understand why he lead me on so many years, and then got so upset when he got the separation he had waited for so long. WHY??!!! How can I get over this without any input from him?
If you've been there it would great to hear what kind of rationalisation or whatever it took you to just get over something that is left hanging without an explanation.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by anon_abroad

But his lack of discussing with me WHY
He won't discuss ANYTHING with me, for so long.
i can bet you a $1000 he himself is so confused he does not know the answer. so if you are waiting for an answer forget it. i am sure he is now trying to figure out the why himself.

WHY??!!! How can I get over this without any input from him?
let ME ask you why YOU need to know so much from him? why does it matter so much? what kind of info are you looking for? what is it going to help you achieve?

If you've been there it would great to hear what kind of rationalisation or whatever it took you to just get over something that is left hanging without an explanation.

first of all you just separated. its all new. its been just two months. on top of that you live so close, you see him day and night.

how are you expected to heal under these circumstances?

healing takes a LOT of time. a year or two. and when it happens, its like the snap of the finger.

healing happens if you WANT it. its v. v. v. easy to live in the victim phase. oh poor me, my husband left me, how am i going to manage...?

you go thru anger, disbelief, greiving, etc - a variety of emotions before you 'recover'.

i was in your shoes. 3 years we tried and then i was done. i asked him to move out.

i had no real explanation from ex. but it didnt matter. the loving man had disappeared and was replaced by this abusive bad mouthing man i no longer knew. i tried to find out why. i spent the first whole year wanting him back and figuring out what i could do to get him back.

but i also started doing stuff on my own. and soon i would realise woah i hadnt thought about him at all. soon he or his reason didnt matter.

i came to enjoy myself and like who i was. and soon i would see it as his loss, not mine.

even though i had some great years, i am supremely happy now. i have a great life inside. its like when we were together we had intially a great, great life. now i have a great, great single life. and i am glad with how things are.

a lot of work needs to be done by you. concern yourself with YOU. my ex also told me he made a mistake from the beginning. i didnt believe him. i knew him v. v. v. well. and if he didnt like me i would know. when he started pulling back i noticed.

for him he just wanted to go back to single life. he has had a galore of gfs - started when we were together, but he has not committed.

how you are going to do it, its all upon you. but i dont know how i could do it living soooo close to ex and seeing him so often. it would be too raw and i would be unable to mentally self disicpline my thoughts and actions.

all of us mamas here speak the same language. yet all our circumstances and how we did it is different.

it all began when we asked ourselves what do i like, not me the mom or me the dd or me the 'whatever' hat i wear, but ME.

[Ceinwen]

Not to thread jack, but if we're talking phases of healing...

It's been 1.5 years since my ex and I separated, just over a year since he moved out.

Right now my heart is hurting for my ex (thank god for therapy?) He's put on close to 75 lbs since we divorced, he's stressed and unhappy, doesn't have a support network of friends/family, works too much, doesn't take care of himself.

It's like a lead weight. I want to fix things for him. I'd almost rather be back in the angry phase where I could have spit at him.

I'm not in love with him, but he's the father of my children, and I will always have a bit of love in my heart for him for that reason.

Anyway, the heart is a funny thing. I went through (what I thought) were all the phases of grieving, and now I'm stuck on this hump of sorrow. I can't even think about my ex w/o feeling bad right now.

It'd be nice to get over this...

[anon_abroad]

Thank you meemee for your words, you're right, it will take me much much more time to heal, and it would also be much better if there were more distance, which at the moment doesn't seem possible, but I may try and make it happen in the future. Ceinwen, don't worry about thread jacking, hearing anyone's experience is helpful to me.
I haven't ever felt that I miss stbx, I'm not hanging onto feelings of love at all, but I am definitely hanging onto something, and I'm not letting it go, and I think it's the feelings of rejection. That is what is hurting me so, that I am unable to accept. Even though I was the one who made the split happen, it was really because I felt so unloved and couldn't stand one more day of in-your-face rejection. But even now after the split his recent admission that he never loved me all these years was a big huge slap in the face! I am sooo not getting over it!
p.s. Ceinwen - your signature says you're happily partnered - are you with a new partner?

[MissLotus]

In these 2 months we see eachother everyday, even twice a day, to deal with the kids. ...I'm guessing that is one large factor in why you're finding it hard to move on. I don't know your custody arrangement but I'm sure something could be worked out to not need these daily meetings.


I often try to squeeze in a discussion about 'where it went wrong, bla bla...' I don't know the reasons for your divorce but if he's unreasonable and/or emotionally cold, chalk up his lack of response to, "Well, that's why we're getting divorced!" Not to over-simplify things, but if he was unresponsive in the relationship, he's not suddenly going to be a great communicator once it's over. Looking for emotional closure or satisfaction of any sort just can't be expected. Does it stink? Yes. Is it hurtful? Yes. But that presumably is why it's ending. Nobody needs that kind of frustration. You'll just end up banging your head against the wall. I don't think you'll get what you need from him. I think once you've truly moved on and he's not such an intergral part of your daily life, you'll find it within yourself.

[Oh the Irony]

When you separate from someone, you no longer deserve their emotional life. It becomes about separating those ties. Look at this from his perspective--I know you warned him--but you left him. That's a wound he is dealing (or not dealing as the case may be) will. When you try and talk with him it opens and perhaps deepens the wound. Your wound too...the information you found out when he did talk made you feel worse, not better.

I would stop all personal conversation. Make it about kids and finances. Create a boundary and let him have his own boundaries. It's not about intimacy anymore. If he couldn't do it while you were together, he can't do it now.

You get closure by giving up expectations. I realized with my ex that if I had any expectations then I was bound to be disappointed.

And yes, rejection--and the resentment-- is huge. You work through it. I found the books Journey from Abandonment to Healing and Forgiving the Unforgivable quite helpful. To Bad too Leave, To Good too Stay was also helpful in identifying exactly where things broke down and why I was better off without him.

I got over it by working on creating the life I want. And balancing the scales. Time. Feeling everything instead of repressing it. Rediscovering my joy. Writing. Hiking. Hula-hooping. Time and boundaries are your friends!

We know have a great co-parenting situation which is friendly.

It's still early days for you. So take it easy and start letting go. I don't mean this to be harsh, but you have no right to expect someone you broke up with (for what sounds like excellent reasons!) to provide you with explanations and closure. I doubt he has the self-awareness to even do it.

[anon_abroad]

Oh the Irony, you are so right! About everything you said.

[ItsAllGood]

hugs

[anon_abroad]

I have Debbie Ford's 'Spiritual Divorce', I think I'll work through that before buying something else.
I have thought of 2 wonderful things that stbx brought into my life and that I'll always be thankful for, so rather than dwell on this feeling of rejection which I am finding so hard to digest, I am trying to focus on the 2 or so good things that came out of our years together and see the greater scheme of things.

[Oh the Irony]

I liked that one too. A little hard to handle when I was in a particularly ragey stage and just wanted to rage and vent for awhile but I liked it and got quite a bit from it.