Well, I can see this is going nowhere. Some posts are helpful, most not. Every time I attempt to deconstruct, the basic advice is "life is not fair" (no kidding), "leave your husband," "make your husband do his 'fair' share" (interesting), "handle your responsibilities yourself," and "just go out and build your own village."
Deconstruct further and you find that some people are SAHPs with supportive to semi-supportive spouses and / or full or semi-villages, who aren't in this place and while have their own struggles probably do not get this on this level. Granted, there is no way to compare.
I'm not blaming everyone else and shirking all my responsibility.
God, I've done the opposite of that and carried more of the load for longer than I think is healthy, but with no alternative, that's what needs to be done. And I'm doing it. I'm not waiting around for someone else to do it.
'Life is not fair' is not an answer. It's a trite saying. To say no one has any obligation to be fair to another person is just...bizarre. People have obligations. They don't always live up to them. Yes, life is unfair. Obviously. The ends don't justify the means.
Yes, I'm quite sure my inlaws pick up on some of the tone. I'm sure they are uncomfortable as heck around these parts. Their actions PREDATE all of this and are a cause of at least some of it.
It isn't accurate to assume the "response" to (or effect of) their actions is the "cause" of their actions.
First comes the chicken, then the egg.
Sure, things can compound and get worse, but the cause comes first, the reaction second.
I can't argue against a mob of people. If the chorus says something, then there must be truth in it.
Parents on these boards talk about the need for a village ad nauseum. But say you need a village a little too much, when the going gets really tough, and you might be interpreted as thinking you are demanding a village, expecting a village, thinking you deserve nothing less than a village.
It either takes a village or it doesn't. I feel it does. Or life is perpetually like pulling an all nighter in college. But if there is not one, then that doesn't remove personal responsiblity, and that has not happened here.
Somehow some of you have criticized me for complaining as though that is all I am doing.
I'm not resting on past accomplishments and shirking responsibilitiy. I am pulling an unending all nighter. I need a village, like all of you, and sometimes that might be hard to see or understand if you have givens in your life taken for granted or accepted as fundamentals. I think this is human nature. I'm sure I do it myself on many levels.
Lastly, I'm stunned none of you feel your parents or inlaws have any obligation to your children. In an ethical context, for discussion's sake, if a child's parents die or become disabled, or incarcerated, or incapcitated, do grandparents have no obligation? Do grandparents with means and age have no obligation to the children of their children? It's interesting the responses I have read here and yet you will find in many other forums here on MDC statements about how American society differs in parenting cultural norms from other cultures where the extended family collectively cares for children as a village.
It's just interesting - our cultural norm of independence versus collective and how it manifests in parenting.
It's also funny how 5 minutes of posting and complaining about a longstanding inequitable situation becomes shirking responsibility and not fixing things myself when the 23 other hours of the day are spent doing just that at an exhausting pace.
--
Deconstruct further and you find that some people are SAHPs with supportive to semi-supportive spouses and / or full or semi-villages, who aren't in this place and while have their own struggles probably do not get this on this level. Granted, there is no way to compare.
I'm not blaming everyone else and shirking all my responsibility.
God, I've done the opposite of that and carried more of the load for longer than I think is healthy, but with no alternative, that's what needs to be done. And I'm doing it. I'm not waiting around for someone else to do it.
'Life is not fair' is not an answer. It's a trite saying. To say no one has any obligation to be fair to another person is just...bizarre. People have obligations. They don't always live up to them. Yes, life is unfair. Obviously. The ends don't justify the means.
Yes, I'm quite sure my inlaws pick up on some of the tone. I'm sure they are uncomfortable as heck around these parts. Their actions PREDATE all of this and are a cause of at least some of it.
It isn't accurate to assume the "response" to (or effect of) their actions is the "cause" of their actions.
First comes the chicken, then the egg.
Sure, things can compound and get worse, but the cause comes first, the reaction second.
I can't argue against a mob of people. If the chorus says something, then there must be truth in it.
Parents on these boards talk about the need for a village ad nauseum. But say you need a village a little too much, when the going gets really tough, and you might be interpreted as thinking you are demanding a village, expecting a village, thinking you deserve nothing less than a village.
It either takes a village or it doesn't. I feel it does. Or life is perpetually like pulling an all nighter in college. But if there is not one, then that doesn't remove personal responsiblity, and that has not happened here.
Somehow some of you have criticized me for complaining as though that is all I am doing.
I'm not resting on past accomplishments and shirking responsibilitiy. I am pulling an unending all nighter. I need a village, like all of you, and sometimes that might be hard to see or understand if you have givens in your life taken for granted or accepted as fundamentals. I think this is human nature. I'm sure I do it myself on many levels.
Lastly, I'm stunned none of you feel your parents or inlaws have any obligation to your children. In an ethical context, for discussion's sake, if a child's parents die or become disabled, or incarcerated, or incapcitated, do grandparents have no obligation? Do grandparents with means and age have no obligation to the children of their children? It's interesting the responses I have read here and yet you will find in many other forums here on MDC statements about how American society differs in parenting cultural norms from other cultures where the extended family collectively cares for children as a village.
It's just interesting - our cultural norm of independence versus collective and how it manifests in parenting.
It's also funny how 5 minutes of posting and complaining about a longstanding inequitable situation becomes shirking responsibility and not fixing things myself when the 23 other hours of the day are spent doing just that at an exhausting pace.
--
can only come two days a week, so she has to go drive (not a short drive!) and go get the boys so they're not in the housekeeper's way. Because their parents work so hard and it would be a shame if the housekeeper couldn't get the house clean for them. They have money for multiple sports, classes, and activities too (in addition to the housekeeper) but my MIL will go make the drive (again!) and chauffeur them to all their stuff, plus buy their karate uniforms, camp snacks, daycare nap mats, tee ball equipment, etc. And no, their mom doesn't work.
You can confront them, but they'll just rationalize it away and call you crazy.
