Respectfully, please close - Page 5

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by confustication

It sounds like you have chosen a job that has a lot of demands in terms of out of state travel and a great deal of intensity. Maybe looking for a different position would be a consideration.

You *shouldn't* handle all the sick days etc.. if you are both working, he needs to manage some of those. If he is not willing to, and your distress is at a lack of support from HIM- looking for his parents to fill in the gaps isn't likely to help.

You need to figure out how to manage it yourself, and it sounds like finding some paid childcare and housekeeping would help. Your pain and frustration are very clear, and you owe it to yourself to find some support instead of simply wishing it were there.

You hit the nail on the head. I've got paid childcare (daycare) but it's only during daycare hours. I often have to travel out of state, and I have a lot of meetings that run into non-daycare hours. With DH getting only two weeks of paid leave, and having no flexibility, it makes it very complicated to cover things.

Two weeks is nothing! I'm sorry. It's just not!

DH refuses to hire housekeeping. He would never allow that. It's been discussed. It's not really in the budget anyway, but even if it were, DH would never go for it. He's made that clear.

I did start buying more child care last spring when things got really out of control. And then DH started complaining about the price of daycare and made me prove to him that we really needed to spend that much and also made me give him the figures again about the cheaper places in town and how little it would save us by changing daycares.

Our daycare will be ending soon and I've put DH in charge of finding new daycare and thus far he's refused and said he can't handle that, but I'm starting to delegate more things to him and that's one of them. Sometimes it seems like I have to go to those lengths.

Yes, the out of state travel is really a big problem. It's hard. But I'm probably not going to find a job in my field that wouldn't require travel and meetings. It's sort of inherent in the field. Maybe it would be less. On the flip side, I get really good benefits and flexibility so there are trade offs. I just need more help to handle the intense parts of the job. DH is not much of a support system and never has been.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Viola

it comes off more like you are entitled to this help and should be able to expect it--not saying that you feel this way, it just reads that way.

I don't feel I am entitled to anything from my inlaws. I do feel they have an obligation to be fair to their minor grandchild.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Viola

I can understand feeling like you never do anything alone with your spouse or go to an appointment alone or what have you. I don't live near any family, and the one babysitter I had stopped babysitting for us a long time ago.

Thanks. It's not about getting alone time with DH though. I don't give two hoots about that at this point. That is so, so unimportant. I wouldn't expect my inlaws to accommodate that.

I am having real trouble with out of state travel for work and daycare. Daycare and meetings don't line up. I also have trouble taking time off from work for dr appointments for my child, sick days for my child, field trips, school events, and school breaks and in-services. I have done nearly all of these myself for over two years. It makes me look like a less than great employee, it makes me fall behind at work, and I'm just running here and there, back and forth. It's too much. That's what I need help with.

For what it's worth, I really didn't need as much help when I was a SAHM for two years, which was good because I didn't get that much help. But I wasn't nearly as tired or desperate as I am now.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Viola

especially since I know that if I did manage to find a job, I would be the one still doing all the childcare and child activities and meal preparation and laundry and everything else.

Thanks! This IS my life. I am doing all this. It sucks. And I need some help. I can't do my job and all the out of state travel and meetings and meet my employers needs AND be a good mom. Just can't.

Right now, I'm a pretty good mom and a not-so-great employee. And I'm a piss poor home manager. I can't give more. The laundry and the dishes and the cleaning goes first. Then I drop the ball at work. And I try to keep the parenting ball spinning, but that slows down and wavers time to time too.

[Tjej]

Since your relationship with your DH sounds like it is poor (from what you've said in this thread), that fact alone could be influencing their visits. It would be hard to see your child in a loveless marriage. It is hard to be around people who are not getting along/who are tense with one another. It isn't a nice relaxing vacation, it is stressful.

About your situation - it does suck and you do need help. I suggested some sources of childcare earlier in the thread. That is what you need. You also need to let go of any expectations of the grandparents.

No, you have no right to expect anything for your son from them. They can be jerkweeds to him if they want. It isn't fair or good, but it isn't your choice. It is theirs and they will live with their decisions.

Persisting with them and asking for more for years in hopes that they will come around is really not a good tactic. They may well come around when he is 7 or 12, but it isn't going to be from you hounding them. Reminding and cajoling and expecting will only build resentment, not relationship.

I agree with a PP who said you should cut yourself off from this information that is bothering you. Don't talk to them about it. Don't talk to BIL and SIL about it. Move the conversation on whenenver it comes up. Be kind and loving towards them in the time you have with them and let them live their lives. They may make choices you wouldn't make - they may even be BAD choices - but they are THEIR choices to make. You can only control how you let them into your life and how you react to them.

Tjej

[choli]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Grandparents are under no obligation to treat them fairly? Even when there are only 5 total and all around the same age?

No. Grandparents have absolutely no obligation to their grandchildren whatsoever. No obligation to your concept of "fairness". None.

That established, you need to move on. You are doing no favors to your child or your own mental health.

[zebra15]

I read the responses and let me just say they are your INLAWS. The situation needs to be your DH's to handle. If the inlaws do not want to visit then it needs to be DH to convince them to come. The entire situation sounds like the inlaws dont want to come and DS really doesn't want them here (or doesn't care).
Its not the grandparents job to be 'fair'. While it would be nice, its not reality. I have the only grandchild and my parents do nothing for him. Trust me my parents have $$ and they choose to send it to my sister who is a SVP in a bank.
If you think you need money and need to ask the inlaws that would be call for DH to make, not you. Even if I was married I cant imagine making that call.

I also agree that you need to expand your circle of daycare providers. There are plenty of moms willing to watch little ones for extra $.

It just sounds like DH needs to pick up his 1/2 of the duties at home, with the child and at work. If you have a meeting there shoudl be no reason he cant get to the sitters.
If DH doesnt want to hire a housekeeping service then he needs to contribute to cleaning the house.

Not that your DH would go for it but have you explored the option of therapy, either couples or individual?

Also just let the idea of the inlaws comings... let it go.... They are not coming, they are not sending $$, holidays, b'days are going to be unfair. And you know what... thats ok. That is your Inlaws decision, they get to choose where and when to spend $. You dont have to agree with it. But please stop trying to change it.

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I don't feel I am entitled to anything from my inlaws. I do feel they have an obligation to be fair to their minor grandchild.

Honestly, while it is a wonderful thought, they really owe your son nothing. While they will hopefully look abck one day and realize what they have missed, there is also a very good chance that they won't

My in laws have 4 grandaughters two of which are my kids. For the vast majority of my girl's lives they have lived a minimum of 5 hours away from us but have just recently purchased a house in our area and are gradually moving here. Over the past decade and a half they have been there for most of the major milestones of my niece's lives; concerts, recitals, athletic games, graduation, in fact very recently they drove over 6 hours at the last minute to see a play that my nieces were in - the week before they declined an invite to see my girls compete in their first gymnastics exibition when they were just a 30 minute drive away. Did it hurt my feelings, make me mad that they chose not to come and share a special day with my girls - absolutely. Was I even madder when I found out about the special trip for my nieces, heck yes. I can clearly see that they favor SIL's kids, and I am sure that my hubby can see that too, but honestly, I know that I cannot do anything to make them change. My daughters are starting to voice their disinterest in visiting them, and it breaks my heart to think about how this hurts my hubby, so I encourage the visits with a smile and a bunch of fun things in my bag to keep the visit fun. In time I'm sure that they will begin to see the inequality in their relationship in comparison to their cousins but I want the decision to be theirs completely, not one influenced by my hurt and disappointment. Until then I will encourage family visits but certainly will avoid leaving them alone unless I am more certain that they will treat my kids with the same love and kindness they show their other grandaughters.
You can't change people. make them feel things that they don't. If I were in your shoes I would encourage your son to enjoy their visits but I certainly would not continue to push for them to have a greater presence in his life against their own wishes. It's just not worth the cost of a sitter for less than a dozen days throughout the year.

[GoBecGo]

In light of what you've said about your situation in general, i am kind of thinking you should cut your IL's AND THEIR SON out of your immediate situation. Your IL's are not causing this problem, your DH's rigidity and selfishness are. It's not their job to pick up the slack their son is pouring out in your direction. I feel for you, i do, i left a similar situation once and it was frightening, lonely and hard HARD work. Looking back it was also the best possible thing i could have done. The situation i was in was not working, had not ever worked well and was never going to work. I left XP over 4 years ago and very little has changed for him, whereas EVERYTHING has changed for me. Can you look at your life and say honestly that a little more help would fix everything? Your relationship with DH seems to be at the root of so many of your problems and sadnesses, why do you stay? Ultimately this is your life, the only one who can fix this is you.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

In light of what you've said about your situation in general, i am kind of thinking you should cut your IL's AND THEIR SON out of your immediate situation. Your IL's are not causing this problem, your DH's rigidity and selfishness are. It's not their job to pick up the slack their son is pouring out in your direction. I feel for you, i do, i left a similar situation once and it was frightening, lonely and hard HARD work. Looking back it was also the best possible thing i could have done. The situation i was in was not working, had not ever worked well and was never going to work. I left XP over 4 years ago and very little has changed for him, whereas EVERYTHING has changed for me. Can you look at your life and say honestly that a little more help would fix everything? Your relationship with DH seems to be at the root of so many of your problems and sadnesses, why do you stay? Ultimately this is your life, the only one who can fix this is you.

This. Bolding mine. BTDT. So true. You can't change your ILs. You can't even change your DH. But you can change yourself. You have to do it though. It is NOT easy, not in the very short term. But in the long term, and even in the not so distance future, the rewards can be immense. Everything can change. You get rid of the junk, and then 98% of the changes are good, great or profound. It isn't just the obvious things that change either. In the long run, a lot of your core being can slowly change to be much more positive - self confidence, self worth.... BTDT.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Tjej

Since your relationship with your DH sounds like it is poor (from what you've said in this thread), that fact alone could be influencing their visits.

That's true.

But, for what it's worth, their unfairness predates the marriage woes by years and years.

[That Is Nice]

Thanks everyone.

[HappyMommy2]

It seems to me like your hubby should have no say in whether or not you get a housekeeper. You WOH. He isn't picking up his share. When both parents WOH, some things need to be outsourced. That is just how it is.

Why don't you push that further with him, put your foot down? Or just hire a house cleaner anyway, with or without his knowledge or consent? Hire them once every 2 weeks. It will be a huge weight off of your shoulders. Working mamas should be proud completing food/dishes/laundry ... forget about cleaning toilets!!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by HappyMommy2

Or just hire a house cleaner anyway, with or without his knowledge or consent? Hire them once every 2 weeks. It will be a huge weight off of your shoulders. Working mamas should be proud completing food/dishes/laundry ... forget about cleaning toilets!!

That is a topic for a whole other thread! Just kidding. I really struggle with doing things openly, not doing things behind DH's back, which trust me, would make things sooooo much easier. I mean, he doesn't notice anything!! It would be so easy to hid things if I wanted to. I mean, I haven't even canceled cable which makes sense to do, right?, and if I were on my own I would have already and I HATE paying for it...what a waste and an easy thing to cut.

But DH is AGAINST going without cable. He has forbidden me from canceling. Just as he's AGAINST hiring any sort of housekeeping ever. He was against hiring a doula. He's against me buying clothes for work. He's really stingy with money, always has been.

When money gets tight, and I start talking about canceling cable, he always says something like "do we need to spend so much on groceries? Cut back on that? or "Isn't there a cheaper daycare?"

Yeah. Sometimes I just can't believe what comes out of his mouth. He's so unreasonable to me. If I call him on it, he'll just twist what he said to make it sound like he didn't say what he just said and that he really meant something else and that I put him on the spot and he said it because he hadn't really thought it through. Rinse and repeat. The man has issues with communication. Obviously. I really think he might have high functioning Asperger's. Or linear thinking, insensitive ass engineer symptom. I'm not sure. But there is something about his brain that is different than mine in how we connect emotionally and interpret the world and people.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

OK really, mama? Your married to a man who would sacrafice your childs care while your at work (because your not allowed to stay home)and his HEALTH so he can watch football (in a nutshell). And it surprises you that his parents are the way they are? He had to have gotten it from somewhere.

Seriously mama. You are a smart woman who has gotten through her entire life with a major fight. Arent you tired of FIGHTING?!?!?! Don't you want a break from analyzing why these people are the way they are? I mean all you ever post is questions if anyone else is going through things your awful husband and his awful parents are putting you and your son through. But I never read a post from you ranting about how unfair it is that youve had to take care of your ENTIRE FAMILY your ENTIRE LIFE. Which to me means you have excepted the way they are. Can't you do the same with your husband and inlaws and MOVE ON? You are wasting all this energy on people who do not deserve it.

And FWIW, I spend alot of time over in Single parenting myself, and there are oodles of mamas over there doing this with NO VILLAGE. is it ideal, heck no! But its being done. Is it fair? No way. But wasting time coming up with reasons why things CANT be done is not going to get anything done. Its like constantly putting quarters in the merry go round. Its getting you NO WHERE.

Please understand I say all this with a big heart and and even bigger desire to see you get all the support, help and LOVE you so desperatly deserve. I am angry for you every day and wish your Husband could get his head out of his rear end and realize how ridiculous hes being about simple basic LIFE SITUATIONS. He should be helping with laundry, light cleaning around the house, childcare, light cooking. I bet you 800,000 dollars that if you and your husband worked even remotley as a team unit, you wouldnt give a hoot what your inlaws did. But your grasping at straws I think. It stinks and its not fair. But I honestly trully think you need to focus on moving on from it all.

You said you have about a year left. Try to focus all your energy on getting through this next year. Forget your inlaws and their lack of interest. Its not going to change. They are selfish toxic people anyway, and speaking from experience, your son will NOT notice their lack of committment to him. I promise. I didnt really have a relationship with any of my grandparents. I did, and do, however, have an AMAZING relationship with my parents. THAT is the relationship that matters. Everything else is either fluff or a nice bonus.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Unless I get some help, either the parenting or the career is going to suffer. I can't do it all on my own, at least not at this age and with these special needs. Just can't.

I'm really sorry, but I think you're just going to have to look for help elsewhere. Your ILs are not going to come through for you.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

DH refuses to hire housekeeping. He would never allow that. It's been discussed. It's not really in the budget anyway, but even if it were, DH would never go for it. He's made that clear.

I think you just tell him you are.

Honestly - I do think he has a right to the cable (as long as you guys can eat, etc.) because even if you don't agree with it, it's his thing. But by extension, you are allowed your things. Is it fair your "thing" right now is household help? No not really. But I would put it like this:

"I don't agree that you need cable, but you're an adult. I need help with the house. I'm hiring help on a trial basis. We can talk about it again in two months."

Honestly at this point it sounds like it's a mental health issue. It may not be worth the investment forever but I think it might be worth it right now. Or even one good deep clean. I don't have a cleaner now but I did hire one when I went back to work FT to help us make the transition and it did wonders for my focus. I don't know how expensive it is where you are but for us it was $200 for the initial deep clean and $80 a cleaning after that (I scheduled them once every three weeks, for about 5 months). My understanding is that is high for most areas of the US but I really have no idea.

And yes, likely there will be grumpy. I am about to do this with this TREE in my YARD my husband took down. He honestly believes he is going to get around to cutting it up, but it's been 6 weeks. It's about to be outsourced. And yes, that will mean giving up something else in the budget, but this is the way life goes sometimes - time is money and all that.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

I mean all you ever post is questions if anyone else is going through things your awful husband and his awful parents are putting you and your son through. But I never read a post from you ranting about how unfair it is that youve had to take care of your ENTIRE FAMILY your ENTIRE LIFE. Which to me means you have excepted the way they are. Can't you do the same with your husband and inlaws and MOVE ON? You are wasting all this energy on people who do not deserve it.

That was then this is now? That was circumstances out of most of our control? This is their choice?

My inlaws have the means. They have the means. They are a resource, if they make different choices.

I honestly spend a fraction talking about this: here, to them, to DH.

I mean, most of the time I'm at work or driving to pick up or drop off at daycare. Add in time to get ready for work, sleep, and eat and maybe a phone call or get together with a friend, and there is 99% of my time.

I mean this past weekend, I did some work from home on a project, cleaned, did laundry, took my kid to a cheap matinee at the budget theater, took my kid to a park, met a friend (twice), and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, sorted laundry and threw in loads.

I don't spend a lot of time worrying about my inlaws. Really, it's just post-travel for work and post-meetings for work when I get a lifted eyebrow for having to take vacation pre- and post-travel to prepare my household and recuperate.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

Can you look at your life and say honestly that a little more help would fix everything? Your relationship with DH seems to be at the root of so many of your problems and sadnesses, why do you stay? Ultimately this is your life, the only one who can fix this is you.

Yes.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I think you just tell him you are.

Honestly - I do think he has a right to the cable (as long as you guys can eat, etc.) because even if you don't agree with it, it's his thing. But by extension, you are allowed your things. Is it fair your "thing" right now is household help? No not really.

You're right. And DH would love you for this! But you're right. Cable is indeed his thing. Even a therapist of mine made the comment that tv and video games help DH process the world. It's how he connects.

It makes sense. I mean, he places so much importance on it.

Your other point made me laugh, albeit sardonically. It's true. My "thing" in the marriage is always something that is really for the household.

I mean, my thing isn't really getting a housecleaner. That should be joint, right? I mean, I wish "my" thing to DH's cable thing could be traveling or a massage for the stress or giving money to my dad or whatever - something for me like cable is for DH.

But my "things" in the marriage have always been household things. Things we all can use. It's because DH doesn't see the household needs as his needs. This pre-dates having a baby. I spend my money and time on things for us. He spends his money and time on things for him.

In every place we've ever lived, DH has had a separate room for his man cave. At the expense of a home office, a playroom, storage, a guest room, a library...

The extra space we have has always been DH's. If I wanted space, we'd need a bigger house or apartment.

DH has a lap top. I really could use a lap top for work, but DH has one and I don't. DH has a desk for work in his man cave. I am the one who works from home about half the time and yet I don't even have a desk. DH has an iPod. I'd love an iPod to listen to music...I just can't justify the expense.

DH will tell you that I spend money on clothes for work. That's something I do for myself in his book.

(DH's mom still buys him clothes, not all that often anymore, but nearly everything in DH's wardrobe is from his mother. He doesn't own that much. His clothes have all come from her birthday or Christmas presents to him.)

But he'll say things like well, I didn't spend any money on clothes and you did, so I can have my man cave things like an x-box and games and a flat screen.

My SIL says I should just join a health club, quit my job to be a SAHM, hire a housekeeper, and take my kid on a nice trip to Europe. She knows what it's like being married to DH. He's cheap and self-involved and doesn't even realize it. Her husband is sort of the same way, but makes more money, and they're more comfortable with debt, probably because he makes more money. He's not as bad as my DH with the yelling, etc, and he's been more successful and willing to be a provider, but he's a man cave sort of guy too.

MIL didn't make her boys do anything growing up, including clean their rooms. I think perhaps that had an impact. But I really don't know. It could be a fluke, too, and DH and his brother could be perfectly acceptable mates to other types of women.