5-yo hoarder--normal?

[amber913]

Ds wants to keep everything. Many nights he doesn't even want his leftovers thrown away when i'm clearing the table. When at the beach, he had to keep every shell he touched and couldn't seem to keep himself from collecting the next day when i'd warned him we'd collected enough and no more. He won't give away toys or clothes--i have to do this secretly, as i have friends who could use them. We talked about getting this awesome loft bed with a slide, but he got teary when we said it would replace the bed he has.

So there are some examples. Oh, one more: I made the decision to foster kittens. We picked up two that were too young for me to handle and had to be passed onto a more experienced foster the next day. 20 hours we had them, and he cried over those kittens like you wouldn't believe. I'd really like to be an animal foster, but by doing so i could either make letting go of animals a tool alleviating his hoarding tendencies or he could stop getting attached to anything--or anyone--for fear they'd always go away.

So my questions are: Is this behavior normal--ie. something he'll grow out of? Is there anything i can do to help him learn to let go?

[Devaskyla]

Ds1 tried to keep old toothbrushes and shoes around that age & ds2 seems to be going thru a similar thing. I always have to wrap up what he doesn't eat for supper, he had a meltdown about me donating some clothes that are way too small for him.

He also eats food like he's never going to be fed again, including things that don't belong to him & things he knows I bought for them all to share.

[Ruthla]

I think it's normal to a certain extent, but it can turn into a serious problem if it's left to continue indefinitely, with no limits.

I'd hold off on buying new furniture if he's going to have a fit over "losing" the old furniture- why spend that kind of money if it's not going to be enjoyed?

I'd suggest setting limits on some of his collections. "Here's the box for your shells. It's full now. You either have to stop collecting new shells, or give/throw away some of the old ones to make room for new ones." Then, if he refuses to throw out any shells, and wants to bring home new ones from the beach, remind him at the beach "You chose to keep the old shells, so the shells you collected today need to stay at the beach." He might throw a tantrum when you leave the beach, but that's the cost of enforcing limits.

Alternatively, let him take home the shells with the promise of him throwing out some old shells when you get home, but have a firm time limit before you throw some of the shells away (that night, the following morning before 10:00 AM, whatever time span works for you.) And, once again, you may have a tantrum when you actually discard anything- but you've given him plenty of warning and kids do need to know that they can't keep EVERYTHING.

Once you've done this a few times, they learn to sort through what they really like and select out what's worth keeping and what they're willing to give away.

If you don't mind wrapping up his leftovers, and he actually eats them later, then that's fine. But if the wrapped up leftovers end up being thrown away, it's fine to tell him that you won't do it. The rule in my house has always been that once you leave the table during the meal (except for the toilet), then you're done eating and somebody else can eat what you've left on your plate.

[ChetMC]

Hard to Say

Hoarding behaviour is very normal in young children. I'm not sure when it becomes something requiring a diagnosis, but I know lots, and lots of kids (some of our own included), who insist on saving scraps of yarn or string, bits of ripped paper, the packaging from toys, socks with holes, leaves, rocks, sticks, used straws, broken hair clips... the list goes on and on really.

I know for us it is a DISASTER to involve our kids in the culling process. It's better to set stuff aside and dispose of it when they things have been forgotten about.

How large a collection is allowed to get depends a lot on how much attention it receives. I have no problem with a large collection of interesting rocks or shells if the kids are into that. We cannot save every drinking straw though just because it once doubled as a magic wand, invisible ink spy pen, musical instrument, or telescope for a doll. And if I asked permission to dispose of the forgotten straw it will instantly be needed again.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by amber913

He won't give away toys or clothes--i have to do this secretly, as i have friends who could use them.

This can actually be causing the problem to a certain extent. It creates a fear and anxiety about stuff just disappearing.

Think about it this way, if you can count on you child to stay close to you in public places and not wonder off, you are relaxed and just let them be. However, if you have a kid who is gone if you turn you head, then you hold on tight to them. You make them hold you hand all the time, or you keep them firmly buckled up.

If your possessions seem to be mysteriously disappearing, then you feel a need to hold on to them tightly. If half of them might be gone tomorrow, you feel a need to have extras. When you go to the beach and see shells you might want the reassurance that you got enough yesterday isn't very reassuring if you think yesterdays may have mysteriously disappeared.

I would not even consider doing pet fostering under the circumstances.

[serenbat]

your desire to rid him of things could really back fire on you--I know it did with my DH and made it far worse in the long run for him--he is re-collecting his childhood and resents so much of what his mother did

what harm are the shells really doing to him?

I agree with what the other poster had said about his fear of loosing his things-I know how it played out for my DH and it's very sad still

[amber913]

(I'm the OP) In response to some concerns: I haven't gotten rid of much: baby toys--and while he didn't throw a fit, he tried to hang onto them--and old clothes, which went to one of his little friends. If he catches me setting aside clothes, he'll put them back in his dresser, but if he sees his friend wearing them, he's fine. So i know i did not cause his desire to hoard. He was like this before i ever got rid of anything. But a massive cleaning out could make things worse, and this is why i came here--to see what i should do. (And to see if it's normal.)

I definitely agree w/ PP that limits must be set, and as w/ everything it will be hard for him to get used to.

Thank you for your responses.

[SleeplessMommy]

One thing that has worked for some Moms - put things in a box, label it, and place it out of the way for a month or so.

"Lets put your outgrown clothing in this box in the closet, and we will see if you miss them. If you want them back in a month just let me know."

Probably there are new toys that he wants ... so you can talk about "sharing" the older toys with kids that don't have any, to make room for newer big kid toys. Don't get the replacements until there is "room" for them.

At a certain age (school age?) DS1 became VERY willing to part with formerly beloved toys. Thomas the Tank engine, for example - he was very happy to have sent away. To a 7 year old, Thomas is for "babies".