Respectfully, please close - Page 2

[meemee]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

My kid does. We need the help...somewhere, somehow. We need the help.

what kind of help? ONLY answer this question if you need help with finding strategies of where you can turn for help. the somewhere somehow part.

the key here is you aint gonna get it from your in laws. at the most they MIGHT be willing to do is give you some $$$.

but mama you need to use all your hurt energy to look elsewhere.

and in case your son needs loving gparents he can find some. they dont need to be related by blood.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I think you are right about this. I could go out and spend a couple thousand dollars we don't really have and get a great couch, a pool, a big tv, a grill, and MIL and FIL would love it. Those are the draws at my BIL and SIL's home. They love it. I can't change the climate where we live, but I could make other changes. I just don't feel like going into debt for my inlaws. The more they say and do the more selfish and shallow they seem.

I think I'd call for quotes for a) a deep-cleaning and b) once every other week or once a month cleaning before I did that.

It might be time to throw some money at the problem - I know money is tight and I almost never would recommend consumer debt, but this might be the exception. If you have a line of credit where interest isn't ridiculous, I'd call and get those two quotes. It might be less than you think and worth it for the mental boost.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I think sometimes parents like one of their kids more than another. Especially once they become adults. They may get along better, or have more in common, or share values/goals etc. Parents are also people, and it has to be okay for them to not treat all their kids exactly the same, especially grown children.

Your IL's like their other son more, for whatever reason, perhaps they value "nice" things a lot and see that he shares that value, perhaps they do want to go on vacation and not really go "help." They have decided that they would rather spend time with BIL. SIL and their kids, end of story, they have more fun there. Nothing is going to change that, they may see that your dp isn't that concerned with it, or may have ongoing historical issues together as a family. They are people who get to make decisions, they have decided that they'd like to have fun and spend time with BIL.

You need to make a decision about how you can get the help you need and it has to be a decision you can make, you can't make a decision about what someone else *should* do, only what *you* are going to do.

Dp's brother lives close to their parents, their parents spend more time and money on bil and sil because of their proximity. Bil works at the same place as FIL, they spend more time together etc. Right now dp and I have the only grandkid, but I know that MIL told SIL that if she had a baby, that MIL would quit her job to provide childcare while SIL worked.

[Aufilia]

It sounds a lot like my ILs, really. We have two sets of ILs, MIL + stepFIL, and FIL + stepMIL. MIL/sFIL spend tons of money on vacations and trips, but are always "broke". So they pull stunts like spending 2 weeks in the Bahamas, then spend $10 for DD's birthday. MIL was here for 2 weeks after DS was born and hardly spent any time with DD. She slept more than I did and dirtied up my kitchen and talked DH into buying a ton of food at the grocery store so she could cook for us, but never did. FIL/sMIL are very nice, but not involved. I don't think they sent anything for Christmas this year, or for DD's birthday, but I could be wrong. They're scattered about that. But last time we were at their place for Thanksgiving they had a closet packed FULL of stuff for sMIL's grandkids. FIL mostly wants to spend time with DH when he's here, and sMIL, while she is nice to our kids, is not terribly interested in them. (Which is too bad because I really like sMIL and enjoy her company... wish I could trade her for my MIL.)

Anyhow. I hope your kids have other grandparents who don't suck. I feel blessed that we live near my parents, and that my parents are awesome grandparents to our kids.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by meemee

what kind of help? ONLY answer this question if you need help with finding strategies of where you can turn for help. the somewhere somehow part.

the key here is you aint gonna get it from your in laws. at the most they MIGHT be willing to do is give you some $$$.

but mama you need to use all your hurt energy to look elsewhere.

and in case your son needs loving gparents he can find some. they dont need to be related by blood.

Easy to answer!

Since DH gets only two weeks of paid leave, and can't/won't take any unpaid leave, that leaves A LOT of time to cover when school/daycare is closed and when there are appointments or a sick kid.

So, I need help with that so that I'm not covering all of it, or 95% of it as I have for the last 2 plus years.

MIL does help BIL/SIL with this, albeit only four times a year for a week. But still.

I also need help with some babysitting when I have a rare appointment for myself.

I need someone (paid help? DH? MIL?) to cover me when I have to travel out of state for work, about 4-5 times a year. And on days when I have meetings and conference calls when I don't have daycare. I work somewhere between part time and full time, usually 30-35 hours a week. So, I don't have full time daycare. Maybe that is something to go into debt for...I don't know.

I also would like someone to watch our son on the occasional time we need to do a major project. I've got two that have been hanging out there for well over a year. I can't do them because DS would be underfoot in a dangerous environment. And I kind of need to do these things before I can sell the house.

And then, I would LOVE some help with things like shoes and clothes, classes for OT needs, toys, you know, that kind of stuff - the kind of stuff MIL and FIL do all the time for the other grandkids.

That's the help I'd like to see and which would make a big difference.

[bestjob]

My mother didn't make the effort to understand my kids and our more down-to-earth lives. She's been disappointed by one of my brothers, and my other brother's kids have grown up and moved far away, and now she is old and sick and doesn't have the energy to see my kids. They come along with me and visit occasionally, but the conversation is kind of stilted because it's a conversation among strangers.

While my mom was too busy for us, we built up massive numbers of friends. Last month we went camping with a group of 32 friends and neighbours.

My sister has a friend whom we both agree is her kids' "true to heart" grandmother.

The rest of the world wants to know your family. They want to be friends and caregivers and they can provide the love and support that your husband's family can't find it in their hearts to give you.

As for money, that is very hard. Your kids can get dressed at Value Village and Goodwill, though, and if you can shelter them and feed them, you will be just fine.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I think I'd call for quotes for a) a deep-cleaning and b) once every other week or once a month cleaning before I did that.

It might be time to throw some money at the problem - I know money is tight and I almost never would recommend consumer debt, but this might be the exception. If you have a line of credit where interest isn't ridiculous, I'd call and get those two quotes. It might be less than you think and worth it for the mental boost.

Thanks. Yeah, I'm not one for consumer debt, but I see the point and I've thought about it. A year to 6 months ago I took out a line of credit, 2 low interest credit card from the bank, and a higher interest credit card from a credit card company, all in addition to what I had previously and still have. So, I have oodles of credit, if I need it in an emergency. The balances are all zero. I just did it just in case...just in case DH goes off the handle more than he already has.

[Juvysen]

I am there, too... except MIL agreed to move in with SIL and BIL and babysit, thus spending basically a whole 6 months with them. So, when we went on vacation WITH HER, all she talked about was our niece, even when on the phone while we were on vacation. She spent 10 minutes telling my other BIL about dn, but when asked how things were on vacation, she just talked about the weather... not a single word about our kids I realize that part of it is because she just spends more time w/dn and part of it is that she feels uncomfortable around us because she doesn't "get" (much less agree with) our parenting choices, but it just makes me so sad that my kids are getting ignored.

She doesn't stay here because she is allergic to the cat.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by A&A

I'd realize that they are never going to change and figure out what that meant for me.

That. You can't make them have a relationship with your son. And you can't make them like your family more than sil's.

[D_McG]

I would just assume that they had a better relationship with the other family and leave it at that. I wouldn't care much about it. Now if it was MY parents then it would be a different scene. But my IL's? Spending 4 weeks a year with my IL's sounds dreadful to me (not that there is anything wrong with them, I just like privacy).

I don't know what to tell you. You have a list of things you want from them. Maybe they can perceive that? I'd be less than enthralled if my DIL had a list of time/financial needs that she expected of me. I know it can be hard. We don't live near family but we have made good friends here and we work it out.

If I were you I would put your energy into building a support network near your home. Do your best to close your budget gaps (can someone get a second job? adjust expenses?). And then just move on.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by D_McG

You have a list of things you want from them. Maybe they can perceive that? I'd be less than enthralled if my DIL had a list of time/financial needs that she expected of me.

No I don't. I just want them to be equitable between the grandkids. The list is what they do for the others. I'm not generating it.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by D_McG

Do your best to close your budget gaps (can someone get a second job? adjust expenses?). And then just move on.

Sigh.

DH this weekend when I brought up the idea of canceling cable again...

"Jesus Christ, it's almost football season. No! No way!"

DH wouldn't get a second job. No way. He's said that. Before having kids, when planning things out, he said he'd deliver pizzas. Now he says he's made too much "progress" in his career to be held to that.

I don't know...a second job for me? I can't do my first one and everything else. That's the problem...that's why I need more help.

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I don't know...a second job for me? I can't do my first one and everything else. That's the problem...that's why I need more help.

I want to gently say that you can't force them to like you or your family or want to help you. It's never going to happen. So many circumstances have already proven this. It doesn't matter if you need help; you are simply not entitled to it. It's your own bad luck or poor planning, perhaps, that you didn't marry and have children with someone who had parents who would be more supportive or that you don't have your own family nearby to be supportive and helpful, or that both of you don't make more money so that you can afford to pay for all of this help.

You need a plan to fix what your reality is and make it better, not continue to stress about what the in-laws will never ever do or change to.

I wanted my inlaws to be better people for a very long time and the best thing we ever did was to cut them out of our lives entirely. Sure, it'd be nice if they would babysit on occasion or watch our animals when we go out of town, but in 9 years of living in the same town as them (usually within a 5 minute drive of them), they have never once watched the children for us. It will never, ever, ever happen (well, if we were still talking to them). I believe our children are better off not having a relationship with people who treat them like second class citizens. Your child is better off not knowing that there is such inequity in the family, too. If you don't tell him, he probably won't notice, at least for a while.

Meanwhile, make some friends. We have zero family that we can count on, so we make our community amongst friends. When my friend and her husband won a cruise in a contest, we watched their children while they went away for three days. When they want a night out, we watch their children. When we go to a childbirth class or have an appointment, they will watch our children. I now have a number of friends who are always willing to help us with childcare and in return, we will help them. It's free, it's useful, and it's lovely to have that community, better than having family, I think.

As others have said, let it go and move on. Pretend they don't even exist and then they won't be able to hurt you so much.

[lovingmommyhood]

Honestly? I wouldn't make any efforts to contact them nor get my child involved with them. I just...wouldn't. I'm sorry that they hurt you but I wouldn't continue pushing them to do something they don't want to do. I'd protect my child from them because sooner or later my child would realize that they are treated unfairly.

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by D_McG

I would just assume that they had a better relationship with the other family and leave it at that. I wouldn't care much about it. Now if it was MY parents then it would be a different scene. But my IL's? Spending 4 weeks a year with my IL's sounds dreadful to me (not that there is anything wrong with them, I just like privacy).

I don't know what to tell you. You have a list of things you want from them. Maybe they can perceive that? I'd be less than enthralled if my DIL had a list of time/financial needs that she expected of me. I know it can be hard. We don't live near family but we have made good friends here and we work it out.

If I were you I would put your energy into building a support network near your home. Do your best to close your budget gaps (can someone get a second job? adjust expenses?). And then just move on.

This is something to consider. Different families can have very different expectations about what they should expect from each other. In my family, it's a BIG deal for anyone to ask a family member for financial help. If we needed to ask my parents for money, I would ask them, and dh would have as little to do with it as possible. An uncle by marriage expected my grandparents to offer financial support throughout their marriage and it ruined any possibility of his having a good relationship with them. What was normal in his family felt like a huge imposition to mine, and it wasn't about whether or not they had the money, because they did (and my grandparents did offer the couple quite a bit of support, they just didn't like doing it), it was about an expectation that each generation would be self-sufficient. My uncle grew up with an idea that there was "family money" that flowed from one generation to the next and so he felt like they were being cheap or mean, when that wasn't really fair.

Whether or not it was anything you've done, I agree with pp that you need to give up any expectation that they'll change, and find a way to let go of the anger.

FWIW, my ILs do not want the kind of relationship with my kids that I once hoped they would have. It is painful for me, but I've found that my kids take them as they are and aren't hurt by their failing to meet my expectations.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I just want them to be equitable between the grandkids.

not to be facetious or belittle your need creating so much angst over this need is - a bit childish. please know i say this with full support. i remember when i was at my lowest i so wanted a sugar daddy. doing it all alone had just hit me really hard.

i might as well have said 'i want the moon within my grasp'.

i know and understand the unfairness of it all - i have walked this with family myself.

they are not an option. in a sense they do not exist.

please i really dont want you to feel judged by me. i want you to have the freedom to vent. but i sense this is beyond venting. it is a deep, core issue with you.

maybe they may have a change of heart someday. but now. as others have said its better to build your support network elsewhere.

even finding MDC mamas in the find your tribe section might be a start.

i think you are v. wise to keep your debt to zilch. i would not like to bring it up with childcare costs. if anything happens its always there for you. but keeping it nil is a great idea.

you'd be surprised how much help there is around. i have found my help.

[Tjej]

It sounds like you need some reliable childminding help. Your ILs and DH are not going to do that for you, so you need to find some other way to get that. Local students? Local SAHM who could use a few $ here and there? Private (or public) center that takes drop-ins? The YMCA maybe?

As far as favoritism, it sucks. It's just plain wrong. You don't deserve it. You can't change them. You need to let go of your expectations of them - expect to see them once a year and let them suprise you with more. Don't hope for more and be disappointed.

Tjej

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

It's your own bad luck or poor planning, perhaps, that you didn't marry and have children with someone who had parents who would be more supportive or that you don't have your own family nearby to be supportive and helpful, or that both of you don't make more money so that you can afford to pay for all of this help.

My bolding. Poor planning? Really?

With all due respect, I waited until my 30s to have ONE child. I built a career. I maintain that career now. I built up $50k in savings before having a child (now used up). I have nearly that much in retirement now. I put myself through college 100% on my own. I own a home and saved the down payment myself, with DH. We've never gotten anything from his parents, and zilch from mine.

I've helped my parents and siblings considerably with groceries, rent, clothing, bills. Thousands of dollars before we had kids.

I used to give to charity before I had a baby.

I've never been out of the country or on any kind of a vacation. I have worked professionally for over 10 years and purchased most of my work clothes second hand.

No credit card debt ever. My credit score is over 800.

Um, I'm sorry, I'm like the most responsible person I know. Not bragging. Seriously. I am really like the most responsible person I know.

I have done the planning.

What I want from my inlaws is fairness in how they treat their grandchildren. Not financial contributions to our bills. I want them to buy and do approximately the same for each of their grandchildren.

There is no poor planning to make up for here. Have you heard of the bad economy? My house is worth less than I bought it for a few years ago. My marriage has suffered because I'm probably married to an engineer with Asperger's who can't understand why I would need help and doesn't have the social capabilities to make changes in his life or career. I didn't know what Asperger's was in college when I got married. I thought he was just a smart nerd. I never expected him to flip out the way he has.

If the housing market were like it were 5 or 10 years ago I would have been able to sell, divorce, and move on.

Respectfully, this isn't about poor planning.

This is about poor grandparenting.

[carmel23]

I'm sorry you can't depend on your family. My family knows all about tough times and being financially strapped. It stinks. It makes everything hard and stressful, even things that should be fun. But we've survived and you will, too.

Just a thought, do you think you could borrow money from the wealthy BIL? Or at least ask?

And I don't expect my parents or my in-laws to treat all the grand kids the same. It is really hard to do that.

Your husband's parents are retired adults. I think they should be able to do whatever they want to do with their time and money. I know that sounds harsh, but I wouldn't want someone visiting my family just because they visited my brother's/sister's family, yk? Id want them to visit because they want to visit.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by carmel23

Just a thought, do you think you could borrow money from the wealthy BIL? Or at least ask?

Well, for one, they're not wealthy, just successful I would put it, or rather more successful than DH, but also harder working, I believe, and two, I wouldn't ever dream of borrowing money. I'm not really looking for cash. I'm looking for fairness from the grandparents. I don't want to ask someone else to make it up to my son. BIL and SIL have a less direct relationship, right? They have no obligation to us. I mean, I could go out and work more, theoretically. I'd rather do that than borrow money. I could borrow from the bank, a line of credit, or credit cards. I'd rather do that than borrow from inlaws.

But when it comes to gifts given to the grandkids, I want fairness. I'm tired of them treating my kid as less. It's not so much about the things, as much as the sentiment. They always give less time and less money. And that just smells bad after a few years.