"My dad"

[StarChild]

My dp has been divorced for about 5 years. He has 2 kids with previous wife and they are now 7 and 9. When I first met him, his kids called him by his first name and not "dad". I asked about it and he said "oh they got that from their mom". A year ago he actually asked them to start calling him dad and they did.
His ex wife is remarried with a new son that is about 15 months. We often hear the kids saying "Oh my dad always says that" and dp will say no I don't and they reply "Oh, my other dad". The ex wife has them calling their stepfather "dad" and refers to him as their "dad", but calls dp by his first name to them.
DP is very hurt by this and it upsets me as well.
Are we overreacting?

The kids had a school function a while back and dp wanted to go, the ex wife got upset that he was going to attend too, because she said they were going to go as a "family"....as if he isn't part of their family?!?!

[blessedwithboys]

not cool

[rightkindofme]

That is completely unacceptable. I'm sorry.

[mtiger]

I, personally, don't think it's right. But...

One thing I do find interesting is that it's not acceptable in *this* situation, yet when it's one of stepMom being called "Mom", it seems that many find it to generally be okay for the child to make that decision. It just seems like a bit of a double standard.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by mtiger

I, personally, don't think it's right. But...

One thing I do find interesting is that it's not acceptable in *this* situation, yet when it's one of stepMom being called "Mom", it seems that many find it to generally be okay for the child to make that decision. It just seems like a bit of a double standard.

From where I am sitting, it isn't just the 'calling step-father dad and not bio-father' thing. Bio-father was told not to come to a school event because it is a family event. That's not ok.

[phathui5]

Maybe a couple sessions of family counseling, with bio-dad, mom and step-dad would be a good idea.

[ProtoLawyer]

I think it's OK if kids call their stepparent(s) (of either gender) by parental names, IF it's something that comes naturally over time and is initiated by the kids. I think, in those instances, assuming the relationships are otherwise strong, the adults need to swallow their hurt (and I do understand it can be hard to hear your kids call another person mom or dad).

HOWEVER: It is not OK for the adults to push it, especially to the point that it's interfering with the relationship with the natural parent, i.e. they're called by their first name, or excluded from events. In your situation, OP, it doesn't sound like your stepkids made the decision, and I second that counseling is a good idea.

[Ruthla]

I don't think it's ever appropriate for one parent to tell the kids what they should call another parent, unless they're supporting what that parent wants. It's kind of weird for stepdad to be "Dad" while bio dad is "Steve", but really, names aren't the most important thing (as long as the individual being called by a parental name or a first name feels respected by the choice.) I know families where stepdad is "Dad" while bio-dad is "Daddy", and another family where the bio parents are "Mom" and "Dad" and stepmom is "Eema" (Hebrew for Mommy).

Not wanting bio-dad at a school event because stepdad was going is NOT respectful, and the fact that your DP is hurt by how his ex-wife speaks to the children is a problem. He's feeling disrespected, and she's continuing to do this- THAT's the problem, not the simple fact of the name choices. I wonder if the "Dad" and "Daddy" solution would work here- let stepdad stay "Dad" but change biodad from his first name to "Daddy" (or "Pop" or "Abba" or some other agreeable paternal name.)

[StarChild]

Dp has tried to get them to go to family counseling as well as some counseling for the kids, but they are not open to it unfortunately.

When he approached the subject of her referring to their step father as their dad, she said "Oh I didn't want my youngest child to be confused, so I thought it would be better for everyone, as if she hadn't had the kids referring to DP by his first name all along?!

I just feel sad for him because he does everything in his power to be a part of their lives and she treats him terribly. The kids love him so much and I know he knows that, but it's hard to sit by and watch him being hurt.

I don't think he would even mind them calling the step father "dad" if she was respectful of his role in their lives. And the fact that she doesn't refer to step father as their step dad, but just their dad, when they clearly have one who wants to be in their lives, grrrr....it just angers me.

Thanks for listening.

[htcamommy]

This is something that drives me bananas! I have an aqauntance who has been married 3 times and has 5 kids by the three different men. Each of these men have been called daddy by the children from the previous marriage. How do you force your child to call someone a parental name knowing full well that if the marriage fails they will lose ties with their "daddy"? My step daughters lived with us for years. When we first got married if a random stranger referred to me as their "mom" they would well let them know I wasn't. Over the course of 10 years we have had a natural, normal, and gentle progression into the relationship that we now have. The girls still call me by my first name but refer to me as "momma" when talking to our younger children and family members. My kids have never been confused as to who their mommy was. Yes it was confusing as to why I wasnt my dsds mommy 2 but it hasn't been mind boggling!!
As far as saying you can't come to an event because they're going as a family; sounds like she's playing as if bio dad isn't in the picture or doesn't exist period. Sorry babe, my step daughters joke that they need a whole row at every function with all the parents, siblings, grandparents, and great parents showing up. WE ARE ALL FAMILY! Like it or bite it but either way I'm showing up. Sorry to bust your fairy tale.