Gender disappointment?

[kblackstone444]

Has anyone had gender disappointment, finding out their "son" is actually a daughter, or their "daughter" is actually a son?

I'm 16 weeks pregnant. I want a daughter. I've wanted a daughter since I was a little girl myself. I've always felt like I was supposed to have a daughter, as well. It "feels" like a girl I'm carrying. I'm trying not to, but I've pretty much "convinced" myself, that this is a baby girl. This is also my "last shot", surprise baby, not having another. I have a son, who I love and wouldn't exchange for the world, but I also always wanted a daughter. My son wants this baby to be a girl, as does most my family (they know how much I've wanted a daughter, I'm the only one who hasn't had a girl, etc.) I've had my "girl name" picked out for years. I also recently lost my stepdaughter due to divorce, so I'm sure that somewhat leaves me extra biased on missing having a little girl in the house. (And on a side note, the baby's father is not a nice person and considers the baby his "property", his "heir to the throne", especially if it's a boy.) I'm having a sonogram in less than three weeks and I'm absolutely terrified that they will tell me it's a boy. Don't get me wrong- I would love this baby no less if it's a boy than I will if it's a girl, but I'm afraid I won't be able to help having the "wrong" reaction, at least for a while. Example- "And here's the penis...", "OH NO!!!!!..." That's part of the reason I'm so insistant that I have to find out before delivery if it's a boy or girl- my Mother cried inconsolably when my first brother was born. I'm not a public crier, but I don't even want to FEEL that way about my newborn baby. How do I get myself over this? And then guilt for feeling this way. If my baby turns out to be a boy, how do I get past the disappointment? Anyone been in this situation?

[HeatherB]

There's an entire forum (not sure where, but I found it once) about gender disappointment. It's totally normal to have disappointment when something isn't what you had hoped or expected. Just think, if you are sure your DH is getting you a new car for Christmas, and that little jangly box turns out to be a beautiful necklace (and not a set of car keys), you're going to be disappointed. Sure, you'll get over it, but all those hopes and dreams of driving to the in-law's Christmas dinner in a brand new car are shattered. You may not talk to anyone about it because it seems sort of frivolous. After all, your DH obviously loves you, you had a lovely day, and you got a gift that's really very nice. But the feeling is real, and you have to deal with it.

Now, that's something of a silly example, but I hope it makes the point. Gender wishes/hopes/dreams are very real. The reality is that while you might get a new car at a later date, you may NOT have the chance to have another child, and that makes it all the more a real, intense, and sometimes hard to cope with feeling.

Some people find out gender at their u/s to try to deal with these feelings before the baby comes. Others (like me) prefer to have a real, live, adorable, healthy baby to connect with while dealing with potential feelings.

Last time, I was absolutely convinced I was having a girl. It was mostly a cerebral thing, and at times it felt "unreal" - almost like a dream or pretending. I didn't realize it then, but I was just pretending... it was not a girl, it was a boy, and he's a sweet delight for all of us. It was also very tough at some points because I was fully expecting to birth a girl. I really felt like I was missing a baby. The one I was holding was wonderful, but where was the other one?!

I think one thing that's hard for some to understand about "gender disappointment" is it has NOTHING to do with the baby that IS; it's all about the baby that ISN'T. It's longing for something you don't have and may never get. It's almost like losing a child, because you've thought and hoped and dreamed so much for that child, and then that child doesn't come.

I don't really have any great advice on how to cope with it, other than to acknowledge that it's real and does NOT mean you love your existing child any less. Myself, I'm working very hard in this pregnancy to be prepared for either case - either the girl we're still all hoping and dreaming for, or another boy to fill out a four-pack of adorable, energetic, sweet, and loving little guys.

FWIW, I have had strong feelings (non-cerebral but intuitive) that this is a girl. At this point, I almost hate to hope that it is, though it's certainly a longing in my heart to have a daughter. I won't find out for about 15 more weeks, though!

I do hope your u/s reveals exactly what you're hoping for, and that, regardless, you have support in all of the range of emotions that comes with a little one!

[P.J.]

I found out I was having a boy at my 19 week ultrasound. I was very disappointed, we already had a girl's name and I too believed it was a girl. But, at that same ultrasound there was a suspicious shadow on the brain area, which looked like water. I had to wait overnight until I could see the specialist the next day, and it was the hardest night of my life. The next day we were assured our baby was healthy, and indeed a boy. It mostly cured me of my disappointment, as it was really put into perspective that the gender is so much less important than having a healthy baby.

I still get a little whiff of remorse whenever I go clothes shopping for my baby boy, as girls' clothes are so much cuter, but honestly that's the only time I ever even think of that regret. However, if we have a second I know I'll be exactly in your position, as I would of course love to have a girl and a boy rather than two boys, so I can sort of relate.

I guess one way to help you get over it if you are having another boy is to just be grateful he is healthy and remember how much you love your son and that you'll love this baby equally as much if it's a boy or girl. Disappointment is natural and allow yourself to feel it and even wallow in it for awhile, and then really make an effort to move on. I hope you get more useful suggestion here. Good luck!

[lillymonster]

I was told at 12 weeks I was having a boy. I have one girl, and I wanted another one. Which is so weird because when I was pregnant with DD, I really wanted and was convinced I was having a boy and I found out I was having a girl. So I think either way I just can't be happy.

I will find out either way in a little over a week if his thoughts on the n/t us were true, and I have tried to get used to the idea of a boy since 12 weeks, I was really disappointed when the OB first told me, so I knew I had to get over it and used to it in case he could have been right. I am secretly hoping he is wrong. In the meantime, I have been looking at boy clothes.

What is pretty funny about the whole thing, is DD is not by any means a girly girly. She never like to wear anything in her hair, never played with dolls. The only thing "girl" about her is she does like the color pink, but otherwise, wants to play soccer, won't wear dresses and likes helping daddy work around the house. My dreams/thoughts of her taking dance classes, and playing with dolls and putting her in cute dresses are not the reality. Oh and bugs and snakes - she can beat any boy in her love for all things creepy crawly!

[Anastasiya]

I had pretty bad gender disappointment with my second and third babies (both boys). It took me a looong time to bond with my unborn first son (second baby) because he was a boy, and I was crushed upon finding my third child was a boy, too. It took me a good month or two before I was okay with it. And even then, I was just "okay", never really happy.

For that reason, when I was pregnant with number four, I refused to have a U/S to determine gender. I knew that if I found out early that I was having another boy, I'd be spending the remainder of my pregnancy bummed and completely disappointed. I also knew that if I waited until birth to know the sex, I wouldn't care one way or the other because I was relying on that lovely bonding hormone called oxytocin to flood me with maternal love . So either way, the baby wouldn't be getting the "bummer" vibes from me.

Anyway, long story short, the baby was our third boy, and I was thrilled when he came out, penis and all! I have not once resented, regretted, been disappointed or anything with him. I am SO glad I didn't find out early.

Now we're expecting number five, and once again, no gender U/S. I still want another girl, but I won't put myself or the little person inside me through all that regret if it is in fact another boy.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by HeatherB

Last time, I was absolutely convinced I was having a girl. It was mostly a cerebral thing, and at times it felt "unreal" - almost like a dream or pretending. I didn't realize it then, but I was just pretending... it was not a girl, it was a boy, and he's a sweet delight for all of us. It was also very tough at some points because I was fully expecting to birth a girl. I really felt like I was missing a baby. The one I was holding was wonderful, but where was the other one?!

That's EXACTLY how I felt when I had my son, only back then, I thought I'd be having a whole houseful of children, many more chances, so I was relieved to let myself think, "oh, she must be coming next time". This is my last chance baby, so I'm afraid my feelings will be much more magnified.

With my son, I literally woke up one morning an "knew" it was a boy. I'd wanted a girl, but I just knew it was a boy, which was later confirmed in an ultrasound. If that ultrasound had said he was a girl, I would have been pleasantly surprised. This one "feels" like a girl, so I'm afraid I'm just fooling myself and will be devastated if it's actually a boy when I go for that ultrasound in a couple weeks. I was so sure of the gender with my son, my family has a history of having an intuition before knowing the gender, so it's so hard to convince myself not to let it "feel" like a girl, know what I mean?

Originally Posted by lillymonster

What is pretty funny about the whole thing, is DD is not by any means a girly girly. She never like to wear anything in her hair, never played with dolls. The only thing "girl" about her is she does like the color pink, but otherwise, wants to play soccer, won't wear dresses and likes helping daddy work around the house. My dreams/thoughts of her taking dance classes, and playing with dolls and putting her in cute dresses are not the reality. Oh and bugs and snakes - she can beat any boy in her love for all things creepy crawly!

Of course, I'm thinking pink hair ties and dresses, baby dolls and girly frills, etc, but I honestly don't mind a tomboy. It's the girl way of thinking I crave. I work with preschool aged children and I already have a son. There is a definite difference in the way they think, even at that young. My son was the ultimate Mama's boy, and he's not into sports, etc, but even then, I never truly understood him and his way of thinking. It was actually sometimes almost painful to play with him as a young child, not because I didn't want to play with him, but I just could not understand or really get into rolling toy trains on the floor, running around making car noises, pretending to make explosions, etc. Same goes for my boys in my preschool class- I enjoy my time with them, but I don't "get" them at all. My stepdaughter, I understood her perfectly. We were two peas in a pod (I used to tell her that she's the daughter I never had). The little girls in my preschool class, even the most tomboyish ones, I get, I understand their mindset, I know how they think and even when they play cars, they're not "the actual car", they tend to be "driving the car to work and then pick the baby up from daycare and here's the seatbelt and oh, no, they have to go back because they forgot their lunch, and now they're going to stop at the crosswalk to let the man cross the street...", know what I mean?

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by kblackstone444

It was actually sometimes almost painful to play with him as a young child, not because I didn't want to play with him, but I just could not understand or really get into rolling toy trains on the floor, running around making car noises, pretending to make explosions, etc. Same goes for my boys in my preschool class- I enjoy my time with them, but I don't "get" them at all. My stepdaughter, I understood her perfectly. We were two peas in a pod (I used to tell her that she's the daughter I never had). The little girls in my preschool class, even the most tomboyish ones, I get, I understand their mindset, I know how they think and even when they play cars, they're not "the actual car", they tend to be "driving the car to work and then pick the baby up from daycare and here's the seatbelt and oh, no, they have to go back because they forgot their lunch, and now they're going to stop at the crosswalk to let the man cross the street...", know what I mean?

hmm....I think my daughter must play like a boy! I have a hard time relating to her, so I think it can happen either way. Now she isn't as rambunctious as most boys are, but she isn't into imaginative play like most girls either.

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by lillymonster

Now she isn't as rambunctious as most boys are, but she isn't into imaginative play like most girls either.

My older son (4) is not "rambunctious" at all. And he LOVES imaginative play! He is amazing, will make me "coffee" out of an empty plastic bottle and strainer, build an entire airport out of legos and pretend to be Air Traffic Control, etc. He loves dressing up and wearing different hats and sunglasses, etc. He's so much fun.

[RedOakMomma]

You may feel some, or a lot, of disappointment. Please don't feel guilty about that. Once you have your child, and once you KNOW your child, you will know in the depths of your heart that you could never have wanted them to anything other than what they are.

I wanted ds3 to be a girl. He was a boy. Just a year or two down the road, I literally laugh at myself for my disappointed hopes. I LOVE him. Love him, love him, love him. I couldn't imagine having any child in the universe but him.

I wanted this baby to be a boy. I lost a baby through miscarriage last fall and I had/have such a gut feeling it was a boy. I had the name. I treasured the thought of having another boy. It's a girl. I'm nervous about that, because our (adopted) daughter is such a challenge, but I know I just need to give it time. A year or two from now, I know I'll be laughing at myself again, thinking "how could you ever want anything else but her?"

Be easy on yourself.

[rightkindofme]

I don't find out gender partially to avoid this. I'm really afraid that if I found out gender in advance I would spend my pregnancies mourning what is 'lost' rather than being joyful about what is to come. (Not trying to project about what other people do--I think *I* would do this.) In my kind of 'perfect' world I wanted a son then a daughter. My first child is a girl and I could not be more delighted and in love with her than I am. It helps that she is an exceptionally easy to get along with child. I definitely won the lottery for easy first time mothering experiences. I'm more apprehensive about kid #2. I feel slightly more pressure to 'give my husband his boy' but then again... I've always wanted a boy too... I don't know. It's all kinds of confusing. Lately I've been thinking, "But man two girls might be easier..."

I'll just take what I get and like it!

[myk]

i'm so sorry you lost your daughter (i can't imagine.. i mean you divorce the parent, not the kid) and the baby's father is being a dink. it must just amplify your "i really want a girl" feelings. my gender wish came true, but i know another person who desperately wanted a girl, was convinced he was a girl, and he came out a boy. she didn't react well. my hope for you is that you find out as soon as possible, so that if you need to readjust your thinking and grieve the loss of a dream (girl), you'll be able to cope with the birth easier.

my bigger hope for you is that you get your girl, of course, but i know you'll love your child regardless. best wishes

[taffywelsh]

Here is a link to a forum devoted to this topic:
http://www.in-gender.com/cs/forums/6.aspx

[MaerynPearl]

Originally Posted by JFTB1177

My older son (4) is not "rambunctious" at all. And he LOVES imaginative play! He is amazing, will make me "coffee" out of an empty plastic bottle and strainer, build an entire airport out of legos and pretend to be Air Traffic Control, etc. He loves dressing up and wearing different hats and sunglasses, etc. He's so much fun.

My DS is the same... hes just as content reading a book or adding on to his 5 story hotel made out of legos as he is riding his bike up and down the block.

Hes not the sort to wrestle (unless he is around other boys initiating it, but he doesnt) or to build a ramp for his bike to go up over. Hes the sort to randomly come into the livingroom, at age 7, and ask me how *insert totally random object here* is made... so I look up videos on the manufacturing process of it and he is enthralled by it.

He also plays dress up, with his little sisters dress up outfits.

Boys arent all bad! Really... mine is just the sweetest thing in the whole world.

But I grew up with a bunch of brothers and hardly any sisters and yeah, I was a bit sad to find out he was a boy. But I got over it pretty fast.

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

My DS is the same... hes just as content reading a book or adding on to his 5 story hotel made out of legos as he is riding his bike up and down the block.

Hes not the sort to wrestle (unless he is around other boys initiating it, but he doesnt) or to build a ramp for his bike to go up over. Hes the sort to randomly come into the livingroom, at age 7, and ask me how *insert totally random object here* is made... so I look up videos on the manufacturing process of it and he is enthralled by it.

He also plays dress up, with his little sisters dress up outfits.

Boys arent all bad! Really... mine is just the sweetest thing in the whole world.

But I grew up with a bunch of brothers and hardly any sisters and yeah, I was a bit sad to find out he was a boy. But I got over it pretty fast.

I didn't mean for my comment to come across as a stereotype, but I think I meant something like, we get attached to an ideal, and reality isn't like that either way. DD was nothing like I expected a little girl to be. My sister had 3 boys, and that was what made me want a boy so badly to begin with. But now she is here, I will admit my biggest sadness is if I have a boy, getting rid of all DD girls clothes and admitting that her babyhood is over, and I'll never go through it again with another girl. Which is silly because I will go through it again with another child and it will be all new, it's still a little sad to let the past go sometimes.

[gradstudentmommy]

I really wanted this baby I'm carrying to be a girl. I wanted DD to have a sister and I couldn't stand the thought of never getting to use all of her cute girl outfits again. DD is a bit of a tomboy and never liked skirts and never tolerated me putting bows in her hair or pony tails. And so many of her clothes she had refused to wear because she didn't like them.

So I was a little disappointed to find out I'm having a boy. It was sad giving away all of her baby clothes (this is our last child) but now I rarely think about. I think it's nice that my DD will be the only "daddy's little girl." Maybe there will be less competition between them.

Like Redoakmomma said, it's natural to feel disappointed but you will love that baby more than anything, regardless of his or her gender.

[Weevil]

This is why I've decided I want to find out the gender after all. Until recently I had no idea (intuitively) of whether I'm carrying a boy or a girl, and it was easy for me to think we could just wait. I really don't care that much either way, though I am leaning a bit towards wanting a boy. But the past week or two I have completely convinced myself that this baby is a boy. I don't want to get all attached to the idea of a boy and then have a girl and be in shock I'm 16 weeks and not incredibly attached to the idea of a boy or a girl at this point, so I'm hoping the "disappointment" (if I can use such a strong word) won't be so bad if I find out at the anatomy scan rather than spending my entire pregnancy thinking it is a boy and then getting a girl.

[Just1More]

I really think this baby is a boy. And I was right with my other 3, so it's hard not to assume I'm right this time, too. I do want it to be a boy. There are lots of reasons, but...

Anyway, I won't be disappointed if it is a girl. I am confident that we are given our children in the right time, and the right way. If this baby is a girl, I KNOW that she is here for a reason. And I'll be really thankful for her, and really excited to see who she is and what she becomes.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I thought I was going to be really upset when I found out it was a boy during the begining of my pregnancy. For a lot of reasons, but namely because I had the underlying feeling if it was a boy, STBX would fight me more.

But the night before my 20 week u/s I had a dream that it was indeed a boy and I woke with a peace and acceptance in my heart. I didn't even need the u/s tech to tell me it was a boy, I saw it clearly, and already knew in my heart.

And I've been pretty okay with it. STBX is fighting, as expected, but I'm dealing with that too.

I've been getting excited wondering how different my kids will be because of one a girl and one a boy and what unique experiences I will get to be a part of because of seeing the world through a little male's eyes, which is something I've never known before.

I've found ways to get myself excited about the new adventure and that has helped a lot.

[oliviab]

Originally Posted by HeatherB

There's an entire forum (not sure where, but I found it once) about gender disappointment. It's totally normal to have disappointment when something isn't what you had hoped or expected. Just think, if you are sure your DH is getting you a new car for Christmas, and that little jangly box turns out to be a beautiful necklace (and not a set of car keys), you're going to be disappointed. Sure, you'll get over it, but all those hopes and dreams of driving to the in-law's Christmas dinner in a brand new car are shattered. You may not talk to anyone about it because it seems sort of frivolous. After all, your DH obviously loves you, you had a lovely day, and you got a gift that's really very nice. But the feeling is real, and you have to deal with it.

Now, that's something of a silly example, but I hope it makes the point. Gender wishes/hopes/dreams are very real. The reality is that while you might get a new car at a later date, you may NOT have the chance to have another child, and that makes it all the more a real, intense, and sometimes hard to cope with feeling.

Some people find out gender at their u/s to try to deal with these feelings before the baby comes. Others (like me) prefer to have a real, live, adorable, healthy baby to connect with while dealing with potential feelings.

Last time, I was absolutely convinced I was having a girl. It was mostly a cerebral thing, and at times it felt "unreal" - almost like a dream or pretending. I didn't realize it then, but I was just pretending... it was not a girl, it was a boy, and he's a sweet delight for all of us. It was also very tough at some points because I was fully expecting to birth a girl. I really felt like I was missing a baby. The one I was holding was wonderful, but where was the other one?!

I think one thing that's hard for some to understand about "gender disappointment" is it has NOTHING to do with the baby that IS; it's all about the baby that ISN'T. It's longing for something you don't have and may never get. It's almost like losing a child, because you've thought and hoped and dreamed so much for that child, and then that child doesn't come.

I don't really have any great advice on how to cope with it, other than to acknowledge that it's real and does NOT mean you love your existing child any less. Myself, I'm working very hard in this pregnancy to be prepared for either case - either the girl we're still all hoping and dreaming for, or another boy to fill out a four-pack of adorable, energetic, sweet, and loving little guys.

FWIW, I have had strong feelings (non-cerebral but intuitive) that this is a girl. At this point, I almost hate to hope that it is, though it's certainly a longing in my heart to have a daughter. I won't find out for about 15 more weeks, though!

I do hope your u/s reveals exactly what you're hoping for, and that, regardless, you have support in all of the range of emotions that comes with a little one!

This is a beautiful post HeatherB! So glad I got to read it

[Aliy]

I understand your troubles. I was so sure with my second it was a girl. I was wrong looking back at it i was trying to convince myself that it was a girl casue i really wanted a girl but there were so many similaritys between the pregnancies that deep down I knew it was a boy. We waited till we had the child to find out what gender it was. My husband says he sees no point in finding out casue we aren't going to love the baby anyless and we don't need to buy a bunch of stuff.

Now I kinda think waiting i didn't have the disappointment cause I had a baby and ulimately it doesn't matter but at the same time I don't think it set in for a bit that it wasn't a girl... it just was and a beautiful baby boy.

Now it may also be that it was just number 2 and we are planning on 4 children so there is hope for pink. I'm hoping for pink this time but not feeling like I'm puting as much stock into it as last time. I know God will give me the children he has chosen for me, and there's not much i can do about it

I hope you can find some peace with whatever gender your baby is. each child is a gift to you and need to be loved and cherished no matter what their genitalia is