Could you continue to work your job if your husband/partner... - Page 2

[That Is Nice]

Thank you Elien C.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Ellien C

Can you leave out all of the conflicting messages society gives you: "stand by your man," "make enough to support yourself," "don't be dependent" "do be the best mother" "take care of the house - laundry, cooking, cleaning," "give the best to your children, not your employer-" Whatever it is that society is sending.

Oh, man. Deconstruction. Yikes. That would be very hard for me to do. I think, in part, it's because it has always been so easy for everyone around me to do, you know? I don't have anyone to rely on - never have - because no one around me (parents, mostly) held very strongly to those societal constructs. (Darn hippie untraditional, unconventional, off grid parents who couldn't resist drugs and alcohol and free love).

It is very, very difficult for me to leave those tenets behind. But maybe I should.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Thank you Elien C.

I'm glad we're OK. I don't want to come down on you because you DON'T need another critic. On the outside, you look like a very good mom and devoted wife!

[provocativa]

Your posts always entertain me, because your da*n H is so much like mine. He thinks that it's some kind of extremism that I demand his help with the house. Yet every time you call his boss for something (we're friendly), and say hey what are you doing- his boss, a rich family man, is doing housework. Every. time. I finally came to the conclusion that husbands don't tell other husbands how much housework they do. And so then there is this illusion that wives like us are 'asking for too much', when in reality, other men in happy marriages are doing as much or more, without verbally abusing their partners for it. Sigh.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Ellien C

I'm glad we're OK. I don't want to come down on you because you DON'T need another critic. On the outside, you look like a very good mom and devoted wife!

No worries. We're OK. I'm open to criticism. Believe me. Criticize away. From criticism comes ideas and perspective and / or a more defensible opinion, right?

I do think I try my best to be a good mom. Devoted wife? Not so much. I'm definitely not devoted to DH. Maybe to stability of marriage or making sure I try my best to not screw him over. But I'm not devoted to him as a person because he just hasn't earned that. Or reciprocated, and I'm not sure he's capable of that.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by provocativa

Your posts always entertain me, because your da*n H is so much like mine. He thinks that it's some kind of extremism that I demand his help with the house.

Yes!

Oh, yes. Every word out of my mouth is nagging to DH. Talking is nagging to him.

If I get terse and serious, I'm "screaming" at him.

If I ask for something, I am "demanding."

Absolutely.

DH is a guy who doesn't want to talk. Ever. It's a chore. His exchanges, conversations, emails are very short to everyone, very one note, very monotonous. He is like that with everyone.

He'll get on the phone - to whomever - and he'll be very brief and hang up and I'll be like what did they say. "I don't know." What about this? What time is this happening? Where should we meet them?" Etc. And DH will be like, I don't know, I didn't ask them, I didn't think of that, we didn't talk about that.

He's a man of few words, and even fewer actions.

He'd be perfectly happy playing video games or watching tv all day and not talking to anyone. In fact, now that I think of it, I guess one reason he likes the tv on as background is so that he doesn't have to fill the silence and anyone who might enter the room will be engaged or distracted by the tv and not expect DH to talk to them.

He feels like if I ask him a question, I'm putting him on the spot. Seriously.

[KSLaura]

Wow...your situation sounds a lot like mine! I definately empathize(for what its worth).

Can you afford an au pair, or maybe someone to help clean every once in a while? How about buying paper plates and cups in bulk, and using a crock pot several times a week?

My DH works very long hours...sometimes 7 days a week (for much less pay than I make). His major contribution is taking the kids to daycare every day. He sometimes does the dishes or cooks. I do the bulk of everything else. I usually spend most of one of my days off doing laundry. I also end up re-arranging my work schedule, to allow for his.

We've had quite a few conflicts about him not helping as much as I think he should. I'm sure he would consider me to be a nag. Anyway, I guess I don't have any great solutions...

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by KSLaura

I do the bulk of everything else. I usually spend most of one of my days off doing laundry. I also end up re-arranging my work schedule, to allow for his.

Oh, man. Yes, this sounds so familar. In fact, DH and I were discussing the usual things today and DH said I should do this. He said since I get more time off than he does, I need to cover for him. It will never be 50-50, he said. Never. He can't do it, and I should stop asking him to.

He said something like, "Look, what do you want from me? I'm not going to get promoted, I'm not going to get another job, I'm not going to ever be in management. This is the best I'm going to do and it's all you can expect me to contribute."

[LittleBattleAxe]

TiN, you are in such a crazy spot right now -- and it sounds as if you have a lot more patience than I have.

In that situation I would honestly think about what it would take to be on my own -- completely. Knowing that I would have to pull the weight financially, domestically. Do you see that as your future and how do you feel about it? Do you feel like your H is more of an impediment than an asset? Can you visualize being the sole breadwinner?

I can't judge your situation. I've had some hard time on the homefront and chose to work things out. But I also had to spend some time learning what it would be like for me to be by myself, so that I could be prepared in case things didn't work out. It was really hard but one of the best things I've done for myself, emotionally/mentally/spiritually/financially. I know in my profession I'll NEVER be wealthy; I also know I can keep a roof over our heads.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by LittleBattleAxe

TiN, you are in such a crazy spot right now -- and it sounds as if you have a lot more patience than I have.

In that situation I would honestly think about what it would take to be on my own -- completely. Knowing that I would have to pull the weight financially, domestically. Do you see that as your future and how do you feel about it? Do you feel like your H is more of an impediment than an asset? Can you visualize being the sole breadwinner?

I can't judge your situation. I've had some hard time on the homefront and chose to work things out. But I also had to spend some time learning what it would be like for me to be by myself, so that I could be prepared in case things didn't work out. It was really hard but one of the best things I've done for myself, emotionally/mentally/spiritually/financially. I know in my profession I'll NEVER be wealthy; I also know I can keep a roof over our heads.

Well, this may sound crass but it's where it's at given all DH has said and done. And not done, that is.

Is DH an impediment. Hell yeah. He's so useless on so many things. I can't count on him.

Really, outside of his income and some assitance with bath time and dressing our child in the morning, and maybe having him pick up some toys, I don't get much out of DH. He's just not that helpful. Do a load of laundry. He's going to f it up because he still can't figure out sorting or soap or temperature or how not to overload the thing. WTF? Load a load of dishes? He doesn't clean them right, overloads it or loads things too closely and they clink or chip. Sigh. Clean the toilets? It's like he's a teenager. Mow the lawn? The neighbors have complained and even his dad lifts his eyebrows and mocks him.

Here's the thing. DH does just about everything while listening to his iPod and I think he's paying more attention to that than anything else. His mom never required him to do chores or pick up his room, and DH balks at work, always has, always will. He's a piss poor cleaner. No elbow grease in that guy. And just doesn't care. He's not type A at all. About anything. And takes no pride in anything.

His brother once was giving him advice on applying for a job with the company his brother works for. And he emphasized to my husband "they'll reward you IF you do a good job." I heard the subtext of what he was saying.

So, yeah, I guess I better figure out how to be a breadwinner myself. I wish my house would sell so we could get separate apartments.