Slovenly 7 year old - trying to be gentle.

[brokenheart]

My 7 year old has a very weak bladder (runs in the family) and still wears pull-ups at night. We are totally matter-of-fact about it and never make it an issue (obviously) and she feels no shame or anything. (I just mention this because it is totally different from how my sibling was made to feel growing up.) We just tell her that her bladder needs to grow a bit more to be stronger.

My problem is that she tosses the pee-filled pull-up on the floor every.single.morning. Seriously. And I've had it. For a long time I would just throw it away and tell her "DD, you left your pull-up on the floor....please be sure to throw it away in the morning". That never worked. Then I would actually call her over and ask her to pick it up and throw it away. When my DH finds it, he does the same thing (but he is more irritated with her). Then I tried reasoning with her....it is only a few more steps to throw it in the garbage, and nobody wants to step on it (etc etc). Not trying to shame her, but by 7 you would think that she would not want her dad stepping on her wet diaper (!!!). But apparently she doesn't care.

Then I tried a light-hearted approach. I told her (playfully) that I would have to break her doll if she left the pull up on the floor. Of course I didn't (she knew I was just kidding anyway...I was just trying to get it through her head that I want it to stop).

But I'm tired of it. She is so lazy and slovenly. I've always just done everything because it is faster and I don't feel like dealing with drama (she is SUCH a drama queen). And up until now, I guess I figured she was just a small child, etc. But suddenly she doesn't seem so small anymore, and the fact that she throws her shoes everywhere and drops clothes on the floor and never cleans anything is making me nutty. Yes, I always am trying to mirror the behavior I want, I stand there and get her to pick her stuff up (in a positive way), ask her if she wants to help me vacuum, etc etc. Nothing works. She's just a slob.

But the wet pull-up thing is driving me batty. Can an intelligent 7 year old truly be forgetting every morning?? I feel like it is a weird power struggle or something, but I'm not trying to have power here. It is just simple respect for other people....I'm so tired of stepping in pee!! I suppose I could get really angry and punish her, but that's not me at all and I don't feel like starting an otherwise nice day out with anger.

P.S. I've tried to figure out a "natural consequence" here, but I have no idea what it would be. I suppose it would be leaving the wet pull ups on the floor (which would start to smell unpleasant and her friends would see them)....but she leaves them everywhere....the bathroom, the livingroom, etc. I can't leave them laying around.

[chfriend]

My nephew had a nite dipe late and did the exact same thing. He's not at all lazy or slovenly...but definitely an "absent minded professor" type. Does that description fit your dd?

He's 13 now, completely brilliant, all-city in the French horn and on a high level competitive soccer team. Still absent minded, but obviously, still not lazy. Sometimes completely forgets what he's doing.

I just picked up his pull up and threw it out. It seems like you've tried everything...except just adopting a "this too shall pass" feeling and letting it go.

[mamazee]

I guess I would try some of the techniques from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. As in, standing by the diaper, calling her in, and saying "The diaper!" and then sitting there expectantly (like you're waiting for the bus) until she does something. After she throws it away for a while, she'll get in the habit, but it will take time to get her into the habit. When she says she forgets, it's probably true. It isn't a habit for her or part of her routine. So whatever you do, the key is doing it for a while until it becomes a habit for her.

I cleaned up alongside my 8-year-old until cleaning became a habit for her, and that was until she was 6 or 7 or something, and I mean from a young age until she was that old. Now she had friends help her clean up after play before they go, and she tidies up before bed, on her own without my prompting. (Amazing! I thought it would never happen!) I just did it with her and did a bit of the "waiting for the bus" stuff until it became a habit. But it really does take a long time to make it a habit. It isn't a quick fix. But now it is truly out of habit and because she likes her room neat, not because of how she's afraid I'll react, so hopefully when she's on her own she will still have thsi habit.

[Plaid Leopard]

All of my kids have gone through this to a certain degree. I have a child who leaves the clothes, shoes and toys EVERYWHERE as well, and does not like to be told to pick them up.

I have to ask several times during the day if things are done. Or just say in passing, as you do, that something is on the floor.

One thing that I do that sometimes works is refuse (gently) to do anthing dc wants me to do until the things are picked up. For example, if dc askes me to read a book I say I will read a book or play a game after the stuff is picked up. Also, if any of my dc want to watch a DVD or play a computer game, I ask them to do a quick clean-up before-hand. Unfortunately, they will do just about anything for these privileges, but if I just ask them to do something with no return it is a battle.

Maybe something like that will work for your dd.

In any case, I know you are just venting here - but I do hope that you do not actually tell your daughter that she is lazy and slovenly. That would be very hurtful and of course a sure-fire way for her to actually become lazy and slovenly. She will think there is no point in cleaning up as she is just that way.

[brokenheart]

Originally Posted by Plaid Leopard

but I do hope that you do not actually tell your daughter that she is lazy and slovenly. That would be very hurtful and of course a sure-fire way for her to actually become lazy and slovenly. She will think there is no point in cleaning up as she is just that way.

Right, I don't actually say that. But I sometimes do remind her in a exasperated tone to pick it up. I have to admit....my patience is wearing thin.

HOWEVER...thank you, ladies. Just the reminder that she's not the only child who does this and that it will pass gives me the strength to just "not sweat the small stuff". I think because I have a SIL who is superwoman and who raises absolutely perfect children makes me a bit nervous that I'm way too laid back. But deep down I don't think I am.

[lolar2]

Have you tried putting the garbage can right up next to the bed?

[rlandnl]

I had the EXACT same problem with my DS he too is 7 years old. Add to that that he would leave it on for hours after he got up and I got tired of it. He would take it off and throw it on the floor.

He too sucks at picking up his toys, clothes etc. But he has asperger's, sensory processing, as well as motor planning problems and anxiety. So I know that this is always going to be an issue.

But the pee soaked nighttimes was really getting to me! I tried many things, but my son works best with rewards. So I told him I would give him a sticker every morning that he took off his night time right away and threw it in the trash can. After 30 stickers on the calendar I would get him a new toy. But he decided he wanted a new DS game. So I told him he had to get 60 stickers (and they all had to be in a row). He has gotten 55 stickers. My though behind the getting them all in a row and choosing such high numbers (besides that a DS game cost me about 10 bucks -used on Ebay) is that i figured after such a long time he would have gotten into the habit of doing it. And I have to say I have not found a wet nighttime on the floor or found him playing in his nighttime since we started this. It's not even something we have to talk about.

If this works out as well as it seems like it has I will use this type of reward system for other little things that need to change that I know he's capable of changing with some help and direction. This has been so pleasurable because we stopped struggling over it, we stopped discussing it, we stopped getting frustrated. He knew what he had to do, and while he needed reminding at first what he was supposed to be doing, the calendar eventually was enough reminder and then i think he had just gotten into the habit and didn't need any reminders

[heartmama]

This thread actually gave me flashbacks. Oh the days of finding old pee soaked pull ups under the bed! I have been *exactly* where you are at

For You: Accept that for whatever reason, this is your child's particular issue. Yes it seems absurd. It seems ridiculous. Yes she is physically/cognitively capable of throwing away the pull up but she is choosing not to do it. Since she has not responded to friendly reminders or playful approaches (and I assume she normally would respond) then just accept, first and foremost, that she is stuck on this one oddball issue. No kid is perfectly rational, you know? It could be something as far fetched as "pull ups make me feel like a baby so when I treat the pull up like a baby does, and throw it on the floor". It could be something just like that, going through her head, but she can't really articulate it.

SO, two GD suggestions:

(1). Approach this as though she doesn't know any better. Incorporate "putting pull up in the trash" into the part of the morning routine you spend together. Do as you would with a 2 year old "Uh oh, pull up on the floor, can you put it in the trash?". If she won't do it, then do it yourself while talking in the same neutral way about how nice it is to have it go in the trash, etc. Then when it is done have some very positive association ready, praise, or breakfast, or whatever. Sometimes a few days of simple acceptance and toddler-level parenting just breaks the old routine, hits a reset button, with older kids. After all, they don't need this level of supervision. Once they get it, and get tired of it, an easy way out is to just do the behavior on their own. Which is what you wanted all along. The key to this is to NEVER hint that your supervision is punishment of any kind for the behavior. Focus only on the act that needs done each day, no put downs, no criticism. A task needs done and the child seems unready to do it so you do it together as you did in younger years.

(2). Rewards. Used sparingly they worked like magic with my son on this issue. Let her make a chart, and check off each day she throws away the pull up without reminders. Let her check off the box and bring it to you for a treat you agree upon together. Keep it light, happy, no punishment, no negativity. If she is otherwise pretty agreeable, this may work.