This is long and bloggy but I really hope someone else identifies with how this is playing out in my house.
I need people-free time to recharge, even if it's not a "break" and I'm doing chores or something. I just need to be alone and not "on" waiting for someone else to need something.
This happens when the DDs are asleep. Realistically, we have a very small house (900 sq ft, 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, open connected living room and kitchen). So we've tried DH doing baths with me on the other end of the house ... doesn't work, I can still hear them. I wore headphones and read a book ... I was still on edge waiting for DD1 to burst through the door. It just didn't work with them awake in the house. DH could take them somewhere on his days off, but everything is at least an hour's drive (yes, we are very isolated) so not really worth it. They'd spend more time driving than being wherever they're going. Plus he's off one week per month. I'd still be "on" 24/7 for 3 weeks out of the month. There is nowhere else I can leave them (less than an hour away) and no one else I trust to watch them during the day (SIL lives nearby but does a lot of things I don't agree with, which I can intercept if I'm there, but I'd worry if I wasn't and still be "on"). Sleep is it. (I mean I know something has to give, but I've thought about those options for alone time already and they're not going to happen.)
But when I try to get out of bed in the morning, they wake up. And it hurts me to admit this, because they're so happy to see me and each other ... but I get mad. Really angry. Enraged. I've read over and over "don't touch your kids when you're angry" and even "leave the room if you feel like you're going to snap". I can't. They're jumping on the bed and hugging me, and I have to carry DD2 out with me or she'll crawl off the bed. Then they're both following me around out in the living room/kitchen, the day has started, and I'm "on" for the next 12 hours because DH works long days (leaves before we wake up) and they do NOT nap at the same time, ever. I start imagining having NO time alone that day and I get angry, fast. I snap at them and have a short fuse all day long. I NEED SOME TIME ALONE.
That's not how I want to start our day. The days when I can sneak out of bed at 6:30 and hear them talking to each other at 8:30 ... I can collect myself before I go get them and we can roll on the bed and giggle together before we get dressed and DD1 "helps" make breakfast while DD1 plays with bowls and spoons. Those days are so much better in every way. I started out restful instead of resentful.
Naps are horrendous. DD1 is trying to drop her nap, but she really still needs it most days, and gets super clingy and starts throwing fits around 2:00. I don't even bother trying to put her down because I can't put DD2 down! She constantly wakes her up! DD2 will nurse to sleep in my lap, and I ease out from under her thinking "Aha, now I can go put DD1 down and she can actually nap today! And maybe I can be ALONE for a little while!" then DD1 comes stomping over demanding something, and when I shush her or ask her to wait she throws a tantrum ... waking DD2 up. And I get so mad at both of them. DD1 for being loud and waking her sister up, and DD2 for waking up. That sounds horrible, getting angry at my child for *waking up*, but it's true. So in the end neither of them nap and I get angrier knowing that neither of them are going to nap! And then the afternoon is shot. DD1 and I are both throwing tantrums (I do recognize that's basically what I'm doing!).
Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way about sleep.
I need people-free time to recharge, even if it's not a "break" and I'm doing chores or something. I just need to be alone and not "on" waiting for someone else to need something.
This happens when the DDs are asleep. Realistically, we have a very small house (900 sq ft, 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, open connected living room and kitchen). So we've tried DH doing baths with me on the other end of the house ... doesn't work, I can still hear them. I wore headphones and read a book ... I was still on edge waiting for DD1 to burst through the door. It just didn't work with them awake in the house. DH could take them somewhere on his days off, but everything is at least an hour's drive (yes, we are very isolated) so not really worth it. They'd spend more time driving than being wherever they're going. Plus he's off one week per month. I'd still be "on" 24/7 for 3 weeks out of the month. There is nowhere else I can leave them (less than an hour away) and no one else I trust to watch them during the day (SIL lives nearby but does a lot of things I don't agree with, which I can intercept if I'm there, but I'd worry if I wasn't and still be "on"). Sleep is it. (I mean I know something has to give, but I've thought about those options for alone time already and they're not going to happen.)
But when I try to get out of bed in the morning, they wake up. And it hurts me to admit this, because they're so happy to see me and each other ... but I get mad. Really angry. Enraged. I've read over and over "don't touch your kids when you're angry" and even "leave the room if you feel like you're going to snap". I can't. They're jumping on the bed and hugging me, and I have to carry DD2 out with me or she'll crawl off the bed. Then they're both following me around out in the living room/kitchen, the day has started, and I'm "on" for the next 12 hours because DH works long days (leaves before we wake up) and they do NOT nap at the same time, ever. I start imagining having NO time alone that day and I get angry, fast. I snap at them and have a short fuse all day long. I NEED SOME TIME ALONE.
That's not how I want to start our day. The days when I can sneak out of bed at 6:30 and hear them talking to each other at 8:30 ... I can collect myself before I go get them and we can roll on the bed and giggle together before we get dressed and DD1 "helps" make breakfast while DD1 plays with bowls and spoons. Those days are so much better in every way. I started out restful instead of resentful.
Naps are horrendous. DD1 is trying to drop her nap, but she really still needs it most days, and gets super clingy and starts throwing fits around 2:00. I don't even bother trying to put her down because I can't put DD2 down! She constantly wakes her up! DD2 will nurse to sleep in my lap, and I ease out from under her thinking "Aha, now I can go put DD1 down and she can actually nap today! And maybe I can be ALONE for a little while!" then DD1 comes stomping over demanding something, and when I shush her or ask her to wait she throws a tantrum ... waking DD2 up. And I get so mad at both of them. DD1 for being loud and waking her sister up, and DD2 for waking up. That sounds horrible, getting angry at my child for *waking up*, but it's true. So in the end neither of them nap and I get angrier knowing that neither of them are going to nap! And then the afternoon is shot. DD1 and I are both throwing tantrums (I do recognize that's basically what I'm doing!).
Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way about sleep.
