Time away from babes? How do you do it?

[Tarielena]

Hello everyone,

I am currently married and have a 2.5 year old son. We are currently semi-separated, and have a long road ahead of us to decide what we will do. I am trying to remain open-minded about things, but to be able to stay I need to know that it's what I want for myself, not because I "should." There is one major issue that is making it hard for me to be objective, though. I'm not afraid of being alone, not afraid of the extra work, financial trouble, etc. I just simply cannot comprehend the idea of being away from my babe for days at a time. My husband is not some deadbeat who will barely be involved. He is a very loving father who has also said he can't imagine being without his son. I can see how visitations away might be nice... a few hours here and there to do baby-free things. But going a whole day without him, not waking up with him, not putting him to bed, it just sounds so completely un-thinkable to me. It makes me feel helpless, like I really have no choice in the matter, I'm stuck and that's that. But that's no way for either my husband or myself to live.

I guess I'm just curious if there's anyone out there with a similar situation, where the division of time between parents is a bit more equal? Is it something you can actually get used to?

[Hollycrand]

Time without the kids is hard at first, but adjusatements are made, and it becomes normal.

[Jyotsna]

You are having normal feelings. Have you thought about making an arrangement so you can have him during the day, and your husband can pick him up after work , spend time with his child, feed him, bathe him, then bring him back for bedtime. This could work very well if both parents have the interest of the child first.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

You are having normal feelings. Have you thought about making an arrangement so you can have him during the day, and your husband can pick him up after work , spend time with his child, feed him, bathe him, then bring him back for bedtime. This could work very well if both parents have the interest of the child first.

That doesn't seem fair to me (for the child or the father.) Why shouldn't they have the joy of bedtime, breakfast, etc.

[meemee]

when we separated when dd was 18 months old - really our feelings in a way didnt matter. what mattered was how would our dd manage.

then dh when we were together was a face around but i was still doing the major parenting. so that's how we did the custody. ex would come and visit dd at our place. then when he felt comfortable he slowly started taking her out for a few hours. and finally at 3 with trial he started taking her overnights. dd had a hard time at first and he brought her back but slowly she settled in.

and so that's how things have worked for us. when dd was gone for a few hours i'd do all my errands and clean house. or sometimes just sit. the first nigth she was gone it was horrible. i didnt sleep at all. i missed her so bad. but then i saw that time as opportunity to take care of my needs and the house.

and yes you cannot imagine it now, but one day you will welcome the relief of not having your child with you. oh i remember the first times of .... being in the bathroom by myself, grocery shopping, eating by myself.

no matter how much we tell you, you will only know by experiencing it. and even though it was hard initially, i knew my dd was in good hands and i knew i had to allow time with her dad.

the division then and now is still not equal. but it is time that dd wants. and to us that's what matters. even at 18 months old. there were so many times when at that age ex was on his way to my house and dd fell asleep and he didnt get to see her that day.

however if both parents are willing and if you go by what you guys want, not what the court says - coparenting can look like exactly what you guys want it to look like.

for instance i also have to look out for dd. i have to sometimes 'force' her or talk her into going to her dad's place. its because suddenly in the middle of the night she would be up crying missing her daddy. so i make sure she visits him regularly enough. however its something he is realising himself and so plans events so dd would visit him.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by meemee

when we separated when dd was 18 months old - really our feelings in a way didnt matter. what mattered was how would our dd manage.

then dh when we were together was a face around but i was still doing the major parenting. so that's how we did the custody. ex would come and visit dd at our place. then when he felt comfortable he slowly started taking her out for a few hours. and finally at 3 with trial he started taking her overnights. dd had a hard time at first and he brought her back but slowly she settled in.

That's how we did it. Now I treasure my alone time. I miss the babes, and look forward to them coming home - but I carefully plan my time alone, and enjoy every minute.

[Tarielena]

Thanks for the responses everyone! I appreciate the input. But just to clarify, I'm not trying to say that I SHOULD get all the time with my son. My husband does plenty of child care, we have worked opposite schedules since he was born so we could each take care of him and avoid daycare, so there's no reason to only give him short visits and "work his way up". And of course if we did split we would keep our babe's wellbeing as the priority.

I guess what I was trying to say was... how can I even consider being the one to CHOOSE a lifestyle that causes my baby to be away from me. Reading other people's stories it always seems so obvious "oh you deserve to be treated better, you need to get out!" But applying that to myself is a lot harder. I know everyone else here loves their babies as much as I love mine, so I know it must have been just as hard.

[JunipersMom]

My experience is that it doesnt ever get easier - it gets different. I'm hoping at some point it will be 'ok', but so far.. it just sucks. But its necessary. Sorry, but its my reality.

[doubledutch]

my kids are 3yo & almost 5yo. i've been separated for just over a month. we cosleep (just me and kids, stbx has slept alone for a long time). both my boys weaned at age 3. we are very much "attached" (although i woh ft so i'm used to leaving them with stbx and/or preschool). when we separated, i had only ever spent two overnights away from ds2, and a handful more away from ds1. however . . . i love my breaks. it's only 24 hours at a time (at most) the way we do it right now, although it will probably become 48 hours soon. i know my boys are basically happy and reasonably well cared for, and i need i need the break. it allows me to recharge, do some deep cleaning or run errands alone, so that when i am with them, i can be more focused just on them. we can spend the whole evening at the beach/park without me stressing about things i need to get done around the house. i was very worried about it, so i'm not trying to say "don't worry" (and tbh it's hard for me to imagine 48 hours instead of only 24, very hard!). but i really do love it and my kids have been doing well. good luck!

[chatsalot]

I am going through the same thing. It is a terrible time in my life

[carriemama]

It is very hard at first, but it does become the new normal, and I echo what others are saying that you will actually come to welcome the break. Quite honestly, DD's dad and I are much better parents to her apart than together. He is a wonderful father, and while we don't have 50/50, it's pretty close. She is happy at both houses, I do absolutely miss her when she's not with me, and sometimes wake up in the morning confused about whether she's there or not, but it's really, really okay.

The one thing that helped make the adjustment (sort of) is while we were in the process of separating, but still living in the same house, we started splitting up the weekends, so he would have her on Saturday and I would go find something else to do, and I would have her on Sunday and he would leave. It was kind of like practicing being apart, but I think made the final transition a little easier.

[simplemama32]

Have you considered alternative ways of separating/divorcing? As far as living arrangements go, at least. If you think you and your H can get along well enough, maybe you could live in the same neighborhood or something similar. That way, you are both close enough for your DS to go back and forth fairly easily.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Plan activities with your friends while you're baby is away - that always helps. And I always do lots of housework while my ds is with his dad, it so much easier than when he's with me!!

[Phoenix~Mama]

I try to stay as busy as possible when DD is with her Dad. That helps. When I end up with nothing to do is when it's really bad. I've only been doing this three months now though. I'm sure it will get better in the future.

[meemee]

this is one of the things to experience. no matter what anyone tells you.

yes of course thinking of it was HARD. imaginging it was hard. actually doing it the first few times was HARD.

however its a different kind of hard. yes you miss your child but you are also grateful that ex has your child, and that your child is with daddy building a relationship there.

so its a kinda double whammy. you are happy and sad at the same time. its hard to explain.

and yes its doubly triply hard because you are also dealing with a broken marriage AND more important broken dreams of what life should have been AND guilt of how it will affect your child. so there is a LOT more involved - more than just i will miss my baby.

here's a little anecdote. a couple of months before dd was born my friend offered - anytime you want to take a shower or go to the bathroom, call me and i'll come and hold your baby. she lived a block away.

i thought she was crazy. i still remember that incident so clearly. what?!!! i cant take a shower or go to the bathroom alone? what is she talking about.

so as your child keeps going and you find your child enjoys that time with daddy - it gets easier. though you kinda miss them always - which sometimes i find perhaps unhealthy sometimes. like when dd is away and i go do something that i know dd will enjoy i really miss her when i do it. i wish she was there because i know how much she would enjoy it. i guess that's what's called life. it just happens. and you deal!!!

[DCMama01]

DD is 8.5 months and it isn't hard on me at all.

Some background. I was raised by my parents along with extended family, so I spent alot of time with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. Frequently, there were 2-3 households under the same roof. It was awesome for me and part of why my family is so close today. I have keys to 5 households on my keychain and can come and go as I please.

I always planned to raise my children in a similar fashion. I could die any moment, and I wouldn't want staying with her father or her aunt/grandma/uncles to be so foreign to her. Also, men have to be exposed to their children often to develop and strengthen that bond or it can be out of sight, out of mind. My plan is to work up to every other weekend at her dads with him picking her up from daycare/school at least 3 days a week. I want his home to feel like her home too.

I can also use the break myself sometimes!