Does 50/50 custody effect child support? - Page 2

[Jyotsna]

I know of a family where the Family Home worked out nicely. As the other poster said, the parents moved in and out of the home per their visitation, but the children stayed put. This worked for a few years, and now they still have a strong co-parenting relationship, but the parents have their own places now, and the kids move back and forth.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by ihugtrees

To everyone else:
I really don't understand why everyone on this forum is jumping down my throat for wanting my daughter to have an equal relationship with her father. I wasn't aware that this was a dad/men hating board.

Hundreds of thousands of women have struggled with PPD and depression and anxiety and emotional issues. That doesn't mean that I don't know what is best for my daughter. Being depressed doesn't mean I'm insane or not aware, as seems to be implied by more than one person in this thread, and I'm not sure why everyone here seems to think that it does. This is why people are not honest about their mental health, because there is such a stigma attached to it.

Not to mention, it's clear that the idea I frequently run across in the AP community is alive and kicking here: mom is not allowed a break. If you want a break, there must be something wrong with you, and you shouldn't be okay with your child being with anyone else, even her FATHER.

I came here for support and information, not to be treated like a lesser-than, a bad mother, a crazy person, etc etc. I'm honestly shocked at the reaction to this thread, and not sure I want to frequent this board after all.

Thank you to the people who gave me matter of fact information without the insults. I'm going to edit my original post to make it less controversial.

Ok, if you truly think that 50/50 is the best for your dd then thats great and you should go for it.

BUT - 50/50 is incredibly disruptive to a child. My ds is 19mo today, and I have been split from his dad since he was 11mo. 50/50 would NOT work for him AT ALL. It has nothing to do with his dad not loving him, or not being a great daddy to him - it has to do with the fact that our parenting styles are so completely opposite that ds would have zero continuity. Zero routine, zero consistency. His dad is great with him, they are incredibly attached, and very bonded - there are ways to facilitate this without 50/50 split in custody.

The ways we differ - bedtimes. I have a flexible one, ex has NONE. DS will go to bed at my house between 8pm-9pm 80-90% of the time. At ex's house ds goes to bed between 8pm and 11pm - no rhyme or reason to it. It's not b/c he's a bad dad, he just doesn't do bedtimes. He does really fun trips to the zoo, aquarium, and beach WAY better than I do!

He also gives ds juice daily when he has him, to the extent that when I get ds back he refuses water (I don't give him juice - he nurses, and he drinks water). We feed ds differently - I've been giving ds food off my plate since he was about 13mo, ex just started doing that.

(these are just a few examples of how our parenting styles differ - there are many more but I've already written a book so I'll leave it at just these)

There is SO MUCH that goes into parenting a child, and its not about the parents, its about the CHILD. How is the workload split now? Do you each do 50% of bedtimes? Do you each feed 50% of meals? Do you each do 50% of everything? If not, you should rethink how you want to split custody.

And, yeah, its hard to do all my grocery shopping, and bank trips, and all my errands with ds. But thats life. He needs to learn responsibility somehow (I know he doesn't get it now, but I know that his dad doesn't take him shopping or on errands very much at all - except fun ones like to buy ds new shoes. Another thing ex is WAY better at than I am! I hate shopping with ds), and he won't unless he see's someone doing all those things that need to happen.

Being a single parent full time is hard - but its totally worth it. And yes, I had PPD - it completely disappeared after I split from my ex. Completely. He was also an abusive UAV - but oh well.

When my ex and I did do something close to 50/50 but not quite (it was during a school vacay for both of us) it was TERRIBLE - ds was a basket case. He never settled down at my place, he was just a complete wreck. He was only 11-12 months at the time, but once we got into a routine where he lived with me most of the time, and saw his daddy alot his bond with his dad actually became noticeably better (it was good before that too), and he settled down ALOT. Parenting became much better.

All anyone on this board is saying is that "best interest of the child" is a really important standard - and if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd, and he takes you back to court saying that your dd isn't doing well with the schedule and its not in her best interest, you could very well become the non-custodial parent. ETA - with your ex being military, you could become the non-custodial parent to a child who lives very very far away from you if he ever gets orders to move far away.

There are ways to create and facilitate a strong bond between children and their non-custodial parents - my ds is an example of that. He recently spent a full week (sunday to sunday) with his dad, after never being away from me for more than 2 nights. He did GREAT. Didn't miss me at all I don't think. He's super attached to his daddy - he just doesn't live with him full time.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by ihugtrees

This means I need to rely on my DH for child support. What he has offered to do at this point is pay the minimum the state requires ($300-500 we are guessing from what we've read online) and then pay for my car payment & insurance, my student loans, and my cell phone bill "off the books". Since my income won't be too high, I can get food stamps and use the money I make working part time to pay rent/utilities, and for gas, and the groceries my food stamps don't cover.

As people have said, the time does effect the amount of CS. But you all can come up with your own arrangement if you choose to. My CS is not court ordered. We used a calculator initially to figure out the amount. It should probably be less now as he makes less money than he did when we calculated and I make more... but we keep it there. I know many people can't rely on CS, but I have been fortunate that I have been able to count on getting it every month. I am working on making it where I would be OK without it but it will take some time.

From the above, it sounds like he wants to be reasonable and have you be comfortable. Sometimes that changes when people are in the midst of things but sometimes it doesn't. Hopefully you two can work things out so that he will provide enough for you to do what you have planned.

You mention "off the books" above. DSS will ask you if anyone if paying any bills for you. That would effect the amount of food stamps I believe.

And yeah, you frequently get advice that you didn't necessarily ask for on message boards. It's really the nature of the beast. People discuss things. They are not trying to piss you off. They have been in similar situations and have experience that they are sharing. You open yourself up to it when you post--you don't get to control the flow of conversation. Unfortunate I know....

I don't see the anti-50/50 as being man hating. The back and forth can be hard on kids. Especially little ones. If your daughter was 4 or 5 more people would be behind that.

And accusing these women of being AP slaves when they regularly see their kids out the door is laughable. (Some of them perhaps are not so keen on it because of abusive situations.) Personally, I love my time off. I enjoy the quiet, I enjoy going out, I like the freedom. I have SO many more breaks than when I was married. It is much more intense though. There are tradeoffs to it all. I'm fortunate--I have an ex that pays CS, he's a good dad, and he spends time with the kids.

Many women end up being solo moms and not getting support--I bow down at their feet. That's intense.

Sometimes things change quite unpredictably. Some women may have started out like you--having someone who they believe will be there and pay CS. And then they don't... so sometimes you may find some cynicism here, but it is merited.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. I hope thing work out for you in the best possible way for all concerned.

[ihugtrees]

Originally Posted by thyra

Ok, if you truly think that 50/50 is the best for your dd then thats great and you should go for it.

BUT - 50/50 is incredibly disruptive to a child. My ds is 19mo today, and I have been split from his dad since he was 11mo. 50/50 would NOT work for him AT ALL. It has nothing to do with his dad not loving him, or not being a great daddy to him - it has to do with the fact that our parenting styles are so completely opposite that ds would have zero continuity. Zero routine, zero consistency. His dad is great with him, they are incredibly attached, and very bonded - there are ways to facilitate this without 50/50 split in custody.

The ways we differ - bedtimes. I have a flexible one, ex has NONE. DS will go to bed at my house between 8pm-9pm 80-90% of the time. At ex's house ds goes to bed between 8pm and 11pm - no rhyme or reason to it. It's not b/c he's a bad dad, he just doesn't do bedtimes. He does really fun trips to the zoo, aquarium, and beach WAY better than I do!

He also gives ds juice daily when he has him, to the extent that when I get ds back he refuses water (I don't give him juice - he nurses, and he drinks water). We feed ds differently - I've been giving ds food off my plate since he was about 13mo, ex just started doing that.

(these are just a few examples of how our parenting styles differ - there are many more but I've already written a book so I'll leave it at just these)

There is SO MUCH that goes into parenting a child, and its not about the parents, its about the CHILD. How is the workload split now? Do you each do 50% of bedtimes? Do you each feed 50% of meals? Do you each do 50% of everything? If not, you should rethink how you want to split custody.

And, yeah, its hard to do all my grocery shopping, and bank trips, and all my errands with ds. But thats life. He needs to learn responsibility somehow (I know he doesn't get it now, but I know that his dad doesn't take him shopping or on errands very much at all - except fun ones like to buy ds new shoes. Another thing ex is WAY better at than I am! I hate shopping with ds), and he won't unless he see's someone doing all those things that need to happen.

Being a single parent full time is hard - but its totally worth it. And yes, I had PPD - it completely disappeared after I split from my ex. Completely. He was also an abusive UAV - but oh well.

When my ex and I did do something close to 50/50 but not quite (it was during a school vacay for both of us) it was TERRIBLE - ds was a basket case. He never settled down at my place, he was just a complete wreck. He was only 11-12 months at the time, but once we got into a routine where he lived with me most of the time, and saw his daddy alot his bond with his dad actually became noticeably better (it was good before that too), and he settled down ALOT. Parenting became much better.

All anyone on this board is saying is that "best interest of the child" is a really important standard - and if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd, and he takes you back to court saying that your dd isn't doing well with the schedule and its not in her best interest, you could very well become the non-custodial parent. ETA - with your ex being military, you could become the non-custodial parent to a child who lives very very far away from you if he ever gets orders to move far away.

There are ways to create and facilitate a strong bond between children and their non-custodial parents - my ds is an example of that. He recently spent a full week (sunday to sunday) with his dad, after never being away from me for more than 2 nights. He did GREAT. Didn't miss me at all I don't think. He's super attached to his daddy - he just doesn't live with him full time.

50/50 is disruptive to YOUR child. It may not be to every child. Yes, my DH and I do split everything. It appears that most people have a UAV for an ex husband, but my husband is a HUGE help with the house, the baby, etc. He is not abusive, and my depression has nothing to do with him. We parent in the same way, with him being slightly more permissive, but still on board. My DH wants 50/50 too--I am not 'pushing' for anything.

My daughter sleeps through the night, is frequently put to bed by her dad, rarely nurses, and takes comfort from her dad as easily, if not easier, than me at times. All by her own will, mind you. We are very bonded and attached, but her dad and her are as well.

Here is another post implying that I'm putting my child's well being at risk for my own laziness. I'm erasing my post. I am just really sad. I've gotten no support here. Advice, telling me your story is another thing, but saying things like, "if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd" is just plain rude. Yes, that's definitely what I said. I'm all about getting a divorce and being away from my daughter three days a week because it'd be really nice to grocery shop by myself.

As for the suggestions on the family home, where the parents rotate in and out...I would love to do that, except we can't afford to maintain three separate residences. We are barely going to be able to afford two.

I'm stepping away from this thread and forum.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by ihugtrees

50/50 is disruptive to YOUR child. It may not be to every child. Yes, my DH and I do split everything. It appears that most people have a UAV for an ex husband, but my husband is a HUGE help with the house, the baby, etc. He is not abusive, and my depression has nothing to do with him. We parent in the same way, with him being slightly more permissive, but still on board. My DH wants 50/50 too--I am not 'pushing' for anything.

My daughter sleeps through the night, is frequently put to bed by her dad, rarely nurses, and takes comfort from her dad as easily, if not easier, than me at times. All by her own will, mind you. We are very bonded and attached, but her dad and her are as well.

Here is another post implying that I'm putting my child's well being at risk for my own laziness. I'm erasing my post. I am just really sad. I've gotten no support here. Advice, telling me your story is another thing, but saying things like, "if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd" is just plain rude. Yes, that's definitely what I said. I'm all about getting a divorce and being away from my daughter three days a week because it'd be really nice to grocery shop by myself.

As for the suggestions on the family home, where the parents rotate in and out...I would love to do that, except we can't afford to maintain three separate residences. We are barely going to be able to afford two.

I'm stepping away from this thread and forum.

I'm really sorry that I offended you - I did not intend to. And you did say that you want to be able to run errands by yourself without your dd - telling you what that can do if you end up in court I don't think is rude, its telling you whats what.

If you both really want 50/50 then go for it. It might be whats best for your dd. But then what happens when your stbx moves far far away and 50/50 isn't practical or even workable at all b/c your dd is school-age at that point? Its a good question, and one that both of you should think very hard about b/c it could very well happen.

I'm sorry I offended you, I hope that you are able to come up with a situation that works for your dd.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by thyra

I'm really sorry that I offended you - I did not intend to. And you did say that you want to be able to run errands by yourself without your dd - telling you what that can do if you end up in court I don't think is rude, its telling you whats what.

If you both really want 50/50 then go for it. It might be whats best for your dd. But then what happens when your stbx moves far far away and 50/50 isn't practical or even workable at all b/c your dd is school-age at that point? Its a good question, and one that both of you should think very hard about b/c it could very well happen.

I'm sorry I offended you, I hope that you are able to come up with a situation that works for your dd.

To the OP - I'm sorry you didn't hear what you wanted, but when you ask for advice/opinions, etc. - you may not always agree.

The women here on this forum have a whole host of arrangements regarding their children; some are amicable, some are hard fought and won, some are in sharing arrangements not well suited to their children.

While you may think 50/50 is best for your family (and it may well be), I would take heed of the warning re: custody in the future, and financially supporting yourself. It seems that all you see is the immediate future.

Those of us that have btdt are simply trying to impart some life experience. s

Best of luck in your decisions.

[MommatoAandA]

I think 50/50 can be great and should be tried and if it doesn't work, then something else can be figured out. 50/50 also does not mean 3.5 days in a row with each parent.

I personally know for my DD's that was not possible. They just were not ok with that. Their dad works a ton of hours and rarely has time with them.

OP your situation sounds different. I think if you are comfortable with the 50/50 and DD is ok with it too, than it should be wonderful.

It will affect your child support. You most likely will get some, just not as much.

Good luck and sorry about any negativity you felt here. I think with everyone's varying situations people can be biased and not even know it. Bottom line, you know your child and whats best. Being prepared for the worst is never a bad idea though. Just remember that.

[greenemami]

Originally Posted by ihugtrees

50/50 is disruptive to YOUR child. It may not be to every child. Yes, my DH and I do split everything. It appears that most people have a UAV for an ex husband, but my husband is a HUGE help with the house, the baby, etc. He is not abusive, and my depression has nothing to do with him. We parent in the same way, with him being slightly more permissive, but still on board. My DH wants 50/50 too--I am not 'pushing' for anything.

My daughter sleeps through the night, is frequently put to bed by her dad, rarely nurses, and takes comfort from her dad as easily, if not easier, than me at times. All by her own will, mind you. We are very bonded and attached, but her dad and her are as well.

Here is another post implying that I'm putting my child's well being at risk for my own laziness. I'm erasing my post. I am just really sad. I've gotten no support here. Advice, telling me your story is another thing, but saying things like, "if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd" is just plain rude. Yes, that's definitely what I said. I'm all about getting a divorce and being away from my daughter three days a week because it'd be really nice to grocery shop by myself.

As for the suggestions on the family home, where the parents rotate in and out...I would love to do that, except we can't afford to maintain three separate residences. We are barely going to be able to afford two.

I'm stepping away from this thread and forum.

just happened across this, but you might want to try over in the Blended Families forum-I know there are several families who have a 50/50 arrangement and might be able to offer a different perspective.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by ihugtrees

(snip)...I just find it difficult to cope with caring for a child, a household, myself, completely on my own in a place I moved to a few months ago, 3,000 miles from all of my friends, family and hometown. ANYONE in my position would feel a little down, and I'll do what I have to do if for some reason he is deployed. How would my DH have any more leverage than me, any way, in a 50/50 custody arrangement should he PCS?

I just re-read this, and wanted to offer some hugs. It IS really hard to be so far from family and friends, and home, while caring for a child. I moved 3 years ago from Seattle to NYC to go to law school, and now I'm stuck in NYC if I want to raise my baby boy. So, I'm in NYC and I really don't like it all that much, but I'm making friends and doing better all the time.

I really feel for you being so far away from family, that part is really really hard, but it does get easier (and thank god for phones so we can call often!!).